Need Sleep

Well , i havent slept since i started on my portfolios on saturday afternoon . Ive been doing my work for more than 12 hours non-stop . And i had 12 hours of rehearsal and performance outside . I think i wouldnt be sleeping today again ... a total of 2 days already . My record was 3 days ...

Anyway , the performance just now was great and indeed very fun . I love to play "LongTengHuYue" because it somehow is like building tension throughout . I love to slam and strum my Pipa like there is no limit . I remembered playing this piece in ACS before , 2 years ago , with Alastair and Samuel , only 3 of us . The mood was intensifying and i was indeed thrilled . I wanted to ask Fhairil to come watch since he lived so near , and moreover there is this percussion piece , however , i think he is very busy doing his work , so i didnt bother him . My fingers are swollen now ... i dunno why . Anyway , im feeling so tired now . Shagged ... the performance really drained all my energy , i dun think i can survive through tonight without sleeping .

Without any worries , im sailing smoothly with my work . Im only left with one journal which requires the StanlySadie book , which i left in school . And parts of the portfolio 2 ... because i cannot find any work about my chosen composer . DrKan gave me this weird composer by the name of Herbenstreit Pantaleon . His achievements on the creation of the instrument Pantaleon is far more greater than his composed works . Im so fed about , she didnt even wanna change my composer for me , and she insisted that i should work on this composer , maybe its because of the instrument . Its plucked-string afterall ... She gave me many citations on where i can find information about Herbenstreit , but i havent gone there to check , in fact i think i lost her mail .

Im so dead ... ? Or im still fine and safe ... ?

I think i talk more about the performance just now . Its the official opening of the CC , therefore the Prime Minister is here . I performed for him twice before , once in Nanyang Poly and the other is like today . We were really enjoying ourselves while we waited for him to listen to us , privately . The press and reporters were around , flashing their cameras wheneva the PM talks or mention something to someone or with someone . I played with Nicholas' Pipa because i think that the Pipas over at CSCO really cannot make it anymore ... though how strongly Mike emphasised that it all came from China , handpicked , and very good and expensive , of course . However , i think he is blinding himself with his own talking ...

Im so excited about travelling overseas to perform now .

Everyone For Themselves

Everyone is for themselves , and who does things for others in consideration first ? Nobody does ... i feel so disappointed . For me , i always think for others first ... well , most of the time , in terms of help , not work . I asked so many people for help , and they did help , but its about how they help . Well , they helped as little as they could , thats all i can say . Of course im not entitled to be helped with wheneva i call for one , but i just dun understand how some people treat others . For me , i think im too nice sometimes . I dun think twice about treating somebody to food , i dun think twice when it comes to lending money and i dun ever think twice when my friends are in trouble . Well , if someone has to think twice , it'll be my father , for all the wrongs that he had done . Maybe Mom is right , i cant be that nice to everyone ... Mom is a learned person , she know how things go , she'd gone through them herself , and i must believe in the things she said . Well , im starting to believe them ... slowly ... soon i'll be brainwashed by myself . Maybe its because that ive no siblings , and ive a broken family ... thus ive only friends to depend on . Friends are like family to me , they are the only one i can lean on ... but yet , they dun think the way i think . Its not their fault , its natural . Nothing comes my way ...

My work is still left uncompleted . And i still have the time to blog ... i dunno why . I think i need a break . Hopefully its like a broken watch , and time will just stop here . I took breaks and naps in between , and now im still stuck with work . Im so stressed ... i dunno what to do , and i dunno where to start . I skipped practice today with CSCO , because i had too much to do . Lesson with YanYu is cancelled because she didnt feel well . Ive plenty of time by right , but it just seemed that the sun set really early today , and the moon is eager to rise . My grey sky morning has come , and im here to stay till my bore is over .

Things arent that bad ... im just abit disappointed . I sowed how much i wish to reap , but only this proportion is harvested . Im a sad farmer ... and mother nature played a game on me all along . Im such a fool not to realise that ...

Indeed , the fittest shall survive . And yet , im the fattest .

Not Fit For A Muscian

Indeed a serenade to my death . The concert is finally over , and the tickets were selling badly . So i could sit and watch the concert for free after singing . Well , i must say that i think "Serenade To Music" is the best programme , but too bad that the soloists were alittle not prepared . Anyway , i think the pianist for Beethoven's Piano Concerto is really pervertic . Young talents indeed ... i wonder if they are really young talents or , their skills and talents are forced out of them . They can only play one piece of music well ? Im not sure ... still discovering ...

After the concert , i went for dinner with Mark and the others , with James too . We ate at JalanKayu , the RotiPrata . I think its not bad , but i ate some stupid fried sotong , which cost me $10 . Then plus some tasteless iced milo which cost $3 , because i drank 2 cups . Anyway , didnt feel like going home after eating , so we went to waste time somewhere . For Mark , he has to go home to sleep , because he has his grade 5 Theory exam tomorrow at SCH . Why such a dreadful place like SCH ... ? I dunno ... We chatted alot under Jame's block , somewhere at the multi-purpose area . Talked alot , and i dun think its convenient to list them here ... so , just keep it in ur hearts .

Now i think i know what is the difference and similarities with Chinese and Western instrumentalists . Actually there isnt much . We cannot compare who is stronger in Harmony or Theory ... because i think we are equivalent in some way . We are not much weaker than Western instrumentalists ... I think music is music , there is no reason why some music should be discriminated . And this goes out to the Pianist im talking about , and some other musicians in NAFA . Well , i appreciate those who understands abit of Chinese music , and those who respects music more than its shallow understanding of instruments . Like racists , there wouldnt be any difference that separates them from the formal . I wouldnt wanna say who , because this person doesnt really directly insulted me before . Anway , i think i mentioned this person in my blog before ... maybe those who'd read before will know . I hate this person's attitude . Ur just not fit for being a musician , who discriminates other forms and types of music . I think ur just called a Pianist , and not a Musician .

Jovan doesnt seem the guy he is . Another hopeless romantic ... Why are all guys like that ? Maybe not all ... but i think i share the same heart as Jovan . Pathetic movement of our crisis ... but im over with , he is still slowly swimming in his life of misery . Anyway , Jovan , dun smoke , its bad for u . Same goes for my Mom !

Im shocked and surprised . So many people came to my blog ... really shocking . Anyway , im glad those who came to see are those who are sincere about reading instead of some people , i shant say who , who comes here just to pick out for mistakes ... and worst , the one who comes here to find faults with me . Well , i wont welcome such a miser . Get lost ... How thicked-skinned to stay even when i chased u off ... ur such an embarrassment to ur friends . And i think ur just a pathetic creature thats why i called u along the previous time at Takashimaya . Poor dog , let me pat u to sleep ...

Serenade To My Death Angels

Its time to really do work . No time , no time left for me to slack and play . Its serious mode now ... hopefully . Today , i managed to complete 2 portfolios ... im so happy already . But i know its not enough , others can complete everything in one day , why cant i . I retyped my journals because its not really organised .

Im watching the Channel 8 9pm show ... i think their acting really suck . Anyway , its so fake ... i think the story line is always the same old thing . Other than the old-fashioned family bonding TV series , there is really nothing special about the themes . Last time they tried doing things like fiction , but obviously its a failure due to the poor graphics , therefore they only can do reality TV shows and stupid NKF supported TV series . There is a huge contrast between the older professional actors and the lousy young noobs . Its such a poor welter of talents ... I wonder when can Singapore start doing something like 'Smallville' or 'Charmed' ... Anyway , i havent seen them for a very long time already ... really long . Now i understand why some musicians dun watch TV ... because they really have no time .

