Overtaxed

Emotionally tired.

These few days, im sorting out my thoughts and emotions. It seems to me that i might have overthought or over-reacted in several ways. Somehow, i think the line that should have been drawn clearly from the start has faded into dust. This chalk of friendship draws a perfect line, but wheneva one or another crosses over, something unpredictable will take place. Of course, who wouldnt wish for that consequence to be positive. But, reality always stays out of the television. The screen, thats where fiction lies, but in our world, there are no music at the background, no romantic story lines that'll pull through merely 2 hours. Not as dreamy as the movies get, in ur world, which is mine, everything flies slowly, painfully and eternally. No happy everafter princesses, its time for a wake up call.

Im not sure, probably we do not treat one another equally. U know, its impossible to get equal treatment even in Singapore. What makes friendship, relationship or courtship or Titanic any exception? Well, i must admit though that i know what im doing is wrong and probably hurtful on my side, i cant help it! U know its human instincts, or i should say that its embedded deep inside our genes. Its what makes us us! Read that again. Its what makes us us! I know u wont read it, so i typed it out for u to read again. My point is, though we know that we have bad habits, we just cant help it. Somehow, this knowledge of being able to percieve right and wrong does not infuse together with our brain that its what we are doing, or not. People stay away from jumping off the building, because they're afraid and they dun wish to, its not because they know its wrong. I think theres abit of this and that, its a welter of all these debatable things. Well, im not gonna touch on it any further, i'll rest the case here.

Physically tired.

These few weeks, ive been traveling about. I take the train myself, the bus and fortunately, sometimes my Mom fetches me to school. Well, carrying the Pipa is one heavy duty chore for me. How i wish i had played the flute, fiddle, recorder, one-hole one inche pipe, or whateva! But im glad i started out with the Pipa, which enabled me to stand out for a period. I must admit where im standing and where im heading. My time is up, and its not even a golden age of my performance. I have to see it that it'll never come. Therefore, ive shifted my attention to something else now, which my teacher has shone some light for my path. He is my guide, my lamp and my shelter. For now, ive a new glow to reach for. Im like a wandering fly, flittering from lamps to lamps. How i wish im a butterfly though. Despite so, i bet i'll become a moth instead. I better be glad that im a fly then! This leads me on to another burden to care for.

I managed to complete my history work finally! Im so happy, i almost wanted to congratulate myself by calling myself on the phone. Well, i sent an email to DrTan, asking if my resume on ChenYi is acceptable. She said its alright to continue, thus i completed my other resume on ToruTakemitsu. He is the most troublesome crap on earth! He had so much accomplishments in his life! So many pieces with wierd names, Japanese, English and all. I had to type all that amount of crap! I had to go through his dateline, which is definitely longer than ChenYi obviously, because he is a dead man! ChenYi's was hard enough, and i didnt expect ToruTakemitsu to do this to me. How could he?

Well, im shagged. U know, typing is tedious work for the tendons. Im so tired, stressed and even now, after completing, im undergoing post-completion stress. And moreover, while doing work, often i would have MSN nudges and stupid questions coming about. Its not irritating, but at times when i put myself as 'busy', which seldom occurs at all, i really mean to be cast into solitude and left alone forever till im done.

Psychologically tired.

So many of these problems, such as work, friendship, peers, activities, gossips and politics, are driving me up against the wall. If im a dog, i can jump over. Too bad... But good thing im not, or else i'll never be able to learn how to cope with such distress. Anyway, im vulnerable these few weeks, due to such psychological wounds. I must admit that ive been on a bad mood, flaunting my black face. But come on, u guys seldom see it, its rare and precious thus for times like this. I must apologise to people like SiHan, Christoven, Mark, QingLun and whoeva else who i might have offended, even though i think im right even if i did, and please forgive and forget. Thats what u guys should do, though i think im still right! I dun do forgiveness, its not my thing.

Im so joking! Well, lets just let it go.

Musically tired.

