Molder

Every single person has their own distinctive character traits. In the army, there is an abundance to such examples that you can find. Trust me, you just cant imagine where to categorize some of these unique individuals. Im merely 4 weeks old in the army, and having running around from a Recruit, an OOT personnel to now a Scabbard Mess Boy, ive seen quite a few different bunch of working style and attitude towards their new employment, attachment or vocation. As for me now, im temporarily attached to the Scabbard Mess, which is like an annex place for the Officers in Ladang, Tekong. Im not sure whether im allowed to blog about this piece of information though. I just did, shit.

Anyways, enough of army. Lets talk about the interesting people ive met so far throughout my nomadic life in Tekong. Firstly, when i entered into the army, i have foreseen that my life would be cursed with a horrible buddy. To my surprise, i really am cursed! The first day i got in, i was alone, together with 2 other enlistees who came alone. A solitary loner, i withdrew myself from the crowd. They were busy breaking into small chatters. Thus, i sat aside from the rest. I was joined later by the other 2 enlistees which i mentioned earlier. From the mannerism and the subjects they converse about, i drew a conclusion in my mind that it'll be tough finding someone decent to commune with in the army. Despite the relentless prayers, i was further cursed with outrageous bunk mates. However, these misconception was short lived because i grew to appreciate the diversity of human profile.

My buddy and i will never talk unless the need to arrives. I remembered the first time he asked me for my name was just to remind me to wake him up the next morning. And the next was during the fire drill, which i had to remind him of the standard operation procedures, which he proceeded to run downstairs with his items, leaving me and a few of my bunk mates alone. We were still struggling with the necessary items. This left me with a very bad impression and moreover a sigh of disappointment with my days ahead in my training. With a buddy like that, you'll either have to suffer in silence or die in silence. I chose neither! I chose to disclose my relationship with others. Everybody has a finger, but none can point me to the light.

Day by day, i found new comfort in my bunk mates. Of which, only 3 other bunk mates seem to offer much of a listening ear and probably a few thoughts in common. Amongst the things we share, not of emotional and physical stuff, but of gossips, we had some disagreements and nevertheless some hidden opinions. Im constantly disgusted by my buddy's behavior. Amidst the smoking group, he found his own sort of buddy. He sleeps 2 beds across, and im stuck in the middle of the bonfire of curses and degrading jokes. This new found buddy of my buddy has nothing else in his mind other than sex. Cardinal and degrading as it may sound, he may seem like the typical kind in the army. Listening to his jokes and his self proclaimed sexual prowess turns my insides inside out and my outsides in. What to do, both of them are dropouts. I think probably the birds of the same feather flops best in the same nest.

When i became an OOT personnel after 10 days of intense physical training, i got to know the ugly side of people. Together, inclusive of me, there were 13 who were unfit for the training phase. Therefore, our new roles in the company is to just do whateva we are told to; mostly to help with the area cleaning and paper works issued by the Clerk or Company Quartermaster. Sounds easy? Wait till you get to work with this bunch of other 12 who has the same status as i have. I havent realised that working with myself can be that painful.

These people will find the chance slack wheneva possible. Slouching at the corner, they prance at their unwitting prey like a stalking predator. These chances have no opportunity to slip by unnoticed because their enemies are on their toes, alert and sharp. Lets say when we're told to do unimaginably stupid chores such as picking up leaves, some would hold just a bunch of leaves and pretend to walk around. Or some would initiate to get brooms when they would spend most of their time walking back and forth. There is a solution to this leave problem; cut the damn tree down. But then again, must well rid of mankind to stop all other problems.

As for me, i like to slack at the sofa; while listening to my Walkman or reading my book, i'll occasionally fall asleep. This is not sightly in the eyes of the beholder or jealousy and avarice. Its common to have idiots snatching for the sofa seat, while there are only 5 available, which has to cater to all of us, excluding the Sergeants and Leftanents. They have the main priority of course. There is this pig, or dog bred, which is ultimately distasteful to look at. He is hideously ugly, with uncountable craters in his face which lures ur enraging fist into punching it. His leg will shake like a wagging tail of a bitch wheneva he's talking to a Sergeant. He commands us, who suffer the same status as he, like the Officer in Commanding. He is a horrible piece of crap which i despise with all the disgust gathered. Hateful or not, you'll have to see him in person. Together with him, there are a few other fat pigs who read comics everyday and sleep like i do, only less elegant. One of which, resembles the fictional pig character from "Journey to the West". So alike in character and appearance, for a moment i was in awe when i first saw him. I thought that im trap in some fairytale or something. How is it possible that the pig deity is right before my eyes! Not surprising that he is as lazy and stupid as its fictional counterpart. This is his interpersonal trait; he'll look for the easiest task of all, or command others to do the other tedious job which may range from sweeping the floor or wiping the windows. In order to avoid filling ice in the icebox, he told me that he'll go to his bunk to get changed. That took quite some time, because i purposely waited for him. In the end, when i went ahead to get the ice, i found him wearing the same attire. I guessed that he probably went up to his bunk and got trapped into some bed demon's lethargic spell.

Lastly, this other monstrous looking person is now in the Scabbard Mess with me. His arms are slightly crooked. If he were to cast a shadow against the light, his arm would look like some old willow branch, only way as thick as an oak. This person, alike the rest, would prey upon chances to slack. Today, while cleaning the toilet, he took so many breaks. He'll walk out, pretending to message, check out the weather, adjust his music player, walk around probably to check for other more hideous looking monsters like him. He wanna be the most hideous in the world. He told the magic mirror that, i swear! I overheard him in the bunk, talking to the mirror in the wardrobe. So, he'll volunteer to clean the pingpong balls while i sweep the entire area outside. How considerate? No sense of judgement and no sense of guilt mostly. I told him to wipe the glass windows again and i let him clean the stair railings all by himself after which.

During my stay at RockyHill, which is an isolated camp a few kilometres away from Ladang. My bunk IC, some sort of leader, is always on the ball. He doesnt keep the ball rolling, or there wasnt any rolling to begin with. He is just on the ball, and always taking the lead while nobody is actually following. Some followers were deemed cult culprits over time and were eventually beheaded in some mental ritual. Together in the Scabbard Mess, there is this other guy who is similar to my bunk IC. Enthusiastic or puppy shit, i dunno which. I would not dare to deny that there are people that patriotic to the extent that they wanna serve the country like a puppy unknowingly licking shit off his owner's dirty boots. Not just once, but every single second. The taste of it, they'll savour it like edible gold. Today morning, i saw him marching to the Scabbard Mess. I was like just walking behind him, because i dun wish to march with him. Yes, march to ur death. Sorry i just cant accept the fact that such people do exist! I know im contradicting when i said that i cant deny there are people like that. But get it right, i cant deny but i cant accept either! Its just such a turn off. Worse, he has a permanent smile. Thats freaky. He is a music student of my friend, thats more unacceptable. Enough of such talk, im feeling a pinch of guilt already. Look, at least i have some conscience!

Right...

So im blogging now in the Scabbard Mess, while the other Officers are playing Dota. And so i met some people i do know in the army. These people have no respect for who you are, because in the army, ur talent or skill does no use for ur ranking. In here, its the ranking that you earn with ur sweat and blood. Thus, a macho pea-brain can earn respect here. A weak little IQ genius can instantly transform into the lowest of shit. I take things quite personally at times, and if it involves any dealings in the music circle, i'll dig my hands into his chest and pull out his heart. I swear! I mean, if anybody were to step into my way on purpose. And if that person plays Chinese music...

I dunno. Its not like i can do much. I can only do as much as i did to...

Nobody.

There are really nice people around though. While shredding paper in the administration office yesterday, i met this other Sergeant who was unlucky enough to be sent over to Tekong to do shit job. We talked, joked and laughed. When the flag lowering ceremony was commencing, we ran back to the office to avoid standing out there to stare at the, not stupid, flag. Shredding paper left a good impression. Later that night, i ran into him again. Despite his rank as a Sergeant, he treated me like a friend. And thats the kind of nice people you find in Tekong. Other than him, there is also my Platoon Sergeant. He may seem moody and times, but he's really nice. If i were to use the word cute on a girl, i think it may also be used on him. We love his lectures. He talks. Like really, talks. My Platoon Commander may have pushed me during my physical training, he also encouraged me to the Scabbard Mess. Now that im here, i would prefer working here than being an OOT personnel back in RockyHill. Imagine spending my days there staring at the hideous gargoyles. He visited us at the Scabbard Mess just yesterday. He told me that ive to try the chicken cutlet in the cafe. Can somebody be any nicer? This other 2 Sergeants were really nice too, back in RockyHill.

Yes! How can i forget my favourite Sergeant Major. He helped me with the checking of my vocation posting! I requested that he did, because ive waited for at least 2 weeks already. He headed to the headquarters and got them to push our Clerk to send my file over by the end of the day. Only my file was requested, out of all the other 12 OOT personnel. It is frustrating to get pass every single day with hatred and disgust. Therefore, i made the first move. Checkmate. Sergeant Major is a very cute adult. He has a bubbly character unlike the other serious acting Sergeants. He loves making jokes. People may find him useless, probably those patriotic rats who follows blinding the piper, but i think that he has earned his place and he deserves some respect. Some Officers think that they are so great! Like i said, macho pea-brains. And yes, with a tiny pecker.

Staying in the headquarters bunk is scary. Theres no lights out timing, nor a fixed time for reveille. I just have to wake up and open the Scabbard Mess before 8 in the morning and close it an hour before midnight. Today, i slept like a pig in the Scabbard Mess. It felt good. Eating and sleeping would definitely help me in my physical training. What am i talking about? Theres no more physical training! Im a free man. OOT means out of training.

Right... it'll get on back very soon. Now, the days ahead are oblique.

I must shape my future. Im its molder.

Last Few Hours

And yet u wonder when is all these going to end. Sitting there, with all of ur fellow schoolmates around u like marching soldiers, busy in their thoughts and focusing on their work, u look around with hazy eyes, feeling the heat of the auditorium brushing against ur face. Eventually, the chief examiner takes up the mike and speaks into with vigilance. Everybody seemed to sit up straight, tight against the chair they've been rooted on for an hour. The cohort will be dismissed as soon as the papers are collected. There, another day of PSLE.

With a blink of an eye, the Os flew pass just as quickly as it came. Ten years of education, can u believe it? Eleven for some, or even twelve. For me, ive never thought that my life would end up this way. Ive never felt so much like a sponge, absorbing the essence of everyday's giving and learning and experiencing something new with every awakening. Time ran ahead of me like a hunted prey. Giving chase aint what im concerned with anymore. Now, i just wish to enjoy the process of the pursue. Live life to the fullest as they say.

