Bounded

A few days of sleepless nights has worn me much of my physical strength. I was being strapped by ropes which had dug deep gouges into my skin where blood coated my entire arm. Stripped from all comfort, i am to be left weathered and to die. Poised between an unconscience state, i knew that no sleep will ever befall me ever from where i am hanging. I was desperate for relief. Take me away, let me be joined with the others who has sacrificed under such fate. Take me with u, bear me with the wind.

Despite much that ive been through, i do not believe that with my scarred body and wrinkled face i have grown out a man of myself. In shocking reality, much to my despair, im a boy trapped in time from my aging body. My mind has been whipped incessantly with emotional fears and worries often enough that my only nemesis left in this world is my pessimism. My adversary, my guide and my only friend turns out to be my enemy.

I have locked myself away in padded rooms. Filled my visions with thoughts of mercy killing, self-immolation and sorts. Fed with a farrago of hatred and disgust, the urge of putting out my own misery send tears down my cheeks. At times, i dig my nails deep into the metal earth. Seeking to create an exit out of my emotional ambush, yet undoubtedly seeming impossible with the metal surfaces as smooth as before. Bleeding from my efforts, i have often resolved to deafen myself with the impounding silence. It confines me at a corner. Its fingers, dark and cunning, quietly enwrapping me in my nightmare of thoughts. Trapped within myself, hungrily seeking a way out, i lay at a corner with empty eyes staring into space. Emotionless, i stare deep into the air, as if into a place beyond the reaches of sight. As if to cut a piece of the void from where i laid.

My presence and my existence seems of no importance to anybody. My disappearance created no shroud of mystery. In a matter of fact, it seems inevitable. It has grown from an issue of awe to a wont. The truth is anything else but. I have withdrawn myself from society both spiritually and emotionally. Physically present at times, ocassionally mentally on a voyage hunting for answers to my questions. Oblivious to anybody's awareness, i retreated into the engulfing darkness which promises rest for the heavy laden.

Tricked. A fool who sets foot in uncharted ground with nothing eventually goes astray. Eventually, dies. Far-off from where i had come from, i am lost and misled blindly into the shadows. Deeper into the unmapped, i become solitary and helpless. I am cut off from all help. The silence frustrates me. I was left with myself to talk to. And that is the most dangerous moment when loneliness conquers over u.

Hearing my own defeat, i refused to believe so despite my attempt to cover my ears. To no avail, my voice rang deep inside my head, occupying my mind and leading my thoughts with plainly one duty. To torture myself, i thought. I walked the lightless path. Aimlessly, my surrounding never changes, and it seemed that i might possibly be walking in circles. When all things seem to fail, miracles do find its way into ur heart. Hopes dashed before my eyes, knowing that nothing can save me from my fate, it seemed almost impossible that i saw that i saw. Seemingly deceptive, probably a mirage. I hastened my pace.

I found an empty wall. Cropped out of the middle of nowhere. Curious as i was, i laid my hands on it. The surface rippled like a stone thrown to disturb the calm water surface. I realised then what i must do, though still mentally unsound and unaware of consequences. I couldnt care less. I stuck my head slowly through the wall, fearing that i might be suffocated from what may be at the other side. From behind, the wall appears to be solid hard as my fingers grip hard against its face.

I could not rub away the shock from my face. I was looking through the wall into my own bedroom. I was home. I stepped through and landed just beside my bed. The wall behind me closed shut like a healing wound. Soon, there was no evidence that anything ever happened in the room. I was still recovering in shock when i realised that things were slightly different. I glanced through the room and believed that i might be in the past. A few photos and books gave hints so. Only through the wall i found a place of belonging, but not of the present. It did not matter any longer, for that i needed rest.

Soon, what i stepped across was more than i could bargain for. A cloaked form, concealed behind its hoods, came to me during my sleep. He woke me and persuaded me with his soft voice to follow him. Still shaking off the sleepiness, i got to my feet and felt myself dragged across the floor with no friction upon my feet. Strangely, i found warmth in his words. When we reached a larger chamber down a flight of stairs, he turned around to face me. I could sense eyes staring at me behind his cowl. It felt as it i was torn apart through and through. His gaze fixed upon me and stirred an uneasiness which caused the world around me to swirl.

I must have blacked out for some time. For how long, i could not tell. There was no windows which may suggest the time of day. There were candles laying about me which were never there before. Dimly lit, the figure has decided to left me hanging by ropes. I could not feel my arms, and every muscle ached with every slightest movement.

I have walked blindly into a trap which i lay now. Helplessly begging for my life to seep away into the night. As i lift my heads upward to stare skyward, i realised that the ceiling above me is made of glass. Through it, the stars shone and blinked dimly. Dwindling as my lids could no longer lift open my eyes. I close my eyes and wander off. I lick my dry lips to prevent it from cracking and sticking. I swallowed hard agains my parched throat. Deep inside, everything is churning.

