Last day of January ... guess time really flies . If ur gonna look back somehow ... it'll really seem as if time really pass so quickly ... But if u were to look ahead ... it'll really seem as if time is taking its own sweet time itself . Things happen so slowly ... things come yet so quickly . Think we're used to the laid back lifestlyes . We should motivate ourselves somehow ... for something .
Borrowed YouGuo's pipa ... for the performances ... think i shouldnt had borrowed . Hope i dun spoil it ... my own pipa ... where isit ? At home , it's growing fungus all over ... feeding the mites ... ? Its frets are now V-shaped liked .
Met up with Sherwin . After that , we went to play LAN at Cyberdome . Sean couldnt make it , because he had to work ... Mr. Softee working ... cant imagine that ... It made me realise that im actually just as bad as he is . I still dun have a job ... though many opportunities outside for performances ... but i never worked with my own bare hands before . What a loser ... Marc Han was there playing too . Dun really like that penguin-looking shortie . I hate his attitude . I was owning him , not that im pro or whateva , cant i just be a little more improved on my Dota game ... ? He said it must bugged ... thats the reason why he couldnt kill me ... eat shit Marc . Elliot and Jonathan came later , they , with Marc , trashed me , Matthew , Birdie and Sherwin ... for every game ... Elliot , its not that ur pro , its because of Jonathan , understand ? Stop that obnoxious look , and those stupid remarks . Use a spellcaster , if u can that is ...
Clarence in CI ? I-Dec told me that ... that bastard in CI ? Clarence is one bastard that i know in my secondary days . Matthew , I-Dec , him and i use to hang together . I was the middle man , because they all dun really like each other . But honestly , Matthew might be fine , I-Dec is a great friend , Clarence is just another bastard . Obnoxious ... Poor Cyrus , heard Clarence is in his class . Cyrus , take care and good luck . Pray hard ...
I just realised that im paying adult fare for my bus and MRT rides . No wonder im paying so much nowadays , just to top up my EZ-Link card ... stupid Singapore with its stupid Rules ... thought they wont update and stuff ... guess they're still smart when it comes to money ...
I dressed kinda dowdily today ... ? Bought some new clothings ... will figure soon how to wear them ...
Monday, January 31, 2005
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Pain In The Ass
Last night ... something terrible happened . It was brief , it was violent . I was vilified , i was criticised . I vilified , i criticised . Like physics , i get my share back . I couldnt hold it no more . I had a fight with my cousin . Though i didnt throw a punch , guess my words are just as painful . He punched me in the face , it was bad ... It was swollen yesterday , now its better . However think im gonna get ulcers , because there was bleeding inside . It'll hurt ... Though my punches were kept to myself , never believed in violence , i was rather ruthless . My demeanour ... ? Just my reactions ... ? Scary i must say ... really ... Uncle came in to stop after he heard the sound of my cousin's punch . He dragged him out of my room and chided him . I took his mattress , though its mine , and threw it outside , with a pillow of course . I told him never to use my computer and never enter my room again . I locked the door at once after . i was really mad ... my whole body was burning , like ablazed by wild fire . My heart was beating crazy ... i cant take it , i cannot take this kinda pressure . I really scorned him ... He went downstairs and cried ... I cried alone in my room . Now ... he's still sleeping outside .
My temper goes with the wind . Ever wonder where the winds come from ... ? Ever wonder where they die ... ? Same , the principles apply ...
Went to Cheng San CC , though i swore that it'll be my last ... i have to go back for another week , because conductor didnt come ... i had to pass him some cheque , so i can collect my pay . Stress ...
Had guest at home . Watched Lord of the Rings , the last episode . It was kinda long ... but still kinda nice to me . Really felt kinda touched ... held the tears back . Finally someone corrected my English ... ' reckless ' and ' listless ' ... thought they were the same ... ?
After dinner , i went to sit with my Mom and grandma ... talked about the incident yesterday ... kinda sad though . But , im just that mule , the stubborn one . I'll not give in .
Sometimes ... its not your decision about anything . Its fate that shape your destiny . The past is passed ... it cannot change . The only thing that can be changed , its the future .
My temper goes with the wind . Ever wonder where the winds come from ... ? Ever wonder where they die ... ? Same , the principles apply ...
Went to Cheng San CC , though i swore that it'll be my last ... i have to go back for another week , because conductor didnt come ... i had to pass him some cheque , so i can collect my pay . Stress ...
Had guest at home . Watched Lord of the Rings , the last episode . It was kinda long ... but still kinda nice to me . Really felt kinda touched ... held the tears back . Finally someone corrected my English ... ' reckless ' and ' listless ' ... thought they were the same ... ?
After dinner , i went to sit with my Mom and grandma ... talked about the incident yesterday ... kinda sad though . But , im just that mule , the stubborn one . I'll not give in .
Sometimes ... its not your decision about anything . Its fate that shape your destiny . The past is passed ... it cannot change . The only thing that can be changed , its the future .
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Take The Shackles Off My Feet
Think cousin is using my computer to surf porn again . Did i mention ' again ' ? Think i did ... yes , again , ' again ' . Ive caught him a few times before , ive warned him . Since he wanna lose face , i'll warn him in front of my Mom . Ive got enough of all these problems . Computer infection ... ? I asked someone down to fix the computer . He's Jacky , another cousin ... hes a really nice guy . Quiet and soft spoken ... So now ... ive to rename my 500+ MIDIs . Think about that .
Almost thought that i wont be able to blog today ... well ... luckily there's still Jacky around . Trust me , no more internet for my cousins . Though the other one is fine . So sorry ... one for all , all for one . Ive always belived in that ... ? Do i ? Not really ...
Today was kinda busy . I didnt go to Cheng San CC to help out ... im really tired . Ive gotten another performance ... so packed , and so confusing ... its all not fixed and not really scheduled , really frustrating . I went to Ang Mo Kio Central to look for Sylvester and Stanley . They asked me out for LAN . I asked ChaiXia along . In the end , we went shopping for WeiLiang's clothing , because he couldnt enter any LAN shop with school based shirt . We took quite long ... ? After that , we were literally rotting . We went to every LAN shop , all were booked or packed . So , i suggested Paradiz Centre . I used to play there with Lucien , Jong and gang ... We didnt really know what to play ... we sat quite far from one another ... so ... it wasnt really fun .
Stanley bought a coke , literally drilling a hole in his wallet ... it cost $8 . We sat there ... enjoying the singing and the breeze ... kinda nice . The singers were great ... ? Not bad i must say .
Now im like a glowing splint . Anytime , i might just light up again . Hope that i wont be nettled again . Their really pesky . Irritating ... Well , my tolerance has a limit . They've crossed the line . If Mom really want them to stay , im sorry , but i think ive to leave . Its either they go or i stay ... make sense ? No . They must go . I want back my freedom . Ive lived without it for almost a year now . Its enough . I want back my freedom , again , i want back my freedom .
Fly away ... somewhere else ... not from this troubles , this forsaken land . Free me ...
Almost thought that i wont be able to blog today ... well ... luckily there's still Jacky around . Trust me , no more internet for my cousins . Though the other one is fine . So sorry ... one for all , all for one . Ive always belived in that ... ? Do i ? Not really ...
Today was kinda busy . I didnt go to Cheng San CC to help out ... im really tired . Ive gotten another performance ... so packed , and so confusing ... its all not fixed and not really scheduled , really frustrating . I went to Ang Mo Kio Central to look for Sylvester and Stanley . They asked me out for LAN . I asked ChaiXia along . In the end , we went shopping for WeiLiang's clothing , because he couldnt enter any LAN shop with school based shirt . We took quite long ... ? After that , we were literally rotting . We went to every LAN shop , all were booked or packed . So , i suggested Paradiz Centre . I used to play there with Lucien , Jong and gang ... We didnt really know what to play ... we sat quite far from one another ... so ... it wasnt really fun .
Stanley bought a coke , literally drilling a hole in his wallet ... it cost $8 . We sat there ... enjoying the singing and the breeze ... kinda nice . The singers were great ... ? Not bad i must say .
Now im like a glowing splint . Anytime , i might just light up again . Hope that i wont be nettled again . Their really pesky . Irritating ... Well , my tolerance has a limit . They've crossed the line . If Mom really want them to stay , im sorry , but i think ive to leave . Its either they go or i stay ... make sense ? No . They must go . I want back my freedom . Ive lived without it for almost a year now . Its enough . I want back my freedom , again , i want back my freedom .
Fly away ... somewhere else ... not from this troubles , this forsaken land . Free me ...
Friday, January 28, 2005
Family , Considering Just Two ?
I was just doing some quizes ... kinda shocked ... they were all kinda true ... somehow ... Ive pasted them in my template , its just right at the bottom , scroll down , all the way .
I was composing today , a new song , for this coming festive . A new year song ... ? ChaiXia said it was not bad ... i thought its kinda stupid , but ... who cares ... ? Had lunch at Baba's , it was great ... think its better to go there for dinner , hate the afternoon sun . Maybe i'll get to play with some dogs again ...
I went Chinatown . Yesterday didnt go ... last minute again ... Sometimes really cant trust what Mom says ... But , today i bought Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits CD ... so happy . Her songs are great ... if im not wrong ... her vocal range is 7 octaves . Impressive ... ? Yes .
Mom was clearing the house ... but only managed to clear the shoes ... Why bother clearing ? Its only new year ... i dun get it ? Why are people so supersticious ? Or isit just an excuse to clear the old stuffs ... I dun see a need in all these kinda nonsense ... I hate clearing my stuffs ... no wonder my room is in a mess ... Usually i get to find my stuff , but if i dun , i'll get a real big headache . In the end , i will , no matter . She was screaming for my name , all the time . Really got pissed ... But no choice ...
Whats wrong with my computer again ... ? Its getting laggy , and laggy , and laggy . Irritating ...
Just got another job , another performance . This time , its for ITE graduation night ... Didnt expect that ... Thanks to WeiFeng , but i still think it sucks . But , i'll take it anyway ... unless someother people want ... ?
I think life is just a frenzy ... ?