Im heading into the army in a few hours time. And the whole world seem to cloud with questions and doubts all of a sudden. This shroud has no origin and it seems to grow from the corner of my mind. I've tried finding its source, but with no avail. I'll just let things hook my by the nose. Whatever comes, i'll deal with it like how i would. Whatever goes, i'll manage myself like i always will.

Army will the beginning of a new life, also the end of the old ways of life. Sadly, i believe that i would come out a changed person. In what ways, i do wish to imagine, neither would i wish to generally compare myself with others who had successfully completed their duty to serve the nation. Ive seen aplenty, and found none to be much of myself. Will people love me like my friends do? Will they treat me equally like my friends do? So many questions with replies yet to come. I feel strained with these uncertainty. But nonetheless, the answers to my questions will knock on my doors soon. I believe within this two weeks, half the face will be revealed through the falling veil.

Goodbye to the days when we used to sit together in the cafes, chatting from the birth to the revelations. We have to move on, and within these three years, amongst all the friends we had, half would be diverted into their new path, and a third of the other half will be going through the same phase as i am. Another third will still be in the pursual of their studies, another walking bleakly into another route of life, probably married though mostly still searching half-heartedly. We will meet new friends. And this ever growing list has its limits. With another new name results in another forgotten face. Slowly, our clique will mould along with the effect of time. Awkwardness and tiredness will bore this relationship we once had. The scar of time will take time to heal. However, never force urself to be shackled by responsibilities which are imaginery. If the grass is indeed greener on the other side, just cross the fence. Do remember though to jump back into the old herd for a few munches when ur free.

Im excited for this new adventure. People has gone through it and proven it possible. The smile at the end of the day will wash away the injured pride and dignity, blood and sweat. New found courage, a new found life-style in exchange will be worth the purpose of its operation. Im positive that i'll turn out fine. Within two weeks, do head back to find me here again, blogging about my foresight of army life.

Life is changing. Its not in the water, nor in the air. Destiny is in the clutches of ur own hands.

So serious.

I Am Still Who I Am

Beyond the setting sun lies another place in another time. This piece of land which i speak has marshmallow floating in its boundless sky and the reflection of caramel off the rising sun of gold. As my sun sets, a morning rises from somewhere else. As i see the coming of dark, my friends will see the nearing of dawn.

Im alone.

Is there yet another unfortunate to share my bitterness?

Please erase the emo opening that i just made from ur mind. It might still stay fresh, but refrain from blending that with my entry today... because that was my previous uncomplete post. Instead of labeling it junk, why not just randomly insert it an introduction. Shocking as it may sound, or hair-raising, but actually im feeling rather simple currently. So here goes...

Its been some time since i last took the effort to even consider blogging. In fact, i did settle down with some thoughts and actually laid my fingers on the keyboard to type a few paragraphs. They were structured and organised. Unable to focus in length, i threw the short-termed determination away and went gaming instead. My bad, my bad.

And so, i was worried and pestered by shrouding pessimism. These mystic creatures clawed and dug their nails deep into my wound. As the days wore on, i feel a reluctance gripping over my heart. I was disheartened and humiliated by self-reproach. It is inevitable that this paranoia would eventually weather my confidence into something least stable. Feeling brittle and vulnerable to judgement and negative comments. However, being the adept filter that i am, i was able to sieve the sand apart from the water. Adapting this technique has strengthened my survival skills in this competitive world. Delusional as i might at times call it, but deluding myself aint self-mocking. Its actually encouragement unlike learning in through a hard lesson. Cushioned landing. Yes, cushioned landing.

Then, i realised that theres actually nobody to judge u except for urself. Im the blockade i have to pass. Im the hurdle i have to jump. Im the fear i have to banish. Im everything i sort peace for, and only through me can i find comfort. Therefore, within the last few weeks before concert, i seeked for inner peace and serenity. Calmness claimed me just as quickly as it returned me into the void.

I was down with high fever. Its merely three days away from my concerto debut and im down with misfortune. Unwittingly, i went outdoors, under the sun, by myself, to run an important errand. I headed all the way to AlbertCourtHotel to rent for an academic gown. It was crowded with all the late birds. I had to wait for a long time for my catch, and when i did, they told me ive to pay by either cheque or cash for the worms. So, i walked all the way over to SimLim. That took the toll. I felt my head spinning and the floor below constantly seemed to vibrate vigorously. I was about to faint, and ive never felt any sensation such as this before. It was the first time that blacking out seems feasible at last. I was curious and hoped that i would so my misery would end temporarily. However, after a few minutes rest, i found myself aheading for the ATM machine. I had to travel back and forth. Upon recieving my gown, i took a bus home.

Ive never felt much worse than the food poisoning incident back then in 1997. The illness took me by the hand and tugged me forcefully. I feel the world fading against the dull backdrop of traffic and passing faces. Then, i fell.

I laid in bed for the entire night. I was deprived of all activities other than sleep. Recuperation never felt that distant. It came slow in the middle of the night. Mom was out of town and thus i was under the care of my three tenants. They are nice people who will be willing to lend a helping hand when one is needed. Kind and considerate, they hang around much with my Mom, keeping her company and they certainly do enjoying staying at our house. So, with the absence of Mom, they took me under their wings. They made me remedies, bought me medicine and cooked for me. With their attention, signs of recovery appeared overnight. I was beginning to heal and i thought there might be hope for my concerto debut.

Who knows?

Just as i was on the long journey of slow recovery, my uncle decided to concoct a remedy for my sore throat. Ive no idea what he used but it sure tasted sweet and somehow like those made-belief drinks that they sell outside for quenching thirst, cooling off body heat and curing fever. It is unforseen that by drinking that potion weltered i would fall into a worsen state of fever and sore throat. The sweet drink caused further damage to my throat. And i ate some pills that were kindly provided by ChaiXia. After taking the pills, my hands and feet grew tiny blisters. These blisters werent painful till i burst three of them. It made my hand numb, and i could feel a torrent of electricity flowing through my palms when i get a grip on an object. I couldnt walk without limping, due to the pain from the cute little blisters.

This misery ended right after my concerto debut.

I didnt play as best as my rehearsal, but im certainly shocked to finally have found peace on stage. Mike, music director and conductor, told me that constant rehearsals with the orchestra will surely improve my confidence for an accompanied performance. Performing two concertos in one night, under such bad conditions, aint easy for me. Moreover, its harder for me to swallow that fact that i might have disappointed in quite a number of audience who attended to watch me. Some were there to discourage, some were there to support and most were there to enjoy.

After the performance, i went to the stagedoor. At that moment, i heard cheers burning through my ears and i knew that those are my friends, people who wouldnt mind how i play but support me as long as im on stage. I must thank those who attended the concert; SiHan, YongRui, Audrey, Martin, Angela, Jwen, Evan, Jobyna, Amy, Jacky, Winnie, Mervin and their boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands and pets. Thank u so much for attending my debut! There were those who couldnt make it, and i understand; Christoven, Mark and those who were sincere to at least send me their regards. Im grateful for any effort in cheering me up. Now that these are all memories, some part will still leave a scar in my mind. There are many things to be happy about but still a few that i wouldnt wanna remember.

Had a great night with my friends. After the performance, we went to catch The Beatles performance, and dragged some other friends along for a night to be remembered. We hung out till 3 in the morning, and took the Nightrider home.

I was so shagged.

Now that the performance is finally over, i have greater things ahead of me. Sometimes, like they always say, a problem will reveal itself like a blossom just as another has withered away. Alright, nobody said that, i did. National enslavement. That is my greatest worry now. I just had a performance with MDC a few days ago. It was happening for me, a world of laughing matters, but might be just an ordinary day, a bothersome wont, to them. The performance was alright, dinner was great and the ride home was the best. I got to see many of the musicians and music lovers that night during the function. It was a dinner for the convention that took place a few days ago. Well, nothing much... there was fish, chicken, vegetable. Yes, i drank Coke.

I brought Mom to the cinema to watch MoneyNotEnough2. I watched it myself a few days ago and i managed to lie and convince here to go watch with me today. She talked to me quite loudly in the cinema, good thing those around us were aunties. I dunno why, but when i watched it myself, because nobody is free to watch it with me and my days are numbered so i thought i should spend my time wisely, the cinema was more alive and everybody was laughing. Today, when i was watching and recalling the scenes, i was anticipating for laughter but it seemed that they didnt catch the joke or they dun find it funny at all. Its wierd that even i find it funny! Those aunties are pathetic! Anyway, there was this auntie beside Mom were kept talking to herself. The movie is very touching and Mom kept crying. I peeped over, because i knew that she would cry! And bingo! She did. I cried when i watched it in the cinema. Well, i dun usually cry... but when i watch movie myself, i'll usually cry. In the cinema, i'll control my tears even when im alone. Next time, put a hidden cam infront of the TV and secretly tape me watching Korean drama. U'll be shocked!

Well, im home now. Composing for fun and blogging for quenching my ennui. Im heading for the games now... and ive no time for fanciful entries. Believe it or not, this blog entry is compiled over a few weeks. U can tell from the different style due to different mood on different days. But one this aint different. Im still me!

My Mentors

Once awhile i'll flip through my dairy only to refresh myself of my present state. It brings back memories of the past and how things squirmed its way to the present. Tears of joy and tears of pain, both equally balanced throughout my life. There were times that i felt utterly hopeless and helpless yet there were times that i couldnt be more grateful. Life is a wonderful thing, i hope everybody cherish it in the end, because its the process that makes it beautiful.

Reading my past entries, theres only one thing i can conclude. I was very childish. This shows that i've grown in terms of my thinking and my perspective towards everything else. Im glad that theres such a day when i'll scan across the surface and come to a point of realisation. Ive grown! Ive matured! Im no longer how i was and how i thought i was. In a few years time, i'll see this entry and most probably laugh my ass off. But, its life! Thats how it should be!

Theres one thing i can confirm which i've never changed. I love my orchestra, CSCO. And there is another thing which i can confirm. I have never really liked my school, ACS.