'QingLun, you win' were the words i lipped before shutting myself off into the darkness. Shadows and shades swallowed me whole. I was left naked and bare.

This I Pray

It might be the fatigue or probably the boredom. Discounting my only solution of releasing emotional tension through blogging, i thought that it would be wise to be vocal. However, it was anything else but.

Im surprised, more than happy, to know that people do still 'accidentally' read my blog entries. Mostly claiming their interest in improving or exploring new grounds for the way of expressing onself through my command of the language. I hope that people do come, no matter from what problems that shakle them, for a solution or to sympathize. Some may encounter similar predicaments as i do, while some may have gone through what i may be going through currently. It does not matter who or what brings u here. The main thing is that i hope it does benefit anybody somehow or another.

They say its not always possible to tell somebody's state of mind from the way they look. U have no idea what they are thinking or might be going through emotionally. Its confusing how different applications may be running at the same time.

From my personal experience, i think expressing oneself most honestly is blatantly stupid. One must show, but yet hide certain feelings. However, expressing onself is a common way of communicating. Who says that communication must involve words? It involves in fact not just words, but certain words. Its called metalanguage. Despite words and phrases, the body language is also strongly involved in the process of communicating or conveying messages. I see mostly from facial expressions and certain important words which brings about my own sense of judgement into deciphering codes which will enable me to understand or relate myself better with my friends. However, when all connections are cut away, theres no way to understand anything from them.

Recently, this is exactly how i felt. I wish not to bring it up again. I'll just let the matter fall, fallow and when i come back to it some other day, which i will have to, lets see what it has become of. If u plant a seed, water it with tears and watch it grow slowly, struggling to seek for sunlight and suffering for survival, then it will be empathetic to end its misery.

These few days are packed filled with rehearsals and performances. My schedule is jumbled and disoriented. I have no time for my Pipa. I believe i'll start my rehearsal for my concertos very soon. However, i havent got the time to run through my own concerto yet. And worse, this March, we'll be flying over to China. As u may know by now, i'll be performing for some concert which involves the XiAn Conservatory of Music. Im still confused about the details. Im not sure who will accompany my solo, but it does not really matter who. I just wish to know whether ive to complete learning the piece before flying to China. Of course i have to, undoubtedly. But, within such a short period, i wont be ready any time soon.

I must be strong. My will has grown a sprout amongst my shame. I will prove myself strong willed and healthy minded about things. I'll let whateva that bothered me pass, and look ahead for what awaits in the future. I shall not let the anger linger inside me. Instead, i shall let it slip by with a smile. When something is over, lets not walk around it and dream even of a solution. Just let it lie there, do not disturb whats history. Im currently doing quite well. I have carefully planned and tested myself for the power of my will. It has proven itself formidable at the moment. What will come to pass shall come to pass. Im not a seer, but i see shrouds of doubts ahead of me. A haze of confusion will befall and i will be lost in its maze. Yet, there will be one that will clear the cloud which envelopes me from deep within. And there will be a few obstacles which will challenge my will, to wear me down emotionally. I will never come to a halt, i will make my progress despite the mist or haze. In the darkness, i shall have my will as a guide, a dimly lit lamp, and i shall walk out of its shadows. Feeling strong and determined, no words shall discourage me. Let my friends be there with me, as i venture deep into somewhere to seek for new hope. Let someone interfere into my life as i dream of detouring from my current course. Let it flow along in a vessel, where i lay my trust and faith.

Take the wheel, it is yours.

The Wall And I

Throughout my entire life, only on screens have i seen how love can bring two people together. But then again, its on screen when i see how it can tear them apart into shreds. In this life, i was made believed that relationships never work. The perfect example brought me undesirable memories and shaped my childhood. It worked in me, sluggish at first, but as age settles upon me, the shroud before my eyes abated. I see things clearly as how they will become, not how they first appear. Of course, the guide books. And you're reading them? It shows much in the understanding of how a relationship works in this century. I cannot disagree that those few pages of psychological brainwash would bring u eventually, after a few years, into a perfect relationship that u dream about. Well, whether it'll be accomplished in ur dreams or in ur lifetime, they're all filled with social fabric. Manmade and fake, whateva u might wanna call them. I call them artificial.

I am not certified as a human relations practitioner. However, im qualified as a huma, though people around me seldom treat me as one. I am somebody with little wits and memory. Much of the latter has been embedded unwillingly, while the other gone with my frivolous conduct. I have bad memory, and im quite sure i did not lose my temper somewhere else where i shouldnt. And i must admit, im not taking my medication seriously. For if so, i would not have committed much frightening deeds. Sometimes, i scare myself. Im scared.

