Some Birthday Indeed

Well, i had a great night with Audrey, Mark, SiHan, Christoven and QingLun, who joined us later. We had dinner and supper later at HardRock Cafe. Music's good and the night's fine. I had a wonderful gift from Audrey. And a cherry for the top of the night, a gift from QingLun, a CD player! Such an expensive gift... i wanted to return him back.

Anyway im speaking in such broken english now, because im just not in the mood to blog.

Recently, went to catch some concerts and hung out with friends. Recieved blessings and gifts and some are just not usable right now. Nevermind...

I bought some books. I wanna read them now.

See you.

Some Birthday

Somewhere there is a river, looking for a stream. Somewhere there is a dreamer, looking for a dream. Sometimes, people will wait forever just for a moment like this. Somehow, it feels not abit like how it should. Somewhat, the excitement is less than its expected. Somebody must be real sad tonight.

Something tells me that it is me.

Touche

Funny. The thing that makes the world go round, most known yet least understood. Many believe that they know what it means, how to define or break it down into something somehow simpler. However, it cannot get any simpler than it is. It is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired, which is the difficult realisation that something other than oneself is real. It is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, like a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath, which at night, the ice weasels come. It is sophistication itself, which complicates even the most simplest form of emotion. It is not blind, it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. Some live because of love, but then again, many die because of love. It is love, that we willingly smoke, though it is an exploding cigar.

It is the littlest thing that tickles my lips, pulling a thread on each side of my cheek. I cannot stop smiling when i think about it. Though for a brief moment, a flash of red and pink would just fill my vision. I have to shut up the denial part of me, though it is no theory or doctrine, but i have admit and realise what im going through.

Most people are judgmental. Actually, all of us are! Ask urself, what goes through ur mind when somebody makes a statement. Of course! U'll judge it. And by judging, it leaves only two option, which is to agree or to disagree. We are quick judges in our lives. We have our own point system, though it varies how from person to person, and we will give personal scores to people according to what they've done or said. We are critical with somebody else's work, but not ours. Why? Well, this is just wierd isnt it? I think the elaboration should be done urself, unless u would wanna judge my theory. Therefore, i'll always sacrifice a period everyday to reflect. Usually, it'll be the traveling period. So, i'll think and judge myself based on a third person's perspective. It works, though i dare not say a 100%.

Ive heard many remarks. Touche! Now, i think they're right. I took some time out to reflect and infer about myself. My thoughts and feelings are distance away, they do not tally at times. Why? Because i have an inner-self which speaks to me. It has covered my life with deceit and lies. Ive been lying to myself the whole time. And what i do to cover that up? Excuses. Im always finding faults and loopholes to shadow over my own problems. Honestly, im not very fast with words either. In fact, im not good in anything that i do! I think if i have some money, i'll go study something else overseas. Now, im being unrealistic. And probably again covering up my incompetence with excuses of financial insufficiency. Well, honestly, i think i can excel in studying human relations or behavior. But then again, i need to practice the skills myself in order to prove myself capable, which i cant. Then again... its never ending.

Why am i talking about these? Well, im sorry. I guess i went overboard. Well, im talking about love today.

So, love. What are you?

Goodnight.

Overtaxed

Emotionally tired.

These few days, im sorting out my thoughts and emotions. It seems to me that i might have overthought or over-reacted in several ways. Somehow, i think the line that should have been drawn clearly from the start has faded into dust. This chalk of friendship draws a perfect line, but wheneva one or another crosses over, something unpredictable will take place. Of course, who wouldnt wish for that consequence to be positive. But, reality always stays out of the television. The screen, thats where fiction lies, but in our world, there are no music at the background, no romantic story lines that'll pull through merely 2 hours. Not as dreamy as the movies get, in ur world, which is mine, everything flies slowly, painfully and eternally. No happy everafter princesses, its time for a wake up call.

Im not sure, probably we do not treat one another equally. U know, its impossible to get equal treatment even in Singapore. What makes friendship, relationship or courtship or Titanic any exception? Well, i must admit though that i know what im doing is wrong and probably hurtful on my side, i cant help it! U know its human instincts, or i should say that its embedded deep inside our genes. Its what makes us us! Read that again. Its what makes us us! I know u wont read it, so i typed it out for u to read again. My point is, though we know that we have bad habits, we just cant help it. Somehow, this knowledge of being able to percieve right and wrong does not infuse together with our brain that its what we are doing, or not. People stay away from jumping off the building, because they're afraid and they dun wish to, its not because they know its wrong. I think theres abit of this and that, its a welter of all these debatable things. Well, im not gonna touch on it any further, i'll rest the case here.

Physically tired.

These few weeks, ive been traveling about. I take the train myself, the bus and fortunately, sometimes my Mom fetches me to school. Well, carrying the Pipa is one heavy duty chore for me. How i wish i had played the flute, fiddle, recorder, one-hole one inche pipe, or whateva! But im glad i started out with the Pipa, which enabled me to stand out for a period. I must admit where im standing and where im heading. My time is up, and its not even a golden age of my performance. I have to see it that it'll never come. Therefore, ive shifted my attention to something else now, which my teacher has shone some light for my path. He is my guide, my lamp and my shelter. For now, ive a new glow to reach for. Im like a wandering fly, flittering from lamps to lamps. How i wish im a butterfly though. Despite so, i bet i'll become a moth instead. I better be glad that im a fly then! This leads me on to another burden to care for.

I managed to complete my history work finally! Im so happy, i almost wanted to congratulate myself by calling myself on the phone. Well, i sent an email to DrTan, asking if my resume on ChenYi is acceptable. She said its alright to continue, thus i completed my other resume on ToruTakemitsu. He is the most troublesome crap on earth! He had so much accomplishments in his life! So many pieces with wierd names, Japanese, English and all. I had to type all that amount of crap! I had to go through his dateline, which is definitely longer than ChenYi obviously, because he is a dead man! ChenYi's was hard enough, and i didnt expect ToruTakemitsu to do this to me. How could he?

Well, im shagged. U know, typing is tedious work for the tendons. Im so tired, stressed and even now, after completing, im undergoing post-completion stress. And moreover, while doing work, often i would have MSN nudges and stupid questions coming about. Its not irritating, but at times when i put myself as 'busy', which seldom occurs at all, i really mean to be cast into solitude and left alone forever till im done.