My ideas are running dry. Somehow, we have to replenish our music well. In us, there is this well, where it contains all the musical exposure, knowledge, experience and ideas. For me, ive been rather preoccupied with my personal life, so much so that ive been neglecting musical activities around me. CSCO is taking a break now, because SCO is currently in China. And Mike Chiang is getting the permit from the composer for my concerto. Now, im kinda giving up hope on the concerto, because im afraid. I got to be honest with u guys, my performance has been rather down the drain and deep into the canal and finally into the reservoire. Its gone. I cant find the mood to practice, or i cant find the right mood to do anything related to music. I think ive been into music for too long... i should take a break and head for something else. U know, ive been studying other things just a few months back, and the main purpose is actually to break free away from music. I ventured into the studies of human behaviour, body language, talk language, bits and pieces of psychology and now im reading about human relations. Even so, i still find myself emotionally attached with music, and i seriously need a break. I wanna go to Antartica alone. I wanna hunt polarbears and i wanna cook my own seal stew. How i wish...

Mentally tired.

U know whats in my head now? Words, words and trains of words. Almost like Elmo singing the alphabet song non-stop for a medley 24 hours a day. Make it 25! After completing my history portfolio, my mind is constantly talking to itself, reflecting and evaluating sentences and ideas critically from the internet and books. The problem is that, everything in the internet is so disorganised! I hope by typing, i can strenghten my tendons... because im feeling some physical stress now. Anyway, ive to browse all over the internet, combine ideas and sentences, and finally finding and sorting out sentences to make sure all the facts are there. Somehow, now to think of it, its not plagiarism as long as i credit them! I better not think of anymore loopholes... im mentally tired man.

Aurally tired.

My teacher passed me a few records. They're pretty cool, with pieces of Beethoven and Mozart. They're symphonies, because they're particularly more colourful and stuff. So, after listening to Mozart. I hated it! It makes me feel stupid. Im drawn to Beethoven's musical coloration, which leans slightly towards the dark side. Its serious, emotional and it reflects much of himself in his music. Mozart has that trait too, thats why its so stupid! Im aurally tired, i cant hear anything anymore. My mind is busy talking, and my ears are busy listening. But what goes through my ears comes out from the other side, or sometimes the nose, i just cant remember what ive heard! I need to refresh myself. In fact, for today, i did not open any music to go along with my typing concerto. So, today, its just me, the player, typing the keyboard, which is the instrument, for a solo typing piece. It goes like... tap... tap tap tap tap... tap and tap. Its minimalistic and it has a 10 hour duration.

Blogally tired.

I dunno what that means. But i think im tired of blogging. Goodnight people!

A Lewd Woman

Im stressed.

Among the pressures provoking these distresses were the exiguous use of time, and the growing awareness that it will lead to unforeseen consequences. However, to think of it, without knowing beforehand what problems the latter would bring or otherwise, i will not have to worry so much, because i will not know also the results if i were to focus on my time management. In short, whateva there is in waiting for me, i fret not. Because, what may be, will be! Even shorter, i leave my fate in his hands.

Whose? Nevermind. Alright, her hands. Get it?

Let me touch on some other issues. Well, there are people out there who sells themselves too cheap. Such quotation would arouse doubt and uncertainty. Why? Because its spoiling the market, unless it is indeed not worth its price, which i feel so. Questionable isnt it when an acclaimed diamond is worth merely a hundred. Worse, if a self-proclaimed good quality gem stone at the same price. So, first u'll hesitate to believe the price of the diamond or, the quality of the rock. Either one, i think its both too cheap to be true. How do people sell themselves? Other than at the poultry, or some domesticated fowl collection like Geylang, people are hinting desperately for others to either date them, screw them or praise them. Thus, not literally being prostitute-like, im talking about a desperado. Despite the different names, what makes it a difference? Not much. Thus, categorised the same in such a world where people generalises chickens with ducks. Whateva u call them, i call them whores, for they make a whore of themselves, not anyone else.