These few month had been tough for many of my friends who were closely related to the deceased, David and RuiXiang, who were both unfortunately involved in car accidents. Theres nothing i can say to lighten up the mood, neither do i wish to unconsciously hurt anybody else. I am as shocked as any others and affected. But through the darkness and the storm, the rainbow eventually comes. Only through these stages in life can we all grow stronger. Realisation only comes when unexpected remorse knocks at our door. They've planted a beacon of light, and now we must nurture it and watch it grow. Its just the first step, because it'll be what they'll want us to be. No sorrow, no sadness and no more tears. We'll go on, doing things in a changed way, for the sake of our friends and ourselves. Cherish everything else around u more than usual, because u'll never know when one day they'll take the nearest exit out.

Its been a long time since i had such an orchestra practice at CSCO. When i was there today, i smiled because it brings back nostalgic feelings. That is exactly what they would have hoped for. Lets work harder and make this concert a successful one as usual! Just like any post CSCO concert, we'll rejoice and celebrate for our effort with a fantastic retreat camp. I'll be looking forward to that, hopefully before i enter into the army.

I also have to thank Mike, Zheng LaoShi, who has nutured me and along with other musicians. Sometimes i would wonder if he dislikes what im doing outside. I have quite a few performances outside and personal engagements. Back then, i'll let him know what im doing. Recently, i feel that i should just update him with important ones, small performances dun really matter. When i approach him, he'll give me advice and guidance to my problem. He knows best when it comes to dealing with political affairs, because he is experienced with relating with others while im still a greenhorn. No matter what, i hope he knows that i'll never do anything that will go against my committment though at times i have to bear through all the horrible comments which pokes hard into my flesh. Its alright, as long as i know what im doing and i know that im free of guilt, im fine. But, do they know that im innocent? That im not sure, and i can only live by faith that im free of guilt and ive done no wrong to deserve any prejudice. This happened before with YuJia, Yu LaoShi, and i really dun wish for anything like that to happen again. I was stupid and too kind to let things backfire against myself. YanYu, Yan LaoShi, told me to just let things go naturally and i shouldnt confront YuJia because it'll make things worse. Well, in any ways, its a small thing, but its serious to me because we're all under the Pipa family and if things are uneasy between all of us, then how are we going to survive together? Anyway, Jessica, LuJie, told me that things like that do happen. She's right. Other than Mike, ive never seen any other teacher who cares for his or her students so much. Maybe ive never seen the world, but for all ive seen, thats what i think. YanYu cares for me too, and Mike cares for me in a different way. Today, he asked about my army enlistment and that came to me in a shock. It was rather random, and it came to my mind that hes actually gave time to think about me! Sometimes, miracles do drop by once in awhile. He's willing to help. I better not say anymore... just in case. I guess its important to have teachers like that in ur life, it motivates u. I wanna thank Jessica, Mike and YanYu for inspiring me! To a certain extent, YuJia too. Love them all!

Now i may sound as patriotic as the people of the republic of China. Thats how i feel, if that aint quite truthful enough for u to accept, thats probably u have ur personal opinion which clashes with mine. In any ways, everybody has their own rights to feel and think how they want. Im not preaching or hoping that everybody will feel like i do, but i hope people would reflect abit on how ur teachers have influenced u throughout the years. Everybody's life is different and i dunno much about anybody else except for myself. So, thats all i have to say for myself.

In many years time, i'll look back again to this very day and probably laugh out loud. My perspective of things may change throughout the years, but im sure of my feelings for CSCO and ACS. Somethings here will remain the same and never change too while i might think twice on others. I think i know already what it is.

Continue to enjoy good things which life can offer! Dun live to regret. Live to rejoice!

Wont U Miss Those Days?

We've walked down the yellow brick road and along the way we've found company. These friends will stay with u till the end of days. But we're crossing the borders of this county which was once so familiar. And we question if we can survive out of these walls. This ghetto has served us as home and shelter for years. It might feel uncomfortable at first if we were to step out of its gates. And moreover, remember those times when we used to sit by the stone walls, staring out into the starry horizon and boundless grassland wondering what life would be outside the confinements of he ghetto. Even though, time will never erase this feeling we habor now.

My days in NAFA are over, hopefully. And ive made friends as much as turning my back against somebody in school. I wish to have to hard feelings with any of my schoolmates. Friends may come and go in ur life, but enemies only accumulate. Or even better if u have no enemies in the world, but all ur friends hate u. I can imagine ourselves sitting down for some coffee cock talking in a few years time. After graduation, everybody will miss everybody. We'll gather and see each other again, we will have a hard time recognising one another, and laughing our asses off by recollecting all the wonderful memories of school days. Even now as we speak, some reunion gatherings are happening in some corner of the world. I believe that we'll see each other again no matter how. If u were to feel nothing about stepping out into the open, then its time to wonder if its either ur missing something, or nothing is happening at all.

Some may move on with education, others shackled by obligations. During this course in life, we'll meet new friends and some will eventually be forgotten out of the friend list. This happens. And when it does, meeting them on the streets again will be such a dramatic event.

Finally we're free of all portfolios and presentations. We need not have to worry about submitting assignments and getting our work marked in order to compile them into the portfolio at the end of the academic semester. And we need not struggle out of bed to rush down to school for practices and rehearsals. And now we need not play music anymore!

School life is just a junction in the big picture. Its just the start of life actually! Everybody says that its the beginning of things. Like youth, it'll be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. Only when we start working will we ever miss what it is like studying. What about attending DrKan's lectures? Im sure thats already like facing a confrontation with ur boss daily about pay raise and poor attendance issues.

Here is a gigantic gargantuan colossal list of things that u will miss about. Wont u?

Wont u miss those days when we all sit together in class getting our brains wrecked by MrLim? Wont u miss those days when we all borrow aural books so that we can copy or go around composing ur our own aural practices? Wont u miss those days when the security guard, AhCheng, has to come knocking on ur studio door and speaking to u in that rude nasal voice? Wont u miss those days when u step out of the lift only to see the cleaner staring at u with that wierd "Did u kill my cat?" stare? Wont u miss those days when u get to chase somebody out of the practice studio because for once u took the initiative to book ur name under a pathetic slot on the big piece of paper? Wont u miss those days when u have to sneak into class when ur late only to notice that the whole class is turning their head to meet ur guilty look? Wont u miss those days when u take a slow stroll down to Cheers during History or MOA lectures? Wont u miss those days when all go out to the museum together in a funny SBS bus? Wont u miss those days when everybody is in the computer lab attempting to print their last minute submissions? Wont u miss those days when u sit around at the prata stall eating nothing but listening to gossips more juicy and oily than prata? Wont u miss those days when people say "Bo Jio!" for the sake of it when they dun even wish to go whereva u went? Wont u miss those days when u roll about in the computer lab doing nothing and disturbing others? Wont u miss those days when u're trying to do work but Audrey is singing and strumming her guitar away to the tabs on the net? Wont u miss those days when u're trying to watch YouTube while others around u are shouting and playing a competitive match of DOTA? Wont u miss those days when everybody just criticise their own playing and telling u about the horrible detail about their PS lesson? Wont u miss those days when u have a few hours to spend and u go around collecting people to go drink soya with u? Wont u miss those days when u can go down to Cathay to flash ur student card for a $6 ticket? Wont u miss those days when u have to drag ur feet to the NAFA library to find some CDs that DrTan has especially reserved for u? Wont u miss those days when we sit in class forgetting immediately what MrYap said about this specific chord resolution and remembering only the ultimately lame jokes that he used to describe it and in the end we can only apply the jokes to our exams? Wont u miss those days when Yohanna was still in school? Wont u miss those days when TerenceWong, who has retired i think, come to our class to call our some students name when he look so fierce but is actually so damn kind? Wont u miss those days when u have the chance to cheer and clap super loudly for Charles who is performing ToruTakemitsu's "Raintree Sketch" during music platform on Wednesnday? Wont u miss those days when we all plan to go for some chalet or something but in the end nobody does it and everybody just forgets about it and never mention about it again? Wont u miss those days when its planned to go out together but in the end some will have sudden chorse or errands to run? Wont u miss those days when we go the zoo only to regret and promise ourselves never to go again but only to find ourselves there again a year later? Wont u miss those days when XueMin faints in the public into the arms of willing hot men such as SiHan himself? Wont u miss those days when we wish to turn off those noisy keyboards in the com lab? Wont u miss those days when we see Jose's dramatic expressions as his face, eyes and mouth moves like a million times? Wont u miss those days when u only hear Willianna singing in sightsinging classes? Wont u miss those days when u have to suffer Charle's successfully cold jokes and hear ZhengYi's comment about it immediately during all lectures? Wont u miss those days when choir has to slap their own faces and only their own faces or has to pinch their cheeks with their noses? Wont u miss those days when DrTan will tell u that a piece is long short short? Wont u miss those days when DrTan will tell u that those are called Pastorale? Wont u miss those days when DrTan will tell u that a certain recording is beautiful and we should go listen when it is coming out in the listening exam? Wont u miss those days when lecturers fail to persuade the students to do their work such as telling us that the recording is beautiful? Wont u miss those days when DrTan will tilt her head while talking to u or DrKan blinking and nodding her head incessantly while listening to ur horrible lie? Wont u miss those days when we all smell like shit after lunch at FortuneCentre or SunShinePlaza? Wont u miss those days when we go around checking hows everybody's progression with that stupid long essay? Wont u miss those days when u have a super hard time flagging for cabs at BencoolenStreet? Wont u miss those days when u have to walk to Bugis and while doing so is constantly thinking about stupid stuffs related to school? Wont u miss those days when we sit at the cafe staring at each other? Wont u miss those days when u have to walk pass somebody and literally smell her hair? Wont u miss those days when we sit together to complain about that smell? Wont u miss those days when u just cant remember who that is but yet nobody is willing to tell it to u directly? Wont u miss those days when we drink soya for the sake of killing time? Wont u miss those days when a bunch of guys will travel down to PeaceCentre to play DOTA and somebody ends up giving a black face because he lost? Wont u miss those days when we gather together to share a big plate of chicken rice? Wont u miss those days when there was still the pasta stall at SunShinePlaza where we can add noodle for free and free lodging off their cheese and tobasco sauce? Wont u miss those days when we sit at McDonalds after rehearsal to bitch and share huge fries? Wont u miss those days when u have a stomachache and was glad that NAFA toilet is so clean all the time and not forgetting the air-con too? Wont u miss those days when u walk around the corridors peeping from window to window to spy who is there that u know even though u dun even know what to do or say when u actually find one? Wont u miss those days when u have to persuade somebody like hell to go eat or drink and eventually they'll somehow usually come along? Wont u miss those days when u feel like going out but all ur friends are either practicing or rehearsing thinking that they'll definitely improve? Wont u miss those days when everybody is crowding to take pictures with the lecturers during our graduation day at SingaporeConferenceHall which is about to come?