Psychologically tired.

So many of these problems, such as work, friendship, peers, activities, gossips and politics, are driving me up against the wall. If im a dog, i can jump over. Too bad... But good thing im not, or else i'll never be able to learn how to cope with such distress. Anyway, im vulnerable these few weeks, due to such psychological wounds. I must admit that ive been on a bad mood, flaunting my black face. But come on, u guys seldom see it, its rare and precious thus for times like this. I must apologise to people like SiHan, Christoven, Mark, QingLun and whoeva else who i might have offended, even though i think im right even if i did, and please forgive and forget. Thats what u guys should do, though i think im still right! I dun do forgiveness, its not my thing.

Im so joking! Well, lets just let it go.

Musically tired.

My ideas are running dry. Somehow, we have to replenish our music well. In us, there is this well, where it contains all the musical exposure, knowledge, experience and ideas. For me, ive been rather preoccupied with my personal life, so much so that ive been neglecting musical activities around me. CSCO is taking a break now, because SCO is currently in China. And Mike Chiang is getting the permit from the composer for my concerto. Now, im kinda giving up hope on the concerto, because im afraid. I got to be honest with u guys, my performance has been rather down the drain and deep into the canal and finally into the reservoire. Its gone. I cant find the mood to practice, or i cant find the right mood to do anything related to music. I think ive been into music for too long... i should take a break and head for something else. U know, ive been studying other things just a few months back, and the main purpose is actually to break free away from music. I ventured into the studies of human behaviour, body language, talk language, bits and pieces of psychology and now im reading about human relations. Even so, i still find myself emotionally attached with music, and i seriously need a break. I wanna go to Antartica alone. I wanna hunt polarbears and i wanna cook my own seal stew. How i wish...

Mentally tired.

U know whats in my head now? Words, words and trains of words. Almost like Elmo singing the alphabet song non-stop for a medley 24 hours a day. Make it 25! After completing my history portfolio, my mind is constantly talking to itself, reflecting and evaluating sentences and ideas critically from the internet and books. The problem is that, everything in the internet is so disorganised! I hope by typing, i can strenghten my tendons... because im feeling some physical stress now. Anyway, ive to browse all over the internet, combine ideas and sentences, and finally finding and sorting out sentences to make sure all the facts are there. Somehow, now to think of it, its not plagiarism as long as i credit them! I better not think of anymore loopholes... im mentally tired man.

Aurally tired.

My teacher passed me a few records. They're pretty cool, with pieces of Beethoven and Mozart. They're symphonies, because they're particularly more colourful and stuff. So, after listening to Mozart. I hated it! It makes me feel stupid. Im drawn to Beethoven's musical coloration, which leans slightly towards the dark side. Its serious, emotional and it reflects much of himself in his music. Mozart has that trait too, thats why its so stupid! Im aurally tired, i cant hear anything anymore. My mind is busy talking, and my ears are busy listening. But what goes through my ears comes out from the other side, or sometimes the nose, i just cant remember what ive heard! I need to refresh myself. In fact, for today, i did not open any music to go along with my typing concerto. So, today, its just me, the player, typing the keyboard, which is the instrument, for a solo typing piece. It goes like... tap... tap tap tap tap... tap and tap. Its minimalistic and it has a 10 hour duration.

Blogally tired.

I dunno what that means. But i think im tired of blogging. Goodnight people!

A Lewd Woman

Im stressed.

Among the pressures provoking these distresses were the exiguous use of time, and the growing awareness that it will lead to unforeseen consequences. However, to think of it, without knowing beforehand what problems the latter would bring or otherwise, i will not have to worry so much, because i will not know also the results if i were to focus on my time management. In short, whateva there is in waiting for me, i fret not. Because, what may be, will be! Even shorter, i leave my fate in his hands.

Whose? Nevermind. Alright, her hands. Get it?

Let me touch on some other issues. Well, there are people out there who sells themselves too cheap. Such quotation would arouse doubt and uncertainty. Why? Because its spoiling the market, unless it is indeed not worth its price, which i feel so. Questionable isnt it when an acclaimed diamond is worth merely a hundred. Worse, if a self-proclaimed good quality gem stone at the same price. So, first u'll hesitate to believe the price of the diamond or, the quality of the rock. Either one, i think its both too cheap to be true. How do people sell themselves? Other than at the poultry, or some domesticated fowl collection like Geylang, people are hinting desperately for others to either date them, screw them or praise them. Thus, not literally being prostitute-like, im talking about a desperado. Despite the different names, what makes it a difference? Not much. Thus, categorised the same in such a world where people generalises chickens with ducks. Whateva u call them, i call them whores, for they make a whore of themselves, not anyone else.

As for bitches, thats a different case. I'll never attempt to discriminate bitches. Why? Because im so bitchy myself, i'll only welcome fellow bitches to my organisation of bitching bitches. So if u twitch whenva u get bitched, dun cry, because bitches have their reasons to bitch, just like whores have their reasons to whore about. Being desperate, thats theirs, as for bitches, being unhappy. Bitches are never happy, because they get screwed over and over again that they feel no justice acted upon these rapists. Not literal! Mind me not, im using metaphors to decode my thoughts. At times, i'll personify things. But anyway, it doesnt matter! So, if ur sad or angry over a my fuss, then i'll be glad to let u know that im elated, for that ur unhappiness brings about my opposite pole! My happiness comes from my bitching, which leads to the downpour of sadness and wrath into somebody's life. So, never feel ablazed over what i say, because if u should, ur making cheering me up. I dun think anybody would wanna see me smile, so lets just remain how we are, bitching and listening and coming out from the other ear. Thats the way it is.

Do i hear a bitch? Whose barking out there?

Im so joking. At this point, i hope people do follow up close. I know some will either just stone or salivate infront of his or her computer screen, trying hard to catch what i mean. I know, my words are like butterflies, springing out from ur screen and dazzling in ur room. Take a small net, to catch them one by one. If u were to be so impatient to just trap them all in one big net, u wont know how to enjoy every single beauty. Anyway, salivate is to drool. Dun pretend its not u!

No! Use the tissue!