As for bitches, thats a different case. I'll never attempt to discriminate bitches. Why? Because im so bitchy myself, i'll only welcome fellow bitches to my organisation of bitching bitches. So if u twitch whenva u get bitched, dun cry, because bitches have their reasons to bitch, just like whores have their reasons to whore about. Being desperate, thats theirs, as for bitches, being unhappy. Bitches are never happy, because they get screwed over and over again that they feel no justice acted upon these rapists. Not literal! Mind me not, im using metaphors to decode my thoughts. At times, i'll personify things. But anyway, it doesnt matter! So, if ur sad or angry over a my fuss, then i'll be glad to let u know that im elated, for that ur unhappiness brings about my opposite pole! My happiness comes from my bitching, which leads to the downpour of sadness and wrath into somebody's life. So, never feel ablazed over what i say, because if u should, ur making cheering me up. I dun think anybody would wanna see me smile, so lets just remain how we are, bitching and listening and coming out from the other ear. Thats the way it is.

Do i hear a bitch? Whose barking out there?

Im so joking. At this point, i hope people do follow up close. I know some will either just stone or salivate infront of his or her computer screen, trying hard to catch what i mean. I know, my words are like butterflies, springing out from ur screen and dazzling in ur room. Take a small net, to catch them one by one. If u were to be so impatient to just trap them all in one big net, u wont know how to enjoy every single beauty. Anyway, salivate is to drool. Dun pretend its not u!

No! Use the tissue!

Alright, i hope all is clean, or cleaner, now. Ive looked deep in Galadriel's mirror and i think i see something nasty. If u dun read LOTR, then ignore that sentence. In layman's term, i have a premonition that something aweful will happen soon. However, its fate is not entirely in my hands. Im joking! Of course it is! Well, u see, i knew that a task given to him will not be fulfilled, thus i gave it as a test. If he has the heart to remember, and to complete them, i'll be more than impressed. But, if he doesnt, my anticipation will turn out predictably unpleasant. Undoubtly, i hope for the best. Even in this way, i have to prepare for the worst. Lets wish that the best is yet to be.

I'll be more obvious. QingLun, remember to buy the SCO concert ticket for me before its all sold out! Friends that wish not for a battle, or to be caught in the bonfire, please enlighten him or remind him of his task. It is appointed to him, to him alone can this task be complete. Whateva befalls, i cannot say.

Alright, this blog has been quite a nightmare for many. As for myself, i think im rejuvenating well. My will was weary, my heart was heavy and my troubles were dense. Now, i've released a part of me back into this world. Into this digital realm, it shall stay and never return into its baneful state. Back into the shadows! Fall back into the nothingness that awaits u and ur master! Alright, no LOTR. It actually meant, goodnight.

Peripheral Vision

Ive been away. On a journey, far and wide i have traveled, and now i am back. Where have i gone, many would love to know, but yet much more would already expect what ive to say. I shall not throw more hints, or none to start with. Im finally done with Tolkien's book. He has brought my mind abroad over to unknown pastures and stretched my world of imagination beyond its scope. Far off has my mind wandered, yet lonely at times. However, im glad that i found myself someone who bought the same book, SiHan. Fortunately or unfortunately, i dun think he has gotten anywhere near me. I started off 2 weeks before he bought his, and i dun think 2 weeks would be enough for him to finish the book, for i think he is still bound in the first volume. Well, its good that he enjoys reading, slowly, so that he can absorb every word and probably some of their literal meaning. He thinks that Sam, Frodo and Boromir are gays.

Theres too much to explain, and i shant bother to vomit here, because i dun think many who reads would enjoy scruntinising my puke, to find abit of something for their awe. So, lets leave aside the story of Tolkien's.

How's life? Great. Im currently preoccupied with my history presentation, which has been 'postponed' forward. It was brought forward, due to some 'unknown' reason. So, i'll have a week now to complete my history presentation, also my vocal and instrumental teaching presentation which would be due on the same week. Did i say great or what? I talked over the phone with friends to check gather information for my presentations, made time for dinner and some friendly conversations too. From many, including Pearly, also known as LimChooLi, my dear teacher, and also SamuelWong, Anthea and ShuMin that i have gathered enough information, as i deem, for my presentation next week. Im well equipped! To war!