Choir practice was cancelled , or else i'll be still in school practicing till 10pm . The concert is tomorrow and the number of times we rehearsed together was only once . We are really that professional ... ? Nonsensical ... I think the only reason why the number of practice is so little for choir is because the orchestra is weak .

Harmony presentation today was quite badly done . Time is restricted to about only 15 minutes , so it was really tough . I played the Piano , because i dun have much to talk about in the script . Weird ... ? Well , other teams were really amusing ... especially Fhairil's .

After that , i decided to go home to study , so Fhairil and i took a random bus home . Without the intention of going home , we took a bus around and we ended up going to a music shop , and i bought a tuner cum metronome , which cost me about $50 .

Serenade to music ... ? Im serenaded by death itself . I hear its tune and music around my ears ... and i cant stop it . Its piercing through my drums and its weakening my knees ... left me buckled on the floor , lying at its feet . Am i dead ? Am i dead ? But i hear the sounds of cathedrals falling , and the sound of flapping wings . Wings of angels ? Wings of bats ? I dunno ... im surrounded by the great i am , and im surrounded by his company of demons . The great indeed ... the great ... Im dead .

Its Summertime

Today was indeed a stressing day . Though the presentation was supposed to be very excited and funny , we lost all our mood due to the time we waited . Many people gave their presentation today , and our team was the last . In the end , we waited from 4 to 7.30pm , for our turn to present . By then , we were already half dead . I had to cut short , so i skipped many things to say ... anyway , my notes werent that organised afterall . I was busy cutting things short that i lost all the main points . So in the end , my presentation was very messy . I still prefered the presentation during our History Tutorial . 'Canon' ... my topic .

Yes , another thing . Samuel is so creative that he added some very stupid pictures . It shows 2 girls wearing bikini , posing for a picture . Its suppose to introduce to the Summer Schools ... then it says "Its SummerTime !!!" ... that really swept me off the floor , laughing like hell . Another one is the crossing out of the plump flutist from a slimer one ... Supposingly talking about meeting hot babes there , so the plump one is out of the picture ... Lame . Really lame ...

We managed to finish the poster . Quite amazing that after doing so little yesterday , we can actually complete it . To think of it , its quite easy ... And thanks to Mark again for putting in the effort . I dun have the PowerPoint software at home ... so im in a lost . Anyway , the poster was very well-doned . Im proud of it ... and i think Mark is too .

After presenting , we went for dinner . Our presentation was 35 minutes ... scary . Anyway , we ate some Malay food at Peace Centre . After which , we went back to school to touch up on our Harmony presentation tomorrow . I think Harmony presentation is the worst prepared . We are planning to make it really lame . We are gonna act things out ... hope that JamesYap wont mind . He complained about the presentations made were lame and pointless . True ... but i thought he himself is so lame that i think those presentations looked fine . Tomorrow , we arent going to play the Recorder anymore . I'll play the Pipa , Noozli on the flute , Christoven on the Viola and LiSuan on the Violin . So interesting isnt it ? Im going to do the resolutions on the Pipa , so we are gonna play things in A Major .

This week is such a rush . Presentations and performances on Friday and Sunday , not forgetting the rehearsals . I feel so busy that i cant even practice my Pipa and i have no time to do my PortFolios and Journals . I think i better rush my Journal readings first , because its due on Monday . Harmony PortFolio also ! Im so dead ... dead dead ...

Locked Up And Jailed

Today shall be part of memory for the year . Its the most interesting , and yet frustrating day ever . I didnt manage to complete my assigned work , and Mark has to do everything . I feel so bad , i learnt my lesson ... Thanks to Mark and the rest . I feel that im really useless ... So glad that , there's Mark around to safe the day . Fhairil was supposed to go home with me , so he waited for me to finish my work with Mark . We didnt do much , only planned about the design and stuff for the poster , and we wasted so much time laughing , thanks to me . All my fault ... Anyway , we left with SiHan at around 11 plus ... so , the school was locked . I remembered that we have to go down , by the stairs at level 4 . But we talked and talked till we forgot . We went to level 1 , the problem is , the lift doesnt work anymore , only once by going down . We cannot travel up ... We were stuck at level 1 , because there are no stairs , and the door was locked . We were so nervous ... Fhairil started making calls , and SiHan was finding ways to get out . I was busy making people frustrated . Im such a bad friend , i never get serious . Only when im forced to , or with the company of one person only . After that , we spent quite alot of time , finally , we found the keys . We managed to open the door , but we dun wanna leave it open like that , we might get into trouble . So , we waited till the security came to our rescue . Before that , Mark and Fhairil was making their rounds , looking for the security . SiHan and i were sitting inside enjoying the air-con and reading some newspapers ... till the security took the lift down and we were so happy . I felt so bad for causing so much trouble ... so i treat them iced milo ... and my Mom fetched them all home . We then talked with my Mom on the way home ... so funny ...

Anyway , Harmony presentation is approaching . We spent quite a long time preparing it ... Noozli did all the job on decorating the presentation , i didnt do anything . Christoven took down the notes and Mark did all the neccessary stuffs . I felt so useless again ... i wonder who will want me in their team again ... ? I dunno , i wont blame them for not wanting me . Anyway , then we sang a whole chunk of Christmas songs with our 3 and 4 part harmony . Samuel and Fhairil singing the higher tenor notes , and me bass . Then i was late for Music Technology . I think im gonna fail that subject , but anyway i didnt like Mr.Watson's attitude . He's quite sarcastic at times and really nice at times . I dunno ... but i dun like such dramatic differences ... I dun really like him . After lesson , we sang songs at the student's lounge then we played games and stuff . Im really feeling sick now . After eating at BurgerKing , i feel so full . I must admit that , ive grown alot fatter after since i joined NAFA . There was a period when i started to lose weight . After progressing into a happier surrounding and environment , i began eating more ... therefore resulting me growing horizontally . I feel fat , i am fat ... i need to slim down . Let the campaign begin !

It doesnt scare me being jailed in an enclosed room . Im used to it ... being locked up with my fears and being jailed for life . Im a prisoner of my own life . Ive committed sins and done much wrong , so i deserved such harsh treatment from above . Its fate , i let it take its course and punish me like how i should be punished . Fate ... im fated . Fatal fate ...

May It Be

Well , i got woken up by the bus driver just now . I was still sleeping when it was at the interchange already . I dunno why , it always happen . I tell myself to just close my eye for a while , the next thing i know , im already at the interchange . So i called Mom to come fetch me , i was too lazy . Anyway , its not my first time . I had even worse encounters before ...

Today's Aural class was cancelled , because Yohanna went back to Indonesia . I was so happy , because i didnt do my homework . Then after Choir and stuff ... i went to practice Pipa . Then , we rushed our Harmony presentation . Then there is the poster to be done this Wednesday for StudySkills presentation . Im like so dead and tired ... well , now i regret not doing my work consistently . Well , too bad WeiKang ...

I changed the song yesterday , its called "May It Be" , by Enya . I love her songs , its very intense in some way . It has this spirit lifting effect . Listening to it at the right time may enable u to feel this emotion pouring over . Its very touching ... I remembered that i listened to it everytime i went over to Esplanade Library during my Sec 4s . I went there almost everynight till it closes ... i spent my time there studying and mostly , listening to CDs and discovering new music ...