Alright, i hope all is clean, or cleaner, now. Ive looked deep in Galadriel's mirror and i think i see something nasty. If u dun read LOTR, then ignore that sentence. In layman's term, i have a premonition that something aweful will happen soon. However, its fate is not entirely in my hands. Im joking! Of course it is! Well, u see, i knew that a task given to him will not be fulfilled, thus i gave it as a test. If he has the heart to remember, and to complete them, i'll be more than impressed. But, if he doesnt, my anticipation will turn out predictably unpleasant. Undoubtly, i hope for the best. Even in this way, i have to prepare for the worst. Lets wish that the best is yet to be.

I'll be more obvious. QingLun, remember to buy the SCO concert ticket for me before its all sold out! Friends that wish not for a battle, or to be caught in the bonfire, please enlighten him or remind him of his task. It is appointed to him, to him alone can this task be complete. Whateva befalls, i cannot say.

Alright, this blog has been quite a nightmare for many. As for myself, i think im rejuvenating well. My will was weary, my heart was heavy and my troubles were dense. Now, i've released a part of me back into this world. Into this digital realm, it shall stay and never return into its baneful state. Back into the shadows! Fall back into the nothingness that awaits u and ur master! Alright, no LOTR. It actually meant, goodnight.

Peripheral Vision

Ive been away. On a journey, far and wide i have traveled, and now i am back. Where have i gone, many would love to know, but yet much more would already expect what ive to say. I shall not throw more hints, or none to start with. Im finally done with Tolkien's book. He has brought my mind abroad over to unknown pastures and stretched my world of imagination beyond its scope. Far off has my mind wandered, yet lonely at times. However, im glad that i found myself someone who bought the same book, SiHan. Fortunately or unfortunately, i dun think he has gotten anywhere near me. I started off 2 weeks before he bought his, and i dun think 2 weeks would be enough for him to finish the book, for i think he is still bound in the first volume. Well, its good that he enjoys reading, slowly, so that he can absorb every word and probably some of their literal meaning. He thinks that Sam, Frodo and Boromir are gays.

Theres too much to explain, and i shant bother to vomit here, because i dun think many who reads would enjoy scruntinising my puke, to find abit of something for their awe. So, lets leave aside the story of Tolkien's.

How's life? Great. Im currently preoccupied with my history presentation, which has been 'postponed' forward. It was brought forward, due to some 'unknown' reason. So, i'll have a week now to complete my history presentation, also my vocal and instrumental teaching presentation which would be due on the same week. Did i say great or what? I talked over the phone with friends to check gather information for my presentations, made time for dinner and some friendly conversations too. From many, including Pearly, also known as LimChooLi, my dear teacher, and also SamuelWong, Anthea and ShuMin that i have gathered enough information, as i deem, for my presentation next week. Im well equipped! To war!

I had a good time performing with many people throughout this period. Bonds were made, friendship woven and new perspectives raised. Ive been running around with Rit quite often, performing with other fellow musicians. Firstly, i enjoyed my time at CentrePoint over at Orchard. We performed for 3 weeks, and our news was like a spark on dry leaves, spreading like a wild fire into ears of other fellow musicians. Many would gossip, as inevitably, and many would inquire much more. There was Rit, JiaBin, Joel and Jonathan who i worked with for that 3 weeks. There were misunderstandings, trouble and quite abit of upset. But overall, i believe it was an experience for all.

Jessica had a performance at Sentosa and she asked me over to watch. So i went over, and after which, i went to a recording session of her's. It was an experience for me, also on that day came along a journalist, Jane. I was interviewed, and its kinda fresh for me, because i seldom get questioned other than those from DrTan and DrKan. Anyway, along that same period of time, i went Sentosa quite often. My second trip was to perform with XianYang, BangHao and LaiShun for a hotel's event. It was pitched at the beach, very beautifully lit with many lights of different colours. It much resembled the festival of the seventh month. And my last trip there was with Rit, Moses and LeeNa, the YangQin player. We performed for a show for merely 10 minutes. The event was huge. Imagine the amount poured into the function. It was pitched by the beach, and the long stretch of road was laid with cones of candle. The whole beach was their's, and the tents were huge and it contained hundreds of tables. All of the guests were Caucasian, and the Asian dwelt in the kitchen, served the tables, danced and played. Well, just how the world should be, right? So, there were many performing groups, and its all filled with the diversity of cultures. The performances were enhanced by the pink, purple and brightly, yet not glaring, coloured lights. Moreover, the sound crew and the cameras were all very professional. It was the best experience to wrap up the day for my last Sentosa performance for the month. Thomas brought us in, and after that he fetched us out to Vivocity, where we had supper and met up with Moses' friend, Rosie. We had supper till late, and lucky for me, i caught the last bus home. Thanks to Iris, the new phone service which informs me of the arrival of the buses.

Edwin and i recorded a few pieces already. I invited him over to NAFA to record the pieces together, for that i thought he would have the facility in his school for us to use. Well, sometimes its beyond my thought and what i thought would be. I hope this turns out well. Cheers!

Hopes are dashed to and fro. Our friendship has been on the rocks, yet on meadows at most times. Well, im at a loss of words right now. I dunno what to say about it, though i do know what ive been telling myself. Theres a whole chunk of it stuck in my mind, its so loud and unbearable, yet silent when it comes to my mouth. I utter not the emotions, for i think its beyond words, and only beyond words can it save us now. Dark faces thrown here and there, and nobody can live in delight for such times. Though laughter and chilly jokes can mend gaps, its only temporal. If we were to freeze time, and cut them into different layers, maybe we can find much joy in our bond. Yet, reality strikes hardest. Guess that u only have peripheral vision.

Well, im back and yet theres so little for me to say. Mainly due to my attachment with my emotions, which i cannot find any suitable for words to decode. Theres too much going on inside, but yet the world revolves so slowly around the sun. Time flies, but yet living in its process, i doubt its moving at all.