I have some explosive issues. If i could control my anger, i would not have caned my maid when i was young, pushed some idiot bastard down the stairs, sprayed paint at the same bastard, tore my Chinese textbook when i did not wanna study, skipped school during my exams, smacked an Indian boy in the face with my science textbook, broke someone's nose, poured coffee over somebody's head, thrown somebody's bag around in the classroom while shouting, screamed at my Mom, refused to visit my Dad for a year till he was diagnosed with cancer, chided my friends for hiding my bag, sent horrible messages to people im fed up with, cursed some musician for the rest of her life till she dies a horrible death, thrown my cousin's mattress out of the house and locked him outside, bit my cousin till he bled when we were fighting during our primary school days and lastly, i would not have blogged such nonsense over the net for others to speculate.

Sounds too much for u to imagine probably. I have such anger issues, which would surface once in a blue moon when im pushed too hard against the wall. Well, thats me. This is WeiKang.

I am very sad.

I have never believed in relationships ever since a year ago. But, ive turned to friendship for companionship and fellowship for company and comfort. Many a times, sitting around in a circle and chanting gibberish and gossips will lighten up my day. When i feel lonely, i have a few friends to rely to. Of course, friendship comes both ways.

However, at times, i feel that ive been treated like shit and waste. As long as it brings a smile, i'll be willing to do anything to cheer my friends. Sometimes, its abit too much. Much of the time, i'll sit around waiting and stand around idling for nothing. What im going to say tonight does not apply to all my friends. I must thank them for being there most of the time when i needed them.

Best friends are really hard to define nowadays. What comes between good friends is love. Mutual respect and brotherly love most probably. I am dishonoured and striped off this priviledge. It shatters my heart to realise how naive ive been. Have u ever wished for equal treatment? Everybody does. Only fools who are crazy in love would do anything to just see that girl, or just smell her hair and stuff. Thats crazy bullshit. Im in a normal friendship, i just hope that my questions are answered and my answers appreciated.

Sometimes, im afraid to keep calling, because i dun wish to be deemed irritating or hounding like a horny dog. I just need some reply. Fine, i wait for a response which will usually come after an hour or sometimes, not at all. I have a wall as a friend. I talk to a wall everyday, thats what im told, joke aside, i think its quite true.

It brings tears to my eyes to realise things so late. Im very stupid. Probably im thinking too much. Well, i believe so. It has been proven once and again and again. If things like that happens so many times, the problem lies only in me and not in other people. But i dun understand why isit my fault that i care? My concern as pesky questions, my care as unnecessary attention. Now, i just wanna give myself a pathetic attempt of laughing.

Im not surprised that the situation has turned its back on me. Now, im like the crazy woman scolding the world and walking around with my head shivering and whole body limping about. Im the crazy one now. Great. Fantastic.

Once, twice, and im still getting bitten. Never shy, thats my biggest flaw. This kinda fights happened many times, and its resolved in the most friendliest manner imaginable. Laughs, jokes and big talks. Well, im grateful for the good times, but if one cannot provide the cat with food everyday, they should just leave the cat be. Dun come treat me like a rag doll. When ur happy, u come play with my and have tea parties. When ur not, u tear my hair and throw me aside. Im sick of playing and adapting to different moods. Sometimes, i get a treat, at others, i get mostly a bruise. If ur happy with it, im fine.

But, what makes me happy? Sharing. I love to sit down and share things. Talks, food, ideas or even playing. U cannot believe it how simple things can make me happy. When i was young, im always alone, and brought up to watch my Mom cry and my Dad scorn. Im not going to state how pathetic my life is, because it is not. There are others out there with 'real' problems. Im just rebuking because im not feeling fine. Im as simple as that.

Anyway, i sat at Bugis today and just waited blindly for twenty minutes. For what? I really dunno! I really dunno! Shit, what was i doing? Im sad im not in the priority list of my friends. So, ive to play thick skin to ask where they're going and if i can go. Im shameless! Forget it. Now to think of it, im really fucking stupid. Im not that pathetic. I have to hear of such things in an open conversation which does not even involve me. Im pathetic. Thanks alot.

Im embarrassed to the core now.

I quit. Im not going to be there to just entertain and help all the time. I ask if they're alright all the time, asking them hows their day. I wanna learn how my friends are, how they think. Some people will shut me up by just ignoring me. Fine, thats what friends are for. And they dun come asking me about my day. I have to vomit my accounts everyday to an empty white wall.

Now i feel so guilty. Im being so bad to somebody who treats me so well. I dun think i should say anymore. Im just utterly disappointed in myself.

Anyway, dun start treating my differently. Im accustomed already to such treatments. Im used to it. I think it affected me and it changed me.

Me and my very best friend, the wall.