Ive so much work to do , and im still slacking . I think no matter how , practical is the most important . Its the only thing u need to prove that u can play ... I dunno already , im giving up hopes . Im indeed chasing rainbows , till the ends of each rainbow , i wish i find a pot of gold .

I just ate so much for dinner ... and now there is this raw vegetable taste in my mouth and i cant rinse it off ... its disgusting !

I wish so much , and for so many things . However , none came through except for those that i wished away . When night falls , and the stars are shining brightly above my head , its time for me to exhault . Its time for me to think and time for me and myself . Its my private moment with myself and i . Nobody interferes ... so , i wish ... may it be .

Something funny just happened . Recently , ive been putting my clothes on the floor , beside my bed , instead of the drawers . So , including my socks and underwears . My Mom came in to savage for clothings to wash ... So she picked up the underwear to smell whether it has been worn already or not . So disgusting and funny ...

Chasing Rainbows

Welcome to my life , ive just changed the title of this blog . Since life isnt that sad anymore , and maybe im recovering well , there is no point putting that sad little title there to remind me of all i had before . All of what ? All for u to discover ...

Well , now im so enthusiastic about changing the song in my blog every 2 days , or maybe everyday , if there is anyone browsing through my blog . I wanna make them stop and listen to the beautiful music i have here ... Other than the insightful thoughts , i think i should make this place more interesting . I dun want it to be like a junkplace where i just dump all my thoughts here for them to decompose . Let it grow ! Let it grow !

I just had the shortest lesson with YanYu . I didnt manage to memorise my scores , and i think this made her super disappointed , as much as i am with myself . So i really dunno how she thinks about me now ... im really sad now . Sob sob ...

Anyway , to cheer things up ... let me think ... well , there is nothing happy about today , other than silly jokes at the hawker today for lunch with Raymond , Stanley and ChaiXia . Nothing much ... today , im quite happy that many people turned up . I did made an effort to send them a message about today's practice . Well , there is nothing i can say about the others ... i dun think ive the rights to handle the seniors , its called respect , at least .

Jonathan asked whether i prank called him . Well , to make myself clear , i dun see why there should be a doubt about whether im the prank caller . Why would u think that im the caller anyway , there is no reason why i would prank call u . Think twice ... Im done and over with .

Anyway , if u missed it , the previous song on my blog was "Under The Sea" , from the famous cartoon called "Little Mermaid" . I remembered when i was young , ive a liking for strange things . The mermaids were one of which i thought is very unique . No doubt my favourite character is Sebestian , the crab , from the cartoon . And this song here was sung by him , but this version is a way more different . It is sung by an unknown amatuer singer , maybe not even a singer , most probably . She recorded this singing of herself , and it sounded really funny . Made me laugh till i roll on the floor ...

Ive collected many music codes for blogs , so i can just change it anytime i want quickly , without the need to sign in unto the websites to find them .

I turned on to the radio . Only to find nothing audible to my ears . I switched hastily wheneva nothing catches my attention . But in the end i always land unto the same channel over and over again . I dunno why , radio nowadays just dun hold on to that special element which they did for many years . I just dun understand how i can get lost in the frequency . I cant even find a proper song to listen to . However , there is a whole chunk of difference in the morning . I always tune in to 98.0 Fm , to listen to JoeAugustine . He is a really funny guy , quite insensitive at times , but i think he really sets my mood of the day . I like the crazy morning programmes at almost every channel . I brings out the boredom in my spirit and lifts me up high ... I love it .

People change as quickly as the positions of the stars . Some stays , some go and some are born . Now , i dunno who is with who as they keep changing 'partners' . i dun understand who is whose friend , and who is not . Me , myself , is also kept in the dark . Who knows ... maybe im the out-casted one . Well , i can expect that . Im used to that ... Im not a optimistic person . In fact , i hate everybody i dunno . This keeps me safe from my naive nature . Its a line drawn by myself ... But after knowing someone , i will somehow slowly like them , maybe even forgetting about my own principle rules that i result in trust them so much . Well , i dunno much about all this politics , and i hate to interfere . I run and i hide , but it will always find me . Its impossible to run away from politics . Its impossible , face it again , its reality .

I was thinking in the bus that i wanna mention someone in my blog . Its Kenny ... We all know Kenny and who know the trouble he creates , and the jokes that entertains . We know very little about him and what he does . Maybe bits and fragments , which needs to be glued together after analysis . I think Kenny made my life abit more interesting than before knowing him . Without him , my life would be like a rainbow . Rainbow ... ? Yes , the beautiful illusory arc that hangs in the sky after the rain . My life , so colourful and beautiful . However , with Kenny around , he added the colour Black and White into my rainbow . This colours are indeed the most important colours in life . The most dramatic ends of both ... which is missing from the rainbow , is brought to me . Kenny ... i made this sound like a compliment and yet an insult , its up to u how u take it . I mean no harm ... joking .

Fantasia

I thought of many things to write about , even a proper title . Now i forget everything ...

I just came home from SCO's concert , featuring GuGuanRen and his works . Out of all the concerts ive attended , not many because it sucks , i think this is one of the best . Something traditional finally . Whats the point of a Chinese Orchestra if its gonna play all the western pieces and forsake our own traditional mother pieces ? I dun understand how the Orchestra is progressing ... isit progressing into a Philharmonic Orchestra , or towards a modern and developed Chinese Orchestra . I think its going for the formal ... Its hopeless now , the SCO sets a standard and a model for the Chinese Orchestral scenes in Singapore , and if it follows a different trend , i think Chinese music in Singapore will start to follow blindly , by the leading piper .

Before that i met ChaiXia for dinner , but i took the wrong buses and i ended up in Suntec , so i took a cab down . I feel so useless ... wasting money .

I dunno how some people think , its either they live in a total fantasy about their own world , or they just love to mislead people . Malformation of concepts ... I think this kinda people is either weird , stupid or really bored . For him , i think its called immaturity . Now hes creating his own problems , he creates them but doesnt solve them . Im speechless . For a friend , i dun wanna talk about it .

I managed to complete nothing . Im such a disappointment ... i think im just gonna rot and die . Till me flesh smells of decomposition , and till maggots feed on my rotting flesh ... I shall perish at that corner without anyone's attention . I just blend into the wall and just rest in peace with flies and rats to accompany my death ...

I forgot to mention in yesterday's blog entry that i have a lump on my forehead now . Because we were playing "Hide and Seek" at the student's lounge . I dunno at first ... only after the composition exam , i went there to look for them , they called me down . So when i went there i saw Samuel and Mark hiding . I felt so lame , and i didnt know what untill they told me . SiHan is the catcher so i quickly tagged along and hid behind the bar . When SiHan approached , after Samuel and gang were caught , i wanted to scare him , so i lifted my head very quickly to scare him , but i got shocked by his sudden approach , then i accidentally knocked my forehead against the top of the bar . He was shocked and he screamed , for me , i couldnt because i was in pain !

Love Hits

Well , the devils in the heart really taken over me and i followed in its path deep into hell . I flopped Laurance's piece today ... Dedric's was fine . I feel so disappointed with myself ... I should play well at least to show an example maybe how 'well' i can play , so that others may look for me again . Guess today i just condemned my own playing ...