Ive finished my book. Ive been eating up my time, reading away on my bed with a lamp. Often i would devour a few chapters before turning myself in. But often it'll haunt me in my dreams while i digest the story and the concepts inside. Even now, after reading through the book, i can only admit that some parts were merely scanned. Why? I read word for word, but i did not look deeper in his poetry. And i have not touched on his appendixes, and its bibliographic nature. By the way, much has been revealed to me, for i find so much truth in Tolkien's fiction. Thats the word, truth in fiction. Theres so much to relate to the real world. Saruman, the Ents, the Hobbits, the purpose of the Istari, Sauron and the Exiles.

Well, i encourage all to pick up this book. In fact, its selling for only $32 at Kinokuniya, for its the 50th anniversay edition, with all the three volumes in one, with also the index and appendixes. So, dun worry, get one now! Its kinda bulky, and sadly, mine is in a bad state now. I think it had gone through the war of the ring itself, probably kept in Sam's sack, and brought to the peril of Doom, and back to the Shire.

Whateva!

Deception

Thanks Joanna for the initiative, but i guess i was misleading. My purpose aint to collect debts, but just to highlight the fact that im always a free ATM for others. Anyway, i'll like to thank u for considering to take action. I had already informed David to kindly remind Koen about it, and i passed him my account number. I think he'll transfer the loan as soon as possible.

Another money issue would be the pay. If u dun get it, go back and try to accent on different words. Its a play with the emphasis of words. Back to the topic, recently i played for a gig at JubileeHall. Well, it was fun. But, collecting the pay wasnt. Lets look into it.

U see, Rit, SiHan and i clinched the deal somehow without knowing that we're all going to be performing together. Or to be technically correct, suffer would be more precise. We were not informed that we'll be underpaid. Usually, a gig that pays $100 for a performance would sound good. From now on, i believe that theres always a cache. For me, i had played for so many gigs and performances, paying on time was their virtue which encouraged me to play on. This organiser, MrQiu, also the arranger and performer for the gig arranged 2 rehearsals. On top of that, we spent more than 8 hours for the punie $100. What a waste of time! I would rather pay him to get us off the hook. Well, it was XianYang who approached me. He is a fine man, so i promised to play for the gig. Its not him to blame, but myself for not asking for specific details such as rehearsals and what type of gig. It shocked me that im playing for another of those accompaniment gig, which would usually leave behind an ordeal so huge that i'll vomit wheneva i hear oldies.

According to XianYang, MrQiu complained that we played badly for his gig. According to me, i think we played bloody good, except for SiHan of course. Im joking. SiHan tried his best to read the scores already, though he couldnt figure out numerical notation and has no ability to improvise to ear. On the final rehearsal, he did his best to follow the superstar singers and also to improvise at parts. I think it was great for our maiden, because he dun usually play for such gigs. As for me, im used to it, and i detest it. Its good news to hear that XianYang has recieved the cheque from MrQiu. Good lord!

If u were in my shoes, what would u do if somebody refuses to pay up after the performance? U have to expect the unexpected. At times, when people get nasty, u have to be nastier. I really do hope that it will never happen to me.

Wanna know something funny? When i opened the programme booklet for the gig, i noticed that the gig stretches for 4 days. Im thrilled that we're only playing for one! But u know what caught my eye? YanYu played for one of the days! I laughed...

During our lesson, she asked me if i played for the gig... and we both laughed. Its kinda awkward and embarrassing, but im glad that we dun have that barrier between us to feel ashamed of. Its funny! I love her! Anyway, i need to get her a gift for Teacher'sDay. In fact, im already late! What a goof right? So, being a full time mother now, what do u suppose i get for her?

Guess what? I finished reading my book! Im heading on the new books i bought at Kinokuniya. Im not sure about the usual prices of books. For CDs, they should cost around $14 to $16 for originals. As for my usual CD hunting, i'll be able to get CDs from $6 to $12. Originals, and not those China imports! Where? I told u guys before, but if u wanna know, its at ShawTower. However, when it comes to books, im still kinda fresh. I spent around $100 plus on my books already. The 2 i bought from Kinokuniya were cheaper, they cost about $40 in total. I dun like second hand books, they're different from CDs. And moreover, as i mentioned before, i prefer to collect them and own them. It makes the reading different too. U'll know when u start reading.

I cant wait to start reading my new book.

Today, i was in a rush. I had to print and hand in my arrangement of a folk song. I think im going to fail, because it is too complicated. Theres nothing i can do about it, and nothing i wanna do about it. Why? Because im tired. Moreover, i have other things to be busy with. I cooked up a few thousand words for my critical reflection, which is due tomorrow for submission. Anybody would be so kind to help me print my assignment? I dare not ask to trouble... because they might be unwilling but yet uncomfortable to reject, because they'll need to create a lie or an excuse. Why? Just tell it in the face, honesty is the best policy isnt it?

No. Being too honest at times will bring to us a whole lot of trouble. U wouldnt want to go around criticising everybody would u? In ur mind, ur constantly judging people, things and words. Therefore, lying at times create a comfort zone between u and ur friends. What kinda lies? There is the white lie, beneficial lie, malicious lie and the deceptive lie.

Imagine going around saying things like...

Hello Maria! U look awful! Why dun u wear a bra to support those saggy breasts? Hello Adam! Why dun u see a dermatologist about all those ugly pimples on ur face? Ur a lousy dresser, and why dun u trim ur nose hair?

U'll be dead. Well, some of u might be laughing now. But, we do lie at times to either gain from it, or to prevent a loss. Im not going to lecture u guys about the lies, though i think some might be very interested about it. Well, if u are, u can approach me personally to talk about it. But what im driving at today is about the deceptive lie.

In fact, within this genre of lying, it has a few categories. Herein the deceptive lie, lies 2 more columns. One is which falsifies and the other, conceal. In other words, falsification and concealment. In falsification, one twists and turns facts for a purpose. They may not want to lose something, so they falsify and lie. Or, they may want to gain something, so they create a story full of deceit. However, some are white lies which are a form of social fabric. Whereas one lies for an advantage of themselves, on top of that, it is deceitful or harmful, it would be considered a deceptive lie. In concealment, one hides the truth. By hiding and not being honest enough to reveal the truth, its a concealment, thus a form of a deceptive lie.

There are people who are out there, who are so trained to lie blatantly. Ive heard enough of their excuses or their original stories. All i wanna say is, relax. Just tell it to my face, i can handle it if ur dun feel in any way, guilty.