How can i keep forgetting ... ? I wanna talk about one of my aunty . I call her Nana . Shes slightly mentally disabled . But , u cant call her retard , because shes just normal , like me . She was down due to two reasons , studies and boyfriend . Thats why i say ... " all guys are no good " , which turns out kinda true . Look at that bastard , my father , my uncles and my friends . Anyway ... shes a university student . Her studies are like way top above me , which is quite common i think ... Her maths ... superb . Dun ever look down on her , her English , Maths , Science and anything else , its all better than anyone i know . But its really a pity why she ended up this way ... But look on the bright side , she dun have to worry about anything . Im envious ... She cannot take too much stress ... thats all . She is crazy over handsome guys ... kinda funny ... She likes me alot , she treats me damn well . I like to talk to her and stuff ... hate it when people look at her with those kinda eyes . Shes really nice . She once said something ... it got me thinking ... she said , " If my mother die , i think i'll die with her . I cannot live without her ... " Think it hit me real hard . It made me cry ... ? Kinda sobbing ... Mothers are the best and most beautiful creatures on earth . Fathers on the other hand , are just bastard creatures , they ought to be thrown into the sea to feed the hungry sharks ... but to think of it ... we still need them . So , just lock them in jail , get them when needed .
I love Mom , Mom love me . We are family , together forever . Dad , just forget it and jump yourself , i'll ask Step-Mom to arrange a cheaper funeral for u ... so can save the money to raise her daughter . Remember , im the ' Fun ' in your ' Funeral ' ...
I was composing today , a new song , for this coming festive . A new year song ... ? ChaiXia said it was not bad ... i thought its kinda stupid , but ... who cares ... ? Had lunch at Baba's , it was great ... think its better to go there for dinner , hate the afternoon sun . Maybe i'll get to play with some dogs again ...
I went Chinatown . Yesterday didnt go ... last minute again ... Sometimes really cant trust what Mom says ... But , today i bought Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits CD ... so happy . Her songs are great ... if im not wrong ... her vocal range is 7 octaves . Impressive ... ? Yes .
Mom was clearing the house ... but only managed to clear the shoes ... Why bother clearing ? Its only new year ... i dun get it ? Why are people so supersticious ? Or isit just an excuse to clear the old stuffs ... I dun see a need in all these kinda nonsense ... I hate clearing my stuffs ... no wonder my room is in a mess ... Usually i get to find my stuff , but if i dun , i'll get a real big headache . In the end , i will , no matter . She was screaming for my name , all the time . Really got pissed ... But no choice ...
Whats wrong with my computer again ... ? Its getting laggy , and laggy , and laggy . Irritating ...
Just got another job , another performance . This time , its for ITE graduation night ... Didnt expect that ... Thanks to WeiFeng , but i still think it sucks . But , i'll take it anyway ... unless someother people want ... ?
I think life is just a frenzy ... ?
How can i keep forgetting ... ? I wanna talk about one of my aunty . I call her Nana . Shes slightly mentally disabled . But , u cant call her retard , because shes just normal , like me . She was down due to two reasons , studies and boyfriend . Thats why i say ... " all guys are no good " , which turns out kinda true . Look at that bastard , my father , my uncles and my friends . Anyway ... shes a university student . Her studies are like way top above me , which is quite common i think ... Her maths ... superb . Dun ever look down on her , her English , Maths , Science and anything else , its all better than anyone i know . But its really a pity why she ended up this way ... But look on the bright side , she dun have to worry about anything . Im envious ... She cannot take too much stress ... thats all . She is crazy over handsome guys ... kinda funny ... She likes me alot , she treats me damn well . I like to talk to her and stuff ... hate it when people look at her with those kinda eyes . Shes really nice . She once said something ... it got me thinking ... she said , " If my mother die , i think i'll die with her . I cannot live without her ... " Think it hit me real hard . It made me cry ... ? Kinda sobbing ... Mothers are the best and most beautiful creatures on earth . Fathers on the other hand , are just bastard creatures , they ought to be thrown into the sea to feed the hungry sharks ... but to think of it ... we still need them . So , just lock them in jail , get them when needed .
I love Mom , Mom love me . We are family , together forever . Dad , just forget it and jump yourself , i'll ask Step-Mom to arrange a cheaper funeral for u ... so can save the money to raise her daughter . Remember , im the ' Fun ' in your ' Funeral ' ...
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Cadaverous People
I cannot eat at this rate ... should be a little more abstenious ... eat less eat less ...
I complained ... Everytime when my Mom's in town , i'll not be spared from the clutchs of temptation , food . Scary ... Its not that i cant eat , i can , its that i try to stop myself from eating too much . But , usually i would fall for it . Gargantuan meals , im used to it . Its all Mom's fault , partially actually , when i was younger , she fed me with something , some medicine . She thought i might not eat well and stuff ... Now the consequences show , doesnt it ?
So cooling ... i finally opened my window . My room window was shut for at least half a year ... ? I dun like to let air in ... But , today was different . Its about to becoma a sauna . Now its just so cooling ... better than air-con . I cannot sleep in this kinda condition , i'll start to itch , rashes . It was very serious when i was younger , real big patches . Had to use white vinegar to cool myself .
Im really hungry now ... Im going Chinatown again later , like yesterday . Hope i can buy another CD .
Managed to complete another Concerto , Bagpipe Concerto . It sounded too oriental though ... but i think i managed to capture the flavour of the bagpipe .
Strange ... 147 viewed my friendster profile since 12 Jan . So many ... ? Jasmine and ChaiXia had only 30++ . Scary ... ? Happy ... ? Not really ... kinda scared . Bad experiences has left painful lesions in my memory ... embedded inside ... deep in .
I beseeched myself really not to think about it anymore . But ... i think about it everytime i tell myself not to . So , i should just really stop thinking about anything about it at all ... ? Dun ever remind me of anything like that ... including schools , music , teachers , people , orchestras or anything ... its impossible ... so , better not think about anything ... Brain wash me please ...
Reciprocating ... ? Think it is ... It hurts , its painful . I know , so stop it . I know how it feels now ... Do unto others what u want others to do unto u . Many might not get the full impact of this sentence ... some think its vindictive ... some treat it as revenge ... actually its neither . If everyone get the wrong definition of that statement , it'll be a chaotic world . Like it isnt now ... ?
Sigh ...
I complained ... Everytime when my Mom's in town , i'll not be spared from the clutchs of temptation , food . Scary ... Its not that i cant eat , i can , its that i try to stop myself from eating too much . But , usually i would fall for it . Gargantuan meals , im used to it . Its all Mom's fault , partially actually , when i was younger , she fed me with something , some medicine . She thought i might not eat well and stuff ... Now the consequences show , doesnt it ?
So cooling ... i finally opened my window . My room window was shut for at least half a year ... ? I dun like to let air in ... But , today was different . Its about to becoma a sauna . Now its just so cooling ... better than air-con . I cannot sleep in this kinda condition , i'll start to itch , rashes . It was very serious when i was younger , real big patches . Had to use white vinegar to cool myself .
Im really hungry now ... Im going Chinatown again later , like yesterday . Hope i can buy another CD .
Managed to complete another Concerto , Bagpipe Concerto . It sounded too oriental though ... but i think i managed to capture the flavour of the bagpipe .
Strange ... 147 viewed my friendster profile since 12 Jan . So many ... ? Jasmine and ChaiXia had only 30++ . Scary ... ? Happy ... ? Not really ... kinda scared . Bad experiences has left painful lesions in my memory ... embedded inside ... deep in .
I beseeched myself really not to think about it anymore . But ... i think about it everytime i tell myself not to . So , i should just really stop thinking about anything about it at all ... ? Dun ever remind me of anything like that ... including schools , music , teachers , people , orchestras or anything ... its impossible ... so , better not think about anything ... Brain wash me please ...
Reciprocating ... ? Think it is ... It hurts , its painful . I know , so stop it . I know how it feels now ... Do unto others what u want others to do unto u . Many might not get the full impact of this sentence ... some think its vindictive ... some treat it as revenge ... actually its neither . If everyone get the wrong definition of that statement , it'll be a chaotic world . Like it isnt now ... ?
Sigh ...
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Lackadaisical
Went to eat downstair today ... with my uncle ...
I managed to complete the Piccolo Concerto which i started late last night . It wasnt as bad as the Cello Concerto ...
Took dinner at Baba's . My grandma , mom and i didnt know where to eat , so i suggested Baba's . I was so full that i had to go for a walk just outside the restaurant . I ended up playing with a Huskie . It was so adorable ... totally beautiful . Too bad ChaiXia wasnt there ...
Went Chinatown to shop ... but i ended buying only one CD , Alicia Keys . I love her songs , its somehow more towards the dark dark side ... ? Dun really know how to explain ... its all about love , and expressing it in different ways . Im so proud of my aunties , 5 of them , they own different Nasi Lemak stalls all over Singapore . The best is still Punggol Nasi Lemak , if anyone who never heard of it , should deserve death . Well , not really that exaggerating ... Just a normal stall with people queueing from the time they open till they close . Just appearing on the newspaper for recommended food . Just long long queues ...
I will always remain an enigma to myself . Nobody would wanna know me because of me lachrymose disposition ... ? No , it just never show ...
I like my hairband alot . Its nice , its helpful ...
I managed to complete the Piccolo Concerto which i started late last night . It wasnt as bad as the Cello Concerto ...
Took dinner at Baba's . My grandma , mom and i didnt know where to eat , so i suggested Baba's . I was so full that i had to go for a walk just outside the restaurant . I ended up playing with a Huskie . It was so adorable ... totally beautiful . Too bad ChaiXia wasnt there ...
Went Chinatown to shop ... but i ended buying only one CD , Alicia Keys . I love her songs , its somehow more towards the dark dark side ... ? Dun really know how to explain ... its all about love , and expressing it in different ways . Im so proud of my aunties , 5 of them , they own different Nasi Lemak stalls all over Singapore . The best is still Punggol Nasi Lemak , if anyone who never heard of it , should deserve death . Well , not really that exaggerating ... Just a normal stall with people queueing from the time they open till they close . Just appearing on the newspaper for recommended food . Just long long queues ...
I will always remain an enigma to myself . Nobody would wanna know me because of me lachrymose disposition ... ? No , it just never show ...
I like my hairband alot . Its nice , its helpful ...
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Forever Means For Ever ?
I gained weight ... U think i care ? Yes i do ...