Performing class was fine too . MrYeo is starting to treat me very nicely ... i think i like him now . He burned me the disc that he got from China . I saw it a long time ago , i think a few weeks ago and he even remembered hearing that i want it , he even helped me asked about for the brochure of HaoWai . But im not comfortable in the heart with a burned disc ... i want the original ! Its a Pipa album by JiangTing .

I just bought another CD after dinner with YongRui and Audrey . Im not pointing fingers , but i think the kinda spirit that i had in ACS is missing in NAFA . Which isit ... ? Its the copy homework spirit ! The one reason why ACS is quite united is because of the ability that they share . They wont mind if someone copies their work , even if they get better results , the important thing is that at least he shared his work with his friends and they are safe . Guess this is what i call brotherhood ... ?

My presentation today was very good , i think . I loved the class , the audience . Firstly , they were small , they are open to humour and DrKan though in a bad mood , still laughed at my silly jokes . Before that , i saw a webby about DrKan . She is really that impressive . U guys must go take a look . Go check her out at Googles ...

I need to rush for my works ... my portfolio . But temptation at home is alluring ... me into the mouth of death ! Anyway , i added a new counter , quite awhile already , and its counting ... Moreover , i added a new song to this blog . This song is crazy and it sounds so funny that i think it spoils the mood of my blog . Its a spoiler song ... but its damn funny . I think i'll change the song on my blog every two days or something . So please come visit my blog and read my entries , it might spark certain things in ur mind . Certain problems like dead leaves ... will spark into fire by my ideas ... Who knows ? Come see and listen to the new songs , songs that i enjoy listening to , songs that accompanied all these years alone . Insights , inside ...

Devils In The Heart

Canons ... what are canons . Well , previously , i couldnt find anything for its citation . Now , ive plenty and i think im rather prepared for my topic for presentation tomorrow . The problem is that ... im afraid i might just forget what ive rehearsed just now .

Im so shagged . Only Harmony tutorials , true , but there are many things to do . I first played for the performance at the Theatre and i think i suck . I think im rotting more and more ... i cant even play things that i use to play . Anyway , after that i rehearsed Dedric's composition with Raymond on the Ruan . Next , it was Laurance's composition , a very unique one indeed . Many unplayable stuff , but i managed to go through with him and changed some stuffs ... suggested on techniques and some change of notes . His piece is unique in a way that its more abstract then others . His ideas were from deep inside , only after his explanation then i caught his motive . His intention though is there , but i dun think the Pipa can effectively picture the image he wants . Nevermind ... i hope i dun let them both down ... and hope they wont fail !

Guess now u know why im tired . I took a very long bus ride , from school to Bishan then to YioChuKang . Bus 851 is crowded and very stuffy ... so i would rather sit in a longer ride with less people and air-con .

WeiFeng just sent me those pictures that he took for me at Esplanade Outdoor . I need more photos of me performing ... I dunno how to tell people to help take , but when the photos are out , it doesnt look like those that i want .

My Pipa second string snapped , thanks to Audrey who tried to tune it back after knocking it on the Piano stool ...

To think of it , ive only very little time left . There is no time for me to slack anymore . Ive to rush my work and portfolios ! I think the only way is to copy from the seniors ... how they did it . Copy and copy and copy !

Anyway Laurance's piece is called "Devils In The Heart" . Very attractive title isnt it ? The piece is roughly about how a depressed person thinks from his inner mind . In the piece itself , he used alot of ideas of potraying different texture and quality of sound to fit his ideas . I kinda think its very logical and very abstract at the same time . What a farrago of both elements ...

Eyes Wide Shut

Today is the busiest day of the week . History lecture is always a killer . Well , i skipped Music Platform ... i wanted to see the Strings perform too , but too bad i had to practice the piece by Dedric . The piece was somehow difficult because of the fingerings , but overall , its quite simple . Raymond played the Ruan ... then changed to Pipa because it was abit too difficult , but then in the end , changed back to Ruan because MrGoh said cannot use 2 same instruments . Dedric so blur . Then we had lunch , and started gossiping ... the same usual stuff ...

Next year i think it'll be very fun , many people are coming ... many that i know ... i hope they come . So ive accompany , and i wont have to play so much anymore .

Presentation was supposingly today , but we defered it because we werent prepared . The other groups were fine and their powerpoint was beautiful too . ZhengYi , YongRui and i went to disturb Audrey during her presentation . We say infront and started to stare at her , smiling and giving stupid looks . I think i'll be very nervous when it comes to my turn next week . This Friday there is another one . I can talk to a small group , but i cannot talk infront of a big group . Dunno why , i got stage fright even when im a performer . Ironic ... ? No-smoking during ur smoke-breaks , and no eating during lunch ... ? I dunno ... my right leg will shiver and i'll start to stammer ...

The concert is coming ... so soon . I dun even feel it coming . I dunno why , i think im losing my sense for all this kinda events . Things like concerts , festives , birthdays or anything interesting , doesnt even prod me abit with excitement .

DrKan said that my concert review is too cheesey . I asked her myself , i sent her my draft . I think i have to redo the review ...

Bad whether ? Thats what i heard over the radio . I turned on my radio and stood motionless infront of Burlington Square . I watched their backs as they crossed the road and headed towards home . Then , i turned around after they disappeared into the crowd , heading towards my bus-stop with my head down . I was sulking ... over what issues ... ? Over nothing else but some small trivial matters . Today i think there is something we all should work abit on , thats the point when to really laugh and when not to . Mark was very sad after singing the wrong notes during sight-singing class . MrGoh extended his torture by added on with his humour ... though true it might sound silly and funny . I think the whole weight is on Mark now and we should laugh about it . When we are on stage , we feel the edge of the knife pressing against ur back . But when ur sitting amongst the audience , u'll feel nothing . The pressure is different , depending on who and how things are said . MrGoh was kinda bad today ...

Im losing sleep ... i need to sleep . Im somnolent ...

Blue Eyes Blue

I dun really feel like mentioning what happened today . Actually its not the entire whole day , but actually just that few seconds when i heard what i dreaded to hear . I think that its my fault , but its carried things far too serious ...

I think some people are just ... undescribable . They can gossip about almost anyone , even their close friends , and even badmouthing them behind their backs . Well , i hear those kinda things often , but i think when someone says too much of this kinda bad things , i think they are the really problematic ones . I hate this kinda people , im sure im already badmouthed behind my back . There is sure a chance for me to be 'concluded' .

Im really sad and really depressed after hearing that . I know its my fault ... but ... i dunno , maybe because im too sensitive . Im a bad team player , and im a bad soloist , so what am i good in ? I dunno ... I got hurt and i dunno whether heaven felt my pain . I almost just burst out in tears , but ... i held on tight and wouldnt let any roll . So , i just left and went home alone . On my way out of NAFA , i saw Charmaine infront of me , a distance away . When i reached the bus-stop , i saw Charmaine walking slowly towards it . She took the longer route ... but she enjoyed it . I smelled of 'SunShine' and i feared that people in the bus would stare at me . I didnt care much , but i still feel very uncomfortable .

Its been a really long time since i last cried myself to sleep ... because my cousin is staying over here for now . So it has already been 1 whole year , and of course many other things that i do , i cannot do it when they are around . Things i do including ... listening to music damn loudly , practicing my Pipa and playing games . Why play games ... because they will always stare and look , then when i lose or die ... i feel so embarrassed .

