Have u done anything to make yourself wonder if u could turn back time to undo them? I thought that as long as somebody is happy because of what i do, it does not matter if it hurts me or not. I havent known what sacrifice is all about, neither have i heard how it can harm somebody. If im treated the way i deserve because of a little sacrifice on my part, i'll be most satisfied despite the disadvantage. However, i have never thought it this way till when it hurts too much.
The pain came sharp and its impossible to ignore it any longer. If u do feel any pain, or u have just grown immune and indifferent to it, u have successfully hidden any clue. It seems that in first impression, there is no hint of any disagreement or dispute between us. If one were to see plainly, the surface is clean and flawless, there are no signs of struggle.
I guess that i am too sensitive and i put a large amount of emotion into what i do. Thus, i might tend to get too emotionally stressed when something does not turn out right. And to draw myself emotionally away from an object, i need to have a distraction to preoccupy myself with. In order for this to take place, i'll usually find something else to do. Although i might be busy at times, my mind will subconsciously draw me back to the root of my problem. This causes a serious amount of misery as i get too focused on mental struggles with the obstacles. I hate to leave a problem unsolved by a corner, it usually gets stacked up to a heap of garbage. This festering nonsense will infect me with toxic and wild thoughts. These train of thoughts will direct me to my well of tears. And when that happens, i'll just stop and stare.
So much for the trust. Sometimes, people can just open their mouth to spill out empty promises and lies. And these sweet smelling bubbles will bring u on ur toes and carry u by ur nose. Its too sweet to deny for any sweet toothes. But in the end, u dun get to the end of the bargain and realise that all these sweet talking ends up only in one manner; all lies and deciet. They swear to u that they believe and trust u, but do nothing to show that they mean what they say. Or even better, they swear and hope for u to trust them, but yet do nothing to gain ur trust. Faith? Blindly by faith, i see. Thats right, isnt that what they always say? They say that faith is the strongest virtue. However, whateva it turns out in the end, faith has its reason for u to blindly continue believing in false hope and empty promises to come.
They tell u that u're they're best friend and that u'll be on their priority list. And the next thing u know, they're finding somebody else to share their new found treasure chest. And as for u, u sit waiting under the coconut tree for a treasure map to float onshore. Isnt it sad? No, its not entirely sad if one were to be a nincompoop or born blonde. Why? Because if one were to be stupid enough to have that little faith, he'll continue believing that he'll get a part of that treasure if his friend were to find any. And thus, its worth the wait for the treasure. Moreover, if it were to be true that he'll find a treasure by himself, he'll find his so called best friend to share it with him, who will eventually share it with somebody else. Sad eyes, do pity the poor fellow sitting under the coconut tree. But do not shed a tear, for he has no faith in his best friend. No longer.
So much for the paranoia. Look who is feeling paranoid? I am inferior in ur eyes, and u look at me like a strange creature, no longer a friend. And u told me that u trust me and u believe in how i feel. However, u act so differently all the time. And i blindly believe u. U said that u'll speak up for me, and i have failed to hear any news about them. So much for ur trust and faith. So much as so little it may seem, but actually too much in ur eyes.
From yesterday onwards, i have realised that sometimes a spoilt toy should be thrown away and recycled somewhere else. What can that toy gain if it were to stay by my side? Why not just let it go? Sometimes its time to cut the chord, let things drop and let things go. Its selfish on my side to keep it by my side though things has grown sour and depressing. Therefore, the decision on my part is final.
I'll give chance a final try, and by tonight it shall all be decided. I wouldnt wanna make things sound so drama, but thats the way life should be at times. I cannot sit under the tree to wait any longer. Do u know where ur heart is? Do u think u can find it? If u still cant, leave it be. I have not much time in the world to wait for u to finish all ur work before u can decide to even bother about looking for me. Im leaving the coconut tree, im on my hunt for something else in life now. Wear all jewel u can find in that chest of urs, and don up in silver and gold. Doll up ur friend too, never forget to share them with ur new found friends. As for me, im discarded and used, no need to even consider. If u ever remembered me somehow by chance, do look me up and i'll feel slightly elated. It'll bring a smile on my face, but too late for happiness.
After clearing the mist before my eyes, i see the world in a brighter perspective. My sight was shrouded by shadows of doubt and whispers of prejudice. Many times i have caught a glimpse of what is beyond where i stand. However, this litte faith that i have abandoned has shackled me and rooted my feet on the ground. This ground, once arable, has now been irrigated with polluted waters. Its time to let it fallow, let it be useful once more for somebody else who might travel this way. I hope dearly that somebody will not fall into the snare of its holder.
The land belongs to a creature of magic. A creature of unimaginable beauty with promises and lies. One who tells stories of half-truths and twisted tales. This hidden truth has to come to awareness through suffering and excrutiating pain. This sharpness will open ur eyes and awake u from ur deep slumber. And from these lessons, the creature of magic will learn nothing more than what it should. But for the nomadic victim, he'll learn to move on.
Well, all i have wanted to say stops here tonight. And what i have wanted to say more desperately has been sent privately to u last night. They are wild and painful; revelation of unwanted and shocking truths. I hope that u can deal with it in time and look beyond that to see the reasons which draw me to do the unthinkable. I have confessed enough of my sins, its time to forgive me. I'll always remember these few months of joy and laughter. Also, what is embedded permantly, the aches and tears. This is on of the most enjoyable and hurtful moments of life, even though it differs so much from my previous other few. I'll definitely remember u as a person who has failed in many ways as to my expectation. A number has passed and lived longer than u have, but they have other purposes in my life. As for u, its too much to even expect u to fit to my heavy demands. U are a failure.
However, one the best few amongst the category.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
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