A simple answer ' No ' just keep ringing in my head . One simple word , could mean a thousand . I dun understand ... please elucidate ... Why am i so enamoured by that creature ? I dunno ... guilt ... ? Maybe ... i need time .
Had a performance at Fullerton Hotel . Some people invited us there to perform , of course i get paid . It was ... horrible ... ? It was quite badly done , to me . Everything was so messy ... the communication wasnt that clear too . At least the song i wrote , ' If ' , was dedicated to the newly weds . We took cab back to the CC . The totaly fare , including the trip there , was about ... $25+ . Scary ... Poor YiLeng , she got kinda badly injured . The YangQin fell and it got her right foot . FuKang , WeiMing and i were busy looking for the First-Aid box . We didnt know what to do ... We took all the bandages and wrapped it all around . FuKang is a real funny guy . I can see the inner child within . I just envy how he can be so active and carefree sometimes . FuKang really made us vomit blood ... We missed so many cabs ...
I was walking home , when Sharon messaged me . She got me thinking ... now , im kinda in a bad mood . Dun really wanna talk abt it . Hate ? Love ? Its both ? Guess its called stupidity . Equivocal thinking ... ? Euthanasia for me ... ? Yes i do need it ...
If anything , whateva it could be , that affects friendship or relationship is gonna happen again , i swear it'll be the last straw on my back . Exonerate me from all blame , from all this troubles . Trouble wont trouble me if i trouble trouble ... ? No , guess i trouble myself with troubles that i dun wanna trouble at all .
Guess i really need a break , i need a break ...
A simple answer ' No ' just keep ringing in my head . One simple word , could mean a thousand . I dun understand ... please elucidate ... Why am i so enamoured by that creature ? I dunno ... guilt ... ? Maybe ... i need time .
Had a performance at Fullerton Hotel . Some people invited us there to perform , of course i get paid . It was ... horrible ... ? It was quite badly done , to me . Everything was so messy ... the communication wasnt that clear too . At least the song i wrote , ' If ' , was dedicated to the newly weds . We took cab back to the CC . The totaly fare , including the trip there , was about ... $25+ . Scary ... Poor YiLeng , she got kinda badly injured . The YangQin fell and it got her right foot . FuKang , WeiMing and i were busy looking for the First-Aid box . We didnt know what to do ... We took all the bandages and wrapped it all around . FuKang is a real funny guy . I can see the inner child within . I just envy how he can be so active and carefree sometimes . FuKang really made us vomit blood ... We missed so many cabs ...
I was walking home , when Sharon messaged me . She got me thinking ... now , im kinda in a bad mood . Dun really wanna talk abt it . Hate ? Love ? Its both ? Guess its called stupidity . Equivocal thinking ... ? Euthanasia for me ... ? Yes i do need it ...
If anything , whateva it could be , that affects friendship or relationship is gonna happen again , i swear it'll be the last straw on my back . Exonerate me from all blame , from all this troubles . Trouble wont trouble me if i trouble trouble ... ? No , guess i trouble myself with troubles that i dun wanna trouble at all .
Guess i really need a break , i need a break ...
Monday, January 24, 2005
Denial , Repudiation
Had breakfast with CuiLing , Kenny and Charmaine . We booked out quite early in the morning ...
The porridge was horrible ... My black pants was kinda loose ... the button came out , i managed to survive on the zip alone for quite a period . However , last night it started to go real loose . I had to hold my pants and walk ...
I hate low batteries . My handphone was low on batt , so i had to go over to Kenny's to charge . CuiLing and Kenny practiced for the SYCO practice tonight . CuiLing hurt her toe , what an excuse ...
SYCO practice was kinda scary ... so many Pipa , yet no sound . I went to the practice tonight , actually to eat with Kenny , WanYin and Charmaine after that . But i was there to actually talk to XinTian about some performances too . The standard really dropped alot , from what i heard from WeiFeng .
Some people just hate me , and think that Im there for them , or to get them , or to ' disturb ' them . Well , i dun really care anymore . Ive many other things to do now , its a little late for anything now , so dun dream , its over .
I believe my fervent prayers will never come true . Its inevitable . Acquiesce my apology ... ? Never . Think I'll have to defer a dream ... ? Adjourn my destiny ... ? Guess they'll just never condone such behaviours i have in their friends . Feeling contrite ... ? Guess so ... ? To my chagrin , Ive been rejected over and over again . Guess its fate , like said , worse than being dead .
Rejection , why cant i just accept it ?
The porridge was horrible ... My black pants was kinda loose ... the button came out , i managed to survive on the zip alone for quite a period . However , last night it started to go real loose . I had to hold my pants and walk ...
I hate low batteries . My handphone was low on batt , so i had to go over to Kenny's to charge . CuiLing and Kenny practiced for the SYCO practice tonight . CuiLing hurt her toe , what an excuse ...
SYCO practice was kinda scary ... so many Pipa , yet no sound . I went to the practice tonight , actually to eat with Kenny , WanYin and Charmaine after that . But i was there to actually talk to XinTian about some performances too . The standard really dropped alot , from what i heard from WeiFeng .
Some people just hate me , and think that Im there for them , or to get them , or to ' disturb ' them . Well , i dun really care anymore . Ive many other things to do now , its a little late for anything now , so dun dream , its over .
I believe my fervent prayers will never come true . Its inevitable . Acquiesce my apology ... ? Never . Think I'll have to defer a dream ... ? Adjourn my destiny ... ? Guess they'll just never condone such behaviours i have in their friends . Feeling contrite ... ? Guess so ... ? To my chagrin , Ive been rejected over and over again . Guess its fate , like said , worse than being dead .
Rejection , why cant i just accept it ?
Sunday, January 23, 2005
My Last Of Everything Else
Playing the game of life with myself again . Its me , the judge , the culprit , the criminal . I get myself into different things ... different problems ... Like a well so deep , only a fool would fall on his own accord .
Totally felt ignored . It doesnt apply to some people , only to those who i recognise . I try to please them ... ? But hate is still hate after a day or a year . I really hope it'll just fade away like of those memories that one would forget . But , it might be better this way ... so , now i can carry out my plans without needing to concern or worry about other's welfare . My decisions are made long ago ... The only reason why its not carried out is because of people around me ... They're affecting my decisions , my plans . Ive thought for a moment , it hit me that its not what Ive always wanted . But , now i do realise that all Ive always wanted was not for me ... ? I cant get things i want , while things i dun really want just gets to me like its for free .
Its totally impossible to find someone who u love to love u . But , its not impossible to be that special someone for that someone else . Ive failed . Hoping a chance not to repeat my mistakes . But its all too late for whatever i do . The perfect love in this world is to love and to be loved in return . Sadness shadowed over ... But im all used to it , like a curtain over my life . Save me ? Its all that i deserve ... Spell it ' retribution ' . My life is all filled with myself ...
Concert was finally over , my solos were all nightmares ... Traumatic ... But now its over , guess i dun need to worry about it anymore . Throughout the concert , my focus was somewhere else . I kinda felt more relaxed than practices . Think Ive passed the ' test ' . Hope I-Dec enjoyed himself ... ? Great ...
After that i was supposed to go back to Cheng San CC , but Kenny , Charmaine and i took a cab to CuiLing's chalet , again . She specially booked one night for us , because we had a concert so we couldnt stay ... who knows ... i slept there yesterday already ... i was drunk ... thats why ... Victor still forced me to drink even after that incident yesterday ... I took 2 shots , and im already half dead ... I dunno what happened ... think i really fell asleep ...
Im drunk again ... ? Didnt i swore that i wont drink again ? Promises are always meant for breaking , arent they ?
Sorry , i had no more time to wait . Its affecting everything ... though even if ur decision would change , and i would happily accept , it would change many things . So i really hope theres still a chance for friendship .
The fellowship is breaking , one by one ...
Totally felt ignored . It doesnt apply to some people , only to those who i recognise . I try to please them ... ? But hate is still hate after a day or a year . I really hope it'll just fade away like of those memories that one would forget . But , it might be better this way ... so , now i can carry out my plans without needing to concern or worry about other's welfare . My decisions are made long ago ... The only reason why its not carried out is because of people around me ... They're affecting my decisions , my plans . Ive thought for a moment , it hit me that its not what Ive always wanted . But , now i do realise that all Ive always wanted was not for me ... ? I cant get things i want , while things i dun really want just gets to me like its for free .
Its totally impossible to find someone who u love to love u . But , its not impossible to be that special someone for that someone else . Ive failed . Hoping a chance not to repeat my mistakes . But its all too late for whatever i do . The perfect love in this world is to love and to be loved in return . Sadness shadowed over ... But im all used to it , like a curtain over my life . Save me ? Its all that i deserve ... Spell it ' retribution ' . My life is all filled with myself ...
Concert was finally over , my solos were all nightmares ... Traumatic ... But now its over , guess i dun need to worry about it anymore . Throughout the concert , my focus was somewhere else . I kinda felt more relaxed than practices . Think Ive passed the ' test ' . Hope I-Dec enjoyed himself ... ? Great ...
After that i was supposed to go back to Cheng San CC , but Kenny , Charmaine and i took a cab to CuiLing's chalet , again . She specially booked one night for us , because we had a concert so we couldnt stay ... who knows ... i slept there yesterday already ... i was drunk ... thats why ... Victor still forced me to drink even after that incident yesterday ... I took 2 shots , and im already half dead ... I dunno what happened ... think i really fell asleep ...
Im drunk again ... ? Didnt i swore that i wont drink again ? Promises are always meant for breaking , arent they ?
Sorry , i had no more time to wait . Its affecting everything ... though even if ur decision would change , and i would happily accept , it would change many things . So i really hope theres still a chance for friendship .
The fellowship is breaking , one by one ...
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Hang Over Of My Mistakes
Today after practice , im supposed to go to Jasmine's place to finish up on the Lord of the Rings part 2 . Well , it was CuiLing's birthday as well . I'll reckon that a birthday is more important ... Its a once in a year thing for everybody ... since im invited , i should attend the party ... shouldnt i ? Though it was somehow last minute , i still think that its still the right thing to do ...