Things are done now , i just sent the mail to Samuel . I hope that history will not repeat itself . And i really hope that after tonight , nobody shall mention anything about this to me again . Dun even ask ... dun apologise or anything as well . Im fine ...

Born To Try

Today was the Choir test . And i passed ... many people failed , especially the year 1s . All the MOE teachers failed ... I was lucky i passed . Actually i know my stuff quite well , and i can sing loud , unless its the higher notes . Another factor is because i got LuHeng beside me . LuHeng is a composition student in my class ... we'll usually call him "composer composer" ... and then he'll give a real weird face , the usual one . Anyway , LuHeng is in Bass3 , so u imagine how low he can go , actually his normal talking range is already very low ...

After Choir , Audrey and i went to play at the computer lab . We played the Ju-On game again , and Audrey is still scared . I showed YiFan and gang ... YiFan is an MOE ErHu player in Year 2 . Anyway after that was Chinese Ensemble . I was late and my excuse was that i had stomachache . I played badly , i didnt practice my part . Everything was alright except for mine , thats what MrYeo said . TingTing came back with a total makeover ... i was shocked .

Today i wore my new sweater , i think it makes me look plump . Anyway , then people said that i look punky . I thought so ... but no , thats not what i wanna be . I just wanna be me ... the WeiKang . Samuel and Audrey wrote me a song ... ? It sounded very sad , and i asked why was it so sad ... and Samuel replied , thats the point .

I think when babies are born , they are exposed to many different things . Many fresh new paths that a growing child can choose . Its partly up to him , and his parents . I think everyone is born to try . We took our first step many years ago ... and we tried , but it was by our parents . After so many years , we are already grown ups , still growing though . We now choose what we wanna try . Some chose to walk the academic path , some chose arts and some chose sports . Others chose to remain single , while some chose to be engaged . Some arent really committed because they cant be bothered , while some chose to be one-hearted to only someone special . Its all decisions , all ours . We choose what we like and not what we dun ... but sometimes , there are things that only god can choose . Some are born with a missing limb , while some are born blind . Who can make such decisions ? Its not up to us to decide . Which parent may want their kids to be handicapped ? Who will wanna suffer alone ... ? Nobody wants , but in reality , someone will . Its not to us now , even when we are grown adults ... its up to god alone to make such decisions . So we are fortunate that we arent the chosen ones ... we are normal . Who wants to stand out from the normal people ? Who wants to be special ? Sometimes , being normal is something we all wish for , even for someone big . I bet Micheal Jackson wished that he is a normal kid ... going back through his normal life ... he wished , he wished ... For me , im born to try , and i will not let this advantage go to waste . Seize it !

Mistaken Identity

Its been raining since morning ... and it sets the whether so cool and so beautiful . It calms our mind and soothes our souls . Who hates rainy days , except for the unbrella seller ? I think rainy days are not just troublesome , but it really gets in our way . It stops us from doing what we wanna do , it make us sleepy and it make us feel the want to slack and just lay around . Im tired , and i just got home from Bugis . I turned the air-con on and hung my new sweater behind the door . Its a new sweater i just bought ... it cost me $73 . I told Mom just now ... i told her to have a look , she said it is nice and lucky i bought it already because she wanted to buy one for me . But then , when i told her the price , she was shocked , then she went off the answer the phone ...

Orchestral practice was fine , today we had a full orchestra on the stage itself . The opening of the CC will be kinda grand ... ? Im not sure , i dun really care ... The atmosphere was building up when we played the "LongTengHuYue" and it sounded so intensed . I dunno why , i love playing that piece , its very fun to smash and trash the Pipa around , its seldom that we can do something like that , other than pieces that the 'TanBo' section cannot be heard and there is the presence of heavy percussion , busy dumming and clashing away ... So , i think this piece is suitable for playing out all the kinds of percussive texture the Pipa can produce ...

After practice , it was still raining heavily . We gossiped alittle and we went into the cafe at CSCC ... I hate that place the most . The reason is simple , because the worker there suck and the boss sucked even more . They are pathetic ... I think if i were to go there again , i will sure do what i did , which is criticise them really loudly . They piss me off ... with just that stupid face .

Raymond , ChaiXia and i then decided to go Bugis to shop , since i dunno why ChaiXia enjoys doing so ... We took a bus down . At the bus-stop , we saw this poor little helpless bird , stranded in the rain . It couldnt fly , maybe because its feathers were too heavy , because of the rain that is . But , we couldnt help it ... poor little thing . Well , its time for nature to take its course ... what should die will die and what shouldnt will live . I shall not interfere ... like some people will die faster than any , because they've done too much sin on this earth . Its all up to nature . Mother nature is my god , and i believe in her powers .

I bought another 4 CDs ... and i spent $17 eating at Sketches . The pasta was great ... what was funny to me was the name of my dish . I chose the designer's pasta , meaning i design my own pasta and create what i want . So i named it 'GildonSquarePants' . So when it came , the waitress called out the name of the pasta ... i was laughing and Raymond too , because the way she said it was so cool and normal , thats the funny part .

Im listening to DeltaGoodrem now ... i love her songs !

Sometimes , myself , im a mistaken identity . I wonder who really knows me ... im not ur happy bubble . Im somewhere out of the blue ... and its not true that im a butterfly . Im sad ... im sad ...

Regrets , But No Choice

Dream a dream ... Who doesnt dream about dreaming . U dream , and u want how things are in our dreams . But till now , how many of that has happened in ur life ?

Today was indeed the worst Principal Study i ever had . I think YanYu is quite disappointed today , and it showed on her face . I was very annoyed by my own playing , i dunno why . Ive no time to practice and ive not enough songs to fulfill the requirements . Anyway , i also broke her strings . I was playing , using her Pipa , then there was one note that required pulling on the fourth string , so i pulled , and 'snap' ... its gone . We were looking for another song to fill up the 15 minutes . So we were browsing through many pieces . YanYu was like running about flipping scores , testing them and going through them with me , but nothing worked . In the end , i think im sticking with only one song , and the scales and arpeggios .

I finally completed the notes itself on the concert review of 'Elijah' . So many people asked for it , people including LeeTung , Mark , Audrey and somemore i cant remember who . Anyway now its done , i told Audrey to mass send it via Email to the rest .

I read about Bach today . We studied him about 2 weeks ago , but only today then i met him . StanleySadie introduced J.S.Bach to me and i was very happy to know him . He's life is really a mess and he is indeed a learned musician . Now i understand what DrKan meant by that . Not the definition of what Charles said during Histroy lecture ... I think ive so much to do , i cannot slack anymore . To think of it , there really isnt anytime to slack in NAFA . I think ive learnt my lesson . Ive to swear that i will do my work every week to avoid sufferings like that again .

Swears ... promises ... they all lie under the same roof . The house which all rules will be broken ... I know , and i know for sure ... what i say , i wont preach . I will try my best , even this , i cannot fulfill . Please save me ...

Sometimes people will regret on what they've said . Even for me , i regret what i say but its under the 'no choice' circumstances that i've to say and promise all the nonsense ive done before . However , we know that we have no turning back , because there is a reason why we regret .