Yes i do.

Free Man

In your eyes, i am over-sensitive, biased and petty. In my eyes, u are a good friend.

Ive changed in every way that u would have wished when we're close. I do not ask u what you're doing and what you're planning to do. I do not disturb u when u are practicing. I do not expect my messages replied instantly and moreover, i do not even call or message you that often anymore. I do not force you to have lunch with me. I do not give comments anyhow infront of you. I do not criticise or make fun of your 'weakness', which ever you think that i often do. And from that day on, i do not want to have any relation revolving around money with you. And what does all this lead to? It leads to our situation now. This predicament is all the result of your requests and demands. As for me, we might be closer than before if i were to stay as i am. But then again, its not you've wished for. Well, i hope you're alright with it as it is with me. Im glad that we managed to solve our previous problem before landing into such a state today. Why? Because i would prefer to start all these anew. Like now, fresh.

We have one more date to complete. That day would be the 28th of August, if my memory serves me well. I hope you'll keep your end of the bargain. Anyway it doesnt cost you much to just clear one day out of your extremely busy schedule. You have almost 3 months to do whateva you wish without having me in a part of anything.

As for me, holiday is the equivalent to ennui and boredom. I have to plan what to do for a few months. Though i do have 2 concertos bugging me, nagging at the back of my mind, i have to focus also on my vague future. I have some plans, though they arent properly laid out like others, which cause me to worry for they are subjective to large changes. Time cant solve everything, because procrastination will stroll along everytime.

Finally, ive graduated from NAFA. Wait, still kinda early to announce it so because i might have failed my other modules. Im very worried for my History and Counterpoint. I cant remember from whom, but somebody did mention that the results for History are rather negative. As for Counterpoint, im rather sure that with a zero for my Invention im going to score a very low pass or either a high fail. Imagine, a high fail? Still a fail.

Now, im already missing school. My friends tell me that i'll miss school next time when i step out into the society. True enough, its already working its way into my heart. It aches for firstly our dear lecturers, who have been so kind to us for the 3 beautiful years in NAFA. Secondly, for my friends who will be missed surely. However, time left its scars and wounds. Some are fresh and leaves quite an impact in my life. This wounds however hurt most at parts which cannot be seen. This scar will follow me throughout my life. Mistakes or bad relations, i cant be sure. But either way, all the good memories will assuage the negative ones. This memory will do me no good if i were to keep dwelling in the past. Stop digging for useless thoughts. For those who has done me wrong, ive already forgiven them the day after. However, it is up to them to make the first approach if they've opened up themselves for a new friendship. Things can start again. Not as good as before definitely, but on the other hand at least its still there. Ive forgiven and, fortunately or unfortunately, ive forgotten too.

Life is great and filled with promises. I have to look further for the grass is indeed greener on the other side. Its time to jump over the fences and out of my comfort zone. Its time to serve the nation and over the hills lie a stretch of meadow with grass undulating in the gentle breeze.

Where Should I Start?

I have so much to say. I feel like blogging... but for the first time, i dunno where to start.

Live To Remember Such A Time

Have u done anything to make yourself wonder if u could turn back time to undo them? I thought that as long as somebody is happy because of what i do, it does not matter if it hurts me or not. I havent known what sacrifice is all about, neither have i heard how it can harm somebody. If im treated the way i deserve because of a little sacrifice on my part, i'll be most satisfied despite the disadvantage. However, i have never thought it this way till when it hurts too much.

The pain came sharp and its impossible to ignore it any longer. If u do feel any pain, or u have just grown immune and indifferent to it, u have successfully hidden any clue. It seems that in first impression, there is no hint of any disagreement or dispute between us. If one were to see plainly, the surface is clean and flawless, there are no signs of struggle.

I guess that i am too sensitive and i put a large amount of emotion into what i do. Thus, i might tend to get too emotionally stressed when something does not turn out right. And to draw myself emotionally away from an object, i need to have a distraction to preoccupy myself with. In order for this to take place, i'll usually find something else to do. Although i might be busy at times, my mind will subconsciously draw me back to the root of my problem. This causes a serious amount of misery as i get too focused on mental struggles with the obstacles. I hate to leave a problem unsolved by a corner, it usually gets stacked up to a heap of garbage. This festering nonsense will infect me with toxic and wild thoughts. These train of thoughts will direct me to my well of tears. And when that happens, i'll just stop and stare.

So much for the trust. Sometimes, people can just open their mouth to spill out empty promises and lies. And these sweet smelling bubbles will bring u on ur toes and carry u by ur nose. Its too sweet to deny for any sweet toothes. But in the end, u dun get to the end of the bargain and realise that all these sweet talking ends up only in one manner; all lies and deciet. They swear to u that they believe and trust u, but do nothing to show that they mean what they say. Or even better, they swear and hope for u to trust them, but yet do nothing to gain ur trust. Faith? Blindly by faith, i see. Thats right, isnt that what they always say? They say that faith is the strongest virtue. However, whateva it turns out in the end, faith has its reason for u to blindly continue believing in false hope and empty promises to come.

They tell u that u're they're best friend and that u'll be on their priority list. And the next thing u know, they're finding somebody else to share their new found treasure chest. And as for u, u sit waiting under the coconut tree for a treasure map to float onshore. Isnt it sad? No, its not entirely sad if one were to be a nincompoop or born blonde. Why? Because if one were to be stupid enough to have that little faith, he'll continue believing that he'll get a part of that treasure if his friend were to find any. And thus, its worth the wait for the treasure. Moreover, if it were to be true that he'll find a treasure by himself, he'll find his so called best friend to share it with him, who will eventually share it with somebody else. Sad eyes, do pity the poor fellow sitting under the coconut tree. But do not shed a tear, for he has no faith in his best friend. No longer.

So much for the paranoia. Look who is feeling paranoid? I am inferior in ur eyes, and u look at me like a strange creature, no longer a friend. And u told me that u trust me and u believe in how i feel. However, u act so differently all the time. And i blindly believe u. U said that u'll speak up for me, and i have failed to hear any news about them. So much for ur trust and faith. So much as so little it may seem, but actually too much in ur eyes.

From yesterday onwards, i have realised that sometimes a spoilt toy should be thrown away and recycled somewhere else. What can that toy gain if it were to stay by my side? Why not just let it go? Sometimes its time to cut the chord, let things drop and let things go. Its selfish on my side to keep it by my side though things has grown sour and depressing. Therefore, the decision on my part is final.

I'll give chance a final try, and by tonight it shall all be decided. I wouldnt wanna make things sound so drama, but thats the way life should be at times. I cannot sit under the tree to wait any longer. Do u know where ur heart is? Do u think u can find it? If u still cant, leave it be. I have not much time in the world to wait for u to finish all ur work before u can decide to even bother about looking for me. Im leaving the coconut tree, im on my hunt for something else in life now. Wear all jewel u can find in that chest of urs, and don up in silver and gold. Doll up ur friend too, never forget to share them with ur new found friends. As for me, im discarded and used, no need to even consider. If u ever remembered me somehow by chance, do look me up and i'll feel slightly elated. It'll bring a smile on my face, but too late for happiness.

After clearing the mist before my eyes, i see the world in a brighter perspective. My sight was shrouded by shadows of doubt and whispers of prejudice. Many times i have caught a glimpse of what is beyond where i stand. However, this litte faith that i have abandoned has shackled me and rooted my feet on the ground. This ground, once arable, has now been irrigated with polluted waters. Its time to let it fallow, let it be useful once more for somebody else who might travel this way. I hope dearly that somebody will not fall into the snare of its holder.

The land belongs to a creature of magic. A creature of unimaginable beauty with promises and lies. One who tells stories of half-truths and twisted tales. This hidden truth has to come to awareness through suffering and excrutiating pain. This sharpness will open ur eyes and awake u from ur deep slumber. And from these lessons, the creature of magic will learn nothing more than what it should. But for the nomadic victim, he'll learn to move on.

Well, all i have wanted to say stops here tonight. And what i have wanted to say more desperately has been sent privately to u last night. They are wild and painful; revelation of unwanted and shocking truths. I hope that u can deal with it in time and look beyond that to see the reasons which draw me to do the unthinkable. I have confessed enough of my sins, its time to forgive me. I'll always remember these few months of joy and laughter. Also, what is embedded permantly, the aches and tears. This is on of the most enjoyable and hurtful moments of life, even though it differs so much from my previous other few. I'll definitely remember u as a person who has failed in many ways as to my expectation. A number has passed and lived longer than u have, but they have other purposes in my life. As for u, its too much to even expect u to fit to my heavy demands. U are a failure.

However, one the best few amongst the category.