For everyone out there, if u feel that the whole world is lying to u, u need to examine ur own behaviour and attitude first. The other person is only half of the equation. Why do they lie to u? Its probably that ur a habitual liar, thats why u might think that everybody is like that. Secondly, its probably that they are compelled to lie because they can see how emotionally or aggressive u react to the truth. If ur easily offended, its wise for u to be reflective and calm. Imagine this, if u demand the children to tell u the truth then u punish them, u teach them to lie to u for their own protection. I believe we've all gone through this stage before. In fact, its the parents that taught their child how to lie, by first lying. Therefore, if u want to hear the truth, u must learn to accept it calmly. Be reflective, but not emotionally aggressive about it. And remember, dun affect others with ur emotional downpours, because this will force them to distort the truth to pander to ur negative reaction.

I hope ive answered some of ur questions deep inside. Before u sleep tonight, reflect about it. Have u felt hurt from things people say? Its probably they're speaking the truth. To be honest, sometimes the truth cuts deep. However, if ur always hearing sweet and honey, its time to consider what ive said earlier.

Rest well and continue to enjoy good things.

Be Liable

Im sure many of u felt this way before.

Its like moving ur household goods, getting into a new apartment and u just dunno where to begin! So, u unpack ur furniture, without the knowledge of the measurements, u move them and try to place them accordingly as before. Despite the effort, it'll never work this way ever again. U breakdown, because u feel frustrated for not having work done and u just dunno who to turn to. Dun u just wanna move back home?

Well, thats the chagrin im feeling now. Theres not much choice, i have to swallow that bitter pill sooner or later, why not lets just make it now. Im so grateful for LuHeng's help with my new Finale07. He made me a copy, and i felt kinda worried because im afraid i was adding errands into his bursting list of work to do. He seems so busy, u know what im saying? Anyway, i installed the programme an hour ago.

An hour ago, i tried creating a score. A few minutes ago, i was still trying to create a score. Now, i have not created a score, but i closed the programme. A very productive hour, i know.

Sometimes, u lay perfect plan mentally, but in reality there are just so many unexpected blockades. Whispering to myself a comfort, i just cannot believe how technology has replaced most of chore. Moreover, it has raised the demands and check marks of society. I look at my new pet, i cannot bring myself to smile at it. I think it is less cute than anything ive seen. Well, i think time will fill the gap between us.

Theres nothing that interests me now except for books. I love reading enriching studies. Its the creative writing, and way of approach which creates the spark in me. When i flip the pages, i'll usually look out for diagrams, columns, headings and subpoints. I like writings which differ from the boring essays, which the style of writing and categorising is so overused. I want something more tasty, which builds the hunger in me to eat the words up. Ive read bland writings, and it barely triggered any of my senses. I'll apply oneself usually only if the book has an addictive smell to it. Or else, it'll never bring to me hit the books. Im not being literal here, but the style and format which the author cleverly uses makes a huge difference in my preferences, as it depends much on how the writing articulates to the readers. The format is like an additive to writing styles. Its the overall punctuation in reading i guess.

Im so eager to start reading my new books. Ive placed them beside my bed, along with the other books ive read. Many people do wish to borrow my books, but there are reasons why i dun wish to lend it out. Firstly, it applies not only to my books, it stretches from my CDs to money. Why? If u were asked to lend something most precious to u, would u? Should i be asked, i'll be happy to lend, trusting that it'll be returned. Entrusting somebody with something is a huge placement of faith. I would hope that they, those who borrowed, to treat whateva it is with respect and great care, thus returning it back to me, on a promised date, in one piece. U see, i do appreciate those who'll promise a date. Back in Australia, Koen, from NanyangPoly, borrowed $34 from me. He did promise me that he'll return me in cash when we're back in Singapore. Well, ive been back for a few months. Im not claiming that hes not planning to return. But with that trust, i think its a priviledge, and not an entitlement, that im willing to loan. Therefore, please be initiative and return me my money. Jonathan, who borrowed money from me back then, lost totally all trust or even worthiness. Some may already have been told about the incident. Well, i did ask him back for my money, but look, theres a difference. I told him, if he wants to pay me back, he'll pay me exactly on a specified date, without his abundant excuses. On that day, he failed to bring my money, so i told him, its either he pays up by borrowing from someone else, or he can just forget about paying me back. Spot that? Im fine with him not returning! The gist about loaning aint about the material, its about the trust. But, it has been abused over and over again. Terms of friendship or relationship does not apply. Jonathan and i used to be friends. Ive overestimated his character. Now, he is a schoolmate of mine in NAFA.

That is the first case study. So what if ur my best friend? If uve earned enough of my trust through tough times, im sure to consider about lending things. But, ive promised myself, an oath, to be strict with my own principles. No more bending of rules here. I should stick closely with what ive preached, therefore, it leads to my second reason.

Secondly, im a goldfish. Im forgetful, people who remembers took good use of the chance to plunder from me. Theif, if ur one of them, dun feel guilty, because i dun even know who u are. If u were to admit to me, i wont say that i'll not be angry. But at least, theres a higher chance of forgiveness. Come on, i'll be honest, those who say that they wont flare up would usually ablaze after realising the truth. Uve heard enough of those lies when u were young, havent u? I did.

Thirdly, i spend because i pamper myself with things that i love. Previously, i was a CD addict. Now, books. My love for recordings and buying them makes me proud of owning a huge collection of CDs. U see, thats why i dun borrow those books from the library. Well, i could! Why not? However, the feel of owning them is different. Borrowing makes one feel indebted. Its either to be obligated to repay a monetary loan, or tied down with terms and conditions which would have to be fulfilled eventually. I never liked having something which is not totally mine. In fact, ask urself, what is totally urs? Well, we're children of our parents, therefore, many things were bought with their money. But, consider it this way, something which u bought with ur own money which u earned through ur own very effort. Dun be such a pain in the ass to find loopholes here.

Alright, lets cut the chase, i havent touched out the main reason yet. I had people coming up to me to borrow my CDs, and some even wanted the whole collection to burn or rip. Its because im a friend, i'll feel bad rejecting, therefore i procrastinate. By deferring, im hoping for forgetfulness to settle in. People are apt to forget, after a period of time, certain things that does not matter much to them. Though they may claim that its important to them in any way, its actually not. Im betraying myself when i lend out these precious things. When people ask for my DVDs, im more than willing to display them on a table and sell them illegally. But when it comes to other things, lets be honest here, im really not willing.