Secret Garden

There is this little secret garden , somewhere in my heart ... and this is the place where i play and spend my day ... idling and enjoying my time with the trees and flowers . Sometimes life is beautiful , but sometimes its dull . It all depends on who ur spending ur time with ... Life was blue , like an ocean deep and like the abyss so dark . Thats because i chose to spend my life alone . I made a mistake and i followed deeper as it calls from behind the hazy road . For me , now i prefer to change for the better , but i fear that its useless afterall , because i know soon after , i will fall back into the same predicament . Im accursed and im devoured by the darkness ... there is no turning back , and i can only choose to fall deeper , and i chose to do so . I dun wanna hang myself in time somewhere alone , i'll rather fall and explore whats underneath . I'll be the lesson learnt , myself , and i shall go about preaching to others how it is down there , so that others may or may not follow the path i led . My secret garden ... my secrets , my dark secrets .

Today was another wasted day . I didnt do much , only copied my Aural work before lesson from Natasha . And , today i got to know that 2 person in school wrote a piece for me to play for their composition exam . Laurance and Dedric wrote each a piece , and im so stressed , i fear that i may disappoint them . Laurance's especially , because its a work with the Harpsichord ... my first attempt ever . This is only the first semester and i think there is more after this .

I performed for class today . And it sounded horrible like usual ...

'47336' is a case file that we had to run . We literally ran around the whole of Bugis and around BeachRoad . This mission was very exciting , and actually i already knew the outcome . Its obvious ... its really obvious . Thats it , ive confirmed something , and its really that serious and bad . This is perposterous and ridiculous .

This place doesnt belong to me , it belonged to the people who knows how to survive .

Push Me Off The Cliff

I think somehow this kinda people are really powerful is some sense . They really are the top and the smarter lot of the human species . Or isit that when people get too smart and they think too much , they enter this realm where they turn and transform into another species like that . Ive no idea when evolution actually began with the mind . Its a sign ... ? I think this is part of it , as if people keep turning like that , there wont be any offsprings to cover up for the loss due to such a change . Therefore , the world will end ...

I sound stupid ...

Anyway , i was doing fine during Harmony class , though i didnt attend the lectures , i think somehow i can figure somethings myself . I think i need to go for MrYap's lame Harmony Clinic . I think the idea of such name is super lame , and only MrYap can think of that ... hes really funny and damn cool . I like to see his hair fly when he opens the door really fast ... and i think hes a really cool guy . Funny ...

I think i can complete my portfolios if i complete one everyday .

I dunno whats wrong with my counters ... it counted till somewhere around 1050 then now it doesnt work anymore . Im so disappointed , but well , i think its better not to let me know how many viewed my blog , because sometimes i might just scare me . I think ... i better go get another counter ... contradicting ... I think i should remove the old one already then ...

I practiced today in school , and i think i played too loudly that i disturbed other classes . Classmates having tutorial told me that they could hear me playing when DrKan played some Passions ... even after it ended . The Recorder teacher asked the year 2s whether there is someone playing the Guitar outside ... then they told him its called a Pipa i think . When he came out , i think i saw him lipping the word 'Pipa' and he smiled ...

Some people are mugging like crazy , and they are the types which i admire most . I cannot force myself to mug , neither do i have the motivation to mug ... i think im the worst kinda pupil a teacher would ever had . I need something to make me mug ...

I think this should be the time when people should just leave me alone and ignore me , other than usually , i think now its better . Push me off the cliff to make me crawl back up myself !

I think better not ...

Do it !

Nevermind ...

This Old Man , He Played ... None !

Feldenkrais ... whats that ? Its a special programme that teaches u how to get injured , so u can apply all the excercise and stretches they recommend to cure it . I think the lady is very rude and she is very annoying . I just didnt enjoy my time there at all ... i know Jose did , and i know some people did , but for me , its like a waste of time . To think of it , she can actually just have one session with us , because what she says is like going in circles ...

I think im going to die , seriously . I dun think im that lucky this time ... my luck has ran out , and its time to replenish it .

Anyway , i was playing the stupid game on the net , its like a waste of time . Its called "Solve The Mystery" , its so freaking hard . I still couldnt solve it ... the first puzzle was hard enough that SiHan had to tell me the answer for me to continue ...

Today i was so late for Histroy lecture . I was sick on yesterday and im late today , what fate . Anyway , i got in very late and i felt very lost . I think i still dunno much about Bach , just little shattered pieces lying around in my head . Sight-singing test was alright . I skipped the Music Platform to practice on my sight-singing . I got two Bs ... not bad actually , i thought . Everyone in class was practicing outside the Recital Hall while two by two took their turns to be tested . Something funny was how everyone looked when they practiced , everyone seemed to be like as if they were going to take part in the Singapore Idol audition . Williana was the best i think , she sang so seriously , and with so much gusto , i think she got two As . She has a powerful voice , really . Impressive ...

How can i forget ... just now , it was the worst thing ive seen in my life , this old man was dressed as a woman ! There was this old man , skinny , short grey hair and some rough facial hair . A typical old man wasting his time at the coffee shop , u know that type ? Think u can imagine that ... Anyway , he was wearing a jade ring , a pink light sweater , a low-cut shirt obviously for woman , a lacey skirt , stockings , a pair of shoes for woman and a red coloured handbag . I was entering the bus which was quite crowded , and i thought i'll have to stand throughout the journey . To my surprise , there was only one seat available and nobody wanted to sit there . I was wondering why , then i noticed , it was that old man there . I didnt care so i sat beside him , with only half of my butt cheeks on the seat , and the other half out of the seat , keeping a distance from this weird old man . Hes really disgusting ... and he was eating this chocolate bar , and then he hid the wrapping behind the seat ... Eccentric ?

Sickly Tuesdays ? Or Tuesday Blues

I finally did something today . I completed my Portfolio IV ... it was quite easy , i managed to just gather the answers from StanleySadie and the internet . However , organising it and to structure it according to ur own words is kinda hard . I had to come up with some sentences myself to make myself sound smarter . I copied and pasted it and sent it to DrKan and asked if it was acceptable . She said the content is alright , and for the section on my report to how i feel about the question and what difficulties i had , she replied me with a whole chunk . A total stranger to me sometimes i may find ... the things she say is totally out of my mind . Its like another realm ... She is really quality compared to verbosity , or rather , both .

Tomorrow there is a test on sight-singing and i havent prepared myself . Today i was sick again , i dunno why , but Tuesday is really a bad day . This time i had no choice but to go see the doctor because medicine at home just ran out . Anyway , the doctor was very nice . She asked about my school and what i play ... she is really nice . Somehow reminds me of DrKan , maybe just abit older ... Anyway , i had a bad afternoon , after doing the portfolio .

At night , i finally brought YanYu's Pipa for KunRui for repair . It had been around 3 weeks , and i didnt had time to go down , so tonight i went there . Im going down tomorrow to pick it up anyway . I went to his house and i took a peep at all the latest Pipa he has . Then i played with WuYiMin's Pipa ... it sounded great . KunRui was fixing ChenYunZhen's Pipa at that time , and complaining to me how it sounded ... but there is no choice , sometimes instruments are like that , especially Chinese ones , incurable .

My Mom is irritating me ... sometimes she just dun understand .

Quality , Not Quantity

Im listening to another CD that i bought a few weeks ago , i didnt have much time to listen to it ... its works composed by LinHai and FangZhongPei . After listening to the soundtracks of "Crystal Boys" , im now kinda curious how this CD im listening to might sound . Somewhere there ? Or somewhere different ... Im right , its another exotic world of music . New remix of music for a new century . This new co-operation began , a new river began to flow with more loving force because its a convergence of two rivers of emotions . Melodies are like red wine that reaches its best time very , very slowly . And during the brewing process , memories kept surging up . The music isnt just Cello and Piano anymore , but something richer .