I had a good time performing with many people throughout this period. Bonds were made, friendship woven and new perspectives raised. Ive been running around with Rit quite often, performing with other fellow musicians. Firstly, i enjoyed my time at CentrePoint over at Orchard. We performed for 3 weeks, and our news was like a spark on dry leaves, spreading like a wild fire into ears of other fellow musicians. Many would gossip, as inevitably, and many would inquire much more. There was Rit, JiaBin, Joel and Jonathan who i worked with for that 3 weeks. There were misunderstandings, trouble and quite abit of upset. But overall, i believe it was an experience for all.

Jessica had a performance at Sentosa and she asked me over to watch. So i went over, and after which, i went to a recording session of her's. It was an experience for me, also on that day came along a journalist, Jane. I was interviewed, and its kinda fresh for me, because i seldom get questioned other than those from DrTan and DrKan. Anyway, along that same period of time, i went Sentosa quite often. My second trip was to perform with XianYang, BangHao and LaiShun for a hotel's event. It was pitched at the beach, very beautifully lit with many lights of different colours. It much resembled the festival of the seventh month. And my last trip there was with Rit, Moses and LeeNa, the YangQin player. We performed for a show for merely 10 minutes. The event was huge. Imagine the amount poured into the function. It was pitched by the beach, and the long stretch of road was laid with cones of candle. The whole beach was their's, and the tents were huge and it contained hundreds of tables. All of the guests were Caucasian, and the Asian dwelt in the kitchen, served the tables, danced and played. Well, just how the world should be, right? So, there were many performing groups, and its all filled with the diversity of cultures. The performances were enhanced by the pink, purple and brightly, yet not glaring, coloured lights. Moreover, the sound crew and the cameras were all very professional. It was the best experience to wrap up the day for my last Sentosa performance for the month. Thomas brought us in, and after that he fetched us out to Vivocity, where we had supper and met up with Moses' friend, Rosie. We had supper till late, and lucky for me, i caught the last bus home. Thanks to Iris, the new phone service which informs me of the arrival of the buses.

Edwin and i recorded a few pieces already. I invited him over to NAFA to record the pieces together, for that i thought he would have the facility in his school for us to use. Well, sometimes its beyond my thought and what i thought would be. I hope this turns out well. Cheers!

Hopes are dashed to and fro. Our friendship has been on the rocks, yet on meadows at most times. Well, im at a loss of words right now. I dunno what to say about it, though i do know what ive been telling myself. Theres a whole chunk of it stuck in my mind, its so loud and unbearable, yet silent when it comes to my mouth. I utter not the emotions, for i think its beyond words, and only beyond words can it save us now. Dark faces thrown here and there, and nobody can live in delight for such times. Though laughter and chilly jokes can mend gaps, its only temporal. If we were to freeze time, and cut them into different layers, maybe we can find much joy in our bond. Yet, reality strikes hardest. Guess that u only have peripheral vision.

Well, im back and yet theres so little for me to say. Mainly due to my attachment with my emotions, which i cannot find any suitable for words to decode. Theres too much going on inside, but yet the world revolves so slowly around the sun. Time flies, but yet living in its process, i doubt its moving at all.

Ive finished my book. Ive been eating up my time, reading away on my bed with a lamp. Often i would devour a few chapters before turning myself in. But often it'll haunt me in my dreams while i digest the story and the concepts inside. Even now, after reading through the book, i can only admit that some parts were merely scanned. Why? I read word for word, but i did not look deeper in his poetry. And i have not touched on his appendixes, and its bibliographic nature. By the way, much has been revealed to me, for i find so much truth in Tolkien's fiction. Thats the word, truth in fiction. Theres so much to relate to the real world. Saruman, the Ents, the Hobbits, the purpose of the Istari, Sauron and the Exiles.

Well, i encourage all to pick up this book. In fact, its selling for only $32 at Kinokuniya, for its the 50th anniversay edition, with all the three volumes in one, with also the index and appendixes. So, dun worry, get one now! Its kinda bulky, and sadly, mine is in a bad state now. I think it had gone through the war of the ring itself, probably kept in Sam's sack, and brought to the peril of Doom, and back to the Shire.

Whateva!