Indigestible Chunk

For somebody like u, it never happens that what ur friends are going through. U think its possible and easy to let go of things or just live on with the junks u leave behind. However, when u leave these bags of rubbish, others have to suffer to clear them for u. Irresponsible, yet ironic how preaching is ur hobby. How righteous and rightful in ur judgements indeed. Preoccupied with nothing but ur own schedule, stubbornly refusing to succumb urself to changes or sacrifices for others. Busy with ur own nonsense and sometimes nothing. I curse that one day u'll realise that u have nobody else other than urself. That day has yet to come. But when it does, i will not be there and i will not give a damn. I would prefer it if u were to leave me alone now. It is healthier if u were to leave me completely out of ur circle of friends as to compared to ur self centered approach to friendship. What am i? U come and leave as u wish, without a single speck of concern for my feelings? Im not ranting like im being used. Thats just too far do describe our mere relationship as schoolmates. Wait a minute, from best friend to good friend, and from there to schoolmate. I think we can reduce ourselves to just fellow citizens of Singapore? Or casual strangers? It seems that u treat me as one anyway. I have made my point of chiding and rebuking u to knock these senses into ur head. U have acknowledged them but showed little interest in acting upon them, strongly believing that its genetic and irrevocable. Changeless? I think ur just doomed with ur character, and trust me, even now u'll agree. I dun need u to agree to what im saying, i know what i am saying and im sure thats how i feel about u. There is no room for any of ur useless agreements. I need only one thing which u have failed to achieve ever since i started pointing out ur flaws. And that thing happen to be something called 'change'. As for me? U told me what i need to change, and have i not changed? It appears that u want me to leave u alone. Isnt that so? No need for ur excuses about its u and not me for our predicament. Why? Because im sure that we are heading aimlessly for a solution. U do not care even if i were to change, because u cannot care less about a stranger! Or should i say, a fellow citizen of Singapore. Despite, u would prefer that i leave u alone. Why would i think so? Because if i were to leave u alone, u would slowly forget about my existence. I have ceased to exist. However, im here as a harsh reminder that im still here and i'll never let u fling me off. If one day i have to, i'll be the one to make the decision to let go. After all, u would not bother in any way to show that u care. Therefore, the decision lies with me and it is my suffering and curse to lose a friend like u. Then again, it is not my loss. Im sure ur tired and does it even occur to u that im the one feeling fatigue about this? Not just this, i mean these. Who are the ones who set what is normal and what is not? U, urself and urself. Ur the fault itself for being so passively faking through with these kind and comforting remarks. U say so much about how u feel and what u mean and what u really want me to believe. But u preach like a typical priest! U do not practice them or make me believe in them. Faith? U want me to follow and believe u blindly as u say till one day i realise the truth about ur promises? That day, i'll break down and die. Time does not allow that day to pass, and i would rather die than to hear myself out. Did i ask too much? Honestly, ask urself what im asking for. And ive recited that a million times to the Buddha and Madonna statues. They are unresponsive to my request, because they are dead and they care not for me and my concerns. But u, as somebody that u promise and sworn to be, act like one of them, only less thoughtful and supportive. I can even find comfort in the eyes of Mary, but never from u. Am i asking too much? I face rejection everyday, and im already used to its wear and tear. But from u, it seems that its an endless list of excuses. And worse, excuses reused over and over again. What do i ask of u? Have u really considered that? In detail, ask urself what have i ever asked for? My requests and simple and unselfish. But how many rejections does it take for us to reach where we are now? Ive been keeping silent for some time now and it appears to me that it does not matter only till recently. I cannot take ur indifference and insensitive statements. If i can buy faith, i wouldnt need u. So u keep me as a friend because of my uses? Of course! Of course! Typical of life and its advantages for people who manipulates with others emotionally and spiritually! Of course! How late for this realisation! How late am i! How late! How can i forgive myself for such stupidity to shroud my vision, in seeing through my values and how it appeals to draw in friends. But what can i do for u my dear? I have nothing. And its a loss to lose contact with a friend like that? Loss on my side too, but then why do u care? When did u start to care about things like that? Well, if u were to care, then why are u acting like that even though we have fought through pain and tears? It appears that ur the hypocrite this time, not me. My words are heavy and carries painful implications at times u say. But what about u? Ur words are empty and meaningless and doubtful in my ears. I cannot believe u any longer for whateva u say. U are selfish through and through. Look at urself, u know the err but yet refuse to take action to correct urself. Sympathy! Empathy! I dunno which to apply for u. It seems that ur a hopeless case! What can i say? U have agreed with somebody else that im stubborn and ignorant. Well, do u see that u have agreed with somebody more stubborn than me for passing such judgements and refuses to listen to others? Do u realise? And u stand on the side of my enemy, showing me no support and purposely not willing to turn back to give a single glance. U have done things to purposely set me ablaze and i have done so in return to enrage u. But where does this lead? Why do we do such things? Maybe its because of the little significance u show to my welfare? Have i ever acted in any way to make u feel less capable of how u feel? Have i never showed u encouragement? Have i never spoke up for u? Have i never thought of u when i have something to share? Have i ever hidden anything that u should know from u? All these, u have failed on ur part and have i ever complained till recently? I can swear that i have never done anything so explicitly wrong! I have wronged u. Sometimes i may carry my sense of humour too far into making jokes out of u, but if that does any of the above, im truly sorry. But then again, my apologies mean nothing to u in any case. And at this moment, if u even ever thought about apologising, save it! I know its the hardest word u can ever say. Well, u've changed into an animal that i have never known. I feel that i dunno u anymore. U wanna preoccupy urself with ur own selfish plans and leave me out of anything that ur doing, im fine with that, because we're just schoolmates. And u have reminded me countless of times that the line is drawn clear. Ive made it a point to embed that into my memory and to tell myself to stay away from u. But if thats clearly what u wanna achieve, keep it going, ur doing fine! And by the end of the day, u can even just forget my name and how i look. Because, i dun think that memory will serve u in any way for the rest of ur life. Im out of ur life, and ur out of mine. We go our own sweet ways, as u wish. Im not going to spend my life to wait for ur reply or response. Continue to dig in ur glory, ur as fine as hell a good person! Im sure everybody loves u for who u are! Go get urself a new toy. I should be refundable. I think. But with this scars and bruise marks, will they want me back? Even how, im sure they will. As for u, enjoy ur days when im gone. I dun wanna exaggerate things, like ive said, we're just schoolmates and i dun wish to blow this relationship of being strangers. I cannot imagine what else will categorise us other than strangers. Can u? U need some room? Some personal space? Sure, just turn around and look, u have the rest of the world to urself. There u go, the whole space on earth except for where im standing. Its all urs now! Enjoy wallowing in ur personal space!

Xi'an Trip

Life has been unkind back in Singapore, but least to my expectation, life has been worse here in China. Im currently blogging in a very friendly environment of a LAN shop in Xi'an. The air is pregnated with the smell of cigar, the floor with its ashes and probably some stains of spits. What impression u have of China, keep it.

Well, i've been here in Xi'an for four days now. Tomorrow, i'll be flying back to Singapore, landing around 5 in the morning. And that leaves me no choice but to skip another day of class! Imagine if i have to head down to school after my flight. If u can, i cant. I flew here on Saturday morning, with Dedric, Qinglun and Shelly. The latter is our in-charge. She is an excutive in the company 'Full House', who is partly organiser and supporter of this cause, this trip.

Im so thankful and Mark and ChaiXia came to see me off! We had a short breakfast, for that Mark was there slightly later. Therefore, i only had time to talk with ChaiXia more. Im so sorry if Mark felt kinda 'cheated' into going to the airport. Well, whateva it is, im very thankful!

Obviously, the flight was smooth. We touched down at the airport at Shanghai around late afternoon. We took a transit flight from there to Xi'an, which cost us an extra 3 hours, including time wasted on waiting. However, somehow i really do enjoy the sensation of being at the airport, the anticipation of flying and of course the precious time spent on the plane.

Im choking, the smell of cigar is really infiltrating and killing me. Fuck, stupid! So smelly!

Our first dinner was a plate of awe. A head from Xi'an Music Conservatory came to welcome our arrival at the airport. We boarded a small bus, and was brought to the place where JunRu and his family would be waiting. MajorTay, the president of NAFA, some of our own local reporters and MrChew's clerks were there earlier. They were having their dinner when we interupted.

Like as ive mentioned, a plate of awe. In fact, many plates. We were brought to a private room, where noise was the main occupant and probably some song-singing and crazy tunes. We took our seat with JunRu's family. MrChew welcomed us and asked us about our flight. The table was filled plates of wierd dishes, which looked promising. My sense of taste was on the verge of breaking down when we were served with royal food during our flight. Seeing those dishes, coloured mostly in brown, red, gold and green, my tongue was dying for just a bite. One bite, and i knew i'll be in heaven.

What is Xi'an known for? Of course, what else? Good food! Well, the first piece of lamb went into my mouth, and literally, my mouth shot rays of gold into the air which transformed vaguely into a shape of a soaring dragon. Alright, probably too anime for u guys. But im not exaggerating, its seriously damn bloody good! Well, i bet nobody could see much from my expectation, because it wasnt really what ive expected and im adamant to show that ive been defeated.

Songstresses sang familiar tunes, though less familiar when sung with the beauty of their local flavour. The male voice rung in the room, while cheers and talks were breaking around in the small private room for two tables. Some of us were stunned and brought away by their voice, while some were too engrossed with their discussions and poorly constructed jokes. I ate so much, i was about to vomit. And even if i were to, it'll probably taste good!

We were brought back to the hostel. Only a few of us stayed at the hostel, to understand the life of a normal student we were told, but probably for some other reasons. Unfortunately, i shared my room with Dedric. Its not that i wish not to share with him, but i would prefer to share with Qinglun. In fact, we agreed to it already, and because of his indifference to it, i grew mad.

My first few days were practically dark. I was drawn inward, within into myself, so deep that nobody could decipher any expression on my face. Shelly could, and somehow i think she knows something which i dun think she would, and she asked why im pulling such a long face. I felt lonely, due to my own prescription, and very depressed. However, thanks to my mood, i did not eat much. Despite so, im constantly feeling very full!

Tell u guys what, im not in the mood to blog now. The LAN shop stinks! And theres Qinglun and Dedric beside me. If ur wondering, Qinglun and i are fine as hell. But im feeling irritated by Dedric at times! Laugh all u want, i'll blog again when im back! I need some personal space and time to think and construct my entry. See you all!

Bon Voyage

What will come to be in a few hour's time is what i am looking forward to these few days. It has been a tough one, i thought. However, it seems anything but. Day and night went forth like an endless chase, from liquid golden to silver threads of moonlight. I sat by my window, looking out into the starry sky, wondering how different it'll look from somewhere else other than my own home. Then i wondered, how different will it be over there. Not difficult, though the answers never came, and i never expect myself to find one from my mind.

My mind is a stormy sea. To play safe, i would rather not risk waking up late, therefore i skipped my beauty sleep. It brings about memories of my first year in NAFA, when i was still under the torments of portfolios and seemingly endless piles of papers. Why now, everything aint that bad after all, isnt it? My final year in NAFA, believe it or not. As i wipe the disbelief from my eyes, i find nothing but tears. We have gone through much, and too much for some who could not take the stress. As for me, time has been pulling everything along with it in such velocity that my eyes could not catch a glimpse of any memory. Everything is so vague, including the future. Now, as i type with sleepiness clutching on my shoulders, i can only say that this is nothing compared to what once was.

I'll be heading to the airport earlier than anybody else. Christoven and ChaiXia would be seeing me off, and they do not know how grateful i am to have somebody accompany me for breakfast. I cannot ask more, for that i do not require for myself to plea. They go on their own accord, without a need for second hearing. Dedric might be meeting me, but with my knowledge of him, i doubt he will reach in time for breakfast. Whateva it is, ive a feeling that i'll be flying quite often next time. And whateva it is, whereva the source of such intuition, i'll have friends to see me off into my travels. Im thankful.