I know, u may think that im selfish. Look at it this way, its very hard for u to ask for ur teacher to lend u their own personal instrument. Its possible, because YanYu lent me her's during my competition. The key point is, even though how close we may be, my trust for everybody has been abused over and over. Its useless to convince me, because im fixed in my mind. Nobody will ever take care of anything that doesnt belong to them. They dun even take care of their own belongings! When its damaged, they have nobody else to blame, therefore its alright. But, when it comes to somebody else's property, how are u going to pay for the damages? Some damages are just minor, but its the trust thats mostly bruised, not the ego. And if u were to compensate in terms of cash, as a friend, who would accept that? Its not nice.

Therefore, to avoid all sort of scenarios, its best not to borrow anything from ur friends, unless ur very certain that u'll be able to return it immediately or on a given date. Be responsible, not untrustworthy.

LimChooLi wants my Finale07. Im impressed that shes rather updated. She told me about this tabletPC. Alright! I might be a cave turtle when it comes to IT, i think its good to know such things, but not a necessity. It'll be a workload off the shoulder if i were to know such technology, its no wonder people like Rit and Moses attends IT fairs. Well, we chatted, and exchanged stories. I'll get someone, not LuHeng, because i'll feel heavy with guilt, to help me create another copy so that LimChooLi can have one copy too. In the end, everybody is happy.

Im not! Im still stuck with Finale07, its like so depressing, because all of skills with Noteworthy has been wasted, and i studied Sibelius3 at school. Now, they're using Sibelius4 already. How sad! Its impossible to catch up with the ever going technology. The advances in fashion and such industries are just progressing too rapidly. Everyday, theres a difference from the day before. We wake up to find ourselves in a new world.

Its a sad tomorrow. As i delay, im lagging behind day by day. So, if i dun sleep, i'll be behind time for 2 days, because i'll require a day rest, plus another 6 to 8 hours which i skipped. No wonder Beethoven went deaf.

Houg It

I'd goofed.

I had procrastinated, until an opportunity was lost, or till i fail a module. Purely fiction here. Reality bites hard, and ive flaunt my scars, vulnerable, to my enemies. Thus, once bitten, twice shy. However, i have openly whipped a wounded body, hoping that by sacrificing one, many will learn his valuable lesson as their own. Unfortunately, we're all still human.

Its sad, dun u think so? We learn to dodge, but yet, nobody teaches anybody not to catapult.

Lets drop it. I wanna share with u some crazy moments i had yesterday, with a clique of loons. I met SiHan and YongRui at school. I managed to persuade them to follow me to SimLim. There, i bought a blank rewrittable DVD, so that LuHeng will send me Finale07. I'll like to take the chance to thank LuHeng for being always so generous, putting others before himself. Christoven and Mark came to meet us later, while SiHan was hunting around for his earpiece.

We took a bus over to Audrey's place. Somebody claimed that he would bring us there. Im still wondering, who? We overshot a stop, thus we walked all the way over. It was Martin's farewell party. I heard his parents threw in big effort to prepare for this occasion. U see, he'll be having the priviledge to leave the balding field for a fallow farmland. He'll by flying over to America for his further studies in Violin. Lucky boy, he had a bunch of jealous cattles over to celebrate for his liberty. We, being the cattles, went over to wish him luck, enjoy the BBQ and have fun with Audrey and his family. It was crowded! If u were there, well if not, then use some imagination, u'll probably think its a class gathering.

It was noisy, the food was great and her family never fails to tickle me. Its really funny there. If i were to take my family photo, it'll all be grey, dull and most probably many would be frowning. Well, the contrast is huge. We played games, and what other games would i suggest? I bet, if uve played my games before, u'll most probably had played it all already.

We stayed till late. I took a cab with SiHan and Christoven. I alighted on the way to Christoven's place, and took a bus home. Recently, ive been spending my time wisely. They say, when a person lies, his nose will swell. Its scientific, and probably thats why CarloCollodi's Pinocchio had so much fun lying. For ur information, Jonathan has a big nose, thus its undoubtly proven that he is a born liar! Im so logical!

Im joking. Or maybe im not. But, that doesnt interest u. So therefore, lets get on. As u may be aware, from my previous post, im currently addicted to the smell of books. Somehow, they smell of dung. DrTan once shared with us her liking for books, its partly due to its smell. She called it aesthetic. For others, its merely recycled dung. As for others with fetish for books, i shant touch on that. By the way, ive washed myself clean from the urge of CDs like quitting cigars. However, the price is heavy. Why? Because books are somehow more expensive. It doesnt matter, it'll take me a longer time to finish reading them too anyway.

For frequent readers, probably this wont mean a thing. But, for me, i managed to complete an entire book within a day! No, its not a cooking recipe, and it takes more than a day to scan through all those pretty pictures. Its actually a book on talking language, such as metalanguage and communcation skills. Well, i know them theoratically, but ive not developed those skills into practical use. No conclusions. Period.

A few hours ago, i went shopping with SiHan and Christoven. I was telling them about what ive read, and sharing with them what ive learnt. It'll be awkward if SiHan has no arguments or disagreements over anything. Im not thrilled to counter every irritating possibility he has. He bought his brother a birthday gift, while i pampered myself with 2 more new books. These books are in line, till im done with my write language. Therein, lies the secrets to the power of persuasion. It reminded me of Saruman's magic, which lies deep in his voice. He has the power with words and he sounded most convincing to any ears. As the incarnate of the lost soul of Saruman, i shall inherit his mastery over the power of persuasion!

Slap me, if im too carried away. The other book has much similarity with AllanPease's books on communication. Its by RobertBolton, and im so sorry... the book of persuasion has not been bought yet. I remembered, because i had promised myself to get it only after ive finished with both of my new books. So, by correcting my error, the other book would be by HenryRussel, its about etiquette.