Im feeling queer . It shadowed over since the beginning of that moment . My feelings are contradicting to what i thought it would be . I really dunno the person inside me ... Why bother that things are left in this state ? Isit meant to be ? Worse than fate ? I need something to bring away this loneliness ... Its killing me , boring me to death . Im feeling that hunger ... that thirst ... When will all these end ? Like fairy tales ? Ten or a thousand years ? Now i might just describe the thug on my heart as a pulling force ... I want , i need , something stronger or something to be there to watch over me , to stand by my side till the end of time ... My friends are friends of my enemies . My connections with my enemies are close ... so close ... too dangerous ... I must watch my tongue . Some people might just hate me ... Im trying hard to settle quarrels ... Its just never ending . Like waves that rises after every fall .
People at the party are strangers to my eyes . But im kinda surprised how welcoming they can be . Totally of not what Ive expected ... People were smoking and drinking though . I ate little ... Jonathan was there , stupid Kenny didnt tell me .
CuiLing's boyfriend is such a nice guy . Totally sweet . They looked kinda adorable together . They were busy serving their guests and entertaining friends and stuff ... I was just lazing around talking and listening ...
Wonder if im lucky or what . We played the " secret number " game ... out of ten games , i lost at least 8 . I was damn lucky , like a star of the game . Though ive won the ' bluff ' game , its my specialty , i still cant imagine how i keep getting the right numbers . The forfeit was simple , just drink alcohol . Not mere alcohol ... some kinda stupid alcohol with milk ... ? Then there was volka as well ... kinda strong stuff for me . I dun usually drink ... so i got kinda drunk easily after a few games . My face was burning hot , glowing red . In the end , everybody got kinda scared that i drank a little too much ... they were willing to share the load . People were asking , " Are u ok ? Can u manage ... ? " They were all looking frightened at the way im losing the game and taking in so much alcohol . I wasnt drunk , thats what i told them , nobody believed me ... My head started to feel the hit . They didnt allowed me to play in the end ... i became the game master .
I was too tired and drunk ... they left me at the place . They went home . I slept over at the chalet . The hung over got me hard . I vomitted quite alot ... Poor Victor had to clean the toilet up . Not just me , many were drunk too ... to some kinda extreme ... I choked the sink . Some vomitted in the toilet bowl , smart . I cant get to sleep ... though how sleepy i was . My head hurts , i felt like puking ...
Swear i wont drink that much anymore .
The girl who slept beside me drank a little more than i did , she vomitted , she talked nonsense , and she cant sleep . While i was sleeping , i unbuttoned my first few buttons , it was kinda stuffy inside . The girl beside me hugged me to sleep , she got her laps over mine's . Another girl was crying like crazy ... she threw bottles and sweared worst than my school mates . It was kinda funny how those people there were ... cant imagine more ...
Now im home , safe and sound . I took a bus at 6:15 am ... Kinda tired .... but theres just no time for sleep . ive to be prepared by 9 just to be sure that i'll reach Geylang at 10 ... Performance is coming up ... stressing ...
Im feeling queer . It shadowed over since the beginning of that moment . My feelings are contradicting to what i thought it would be . I really dunno the person inside me ... Why bother that things are left in this state ? Isit meant to be ? Worse than fate ? I need something to bring away this loneliness ... Its killing me , boring me to death . Im feeling that hunger ... that thirst ... When will all these end ? Like fairy tales ? Ten or a thousand years ? Now i might just describe the thug on my heart as a pulling force ... I want , i need , something stronger or something to be there to watch over me , to stand by my side till the end of time ... My friends are friends of my enemies . My connections with my enemies are close ... so close ... too dangerous ... I must watch my tongue . Some people might just hate me ... Im trying hard to settle quarrels ... Its just never ending . Like waves that rises after every fall .
People at the party are strangers to my eyes . But im kinda surprised how welcoming they can be . Totally of not what Ive expected ... People were smoking and drinking though . I ate little ... Jonathan was there , stupid Kenny didnt tell me .
CuiLing's boyfriend is such a nice guy . Totally sweet . They looked kinda adorable together . They were busy serving their guests and entertaining friends and stuff ... I was just lazing around talking and listening ...
Wonder if im lucky or what . We played the " secret number " game ... out of ten games , i lost at least 8 . I was damn lucky , like a star of the game . Though ive won the ' bluff ' game , its my specialty , i still cant imagine how i keep getting the right numbers . The forfeit was simple , just drink alcohol . Not mere alcohol ... some kinda stupid alcohol with milk ... ? Then there was volka as well ... kinda strong stuff for me . I dun usually drink ... so i got kinda drunk easily after a few games . My face was burning hot , glowing red . In the end , everybody got kinda scared that i drank a little too much ... they were willing to share the load . People were asking , " Are u ok ? Can u manage ... ? " They were all looking frightened at the way im losing the game and taking in so much alcohol . I wasnt drunk , thats what i told them , nobody believed me ... My head started to feel the hit . They didnt allowed me to play in the end ... i became the game master .
I was too tired and drunk ... they left me at the place . They went home . I slept over at the chalet . The hung over got me hard . I vomitted quite alot ... Poor Victor had to clean the toilet up . Not just me , many were drunk too ... to some kinda extreme ... I choked the sink . Some vomitted in the toilet bowl , smart . I cant get to sleep ... though how sleepy i was . My head hurts , i felt like puking ...
Swear i wont drink that much anymore .
The girl who slept beside me drank a little more than i did , she vomitted , she talked nonsense , and she cant sleep . While i was sleeping , i unbuttoned my first few buttons , it was kinda stuffy inside . The girl beside me hugged me to sleep , she got her laps over mine's . Another girl was crying like crazy ... she threw bottles and sweared worst than my school mates . It was kinda funny how those people there were ... cant imagine more ...
Now im home , safe and sound . I took a bus at 6:15 am ... Kinda tired .... but theres just no time for sleep . ive to be prepared by 9 just to be sure that i'll reach Geylang at 10 ... Performance is coming up ... stressing ...
Friday, January 21, 2005
It'll Never Show The You I've Come to Know
I felt so abashed of what im doing . Though how much it has abated , i can still feel its hunger inside . The fury is still burning ... I do abhor people who constantly try to put others in a bad light . But what am i doing ? Arent i just one of those people i hate . I feel like a stranger . Do i really know myself , sometimes i might question . Guess i dun ... Absolve me from everything ...
Sometimes , my jokes may seem reality to some . I'd rather hurt others honestly than to mislead them with a lie . Might make them wonder what i am , whats the real thing inside . I might think deep , plotting plans and making moves inside my brain . But on the outside , it might not show at all . I may be deemed as dangerous . Falsifying the truth , distorting the facts . Adept at that ... ? I might fabricate things just to hide from some other , but i just have to . Think i just have to have the gumption to face the day to day problems and not look for escapism . Vindictive ... ? I dunno , i tell myself not to be , but i might be shaped due to the things i feel . I felt piqued . I felt leftout . I felt hurt . I felt insulted . I felt jealousy . I felt pain . All these are adversaries to my life ? Or have i befriend them ?
Retribution , im feeling its clutches again . Its horrible . I detest it . Some people might think differently , coz its the way i treat them . I use canny means of methods to get things done ... ? i inflict psychological fear ... ? I attack with my brain ... ? I always think that people out there are doing that . Never to expect that im the actual one doing all these . How i wish i can run away from all these with celerity of a leopard . Nothing to cease me , no restrictions .
Do i feel valiant of what i've done ? Do i feel a great sense of achievement ? No , i feel embarrassment .
My love for life is running dry . Just pour on me , that someone . If the world should stop revolving and spinning slowly down to die , i wanna spend the end with somone till the world is through . Then one by one , the stars would all go out . Then we could just simply fly away ...
I do take things for granted ... ? Im missing things i lost more than i used to . And now , where am i gonna find comfort ? God knows . Things just leave me when i need them most .
So mant nights , I'd just sit by my window , waiting for someone to sing me that song . So many dreams i kept down inside me , nightmares ? Or reality ?
I stayed at home for the whole day . Ive managed to finish up on the last bits of ' If ' . I thought once or twice whether to write more . But im just too lazy ... ? I didnt write anymore . I rotted away . Though how little things may happen today . Deep inside , its on a factor of five . My thoughts , a scourge ?
Gonna catch Cruel Intensions 2 later at 10 on AXN . Though its a show with lots of sex and stuff . I find it touching ... ?
Verbosity ? I just wanna express in words . I hate repeating myself . Im too lazy to talk as well . Im not laconic . I like to be long-winded . Call this a lexicon ...
Sometimes , my jokes may seem reality to some . I'd rather hurt others honestly than to mislead them with a lie . Might make them wonder what i am , whats the real thing inside . I might think deep , plotting plans and making moves inside my brain . But on the outside , it might not show at all . I may be deemed as dangerous . Falsifying the truth , distorting the facts . Adept at that ... ? I might fabricate things just to hide from some other , but i just have to . Think i just have to have the gumption to face the day to day problems and not look for escapism . Vindictive ... ? I dunno , i tell myself not to be , but i might be shaped due to the things i feel . I felt piqued . I felt leftout . I felt hurt . I felt insulted . I felt jealousy . I felt pain . All these are adversaries to my life ? Or have i befriend them ?
Retribution , im feeling its clutches again . Its horrible . I detest it . Some people might think differently , coz its the way i treat them . I use canny means of methods to get things done ... ? i inflict psychological fear ... ? I attack with my brain ... ? I always think that people out there are doing that . Never to expect that im the actual one doing all these . How i wish i can run away from all these with celerity of a leopard . Nothing to cease me , no restrictions .
Do i feel valiant of what i've done ? Do i feel a great sense of achievement ? No , i feel embarrassment .
My love for life is running dry . Just pour on me , that someone . If the world should stop revolving and spinning slowly down to die , i wanna spend the end with somone till the world is through . Then one by one , the stars would all go out . Then we could just simply fly away ...
I do take things for granted ... ? Im missing things i lost more than i used to . And now , where am i gonna find comfort ? God knows . Things just leave me when i need them most .
So mant nights , I'd just sit by my window , waiting for someone to sing me that song . So many dreams i kept down inside me , nightmares ? Or reality ?
I stayed at home for the whole day . Ive managed to finish up on the last bits of ' If ' . I thought once or twice whether to write more . But im just too lazy ... ? I didnt write anymore . I rotted away . Though how little things may happen today . Deep inside , its on a factor of five . My thoughts , a scourge ?