Before my Mom drove off to Malaysia, she helped me with the packing of my luggage. Without her, i would be pulled into several parts by two directions. One of my senses tells me to bring everything, while the other tells me otherwise. Being poisded in between, only my Mom makes the final judgement on what i bring. Thus, with her help, everything went smoothly and quickly. Though, i never admit to her how much help she was, instead at times i will give her an agitated look. Irritated as usual by my short temper, i will often make harsh decisions for the sake of killing time. Despite my temper, my Mom has been well equiped to withstand the pressure of my foul weathering. Again, im thankful.

Like my previous trip to Australia, i brought quite a huge sum of money. Im shocked to see so much cash. Ironic that a spendthrift would be surprised to hold such an amount in his wallet. Well, i think i wont have the time and means to get it spent.

My luggage now lies in the living room, blended into the shadows like any other objects. With a lamp on, my book lies beneath it against my soft toy. Im thought of bringing a lamp over, just in case there are not enough lights. Then again, there is the problem of space. The book however must be brought over, just like the soft toy. The soft toy, furred with lifelessness, bears an unmeasurable value. It has been entitled the position of my reading companion in bed. Not featureless, despite its permenant expression. However, sometimes i feel that it empathises. Somehow, it shares some sense of emotion through my touch. Sometimes i would bring myself to believe that it is a magical creature, wreathed in fur.

It fell not from the heavens, but an earthly gift by a mortal angel. My skin flushes at the thought of its owner, the bearer of my torch. The best friend of my soul.

In a few hours time, i'll be off to bath and to don whateva i have prepared. I'll be off in a flight towards disappointment, which i was told. I hope to waste the time with most of what i can, to spend every wasted minute with consideration for everybody. Bless me a swift journey, and a happy home coming!

Paranoia

What started as an attempt of gentle confrontation on my part has become a full-blown argument. However, nothing matters now. I just need some friends to keep my company, to occupy my time and bring me far away from my thoughts. Distraction, thats what i need most when everybody doesnt. And that is my prescription.

Life has been unkind. Time has been dedicated mostly to wild thoughts and critical thinking. Amongst the latter, mostly has bewildered me quite often enough to cause serious hassling. I hate it deep into the core. I hate the frustration, dilemma, annoyance and nuisance. They are not plainly a pain in the neck, but a huge block of wood in the ass too. Therefore, the only cure which i have discovered would be what i mentioned earlier, distraction.

I think the only solution to my previous problem would be to leave Qinglun alone. There is no use talking to him. Im trying my best here, but with futile efforts it seems. When he is done feeling whateva he is feeling, he'll come talk to me. But, i wont be surprised that this day will never come. Or then, i wont be surprised even that it'll take a few months. By then, i'll be gone. I wont be surprised that i'll feel anything. Pot calling the kettle black, look who is the paranoid one! Well, if u're reading this, i suggest u flip back to the previous post too.

Do people apologise by shouting? Not necessary the volume, but in such a tone?

I wanna share abit about life recently. I'll be flying over to China within a few days time. Im as elated as im nervous. Firstly, i have no idea what to expect there. It'll be the first time im flying over to China to have a look at their conservatory of music. However, i do know the kind of reputation Xian Conservatory of Music has. Many do opinlate their impression of the conservatory. Experimental or not, we can look to it with open ears and probably be more welcoming of such creations. Personally, i do not know them enough to pass any comments. Judgemental as i may be, but reasonable. In fact, everybody is judgemental. To say one person biased is another's biased judgement. Foolish to think so righteous about oneself when one passes judgemental comments so freely.

Sorry that im getting somewhere out of point. Because im suddenly reminded of a few incidents. And i feel injustice to what happened. Nevermind, lets just let it drop for now.

Anyway, i have to play a piece with them for a concert. I can expect the least from the performance, and probably more showers of negative comments plus a few burning hot juicy gossips. Whateva it may be, im more concerned now with other issues. The concert will be held before my concerto concert with CSCO.

I bought a few books recently. Im hooked to TerryBrooks. However, the devices he used on his previous books are used again in quite an obvious manner in the one im currently reading. While im merely a sixth done with the book, i already bought another trilogy to occupy myself. In fact, the one im reading now aint a trilogy, it has four books. I love thick books! And i love trilogies, only when they're all in one single volume! Its cheaper anyway.

Many people wish to borrow my books, but honestly, i have no idea how to reject them. Why? Because i treat my books as a personal item. If i were to lend it, i cannot trust anybody else to treat them the way i do. Will they take care of it like i do? Will it end up tattered and torn? No. I dun think that they'll leave it under the wind and the sun. But, if it happens to be damaged, will they buy me a new book? If they do, then the personal touch to it will be lost as well. That'll be sad. And it will not be easy on my part to ask for a new book from a friend. How easy isit for u to ask them to pay for damages? Everybody will just overlook it, though they do realise what a grief mistake.

I wish not for these. Therefore, i hope not to even try from the start. Meaning, i dun wish to lend any books. U know what? I treat my CDs as personal items too. Books and CDs are the only resources which people are eyeing for. I know its never a good feeling to lend people something. For me, it depends on what it is. Money is fine, because i only lend my trusted friends. Well, sadly one has proven ill for three years.

Choir practices are mentally and physically stressing. Its draining me of my voice and my strength. Worse of all, when it leaves me mentally dead, i still do have the energy to wander my mind somewhere else. In the end, im left with nothing but fatigue, exhaustion and frustration. Last night, i went for supper with quite a few. Had fun talking, which released me of my weariness. U know how it feels when ur on the verge of exploding with unsolved miseries? Not mysteries, mind u.

I'll be flying off on Saturday, early in the morning. I have to reach the airport at 8 in the morning. I hope some of u can make it to send me off. Those who are going, lets have breakfast at the airport alright? I know its abit early! Love u all.

A few days ago, i woke up to find an Indian man sitting in my living room. Today, he opened my bedroom door. He painted my door frame, and now its permeated with the smell of it. Its still lingering in my room. Its horrible!

By the way, i lost weight during the holidays last year. This time, within just a few days of extreme eating, im almost back! Im back! Back to my previous spot. Back to square one. I really hope not for this, but eating is a way of venting anger too. And im really gaining weight again, help! Honestly, it doesnt matter. But its just annoying.

Devil's Whisper

Do read my previous few entries.

Qinglun says that im paranoid, always worrying about nothing. He feels awkward, troubled and irritated by me. He says that he cannot understand the sensitive thinking of mine. He says im contradicting. He says that im overly-sensitive. And of course, im too emotional.

I must agree with everything. But he does not understand why i act this way suddenly. In fact, i feel guilty to vent my anger on him at times, because he is always the generous and giving type. Im different, i must admit. I am stubborn, strong-minded, sensitive and petty. I sincerely apologised, but he thoughtlessly brushed and rejected it. He said that i dun have to be sorry. Thats the last i wanna hear. All these could end one way or another. If we were to sit down to talk and make decisions to our actions, maybe this will be solved in a much quicker way. Sadly, i've approached every problem this way, and it turns out that im fooled. He make promises which he's too quick to accept. He'll say happy words to cheer me, but then its not what will last. Sooner or later as i have predicted, another cold war will befall. Not surprisingly, it came again. Much colder than the previous everytime.

I have thought it through. I'll forgive everything if he'll just apologise for dismissing me. He doesnt understand, i just need an answer to every question. And i hate to put a comma between problems. I'll rather settle it once for all, then to pretend that it is solved.

Back in Sydney, i was left alone by two very good friends too. Well, as for that, i was disappointed how friendship can be cast into stone with a few simple incantations. In fact, i did not feel angry in any way. I put the matter to rest, and waited for their decision. I have no say in such matters. In fact, i could not do much myself. During that period, i was feeling as helpless as a puppy. Now, with problems surfacing from every direction, Qinglun being the main cell which offshoots my other problems. U know, sometimes when u have an issue that bothers u, u'll tend to get urself so emotionally involved that more problems would arise while u brainstorm for solutions.

It does happen to me when im feeling down. When im left alone, my mind wanders far into the wilderness. I'll get misunderstood by myself, hear the devil's whispers and cast my worries back into my mind. My mind is like the sea. So unpredictable at times, ranging from a calm windless day to a nimbus storm. I feel so tired about it, and i hunger for company.

When im with my friends, i'll talk and eat and shop. These methods do help me to occupy my mind. I'll tend to be distracted away from my circle of problems. I love it when im free from the shackles of endless issues. That day, i was feeling very down. Jessica gave me a call, and we went out for dinner.

She is the best person u would wanna talk to. She has an endless range of things to talk about. I will never feel bored around her. And theres bunch of interesting stories to hear and to share. Well, we stayed out for 5 hours. We went shopping, had dinner and headed to McDonalds for a drink. We chatted for a long time, and i bought her to my favourite soup. I hope she loves it as much as i do. She passed me my pay, which i gave to ChaiXia for helping me out when im not free. Well, everybody is happy and thats what matters most.

Im gaining weight again. Im eating! Help!

I'll be flying off to China next Saturday. I have no idea what to expect, and with Qinglun there, im not sure what might arise. I went out with Dedric today, and we talked about many things. We discussed about the trip, and i shared a glimpse of my problem with Qinglun. He has nothing good to say, as usual. But he knows our character, and by that, he'll favour me less. Well, i cannot deny like i mentioned. Im the problem, not anything else. I am the very problem which im trying to solve.

I need professional help. My mind is in a mess, and its turned inside out, trashed around like smashed watermelon. I feel really helpless, because nobody will understand what im feeling now with so many things happening all at once. Honestly, theres nobody i wanna share my thoughts with currently. Everybody is so busy, and i wish not to disturb anybody now.

Goodnight. I'll blog again before i fly off...

Bounded

A few days of sleepless nights has worn me much of my physical strength. I was being strapped by ropes which had dug deep gouges into my skin where blood coated my entire arm. Stripped from all comfort, i am to be left weathered and to die. Poised between an unconscience state, i knew that no sleep will ever befall me ever from where i am hanging. I was desperate for relief. Take me away, let me be joined with the others who has sacrificed under such fate. Take me with u, bear me with the wind.

Despite much that ive been through, i do not believe that with my scarred body and wrinkled face i have grown out a man of myself. In shocking reality, much to my despair, im a boy trapped in time from my aging body. My mind has been whipped incessantly with emotional fears and worries often enough that my only nemesis left in this world is my pessimism. My adversary, my guide and my only friend turns out to be my enemy.