It was raining heavily after choir this afternoon. Its irritating, because i wore slippers. I had lunch with QingLun, and he was patient to follow me to the bank. I went to deposit my cash, which i failed to do so yesterday, due to the condition of my money. The queue was long, but we waited together. During my turn, the lady looked rather sad to serve me. I gave her stacks of money, unorganised and they were in bad shape. I think i should have ironed it before leaving for school. Too late.

We had lunch together, and we were late for the Dizi masterclass. I was so sorry, because he had to play, and being involved in the masterclass, i shouldnt had asked him to the bank with me. Anyway, he left his keys behind. I tried contacting him, but he didnt answer my calls. How careless of him to leave the recital hall after the class without taking his keys. Fortunately, he has a friend like me.

Right!

I attended a masterclass yesterday by CharlesHoug, DrGoh's composition teacher for his doctorate degree. It was great, but i was late. Today, i attended another masterclass by CharlesHoug, touching on the uses of scales and modes. Well, u might figure that its the major, minor scales or probably one of those church modes. Ur wrong! I shant talk about something which im not really clear about here. Wait, please let me go figure what he said first. Actually, ive some doubts to clear, which would make perfect sense then. Its my fault for not questioning! But nevermind, somethings are beyond my understanding. One thing im sure of, he is funny in his own ways.

Alright, after such a wonderful night, Cinderella has to return home. Im afraid that i might turn into a beautiful princess at the struck on twelve! Alright, u might recall this joke if u were with me last night. Nevermind, im sure many of us had fun during the weekends. What did u do for ur weekend? Was it memorable? If it was, please call us at our hotline and tell all about it! We care for our customers unlike how others do, u deserve our service. Please call us, goodnight.

Ranting

This is it.

It'll be something that u'll find urself filled with nothing but an experience of my predicaments.

It has been a really long time since i rant about something, or in fact, anything in my blog. Updating as been an issue hardwired into my brain, but it has ceased and dwindled into a mere dumping spot for alternative solution to ennui and boredom. As some of u may be aware, ive been indulging into the aesthetic pleasure of book reading, smelling, tasting, hearing and caressing. U will also discover, if u can read beyond the horizons between the lines, that ive planned certain steps to preclude the threats to my endangered habitat.

Yes, my life is in danger! It has been under the fulmination of future belligerence. This combativeness has already drowned me with hints, tints and pints of them. Of which, comes in different hues and density. However, these can be avoided easily. How? As u may usually do, hide away from the embarrassment of a confrontation, brush up a thicker mask or probably, just feign ignorance. But, i think admitting to ur mistakes and facing the music is the most direct way of criticism. It comes from the first party, being urself! Thus, it saves the faux pas or some social blunder which will inevitably fall into place as long as u remain consistently, congruously still driving through ur life with all stubborn stains.

Do not be mistaken! Im not pointing my fingers on anyone here. Who wishes not to thrive? Not to flourish in any sense? Ive successfully grown and developed in size, and some may thirst to boom in height. But, thats not what im talking about exactly. Im being honest to myself, and i do not intend to put myself in a brighter light as to others. However, i do hope that those talents out there will realise what other possibilities that lie ahead of them, other than to blindly follow the first blind mice. Arnold Schoenberg, damn this uniformity right? Though i may not want to sound rude, and i know i am, but i have to really damn this uniformity about following rules, laws and orders. I hate to be told what to do. Though i detest more to admit that i have to.

Ive been questioned, probably u might wanna shoot urself in the head too, what isit that u are best with. It doesnt necessarily has be something that u must be the top as with others, but most importantly that what isit that u do best, as compared to ur abilities. Talented or not, that really lies in the eyes of others. As for urself, i think u should work hard on the second top, of course constantly pumping iron on the first.

I reflected for weeks. It was a chance to make new friends at NoiseSingapore. My partner, Edwin, is from SingaporePoly. Its quite a small world that we have many friends in common. Let me introduce him to u guys. He is currently pursuing his final year at SP for the music programme. Pardon me, im still not very sure what it is about. All i do know that it focuses more on music technology, production and not so much on performance. Joyce, my fellow orchestra mate at CSCO is a classmate of Edwin. Alright, probably ive done a bad job introducing him. When i get to know him better, throughout this 8 weeks, i'll talk more about him with u guys.

Anyway, that night, i headed down to the ArtsHouse. It was the hall which i tested with some other musicians before it was officially opened. Some of u might have caught some performances there. I did, and its quite a unique experience. We headed there once with the class to catch the 'Singapore Gaga'. But, its the performance hall which stands out most to other performance stages. Anyway, back then a friend of mine, i cant remember his name, invited me to catch his performance. It was free, and it provided refreshments too. I enjoyed it very much, and i do hope that i will get a chance to perform there. Well, enough of the ArtsHouse. The event was held at the EarshotCafe. Inside, its very cosy. It brings warmth, and the cafe is structure in a way that it makes socialising with people easy and flirting easier. I took a seat, grabbed a bite and breathed the ambience.

Edwin was then introduced to me. Jessica, or LuJie, came and we sat together, it took us some time to break the ice. She briefed us about our projects, and hers, mostly on the approaches that she'll take. Of course, the apprenticeship allows us to interfere into her project to experience the actuality in the music industry. Nothing really exciting, but its big time interesting. Edwin and i will have quite abit to worry about...

I found my shackles loose later in the week. Im freed from the clutches of academic studies. However, that means ive alot more to fulfill after the week, which im suffering now. In a few days time, i have to submit another essay prior to my first critical reflection. I carry a blase attitude towards essay writing, because im usually unorganised, stuck and lost. However, what lifts my spirit to draft my work would be the beautiful DrTan.

How i adore her! O beauty, u see not into my deepest desire. My heart holds much secret. Lo, my love swells with passion and hungers for ur touch. O please my lady, please touch and mark my essays! As clear as the river water, as pure as the morning dew and as innocent as the sleeping child. My heart sings for thee, a song, a melody of love. O beloved, most adored, read me the first paragraph of Sadie or play me a clip from the DVD. I love it! O how much i love it! U cannot deny my love, u cannot! I forbid thee!

See, ive actually some talent in script writing.

I went for some soul searching after Andy's recital last night. I headed to Orchard with Mark and Christoven. Before so, i looked into my bank account. Im astonished. I should just diminish back into the depth of my blanket and hide forever. Im broke, im poor and im worthless. The problem aint the amount inside, its the sum missing! How did it disappear? Im amazed.