Gonna catch Cruel Intensions 2 later at 10 on AXN . Though its a show with lots of sex and stuff . I find it touching ... ?
Verbosity ? I just wanna express in words . I hate repeating myself . Im too lazy to talk as well . Im not laconic . I like to be long-winded . Call this a lexicon ...
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Slumber
I didnt play till 8 , Birdy did . I played till 11 , till Sherwin knock off . My eyelids were getting a little heavy at abt 9 . Amazing how i managed to play through the night . Too bad Elliot got caught by his Mom when he was sneaking out . His Mom went to the bus- stop and caught him there . What a family ... Basically , Elliot's Mom thinks that Elliot is an angel while we , the devils , are tempting him out to play LAN . Did i get that wrong or what ... ? Elliot , an angel ... ?
Sherwin got his pay , so we went to some back to get the cash or something . We queued for 20 mins . When it was our turn , we found out that we're at the wrong bank . Guess we're too tired ... Sherwin didnt charge me for the LAN at all ... Matthew's gonna be so jealous if he hears that ... Birdy paid like $15+ . Sherwin such a nice guy . Though sometimes how unwilling he may be , he'll never reject u , but only gives some stupid excuses . U can tell when he's lying , his face is kinda showing it . Funny ...
Went to Baba after dropping Sherwin at Nanyang Poly . He and the other gang are going to the open-house . I went to Baba and ate the same thing as yesterday . Kinda scary , but totally pleasing ... I was damn tired . I went home and lied on bed straight and fell into a long slumber ...
When i woke up , its already like now , 10pm . Guess my wish came true ... ? Im preoccupied . I didnt have much time to think of nonsense . So ... thats it . Wednesday to Thursday of fun . Think im gonna change the song in my blog ... I still havent completed the songs for the small ensemble ...
Sherwin got his pay , so we went to some back to get the cash or something . We queued for 20 mins . When it was our turn , we found out that we're at the wrong bank . Guess we're too tired ... Sherwin didnt charge me for the LAN at all ... Matthew's gonna be so jealous if he hears that ... Birdy paid like $15+ . Sherwin such a nice guy . Though sometimes how unwilling he may be , he'll never reject u , but only gives some stupid excuses . U can tell when he's lying , his face is kinda showing it . Funny ...
Went to Baba after dropping Sherwin at Nanyang Poly . He and the other gang are going to the open-house . I went to Baba and ate the same thing as yesterday . Kinda scary , but totally pleasing ... I was damn tired . I went home and lied on bed straight and fell into a long slumber ...
When i woke up , its already like now , 10pm . Guess my wish came true ... ? Im preoccupied . I didnt have much time to think of nonsense . So ... thats it . Wednesday to Thursday of fun . Think im gonna change the song in my blog ... I still havent completed the songs for the small ensemble ...
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Somnolent Night
I went to Baba's for lunch today . Yesterday was a bit too salty . Today was fine . We tried some other new dishes . What can i say , excellent ... ?
Teacher requested a song yesterday night . He asked whether i know the song ' If ' . Of course i know that song . Its one of my favourites . But how am i supposed to write that ? i managed only to write the verses , the chorus is kinda hard . YangQin scores are always the main problem to everything ... I dun really know how to write ErHu scores too ... but its kinda ok ... i hope ...
I gave up . I went out to IKEA with WeiFeng . He asked me out . But , he didnt really wanna go there , he wanted to go Bugis . I ate Curry Rice , it was today's local special . Im obsessed with curry ... Infatuation ... ? He wanted to buy stuffs , but i was nagging at him whole day . I told him that IKEA's products are special , coz they makes u think that u might need them , but in reality , u dun . IKEA's products spoil easily , thats why they have so many customers going back . In the end , he was kinda pissed and irritated , me too . So , he did not buy anything . We then went to some old shopping mall . It was kinda surprising what they're selling there . I must say that its better than Orchard ... ? Im gonna go there again next time . However , i was on my scheme of mini revenge , i was nagging here and there ... He did not buy anything either ... We ended up so tired , walking for more than 2 hours , doing nothing ... Literally rotting ...
I took bus to Woodlands then took MRT back to Yio Chu Kang . I was still early . I've made an appointment with Sherwin . Birdy , Sherwin and i are gonna play LAN from 12 midnight to morning 8 . It was Sherwin's night shift , he could charge a little cheaper . He promised to help me cheat a little .
So now im in the LAN shop ... busy playing stupid Enfo with YiChun . Met him at Cyberdom ... didnt expect to see him there . I wanna play Dota ... Im owned like crazy ...
Teacher requested a song yesterday night . He asked whether i know the song ' If ' . Of course i know that song . Its one of my favourites . But how am i supposed to write that ? i managed only to write the verses , the chorus is kinda hard . YangQin scores are always the main problem to everything ... I dun really know how to write ErHu scores too ... but its kinda ok ... i hope ...
I gave up . I went out to IKEA with WeiFeng . He asked me out . But , he didnt really wanna go there , he wanted to go Bugis . I ate Curry Rice , it was today's local special . Im obsessed with curry ... Infatuation ... ? He wanted to buy stuffs , but i was nagging at him whole day . I told him that IKEA's products are special , coz they makes u think that u might need them , but in reality , u dun . IKEA's products spoil easily , thats why they have so many customers going back . In the end , he was kinda pissed and irritated , me too . So , he did not buy anything . We then went to some old shopping mall . It was kinda surprising what they're selling there . I must say that its better than Orchard ... ? Im gonna go there again next time . However , i was on my scheme of mini revenge , i was nagging here and there ... He did not buy anything either ... We ended up so tired , walking for more than 2 hours , doing nothing ... Literally rotting ...
I took bus to Woodlands then took MRT back to Yio Chu Kang . I was still early . I've made an appointment with Sherwin . Birdy , Sherwin and i are gonna play LAN from 12 midnight to morning 8 . It was Sherwin's night shift , he could charge a little cheaper . He promised to help me cheat a little .
So now im in the LAN shop ... busy playing stupid Enfo with YiChun . Met him at Cyberdom ... didnt expect to see him there . I wanna play Dota ... Im owned like crazy ...
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Professional Skivvy
Today was an unfavourable day . Totally unlucky . It was disastrous . I played LAN with YiDe , Augustus and Lucien . I lost thoughout and worst still ... when i was walking towards Dhoby Ghaut MRT , a human king-kong stepped on my slipper . He spoiled my slipper , and spoiled my day . I was walking with one slipper on and baring the other . I was the centre of attraction ... I had no choice , but to call my uncle to fetch me up . Actually thought i might be able to go catch a movie or something ...
Its starting to irritate my ears . Gossips ... Rumours ... Its all dangerous weapons . The tongue of man is as sharp as a knife . A slit may cause severe harm . Its all getting back to me . I should have known ... Well , i think i know who said all that nonsense about me . Its definitely those misers . If i find proof or evidence , that little beast is gonna get it from me . Other than ruining other's life , what else can they do ? Other than keeping their mouths shut , what else good can they do ? The best is that they die .
Finally i managed to put a song into my blog . I was looking for something nice ... couldnt find songs that i wanted ... like ... I believe in you , by Amanda Marshalls , Angels , by Sarah McLachlan , I Started A Joke , by the BeeGees , Angels , by Robbie Williams , and so on ... i only found this ... Vincent ( Starry Starry Night ) , by Josh Groban . This song has many details and some history behind it . I find it kinda nice .
Im completing my Suona Concerto . Its kinda long-winded ...
I heard a song on the radio today while i was in the bus . The repeated phrase was ... " If theres any justice in the world " . It was not bad . I liked that song . I was then wondering ... if theres a judge in any of us , maybe our conscience , what kinda crimes would we be guilty of ? Obviously , theres no justice in this world . If there was , it would be blind . Then , where is the real justice ? We would be judged after our deaths ? Thats kinda too late ... Fallacy ? My own imaginations ? Everyone is fallible , we are all humans , we do make mistakes . But what if its done upon knowing that its wrong ? Double penalty ... ? So what we know we did ? Larceny ... Arson ... Murder ... Rape ... Assault ... What is this world turning into , when the lawyer himself only find loop-holes in the law . I think people who study law , should first study themselves , and put themself to a charge if they know whateva they should or not do ... Acumen ... ?
The momentum of my life is getting slower . The propulsion is dead . The graph reads a straight line . I need a thrust . Maybe something to keep me going . Its the only explanation to the lethargy im feeling . The battery is going flat . Somebody please charge it up . Laquacious dosage needed .
My anger has abated . Temperamental ... ? Fast rising and recession limb ... ? Im tolerant , but when it gets saturated , it might give a blow so strong that one would not expect it from me .
I need a break ... though how contradicting when i said i needed something to keep me preoccupied . Ive no idea . I really need a break from other things . Thats why i need something to keep me preoccupied . Kinda complicating ...
Its starting to irritate my ears . Gossips ... Rumours ... Its all dangerous weapons . The tongue of man is as sharp as a knife . A slit may cause severe harm . Its all getting back to me . I should have known ... Well , i think i know who said all that nonsense about me . Its definitely those misers . If i find proof or evidence , that little beast is gonna get it from me . Other than ruining other's life , what else can they do ? Other than keeping their mouths shut , what else good can they do ? The best is that they die .
Finally i managed to put a song into my blog . I was looking for something nice ... couldnt find songs that i wanted ... like ... I believe in you , by Amanda Marshalls , Angels , by Sarah McLachlan , I Started A Joke , by the BeeGees , Angels , by Robbie Williams , and so on ... i only found this ... Vincent ( Starry Starry Night ) , by Josh Groban . This song has many details and some history behind it . I find it kinda nice .
Im completing my Suona Concerto . Its kinda long-winded ...
I heard a song on the radio today while i was in the bus . The repeated phrase was ... " If theres any justice in the world " . It was not bad . I liked that song . I was then wondering ... if theres a judge in any of us , maybe our conscience , what kinda crimes would we be guilty of ? Obviously , theres no justice in this world . If there was , it would be blind . Then , where is the real justice ? We would be judged after our deaths ? Thats kinda too late ... Fallacy ? My own imaginations ? Everyone is fallible , we are all humans , we do make mistakes . But what if its done upon knowing that its wrong ? Double penalty ... ? So what we know we did ? Larceny ... Arson ... Murder ... Rape ... Assault ... What is this world turning into , when the lawyer himself only find loop-holes in the law . I think people who study law , should first study themselves , and put themself to a charge if they know whateva they should or not do ... Acumen ... ?