Sometimes we might often regret about certain things . Sometimes we regret of the special feel when we perform on stage . Sometimes we might regret that nobody recorded it down as part of memory . But i know many things do not offer u a second chance . So i try to hold on to my second chances and feel my first as my second , savouring its taste and enjoying every moment i have .

Today was a bad day i can say . Not really that its that bad like how it sounded , but it was just another normal day like how the rest are . Next week there is a test for choir ... and im so nervous about it ... Though the year 1s did the best today , but i think it really has to come down to individuals for the test itself . Music is like that , there is no pillar of support , its all down to oneself .

I was so tired and i slumbered throughout the commuter concert . Nancy Yuen ... im speechless . Guess that its a totally different feeling to see teachers and lecturers perform on stage . I dunno , its just different ... It proves quality .

Waste

My blogging time is always after 12 nowadays , so please look at the time . Like this one , is under Monday , but im blogging about Sunday . Its like 5 minutes after midnight thats why its under Monday ... get it ? Dun act stupid ... i know u understand .

Anyway , today's practice was one of the worst ... its an ultimate bore . We practiced 'Home' for over 6 times , and stopping again and again over the same mistakes . Where is the musicality ? And where are the brain cells ? I was like playing the score over and over with different techniques and variations ... guess u can tell how bored i am .

After lunch , we went back to practice more . XiuHua havent return me my duckie yet , so in exchange , i took her cow . Im now the sectional leader , and the responsibility is on me . I weigh the burden and carry it on my back , like hays of straws . The most is that if i cannot take it , and they wont allow me to change back to just a normal orchestral player , then i shall leave this place . However , its quite fun for now ... at least i get to take the scores myself .

I didnt go out to Bugis with them after that , i went home . But i didnt study , instead i was playing ... so disappointing , but yet , it was what i wanted to do . Im so useless ... i need some motivation . Anyway , thats all ... today is just another wasted day .

Raped

Today im quite disappointed with myself ... YanYu requested for somethings and yet i couldnt perform well upon her request . I feel so weak suddenly ... today i didnt talk much during lesson till when lesson is at its end ...

I think im going to cry ... now im feeling so useless . Today , things were swaying with the wind ... very slowly ... and gently . Things were slow and slower ... so lethargic i felt that i was feeling so down . My heart felt so heavy that it might just die out like that . And certain things just cant get out of my mind ... even while im preoccupied , this problems just keep surfacing . Things like politics , people and school . Music , need not to be said , is always a problem to musicians ...

I feel that something bad is going to happen ... Something that never happened before in my entire life . However , its still life and it has to go on ... its part of it . Some people stay and some people go , a theme from the novel 'Tex' , and i strongly believes in it . It may sound very profound ... but actually its always that simple ... For those who read it before , u might know what im beating around about ...

Anyway , i still cant get over the music from "Crystal Boys" . I listened to the whole disc for like 6 times today . From afternoon till now ... and i just stopped when my cousin came in to turn on the TV . I love the music , i repeat , i love it ! Im looking for more and more CDs like that ... anything , anything and anything that rapes my ear . I will welcome any !

Hopeless Romantic

I just bought a CD featuring the cello . FangZhongPei , cellist and composer , released this album featuring works composed by him and some with LinHai . I love its music , i repeated the CD 4 times already ... i love it . The only problem is that it is based on this TV series in Taiwan , called 'Crystal Boys' . By the title itself , u should get some hint that it sounds queer . Indeed , it is based on a theme of homosexuality . However , thats just the shallow understanding of this TV series . Beside the homosexual theme , what people say was the family bond , friendship and the struggling emotion surpressed by its uniqueness . Its an opera that alchemized tradegy into golden powder . This is going out for all the homeless boys wandering in the streets , in the abyss of the night , by PaiHsienYung .

First novel to focus on gay culture in Chinese society . This novel had been translated into numerous languages , including English , French , German and Japanese . The author's quote , "In our kingdom , there are only dark nights , no daylight . Once the sky turns bright , our kingdom becomes invincible ... In our kingdom , there are no divisions between rich and poor , noble and low , old and young , strong and weak . What we have are each other's bodies that burn with desire so hot that the pain is unbearable . And each other's lonely heart that drive us crazy ... " , suggests that this piece is not just a simple work , but this work written to a degree unexpected in both quantity and quality . The cast alone is enough to excite many Taiwanese movie fans , as it gathers together the best-looking group of Taiwanese actors ever to perform in this TV drama . The author's intention was not to make a gay work , but he was fascinated many times by the atmosphere and that kind of warmth among people and their relationship , be it friendship , family or romantic love . This kind of warmth seems to have been lost now . So the author wanted to recollect this feelings and the aura again on screen . TV series is directed by TsaoJuiYuan . Director managed to capture the mood of the novel slendidly and the results were very pleasing .

Gay literature is on a rise . And its even in high demand ... so i think there is no need to despise or discriminate such people already . But ... some are just incorrigible .

Some little things i thought while listening to the music ... many themes and different moods and affection was obviously conveyed at that time . Blunt ideas but worthy to be thought of , "What is the use of fortune and prestige ? Youth is the most treasured in the world !" . True yet untrue , people do wanna buy time and back into their youths , but ... its still not that important after weighing it with fortune .

Im so over the Tv series of this novel . Its getting me curious to how it is like . Its purely literature and not simple story books . But one thing i noticed was this place that was mentioned over and over again . Its the Lotus Pond ... it must have some meaning like "The King Of The Castle" , the Warings . It must have shared a common theme in it ... i cant figure what it is , but from what i know , the lovers met at the Lotus Pond . This is indeed another tradegy of a romance that couldnt survive without struggles and torture from this society of politics and chaos . Sad ... i can feel the shady melancholy .

In the dark kingdom there had been the age of innocence . There was no difference of age , rank or fortune . What united people were only the hearts . The lonely , maddening hearts . Go on , its ur turn to fly . Its in ur blood ... ur like a fledgling , who've lost ur nest , like a flock of seagulls crossing the ocean , struggling to keep flying ahead , with no idea where u'll wind up ... Though the outside world looked huge and infinite , one day the fledgling would have no choice but to fly back to the old nest , the dark forest of the park , beside the Lotus Pond .

Dead Snail

Now im chatting with the Breno boy from Friendster . Hes very nice ...

Yesterday everyone was having a bad mood i think ... or isit just me . I was irritating alot of people ? I dunno ... Anyway , today was kinda dull and boring . I just got home and i had dinner with Mark at BurgerKing , when im supposed to be at my bus-stop at Bugis . I finally got my bus concession !

Im easily hurt . And now , im hurt .

I called YanYu , and she told me the same thing i wanted to tell her . And that is ... not to have lesson tonight because im really tired ... we think alike !?

Sometimes when ur in a rush , time passes by like a dead snail ...

Deep Blue Sea

Im not sad ... im just moody . I dunno why , today i didnt go to school , i was feeling maybe just abit uncomfortable , but mainly it lies around truancy .