I have locked myself away in padded rooms. Filled my visions with thoughts of mercy killing, self-immolation and sorts. Fed with a farrago of hatred and disgust, the urge of putting out my own misery send tears down my cheeks. At times, i dig my nails deep into the metal earth. Seeking to create an exit out of my emotional ambush, yet undoubtedly seeming impossible with the metal surfaces as smooth as before. Bleeding from my efforts, i have often resolved to deafen myself with the impounding silence. It confines me at a corner. Its fingers, dark and cunning, quietly enwrapping me in my nightmare of thoughts. Trapped within myself, hungrily seeking a way out, i lay at a corner with empty eyes staring into space. Emotionless, i stare deep into the air, as if into a place beyond the reaches of sight. As if to cut a piece of the void from where i laid.

My presence and my existence seems of no importance to anybody. My disappearance created no shroud of mystery. In a matter of fact, it seems inevitable. It has grown from an issue of awe to a wont. The truth is anything else but. I have withdrawn myself from society both spiritually and emotionally. Physically present at times, ocassionally mentally on a voyage hunting for answers to my questions. Oblivious to anybody's awareness, i retreated into the engulfing darkness which promises rest for the heavy laden.

Tricked. A fool who sets foot in uncharted ground with nothing eventually goes astray. Eventually, dies. Far-off from where i had come from, i am lost and misled blindly into the shadows. Deeper into the unmapped, i become solitary and helpless. I am cut off from all help. The silence frustrates me. I was left with myself to talk to. And that is the most dangerous moment when loneliness conquers over u.

Hearing my own defeat, i refused to believe so despite my attempt to cover my ears. To no avail, my voice rang deep inside my head, occupying my mind and leading my thoughts with plainly one duty. To torture myself, i thought. I walked the lightless path. Aimlessly, my surrounding never changes, and it seemed that i might possibly be walking in circles. When all things seem to fail, miracles do find its way into ur heart. Hopes dashed before my eyes, knowing that nothing can save me from my fate, it seemed almost impossible that i saw that i saw. Seemingly deceptive, probably a mirage. I hastened my pace.

I found an empty wall. Cropped out of the middle of nowhere. Curious as i was, i laid my hands on it. The surface rippled like a stone thrown to disturb the calm water surface. I realised then what i must do, though still mentally unsound and unaware of consequences. I couldnt care less. I stuck my head slowly through the wall, fearing that i might be suffocated from what may be at the other side. From behind, the wall appears to be solid hard as my fingers grip hard against its face.

I could not rub away the shock from my face. I was looking through the wall into my own bedroom. I was home. I stepped through and landed just beside my bed. The wall behind me closed shut like a healing wound. Soon, there was no evidence that anything ever happened in the room. I was still recovering in shock when i realised that things were slightly different. I glanced through the room and believed that i might be in the past. A few photos and books gave hints so. Only through the wall i found a place of belonging, but not of the present. It did not matter any longer, for that i needed rest.

Soon, what i stepped across was more than i could bargain for. A cloaked form, concealed behind its hoods, came to me during my sleep. He woke me and persuaded me with his soft voice to follow him. Still shaking off the sleepiness, i got to my feet and felt myself dragged across the floor with no friction upon my feet. Strangely, i found warmth in his words. When we reached a larger chamber down a flight of stairs, he turned around to face me. I could sense eyes staring at me behind his cowl. It felt as it i was torn apart through and through. His gaze fixed upon me and stirred an uneasiness which caused the world around me to swirl.

I must have blacked out for some time. For how long, i could not tell. There was no windows which may suggest the time of day. There were candles laying about me which were never there before. Dimly lit, the figure has decided to left me hanging by ropes. I could not feel my arms, and every muscle ached with every slightest movement.

I have walked blindly into a trap which i lay now. Helplessly begging for my life to seep away into the night. As i lift my heads upward to stare skyward, i realised that the ceiling above me is made of glass. Through it, the stars shone and blinked dimly. Dwindling as my lids could no longer lift open my eyes. I close my eyes and wander off. I lick my dry lips to prevent it from cracking and sticking. I swallowed hard agains my parched throat. Deep inside, everything is churning.

'QingLun, you win' were the words i lipped before shutting myself off into the darkness. Shadows and shades swallowed me whole. I was left naked and bare.

This I Pray

It might be the fatigue or probably the boredom. Discounting my only solution of releasing emotional tension through blogging, i thought that it would be wise to be vocal. However, it was anything else but.

Im surprised, more than happy, to know that people do still 'accidentally' read my blog entries. Mostly claiming their interest in improving or exploring new grounds for the way of expressing onself through my command of the language. I hope that people do come, no matter from what problems that shakle them, for a solution or to sympathize. Some may encounter similar predicaments as i do, while some may have gone through what i may be going through currently. It does not matter who or what brings u here. The main thing is that i hope it does benefit anybody somehow or another.

They say its not always possible to tell somebody's state of mind from the way they look. U have no idea what they are thinking or might be going through emotionally. Its confusing how different applications may be running at the same time.

From my personal experience, i think expressing oneself most honestly is blatantly stupid. One must show, but yet hide certain feelings. However, expressing onself is a common way of communicating. Who says that communication must involve words? It involves in fact not just words, but certain words. Its called metalanguage. Despite words and phrases, the body language is also strongly involved in the process of communicating or conveying messages. I see mostly from facial expressions and certain important words which brings about my own sense of judgement into deciphering codes which will enable me to understand or relate myself better with my friends. However, when all connections are cut away, theres no way to understand anything from them.

Recently, this is exactly how i felt. I wish not to bring it up again. I'll just let the matter fall, fallow and when i come back to it some other day, which i will have to, lets see what it has become of. If u plant a seed, water it with tears and watch it grow slowly, struggling to seek for sunlight and suffering for survival, then it will be empathetic to end its misery.

These few days are packed filled with rehearsals and performances. My schedule is jumbled and disoriented. I have no time for my Pipa. I believe i'll start my rehearsal for my concertos very soon. However, i havent got the time to run through my own concerto yet. And worse, this March, we'll be flying over to China. As u may know by now, i'll be performing for some concert which involves the XiAn Conservatory of Music. Im still confused about the details. Im not sure who will accompany my solo, but it does not really matter who. I just wish to know whether ive to complete learning the piece before flying to China. Of course i have to, undoubtedly. But, within such a short period, i wont be ready any time soon.

I must be strong. My will has grown a sprout amongst my shame. I will prove myself strong willed and healthy minded about things. I'll let whateva that bothered me pass, and look ahead for what awaits in the future. I shall not let the anger linger inside me. Instead, i shall let it slip by with a smile. When something is over, lets not walk around it and dream even of a solution. Just let it lie there, do not disturb whats history. Im currently doing quite well. I have carefully planned and tested myself for the power of my will. It has proven itself formidable at the moment. What will come to pass shall come to pass. Im not a seer, but i see shrouds of doubts ahead of me. A haze of confusion will befall and i will be lost in its maze. Yet, there will be one that will clear the cloud which envelopes me from deep within. And there will be a few obstacles which will challenge my will, to wear me down emotionally. I will never come to a halt, i will make my progress despite the mist or haze. In the darkness, i shall have my will as a guide, a dimly lit lamp, and i shall walk out of its shadows. Feeling strong and determined, no words shall discourage me. Let my friends be there with me, as i venture deep into somewhere to seek for new hope. Let someone interfere into my life as i dream of detouring from my current course. Let it flow along in a vessel, where i lay my trust and faith.

Take the wheel, it is yours.

The Wall And I

Throughout my entire life, only on screens have i seen how love can bring two people together. But then again, its on screen when i see how it can tear them apart into shreds. In this life, i was made believed that relationships never work. The perfect example brought me undesirable memories and shaped my childhood. It worked in me, sluggish at first, but as age settles upon me, the shroud before my eyes abated. I see things clearly as how they will become, not how they first appear. Of course, the guide books. And you're reading them? It shows much in the understanding of how a relationship works in this century. I cannot disagree that those few pages of psychological brainwash would bring u eventually, after a few years, into a perfect relationship that u dream about. Well, whether it'll be accomplished in ur dreams or in ur lifetime, they're all filled with social fabric. Manmade and fake, whateva u might wanna call them. I call them artificial.

I am not certified as a human relations practitioner. However, im qualified as a huma, though people around me seldom treat me as one. I am somebody with little wits and memory. Much of the latter has been embedded unwillingly, while the other gone with my frivolous conduct. I have bad memory, and im quite sure i did not lose my temper somewhere else where i shouldnt. And i must admit, im not taking my medication seriously. For if so, i would not have committed much frightening deeds. Sometimes, i scare myself. Im scared.

I have some explosive issues. If i could control my anger, i would not have caned my maid when i was young, pushed some idiot bastard down the stairs, sprayed paint at the same bastard, tore my Chinese textbook when i did not wanna study, skipped school during my exams, smacked an Indian boy in the face with my science textbook, broke someone's nose, poured coffee over somebody's head, thrown somebody's bag around in the classroom while shouting, screamed at my Mom, refused to visit my Dad for a year till he was diagnosed with cancer, chided my friends for hiding my bag, sent horrible messages to people im fed up with, cursed some musician for the rest of her life till she dies a horrible death, thrown my cousin's mattress out of the house and locked him outside, bit my cousin till he bled when we were fighting during our primary school days and lastly, i would not have blogged such nonsense over the net for others to speculate.

Sounds too much for u to imagine probably. I have such anger issues, which would surface once in a blue moon when im pushed too hard against the wall. Well, thats me. This is WeiKang.

I am very sad.

I have never believed in relationships ever since a year ago. But, ive turned to friendship for companionship and fellowship for company and comfort. Many a times, sitting around in a circle and chanting gibberish and gossips will lighten up my day. When i feel lonely, i have a few friends to rely to. Of course, friendship comes both ways.

However, at times, i feel that ive been treated like shit and waste. As long as it brings a smile, i'll be willing to do anything to cheer my friends. Sometimes, its abit too much. Much of the time, i'll sit around waiting and stand around idling for nothing. What im going to say tonight does not apply to all my friends. I must thank them for being there most of the time when i needed them.

Best friends are really hard to define nowadays. What comes between good friends is love. Mutual respect and brotherly love most probably. I am dishonoured and striped off this priviledge. It shatters my heart to realise how naive ive been. Have u ever wished for equal treatment? Everybody does. Only fools who are crazy in love would do anything to just see that girl, or just smell her hair and stuff. Thats crazy bullshit. Im in a normal friendship, i just hope that my questions are answered and my answers appreciated.

Sometimes, im afraid to keep calling, because i dun wish to be deemed irritating or hounding like a horny dog. I just need some reply. Fine, i wait for a response which will usually come after an hour or sometimes, not at all. I have a wall as a friend. I talk to a wall everyday, thats what im told, joke aside, i think its quite true.