The momentum of my life is getting slower . The propulsion is dead . The graph reads a straight line . I need a thrust . Maybe something to keep me going . Its the only explanation to the lethargy im feeling . The battery is going flat . Somebody please charge it up . Laquacious dosage needed .
My anger has abated . Temperamental ... ? Fast rising and recession limb ... ? Im tolerant , but when it gets saturated , it might give a blow so strong that one would not expect it from me .
I need a break ... though how contradicting when i said i needed something to keep me preoccupied . Ive no idea . I really need a break from other things . Thats why i need something to keep me preoccupied . Kinda complicating ...
Monday, January 17, 2005
Lost in Time
I was at home rotting . Other than Saturdays and Sundays , or maybe a little bit of Friday , I'll be nowhere but at home decomposing . My vicinity has nothing interesting ... This is the vogue of the holiday periods ... Sheer boredom .
I met up with Matthew and Sherwin for dinner . I was late , as usual . I had no idea why . I took a bus , from the bus stop near my house . It took 40 min to get to Ang Mo Kio Central ... ? I think i better focus on my time management . I feel sometimes , or most of the time , i cannot manage my time properly . Im always late , or either too early , never punctual . Guess its a habit . Its bad , bad , real bad . Abysmal ...
Time , i feel that its no longer in my dictionary . Its no longer useful to me . I dun find any meaning in it anymore . It left me long ago . It is the key , the gist , to all these arguments . Let time decide everything ... ?
Stress , such a heavy burden . It might be the last straw . Its like nails raining from above . Vehemently hitting my velvety skin . I cannot take any tirades or rebukes . I might just drop dead .
Im just aggravating ... am i ? Many might think i am . Pesky ... ? Well , if people dun want me to be , i can . It was boredom that forced me to .
Besotted ...
Im really walking aimlessly ... to that unsure destination . The where ...
I met up with Matthew and Sherwin for dinner . I was late , as usual . I had no idea why . I took a bus , from the bus stop near my house . It took 40 min to get to Ang Mo Kio Central ... ? I think i better focus on my time management . I feel sometimes , or most of the time , i cannot manage my time properly . Im always late , or either too early , never punctual . Guess its a habit . Its bad , bad , real bad . Abysmal ...
Time , i feel that its no longer in my dictionary . Its no longer useful to me . I dun find any meaning in it anymore . It left me long ago . It is the key , the gist , to all these arguments . Let time decide everything ... ?
Stress , such a heavy burden . It might be the last straw . Its like nails raining from above . Vehemently hitting my velvety skin . I cannot take any tirades or rebukes . I might just drop dead .
Im just aggravating ... am i ? Many might think i am . Pesky ... ? Well , if people dun want me to be , i can . It was boredom that forced me to .
Besotted ...
Im really walking aimlessly ... to that unsure destination . The where ...
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Vile It
I think im just lagging behind time . I cannot play properly . Its been 2 years since i last practiced . Im going to screw up , its imminent .
Watched some really boring stuff in Jasmine's house . It was like the worst kinda movie i would watch even if i were to die . Its not a movie actually . Its more like some history lecture .
I winced at the sight of my mistakes . The living proof , the living error i made . I felt kinda sad , ignoble for what I've done . But sometimes i just wonder , does it really deserve such treatment ? Or isit me ? Its toady , arm in arm with everybody and its just soring my eyes . I couldnt take it no more . I might have acted harshly , thinking through my brains . The consequences was what I've expected . Much was deemed retribution . Perpetrated of being the jealous twin ... ? Its a yahoo . I didnt mean to put its back up . But it turned its back upon me . Im on my back . Its glad to see my back . Its the caused of all these bad blood ? The bone of contention ... ? Now its flocking as the crow flies . Birds of a feather flocks together in unison . Vulpine craftiness ...
Some songs really served their purpose . Some are just totally preposterous , the lyrics mean nothing at all . Songs that really touched me are lyrical . The pulse , the movement , the feel , the mood , the words and the cadence really combust into something so meaningful and amazing .
At this stage of my life , im still exploring . Shouldnt i be settled ? Or isit my piscine curiosity ?
As i was in the lift , i was kinda affrightened . I was on the phone , but theres an indian man , around mid 30's , staring at me . I had no idea what it seemed like . But to me , i thought it might be a case of robbery ... ? I let the man walk in front of me , so as to make sure that he doesnt follow me . Decorous ... ? Just thinking on my feet .
I feel that somethings are just stopping me from doing what i wanna do . Things that meant me well ... ? I cant really make any decision on myself , can i ? Nothing i have is truly mine . My plans are made , to go on or to just end it , i believe this time , nothing can stop me from doing what i wanna do . All i hear now is a cacophony of hubbubs in my head . Its screeching , its unpleasant . Call me a knave , i dun take this position for nothing . People might think that its ludicrous , i think its the right thing to do . Theres no point at all to continue what im doing .
Religion . Isit a belief ? Or isit the truth ? I think its neither . Its just stories and folktales passed from the ancestors . People chooses to believe in it coz others do ... ? I'll define it as a different sets of morals and practices . People uses it to shape their own character and to learn and enlighten themselves in someway . It is a guide . For me , i lack one and i choose not to have one . I believe in my own thinkings , my own stories , my own ideas . It might be the reason why I've walked the wrong path for many years . Gratifying myself with my own lies ? Vilifying myself ... ? Though i might have offended many people of what i just said , i just hope they dun take it to heart , its just what i think , just a thought .
Sophisticated ...
Im a tractable creature ... ?
Watched some really boring stuff in Jasmine's house . It was like the worst kinda movie i would watch even if i were to die . Its not a movie actually . Its more like some history lecture .
I winced at the sight of my mistakes . The living proof , the living error i made . I felt kinda sad , ignoble for what I've done . But sometimes i just wonder , does it really deserve such treatment ? Or isit me ? Its toady , arm in arm with everybody and its just soring my eyes . I couldnt take it no more . I might have acted harshly , thinking through my brains . The consequences was what I've expected . Much was deemed retribution . Perpetrated of being the jealous twin ... ? Its a yahoo . I didnt mean to put its back up . But it turned its back upon me . Im on my back . Its glad to see my back . Its the caused of all these bad blood ? The bone of contention ... ? Now its flocking as the crow flies . Birds of a feather flocks together in unison . Vulpine craftiness ...
Some songs really served their purpose . Some are just totally preposterous , the lyrics mean nothing at all . Songs that really touched me are lyrical . The pulse , the movement , the feel , the mood , the words and the cadence really combust into something so meaningful and amazing .
At this stage of my life , im still exploring . Shouldnt i be settled ? Or isit my piscine curiosity ?
As i was in the lift , i was kinda affrightened . I was on the phone , but theres an indian man , around mid 30's , staring at me . I had no idea what it seemed like . But to me , i thought it might be a case of robbery ... ? I let the man walk in front of me , so as to make sure that he doesnt follow me . Decorous ... ? Just thinking on my feet .
I feel that somethings are just stopping me from doing what i wanna do . Things that meant me well ... ? I cant really make any decision on myself , can i ? Nothing i have is truly mine . My plans are made , to go on or to just end it , i believe this time , nothing can stop me from doing what i wanna do . All i hear now is a cacophony of hubbubs in my head . Its screeching , its unpleasant . Call me a knave , i dun take this position for nothing . People might think that its ludicrous , i think its the right thing to do . Theres no point at all to continue what im doing .
Religion . Isit a belief ? Or isit the truth ? I think its neither . Its just stories and folktales passed from the ancestors . People chooses to believe in it coz others do ... ? I'll define it as a different sets of morals and practices . People uses it to shape their own character and to learn and enlighten themselves in someway . It is a guide . For me , i lack one and i choose not to have one . I believe in my own thinkings , my own stories , my own ideas . It might be the reason why I've walked the wrong path for many years . Gratifying myself with my own lies ? Vilifying myself ... ? Though i might have offended many people of what i just said , i just hope they dun take it to heart , its just what i think , just a thought .
Sophisticated ...
Im a tractable creature ... ?
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Am I The Protagonist Of My Life ?
Arduous practices . The standard of the Pipa group isnt that good . Had a private practice with the Pipa group in the morning . I felt kinda outworn . Think theres not much time left to practice anyway ...
WeiLing came back from China , practiced together . Guess its kinda hard to side read those songs in one day , isnt it ? Many months ago , there was only me in the Pipa group , the others didnt attend practices . I managed to smoke through those songs ... Kinda stressing ...
Somethings are not meant to be said by words . I think they are meant to be delivered through actions . They speak louder than words . Somethings should not be explained . Should leave it to fate to how the others might think or react ... ? Must i listen to blethers and grievances of others ? I just hope somebody would be there to listen to mine . Hapless ... ?
Sometimes , its not the predicament that ur in that counts . Its the question why or how did it end up this way . Isit because of reasons like rejection ? Ive no choice . Ive made a wrong turn . Sometimes , the road ahead is a one way direction , there is no other way , but to go through it . Ive walked the wrong path ever since the beginning , its too late now , but to just keep walking on blindly . Though sometimes , the road is meant for two , I've been walking alone for ages . Intrepid ... ? Think im just too lonely . I may be fastidious at times . I understand .
Cajole ... ? Im not honest ... ? Malicious ... ? Im hostile and evil ... ? I may wonder if its really me , or am i putting up a front . Im a dunderhead ... Im callous ... ?
I cannot take my own drivels . I sometimes may tell myself to shut up . Maybe i talked too much of everything . That may be the reason why im in this kinda predicament . Might be my candour ... ?
I should exult , for bringing myself to this kinda state . its interesting . Elated ... ? Ecstatic ... ?
Think im just baleful for myself .
I wonder if somethings people say are true . They act as if they dun mean what they said . Totally a fake . Hypocrite ... ? Im not that kinda witty boy , but i can sense that its an act to entertain me ... ? Immutable ... ? Precarious people , place and surrounding . Am i really that abhorrent ? Why cant they tell me in the face ? I cant really trust anyone , can i ? A wry ... the joke is on me .
Though how immaculate some people may look , the ugliness inside will one day surface .