I went for lunch with my grandparents . It was my grandma's birthday , actually my Dad asked me if i wanna go for the dinner with him . I ignored him , and i rejected him when he prompted me twice . Anyway , the dinner was cancelled . We ate at CrystalJade . After eating i had to rush off because my Mom was waiting for me at the carpark . She didnt join us , she brought me there to eat with my grandparents . Anyway its my paternal grandparents , and my parents are divorced so its kinda awkward for my Mom to see my paternal grandparents . Anyway , things are getting better between my Mom and them , now the problem lies with my Dad , that useless freak . Since the bill took so long , i thought maybe i'll be good this time and foot the bill as a treat to my grandma as her birthday gift . So i told them i had to rush off , while they were waiting , i sneaked my way to the cashier and paid $89.90 . It was indeed a bomb , but i just took out the cash and only worried that they'll find out . I didnt want them to wait there forever for the bill , so i told the waitress to pass them the reciept and tell them i paid already . After awhile , my auntie called , she was with us also , to take care of the old folks . She said that grandpa was scolding me , not in the fierce manner , but just saying why i paid for the bill and stuff ... Then i laughed .

I went down to Esplanade only to find that everyone's going home . I was so upset , i came from home and now im going back . Mark's movie outing was cancelled because he couldnt find any cinema showing the movie he wants to watch . So i was dragging myself . I feel so left out sometimes ... but im fine with that . We went on this river taxi ride ... it cost $6 . It was fun , Samuel and gang was shouting and taking photos ... Then , for me , i'll prefer to settle down and feel whateva its out there ready for me to feel . My mood was with the current ... the ups and the downs , the rise and fall ... suddenly i became all moody and stuff , my mind was then filled with thoughts . I was thinking about something ... All of a sudden , i think im spoiling the mood of others . Shawn and Audrey was asking why im so sad , but im not . I smiled and looked out to the waters . Its dark , its quiet and its beautiful . I remembered i asked many people about this personality test ... describe the ocean with one word , and the answer would be on how u would describe ur own life . For me , that specific scene would suit my answer . Its not that bad after all , at least i know there are people passing by me each day , but none will stop to appreciate and take a closer look . I feel so used ...

To make a firm stand to the question on my first blog entry , i think this year isnt an end . Its a miracle beginning . A miracle wouldnt mean something very drastic , its just that its something unexpected ... its not like the dead would come alive , its like , at least the dead didnt rot .

Im poised on the tip of the knife . Like again , i can already feel its pull ... the fall is inevitable . Sometimes i wonder if my ideas are feasible , but i'll always expect them to be failures like how i am . Things will never change , will they ? When will things start changing ... or has it been changing all the while ?

I dunno ... i dunno anything .

Life Detour

I cant imagine i really get to know someone from Friendster . There was this guy , he viewed my profile , he is thinking of getting into NAFA or Laselle , he is going after Visual Arts . Anyway , he appeared in my 'Who Viewed My Profile" list ... so i messaged him for fun , like , ask him why he was looking at my profile and stuff , in a joking manner of course . Then we started messaging ... Interesting ...

Fhairil replied my testimonial ... and its funny .

Fairul is really irritating ... he is picking on me . I think we can never collide ... its impossible . Im opposing to his way of opening up himself to socialise ... its so disgusting . However , its the way how others wanna potray themselves . So , its not my choice , only mine to hate or like it ... Audrey , another mad one ... im speechless again !

Anyway , im composing another crappy song ... i hope i can finish it because im left with 2 saves only . I think its a failure piece , but who cares .

Today was tiring , we had our normal practices . After which , we ate at BurgerKing and i went back to school with Mark to finish up on our Harmony groupwork . Which we didnt manage to complete ... we were busy laughing away with Fhairil ... then we were really silly . Firstly , it was with Samuel , we made some stupid songs about Music Platform and the normal frenzy topics ... Anyway , im so bored now . I just came home with Fhairil , we took some bus detour ...

Scary Children's Day

Composing again ... i think the previous Clarinet concerto is too kiddy , anyway im still going to finish it up . Now abstracting ideas from my partitas and creating another set of ideas ... Nevermind ...

Today's practice at CSCO was not bad , we managed to try the first and second movement of the new piece . I forgot to bring my red polo-T shirt and jeans , so i went home to get it after lunch . I played a while ... then i went for the performance . It was a face-losing performance , nevermind , i just went for the money ... It was a children's day party . When i realise what's going on over there , it was too late . A Malay girl was singing really loudly on stage . Its either she is really good or she has no sense of pitching , because she was harmonising chords on stage . Not bad ... then one of the Malay guy balancing the sound told me to stuff something in my ear because she is really going to sing really high and loudly . Her tone was flat , so it sounded really bad . However , i think i enjoyed it . After performing , i took the money and disappeared from that place ... I think YongXiong met a new friend there .

I deleted some of my cousin's stuff off my computer , i warned him , but i dunno whether he took my advice and just save his stuffs in his thumbdrive , since its like so big . So i deleted his songs and one of his software . Not my fault ... next , it might be ur account my dear .

Played Minesweepers with Audrey again . I think u can expect the results ... funny ...

Anyway , now i think i got money to ... buy CDs again ! So exciting ...

Speechless

I had lesson with YanYu today , because Thursday i was too tired , i didnt even blog on that day . Anyway , lesson was great . She heard my Pipa , and she said that its sound is hidden and trapped inside the wood . I agree , it doesnt come out , thats the point . I hate my Pipa , and it hates me too . Today was the first time i see her husband . Also the first lesson during the daytime . I forgot to ask back the DVDs that i lent to her , so i can pass it to Nicholas . Poor memory ...

After lesson im supposingly going to meet Samuel for dinner and then rot . However , i was too tired , and somebody bugged me so badly that my handphone went to a single battery unit . I was quite annoyed , but i didnt say anything . I hate flat batteries , i dunno why , and i hate people saying their battery is flat or something . Now , im irritated by my cousin's handphone , hes ringingtone is like 3min long , and he is not around when it usually rings . I hate it ... i hate this and that , that i dunno what i like . Anyway , i dunno whether Samuel really asked me out , or isit just a tag along thingi , i feel so extra , so i didnt wanna go . So sad ... now im having my usual doldrums ... nothing will lift my spirit higher now ... maybe only one , but its impossible for it to happen .

Im so stressed now . Im the sectional leader now ... and i really dunno what to do , i hate to involve myself with politcal affairs . Or maybe even non-musical affairs ... i hate it . If its gonna stress me even more , i think i will rather pack my stuff and take my flight .

People might just claim how depress they may be . To me , i dunno how depress they may be compared to me . But i do know that they consider themself depressed . Thats the most important part . Its not how depressed they are , but the fact that they are depressed . Im not as depressed as i was , but to a certain extent , i still am .

I dun like to be forced , if u do , just dun care what i might still say , because in my heart , im already cursing u . I might look normal or sound normal , but in my heart im trying my best to avoid questioning . Who likes to be forced , but sometimes , being forced may be good . Treat it as discipline . However , in this case today , its not . Pesky ... really irritating . Im not avoiding u or something , but dun force me . I said next time , so i mean , next time . Or u choose , next time or never . When i say not today , im serious that today is not the day . But , it depends who i say it too ... sometimes , i just want them to ask me again , to make me feel good . Things like , "Weikang u wanna come for my birthday party ?" ... it'll feel good to hear it again ... Sarcastic .

Im playing Minesweepers with Audrey now . She is busy playing with others , so her response is like a dead snail . Anyway , out of all the games , she never fail to lose . But today , she won me once . I was so shocked .

My tongue hurts ... like got blister . Dunno why ... but its irritating me . My mood swings is always activated by this kinda stupid factors .

Again , im speechless .