It brings tears to my eyes to realise things so late. Im very stupid. Probably im thinking too much. Well, i believe so. It has been proven once and again and again. If things like that happens so many times, the problem lies only in me and not in other people. But i dun understand why isit my fault that i care? My concern as pesky questions, my care as unnecessary attention. Now, i just wanna give myself a pathetic attempt of laughing.

Im not surprised that the situation has turned its back on me. Now, im like the crazy woman scolding the world and walking around with my head shivering and whole body limping about. Im the crazy one now. Great. Fantastic.

Once, twice, and im still getting bitten. Never shy, thats my biggest flaw. This kinda fights happened many times, and its resolved in the most friendliest manner imaginable. Laughs, jokes and big talks. Well, im grateful for the good times, but if one cannot provide the cat with food everyday, they should just leave the cat be. Dun come treat me like a rag doll. When ur happy, u come play with my and have tea parties. When ur not, u tear my hair and throw me aside. Im sick of playing and adapting to different moods. Sometimes, i get a treat, at others, i get mostly a bruise. If ur happy with it, im fine.

But, what makes me happy? Sharing. I love to sit down and share things. Talks, food, ideas or even playing. U cannot believe it how simple things can make me happy. When i was young, im always alone, and brought up to watch my Mom cry and my Dad scorn. Im not going to state how pathetic my life is, because it is not. There are others out there with 'real' problems. Im just rebuking because im not feeling fine. Im as simple as that.

Anyway, i sat at Bugis today and just waited blindly for twenty minutes. For what? I really dunno! I really dunno! Shit, what was i doing? Im sad im not in the priority list of my friends. So, ive to play thick skin to ask where they're going and if i can go. Im shameless! Forget it. Now to think of it, im really fucking stupid. Im not that pathetic. I have to hear of such things in an open conversation which does not even involve me. Im pathetic. Thanks alot.

Im embarrassed to the core now.

I quit. Im not going to be there to just entertain and help all the time. I ask if they're alright all the time, asking them hows their day. I wanna learn how my friends are, how they think. Some people will shut me up by just ignoring me. Fine, thats what friends are for. And they dun come asking me about my day. I have to vomit my accounts everyday to an empty white wall.

Now i feel so guilty. Im being so bad to somebody who treats me so well. I dun think i should say anymore. Im just utterly disappointed in myself.

Anyway, dun start treating my differently. Im accustomed already to such treatments. Im used to it. I think it affected me and it changed me.

Me and my very best friend, the wall.

Dynamo Resolution

I know its too late to beef about it. 2007 is gone like a snap, a blink or whateva u want it. This is my first blog entry, and overlook with the trumpet fanfairs, i'll keep it simple. Why? Simply, im playing low budget this year.

I wanna grouse about the moments in 2007, which should be remembered and not forgotten so coolly, and it will be thoughtful to spare a thought, obviously, for these special moments which chalked up the decision to embark on my journey of 2008. Swimmingly, its times like these which brings a smile at the end of the day. U know, when everything seem to go badly and u have to clamber through the everyday hurdles. Despite the sweat, u'll just lay ur head back, cast back ur thoughts, and wonder... what a wonderful world.

What creates this delusion? Its no other than the blunders of life. I call them, my dear friends.

2007 has been an important year. Early this year, i signed myself up on the parchment for voluntary suicide. But then again, suicides are free-willed anyway. Thats not the point. The gist is that it was offered to me, actually more like an obligation than a request, and i willingly took it. I had quite an experience, making new friends and exposing myself to a different side of arts. Friends, which i cant even sure whether to call them that, spare on the unloyal and untrusting part, i must admit that im distrustful and unwilling to confide to name them as friends. Well, but even so, i cant come up with a name for this group of people. Yes, i'll just call them dancers.

By now, some may have guessed what im ranting about. Its the performance with the dance department. Dun get me wrong though. I should make this clear, i have had a very good time playing with them. The performances were alright, though on my part, i cannot be less satisfied already. Therefore, once its over, i took my bow and smiled my way off the stage. Surprisingly, they even asked me to perform with them again for a Malaysian Dance Festival in Kuala Lumpur. Unfortunately, i managed to find something in my schedule to give it a miss.

Well, what else can it be? Its the gem of 2007, my trip to Sydney! It was on tenterhooks, the suspense over the drawn out weeks were just strangling me. Ive prepared my trip well this time, studying and getting to know dear Sydney over the net and books. I must say that when the plane landed, my breath was caught still. When we took the coach around the city, everything, from the signs and buildings, just looked so familiar. U know, like deja vu. Somehow, it feels like home, ive been there before and a many times. The boldness and closeness of Sydney made me feel so at home, i even knew the places and history of it before it was mentioned to us. The liberty and serene, still freshly embedded in my memory, left such a great impact and impression that im almost certain that i'll one day make Sydney my true home. But well, too early to dream about it, forget about even thinking.

Ive made and lost friends at Sydney. If its destiny, i believe i cant do much to shape it. Although, i do believe that theres always a fair trade for pleasure. The truth is, i doubt about the fairness of it all.

The competition was great, and for the first time, i felt so elated on stage. Not forgetting the competition back then in Esplanade, which i held celebrations on early 2007. The medal is beside me, ever watching over me when i sleep. Did i mention about the dust? Nevermind, lets not spoil the mood.

After coming home, seeing my friends again, i felt so old. Its as if ive been gone for almost a year! Thats the difference 9 days made, and its not the 9 days, its Sydney. Yes, thats the answer. Time fly so elegantly over there, while time in Singapore rots away into air and leaking passively from my clock. I was excited to see my friends, fearful that some might be greying or living in the homes. What? Its only 9 days, come on!

Year 3 started out well and smooth like a free fall. Of course, there were its ups and downs. But, overall, it went pretty well for us all, especially for me... somehow. Classes were little, i had plenty of time to myself. Skeptical about the stress, but it turns out that its worthwhile, wasnt it? Honestly, i have to admit that i seriously enjoy DrTan's classes. Call me wierd, but i have actually developed a healthy growth for history. Remember how we use to suffer the pain of this brain tumour caused from excess history homework by DrKan? That disorder has been cured, but somehow still there, only not baleful any longer. She has her ways, nobody is perfect. But she is!

Alright cut the jokes. Believe me, though u might think im lying, but i was really worried for my results. My result slip came a few days late, when everybody was busy wagging their tongues about their good scores while bad ones try to avoid them, i was worrying over mine because of the late arrival. Before i made a call over, my cousin came upstairs with this letter for me. Well, its kinda big, and i knew it before i saw it. It was my results! The form for the school fees were here earlier by two days, which was really stupid. They should bring in the good news, before asking for money! Bad business skills.

I was surprised and certainly enraptured. I was elevating into the sky, afraid that i would disappear into thin air, which seems kinda impossible, i came right back down and told Mom about it. She was glad, not happy. Its hard to explain, just kinda typically my Mom. I scored 3 'A's and 5 'B's. Firstly, the first thing which would capture ur attention would be ur principal study, wouldnt it? Well, that was one of the 'A'. I was shocked that my Counterpoint scored an 'A' too. With a straight record of 'D's for Harmony over the years, its really quite a gigantic cherry for an 'A' on Counterpoint, considering myself a genuine failure in Maths. Lastly, my Vocal and Instrumental Teaching scored an 'A'. Well i deserved that! I vomitted day and night with so much sweat and blood. The effort shows. But im kinda disappointed for a 'B' for my History. Lets just say that i cried out shit for it. Well, its alright, i am very happy.

Recalling what DrTan said, this could be my peak period. Im so dead.

My birthday celebration was fun. We celebrated together and headed to Orchard for some fun. I love the presents of course, and how sincere of Audrey to create this very beautiful... thing for me. I dunno whats it called. And thanks to Mark, Christoven and SiHan for the book. Lastly, thanks to QingLun for my new companion. Good food and good music ensures a good time.

Christmas was plain though. Went out with Jessica that day, and i asked SiHan along. He was feeling wierd though, but it turned out alright. And did i not mention about NoiseSingapore? Well, it was hell of an experience. Working with others isnt something new, but somehow, it seemed different at Noise. Had good and bad times, but like 2007, it brought a smile at the end of the day. Only disappointed to hear some bad comments at the end of everything. But the greatest thing of this project was to know Jessica and learn many new things from her. She is a good mentor, did i mention about the glamour and allure? Not here, next time. And yes, how can i forget? SiHan would remember too. The climax of the day ends with this underwear situation. Well, Jessica and i solved it. Lucky us.

Headed out with Mark, Christoven and Samuel for New Year celebration. Ate by the river, and had a good view of the fireworks, which lasted for eight minutes... i think. It was good view, and probably the best seat too. The table next to ours were really high. It must be drugs. They were noisy like a hundred grenades exploding together, or one by one, they were very enthusiastic, to put it on a lighter note. It was fun! We stayed out late, and had fun over at Mind Cafe. I know, what a place...

It was fun, and i intend to go there some other time. Anyway, its important to see who ur going with. Imagine going there with someone really boring, i'll die. That day, it was perfect. Just nice.

U know what is the worst thing? Remembering people who does not pay u back what they owe u. Worse, for 2 years. I hate to say this, but i have to bitch. Fairul is a disappointing friend. Disappointed in me, or me in him, or vice versa, i dun really care anymore. Im removing this person off my list. Firstly, for being so cajole and candid, probably is the only thing that made him stay in my smiling list. Secondly, his perspective on money can never be changed. He once borrowed money from others to go clubbing. I mean, look, ur in debt, and this indebtedness will shackle u forever if it becomes a habit. Im sure it has already evolved into that stage, especially at such a young age. But well, people like that, Samuel would recall when we're in the toilet, hearing this group of young people talk about money like some blockade to fun and pleasure. Of course! But have they ever though about what is the material, sadly, which brings them the fun that the pursue. In fact, i got my grape and im telling u its sour. My term for fun involves low cash involvement nowdays. Better if they're free. As for others, the journey to high upkeep with low resources has just begun.

If ur reading this, u might also consider the fact that im actually talking about u. No hiding from the truth. If one lies to himself, its unfortunate that the lie would be louder than others to be believed. However, pride is always the earpiece which blocks the drums. I admit that ive walked out from the pits of pride and avarice.

Say bye to dirts no more, get Dynamo. Thats my resolution, which maps out a few other secrets. Enjoy.