Somnolent ...
WeiLing came back from China , practiced together . Guess its kinda hard to side read those songs in one day , isnt it ? Many months ago , there was only me in the Pipa group , the others didnt attend practices . I managed to smoke through those songs ... Kinda stressing ...
Somethings are not meant to be said by words . I think they are meant to be delivered through actions . They speak louder than words . Somethings should not be explained . Should leave it to fate to how the others might think or react ... ? Must i listen to blethers and grievances of others ? I just hope somebody would be there to listen to mine . Hapless ... ?
Sometimes , its not the predicament that ur in that counts . Its the question why or how did it end up this way . Isit because of reasons like rejection ? Ive no choice . Ive made a wrong turn . Sometimes , the road ahead is a one way direction , there is no other way , but to go through it . Ive walked the wrong path ever since the beginning , its too late now , but to just keep walking on blindly . Though sometimes , the road is meant for two , I've been walking alone for ages . Intrepid ... ? Think im just too lonely . I may be fastidious at times . I understand .
Cajole ... ? Im not honest ... ? Malicious ... ? Im hostile and evil ... ? I may wonder if its really me , or am i putting up a front . Im a dunderhead ... Im callous ... ?
I cannot take my own drivels . I sometimes may tell myself to shut up . Maybe i talked too much of everything . That may be the reason why im in this kinda predicament . Might be my candour ... ?
I should exult , for bringing myself to this kinda state . its interesting . Elated ... ? Ecstatic ... ?
Think im just baleful for myself .
I wonder if somethings people say are true . They act as if they dun mean what they said . Totally a fake . Hypocrite ... ? Im not that kinda witty boy , but i can sense that its an act to entertain me ... ? Immutable ... ? Precarious people , place and surrounding . Am i really that abhorrent ? Why cant they tell me in the face ? I cant really trust anyone , can i ? A wry ... the joke is on me .
Though how immaculate some people may look , the ugliness inside will one day surface .
Somnolent ...
Friday, January 14, 2005
Life Itinerary
Stayed at home for the whole day . Only went out for dinner at around 7 with Sherwin and Matthew . Then after that , we went to the arcade . Matthew is like lily-livered . He said that some girls looked like Ah-Lian . Well , think they heard it . Poor Matt , he was watching out for their Ah-Beng boyfriends ...
More of relationship problems . Not mine , others . Really dun understand why things have to end up in such a manner . Isit the way things are dealt along the way , the process when the relationship , the bonds get embedded . Im not a prig , but i believe in this kinda bonds . They are very important to me . I wouldnt allow things like that to sour relationships , its broken in the end by the other party , though how much overboard i may be sometimes . I regret . i simper to all that ive reflected . Its too late to start again . Like a candle that has burnt out , the flame is doused , it shines no more light . Though the candle cannot start burning again , we still can start a new candle burning ... ? Pondering upon words like this . I wonder if its true . Life is like a river , it has many courses . At different stages , it has different features . Mine is a viscous flowing liquid . It has been hard , real tough . Strenuous ... ? Its getting me sleazy ... Vitriolic expression to life . Torpor ... ? Apathy ... ? Vagabond ... ? Nomadic ... ? Vagrantly moving on ... Yen of friendship . Abdicating ...
People around me are turning evil , or am i the one , blinded by my own's imagination . Its crazy , its wild . Adept at contemplating with so much depth ... ? Laconic ... ? Dun think so . Im not a lowbrow ... Definitely not . I just feel that people are leaving . Well , people come and go . Though how much i wished they can stay , its reality . Like a parchment , kindling in flame , im ruining myself , jeopardizing my life ... ? Im haughty ... ? Like said , im not a prig . To make friends , i've to be one too . Maybe im a little frigid . A little fiend , menace .
Impish thoughts , illicit ... Idiocy ...
Need a zizz out of this life . Doldrums ...
More of relationship problems . Not mine , others . Really dun understand why things have to end up in such a manner . Isit the way things are dealt along the way , the process when the relationship , the bonds get embedded . Im not a prig , but i believe in this kinda bonds . They are very important to me . I wouldnt allow things like that to sour relationships , its broken in the end by the other party , though how much overboard i may be sometimes . I regret . i simper to all that ive reflected . Its too late to start again . Like a candle that has burnt out , the flame is doused , it shines no more light . Though the candle cannot start burning again , we still can start a new candle burning ... ? Pondering upon words like this . I wonder if its true . Life is like a river , it has many courses . At different stages , it has different features . Mine is a viscous flowing liquid . It has been hard , real tough . Strenuous ... ? Its getting me sleazy ... Vitriolic expression to life . Torpor ... ? Apathy ... ? Vagabond ... ? Nomadic ... ? Vagrantly moving on ... Yen of friendship . Abdicating ...
People around me are turning evil , or am i the one , blinded by my own's imagination . Its crazy , its wild . Adept at contemplating with so much depth ... ? Laconic ... ? Dun think so . Im not a lowbrow ... Definitely not . I just feel that people are leaving . Well , people come and go . Though how much i wished they can stay , its reality . Like a parchment , kindling in flame , im ruining myself , jeopardizing my life ... ? Im haughty ... ? Like said , im not a prig . To make friends , i've to be one too . Maybe im a little frigid . A little fiend , menace .
Impish thoughts , illicit ... Idiocy ...
Need a zizz out of this life . Doldrums ...
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Paroxysm
Im giving up on the Cello Concerto im composing ... Its totally shoddy .
Meadow Evening however is one of the best that ive done so far ... i guess ... People were telling me how great it was or how funny it was ... Sounds like some RPG game music ... ?
I managed to camper through one week of torture , doesnt mean i'll wanna camper through the next ... I want to get out of this cell ! Let me out to play ...
Its really stressing to stay at home doing nothing ... TV programmes nowadays are so boring ... There's nothing to watch even with the SCV cable . All i did was to browse through every channel with the remote on the sofa ...Lugubrious scene eh ?
Mom cooked "ChapChye" , it was eccentric ... ? Gargantuan meal ... ? Think im gonna gain a few more pounds if i were to eat at this rate ... Temptation ... ? Allurement ... ?
Having people calling me a "bear" isnt that nice , is it ? Well , a "bear" means ... A rude , rough or ill-bred fellow . Im definitely not one ... am i ? Well ... a "bear-cat" might be fine . "bear-cat" means ... A person having exceptional power , strength , energy ... Im definitely not one too ... but i dun mind being one . I dunno abt rabbits ... but i do know abt rats , since they go under the same rodent family . A "rat" means ... One who deserts his party ; A renegade ; A turn-coat ; A strike-breaker ; One who works for less than recognised wages .
Ive transcribed some scores for CSCO . So stressing ... I didnt know which to pick ... So i wrote Greensleeves and I Started A Joke . A classic and a pop . Think its gonna turn out real bad ... coz im not sure how its gonna balance . Headache ...
Im real weird , now that i noticed ... or long ago ... Compared to others ... i might be a little alien . Ever wondered how i hugged a pillow to sleep ? How i hold a mouse ? How i eat at Seoul Garden ? How i write ? How i walk ? How i like to push others in front of me ? How i like to sit at the back of others ? How im not comfortable with people walking on the left side ? How i draw everything facing left ? Why i shake my leg ? How anti-social i may be ? Its premeditated ... ? I can preclude all these ... ?
Limbo . Entering it with no conscience . Impute it to me ... ? Precipitous edge , precipice . Vertigo . Striking me as i feel the pull .
Meadow Evening however is one of the best that ive done so far ... i guess ... People were telling me how great it was or how funny it was ... Sounds like some RPG game music ... ?
I managed to camper through one week of torture , doesnt mean i'll wanna camper through the next ... I want to get out of this cell ! Let me out to play ...
Its really stressing to stay at home doing nothing ... TV programmes nowadays are so boring ... There's nothing to watch even with the SCV cable . All i did was to browse through every channel with the remote on the sofa ...Lugubrious scene eh ?
Mom cooked "ChapChye" , it was eccentric ... ? Gargantuan meal ... ? Think im gonna gain a few more pounds if i were to eat at this rate ... Temptation ... ? Allurement ... ?
Having people calling me a "bear" isnt that nice , is it ? Well , a "bear" means ... A rude , rough or ill-bred fellow . Im definitely not one ... am i ? Well ... a "bear-cat" might be fine . "bear-cat" means ... A person having exceptional power , strength , energy ... Im definitely not one too ... but i dun mind being one . I dunno abt rabbits ... but i do know abt rats , since they go under the same rodent family . A "rat" means ... One who deserts his party ; A renegade ; A turn-coat ; A strike-breaker ; One who works for less than recognised wages .
Ive transcribed some scores for CSCO . So stressing ... I didnt know which to pick ... So i wrote Greensleeves and I Started A Joke . A classic and a pop . Think its gonna turn out real bad ... coz im not sure how its gonna balance . Headache ...
Im real weird , now that i noticed ... or long ago ... Compared to others ... i might be a little alien . Ever wondered how i hugged a pillow to sleep ? How i hold a mouse ? How i eat at Seoul Garden ? How i write ? How i walk ? How i like to push others in front of me ? How i like to sit at the back of others ? How im not comfortable with people walking on the left side ? How i draw everything facing left ? Why i shake my leg ? How anti-social i may be ? Its premeditated ... ? I can preclude all these ... ?
Limbo . Entering it with no conscience . Impute it to me ... ? Precipitous edge , precipice . Vertigo . Striking me as i feel the pull .
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Infection To Corruption , Computer To Mind ?
Ive got enough problems already ... Why cant we just end everything ? Technology is just an antonyms to trouble solving ... ? Im a computer idiot , i dunno much about computer jargons and software or hardware problems ... What i fear most are viruses and trojans ...
Like an infected sore , it needs some healing , or else it'll fester and rot . Need a vaccine to stop all these , to stop once and for all .
My computer is going down again , soon . Now its infected with some spywares , i really have no idea how my cousin uses it . Im so fed up , i feel like giving up and just throwing my computer out of the window ... Well , of course i wouldnt ... because ... there are people walking along the pavement downstairs ... If not , i'll definitely do so . Reformat the computer again ... ? Think so ... How i wish life could do the same , once you've made a mistake , just make an undo .
Am i a nonentity ? Im a misanthropist ... ? Misogamist ... ? Maybe , maybe not .
Send me to a reformatory . Ive done so much wrong in my whole life , its all that i should deserve . Inferno would be next as i proceed on to the next stage ... ? Or maybe a paradise , heaven , bliss of what ive always wish for ?
Should i go play LAN later ? If i were to go , i would be playing from 12am till dunno when ...
Im trying to save money now . Running short of cash . Though im not a prodigal , but i think i should spend it wisely . Maybe somehow more useful ... ?
Stayed at home for the whole day ... trying to delete some trojans , or find the locations of the corrupted files scanned by some unregistered programme . So stressful ... hope there's some kinda reset button . I'll be glad to press on it multiple times . Only problem is that ... I'll have to rename my 500 plus MIDIs ! I managed to name them all the previous time , but i've forgotten some of the sub-names . Stress , stress and stress ...
Im not some kinda cantankerous or barbarous creature . I'll only tackle my problems with hostility wheneva i need to . Its hard to control the inner devil , but it seldom surface , but when it does ... Its unimaginable ... ? Some might think ive an argumentative nature ... ? Well , i must admit i do have that kinda attitude when im pissed ... Well , im just a helpless little baby behind that masquerade .
Amorous me ...
Like an infected sore , it needs some healing , or else it'll fester and rot . Need a vaccine to stop all these , to stop once and for all .
My computer is going down again , soon . Now its infected with some spywares , i really have no idea how my cousin uses it . Im so fed up , i feel like giving up and just throwing my computer out of the window ... Well , of course i wouldnt ... because ... there are people walking along the pavement downstairs ... If not , i'll definitely do so . Reformat the computer again ... ? Think so ... How i wish life could do the same , once you've made a mistake , just make an undo .
Am i a nonentity ? Im a misanthropist ... ? Misogamist ... ? Maybe , maybe not .
Send me to a reformatory . Ive done so much wrong in my whole life , its all that i should deserve . Inferno would be next as i proceed on to the next stage ... ? Or maybe a paradise , heaven , bliss of what ive always wish for ?
Should i go play LAN later ? If i were to go , i would be playing from 12am till dunno when ...
Im trying to save money now . Running short of cash . Though im not a prodigal , but i think i should spend it wisely . Maybe somehow more useful ... ?
Stayed at home for the whole day ... trying to delete some trojans , or find the locations of the corrupted files scanned by some unregistered programme . So stressful ... hope there's some kinda reset button . I'll be glad to press on it multiple times . Only problem is that ... I'll have to rename my 500 plus MIDIs ! I managed to name them all the previous time , but i've forgotten some of the sub-names . Stress , stress and stress ...
Im not some kinda cantankerous or barbarous creature . I'll only tackle my problems with hostility wheneva i need to . Its hard to control the inner devil , but it seldom surface , but when it does ... Its unimaginable ... ? Some might think ive an argumentative nature ... ? Well , i must admit i do have that kinda attitude when im pissed ... Well , im just a helpless little baby behind that masquerade .
Amorous me ...
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Prolix Style ?
Another boring day ... done nothing ... totally nothing ...
Went to 3 Baba's in the noon . Its my favourite haunting spot i guess wheneva it comes to food ... No way can i ever find somewhere better than that .
Suppose to meet Matthew and Sherwin in Cyberdome at 4.30 ... but i was too lazy to go there ... i was at home rotting for the whole day ... But later im going to eat with them when they come back to AngMoKio ... Gonna eat the spaghetti set again ... though it sucks ... its cheap !
Been having backaches since Monday ... feeling kinda sick ... Asthenia ... ? Dun really feel like going out . Rotting at home is like a wont already ... ? My mind is trapped in an impasse , like there is no way any notion is feasible ... Deadlock ... ?
Just found out that Matthew played for free ... im so going to hate him ...
Nevermind ... back to the topic ...
Coup de grace ! Let it end all pain ...
Guess im inarticulate , its incurable . Maybe the only media which i can express myself through is ... things i write ? Music ? Art ?
Egersis ? Xeransis ? Insomnia ? Asthenia ? Aphsia ? Ahypnia ? Akatamathesia ? Definitely not Amusia or Agraphia ...
My thoughts are questionable ? Its probable . Not conceivable ? Its explicable . Please dun misunderstand my motives of whateva i might do . Its not mercenary , merely just the obvious .
Went to 3 Baba's in the noon . Its my favourite haunting spot i guess wheneva it comes to food ... No way can i ever find somewhere better than that .
Suppose to meet Matthew and Sherwin in Cyberdome at 4.30 ... but i was too lazy to go there ... i was at home rotting for the whole day ... But later im going to eat with them when they come back to AngMoKio ... Gonna eat the spaghetti set again ... though it sucks ... its cheap !
Been having backaches since Monday ... feeling kinda sick ... Asthenia ... ? Dun really feel like going out . Rotting at home is like a wont already ... ? My mind is trapped in an impasse , like there is no way any notion is feasible ... Deadlock ... ?
Just found out that Matthew played for free ... im so going to hate him ...
Nevermind ... back to the topic ...
Coup de grace ! Let it end all pain ...
Guess im inarticulate , its incurable . Maybe the only media which i can express myself through is ... things i write ? Music ? Art ?
Egersis ? Xeransis ? Insomnia ? Asthenia ? Aphsia ? Ahypnia ? Akatamathesia ? Definitely not Amusia or Agraphia ...
My thoughts are questionable ? Its probable . Not conceivable ? Its explicable . Please dun misunderstand my motives of whateva i might do . Its not mercenary , merely just the obvious .
Monday, January 10, 2005
Water To Advice ? Rather Drink Juice
Japanese food wasnt that bad ... just a stomachache in the end . Dinner wasnt that bad too ... but im feeling kinda queasy . Butterflies ? guess not ... just ghoulish .
Really boring .. really ... really ... today ... I did nothing .. i gain nothing ... i lost time . It'll never return . Its running short , soon its gone , but im just not using it right .
People might lecture me , i know what they're trying to say . People might advice me on whateva , but i know they meant me well . Im stubborn , im ignorant ... ? Im obstinate and just simply mulish ... A simpleton ? No , i think i just know whats right and wrong .. but just simply neglecting it . I shouldnt do this , i know . I should do that , i know . So what if i do ? I dun practice what i preach .
I composed a new song ! Everyone said it was average only ... Its called "Gildon's Symphony : Meadow Evening" . I thought it was great , so soothing ... Well , basically , its the kinda setting or atmosphere i wanna be in ... somewhere out there like that .
Everytime i hear myself playing ... i end up crying ... Weird eh ? Its a norm . I wont , unless i hear that song ... kinda touching ... ?
Really boring .. really ... really ... today ... I did nothing .. i gain nothing ... i lost time . It'll never return . Its running short , soon its gone , but im just not using it right .
People might lecture me , i know what they're trying to say . People might advice me on whateva , but i know they meant me well . Im stubborn , im ignorant ... ? Im obstinate and just simply mulish ... A simpleton ? No , i think i just know whats right and wrong .. but just simply neglecting it . I shouldnt do this , i know . I should do that , i know . So what if i do ? I dun practice what i preach .
I composed a new song ! Everyone said it was average only ... Its called "Gildon's Symphony : Meadow Evening" . I thought it was great , so soothing ... Well , basically , its the kinda setting or atmosphere i wanna be in ... somewhere out there like that .
Everytime i hear myself playing ... i end up crying ... Weird eh ? Its a norm . I wont , unless i hear that song ... kinda touching ... ?
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Findind Water In Rocks
Im so tired today ... so stressed up . The practices are draining my energy ... I feel so weak and jaded after each practices ... To make things worse , im down with a slight flu ... i guess ...
Last night , my computer revived after a month or two . It has been dead , and life at home was really killing . Boredom on the ceilings , ennui on the walls . I cannot escape from its clutches , it got me whereva i go . I need something to do ! How abt a job ...
I told myself once , i'll not be caught in between rocks or hard places . I refer that as something called relationship ... ? I cannot commit myself to something like that ... please ... let me go !
Guess its just another day , just somehow preoccupied ... Im Numb .
Last night , my computer revived after a month or two . It has been dead , and life at home was really killing . Boredom on the ceilings , ennui on the walls . I cannot escape from its clutches , it got me whereva i go . I need something to do ! How abt a job ...
I told myself once , i'll not be caught in between rocks or hard places . I refer that as something called relationship ... ? I cannot commit myself to something like that ... please ... let me go !
Guess its just another day , just somehow preoccupied ... Im Numb .
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Death Of My Mortal Soul
Its been a year ... or two ... or three ...
Im feeling so sick and tired of my days here . I wanna live somewhere different . Not that i wanna have a totally different surrounding or environment , but i just hate the way it is here in this devasting land . Its killing me , its driving me to my grave .
Entering into another state of depression ... Family problems ? Financial problems ? Relationship problems ? I just dunno which ... might be a farrago of all three ... ?
Im feeling a welter of both confusion and sadness ... Its interesting though Ive never felt like this before , but its just too much for me to handle ...
Im poised between a fall and a bottomless pit . Standing at an edge of a knife , i can definitely feel the pressure of the fall . Its eventual , i know . I dun think i'll be able to live through this year ...
If body is to life , then blood is to money . They dun matter to me no more . Im not under its spell , or its control . However , i just feel a need for its presence . Its not a craving , its a need , not a want .
Just wantonly campering through my last year . It might be the end , or it might be a miracle beginning ...
Im feeling so sick and tired of my days here . I wanna live somewhere different . Not that i wanna have a totally different surrounding or environment , but i just hate the way it is here in this devasting land . Its killing me , its driving me to my grave .
Entering into another state of depression ... Family problems ? Financial problems ? Relationship problems ? I just dunno which ... might be a farrago of all three ... ?
Im feeling a welter of both confusion and sadness ... Its interesting though Ive never felt like this before , but its just too much for me to handle ...
Im poised between a fall and a bottomless pit . Standing at an edge of a knife , i can definitely feel the pressure of the fall . Its eventual , i know . I dun think i'll be able to live through this year ...
If body is to life , then blood is to money . They dun matter to me no more . Im not under its spell , or its control . However , i just feel a need for its presence . Its not a craving , its a need , not a want .
Just wantonly campering through my last year . It might be the end , or it might be a miracle beginning ...
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