In the state of shock, i followed Christoven to Orchard. I managed to hunt down a book at Borders. Ive bought 3 books previously by this author. His books are mainly with psychological behaviours. Not mainly on physical cues, it includes analysis and explanations for the uses of metalanguage as well. Ive finished reading on human relations, and currently, im embarking on another journey into the language of writing. It seems that i need much improvement to bring style into my blogging as well, need i not?

But somehow, im quite positive that my writing has a punch. It raises questions in the head, brings about uncertainty and most of all, it feeds u curiosity. So much that, it makes u wanna read on. There u go, it has this bite. U realised how my simple effective the use of short isolated words are? It is familiar to all. Lets cut to the chase, nobody really enjoys reading something that rebukes, chides and rants non-stop about their daily activities. Such contradictory! Im always talking about me, me and me! But, one thing i did do was to interact with u guys. As u may have already found out, i do use quite a generous number of 'u's to refer to the readers. This brings some purpose for them to think and to show empathy. I hate reading blogs which goes on talking about their activities, without being critical about their thoughts. Though ive failed answering DrTan's questions about critical thinking in class, im actually quite reflective. Im just not confident answering them. Thats not the point, i just hope that people would blog without using jargons and terms which only their body bug would comprehend.

Be more friendly! Thats it, be more friendly.

I apologise for its been too long since i last updated my blog. It wouldnt be too much to ask for, especially since im used to blogging chunks and chunks of junk. Some might find this place a paradise, booty call or even a piece of crap. I do prefer the latter ironically.

I shant tire u out.

Herein, lies the perfect ending for a soft cadence.

NoiseSingapore

Im looking back, dusting my old internet accounts. Theres so much that ive left behind, but only constantly updating this. I just recovered my old group account, where i'll dump my compositions in for others to download, or this group where CSCO's pluck strings member used to hang out and post questions and bulletins. Its so old school! Come on, kick back, lets get back into the old school. Well, today is quite a boring day, while keeping myself busy with nothing, i had to do so much work! I know, contradicting right? But well, let me tell u what i did in a few minutes time...

Alright, ive just inserted a few more compositions into the YahooGroups. Well, i doubt anybody would go there, but its convenient for me to find my pieces wheneva im out of house, of course somewhere with internet access. Well, Christoven asked me out, but i couldnt because i was busy with my MIDIs. What am i up to? U see, i recieved emails about this wierd organisation, but i deleted them instantly usually, till i got one from JiaJia, from NAC. So, its about this group of young artists who would find time to do something out of their hobby or aspiration for a career in the arts. So, by joining, one can promote their music, take part in activities and join the apprenticeship programme, which i just decided to take part. Its called NoiseSingapore, i know it has been around for years, but its only today that i took some time out to finish understanding whats its purpose.

I was talking on the phone with Dedric just now. Well, we talked about many things, and its surprising how this NoiseSingapore has come upon his way too. He told me about what he heard and things like that, well... its not surprising, but somehow im shocked. I didnt thought that we'll end up talking for a few hours. However, it was great talking to him. I got to know current affairs, exchanged ideas and talked about some disturbing issues. My main focus was to ask him whether i should take part in the NoiseSingapore. Im afraid that it might not turn out to what i expect.

Anyway, i downloaded many softwares which helps in converting MIDI files to Mp3, but nothing worked out till finally i found this fantastic software at my favourite download page. Well, thanks to it, i submitted my 5 works, but my writeup for the interview hasnt been uploaded yet. Somehow, i cant get the format right. My computer is screwed! Damn it, stupid computer!

Guess what, i dun feel like blogging now, because my computer has some stupid crap problem. My MSN just restarted, and all my pictures are gone, including my nick and everything else! So, its like i just downloaded my MSN. Stupid shit right? And when i try saving a file, the desktop is missing! What else? Theres nothing in my document. Great! Great!

Anyway, if i dun get selected for the apprenticeship, its alright. If i do, its a new experience for me, nothing else.

Realism

Alright.

Im back into the mood for SarahMcLachlan, MariahCarey and BillyGilman. Its wierd, but their songs are seasonal, if u get what i mean. They represents a certain emotion, a feeling and a symbol for my voice. Its vocal, it talks about things that i wanna say. Whateva it is, last night, i dun think i got the message across quite efficiently. It was quite coolly, with u laughing along and matters werent serious at all. I wanna voice out that, im very serious about it and the problem is like a fester. I guess it'll never be said...

I didnt do DrTans homework, and she said im naughty. My goodness, shes so adorable even when she's scolding me! I love her! Well, we talked about modern music, their elements and their specific styles of writing. Its clear how she brought about the lectures, unlike DrKan, honestly. DrKan would usually spell out a bunch of words and descriptions that either sound alike or has similar meanings, then she'll talk about the terms of modern music with a very general description. She can go really deep, but its just not very clear... almost like a long journey down the kaleidoscope. On the other hand, DrTan would make sure that she drills the pin right into ur head and u bleed to death with the knowledge of what shes putting across. Its not painful, in fact, quite a pleasure.

Counterpoint is quite a headache for me, and theres so many possibilities to all answers, however... only a limited is good enough to pass. To prevent errors and any major mistakes, ive to be extra careful, but... its so troublesome. Christoven found it fun, which i believe should be a frenzy. Its like a phase that im going through too, i find history with DrTan fun. For now, i believe things are still simple, like childhood. Imagine back then, we said we love DrKan. We still love her, dun get me wrong, but its only after we graduated from the second year that the love came back. Well, now theres more things to worry... ive not done my counterpoint yet! I'll try to do it after blogging.

MajorTay has appointed YouYi and i to lead the ensemble's management, though Edward is officially in charge, but we'll do all the little useless stuffs. We'll appoint people to come to class earlier to set up the chairs and music stands. And in 2 weeks, we'll be playing for the platform. YouYi and i will plan out the programme, which ive already decided to play with Sophy. However, since ShuMin would be playing for a concert at Esplanade, i'll let her have the chance to play it at NAFA first. So, i wont be playing, and ShuMin will be playing with Sophy. As for the Ruan programme, it was quite a pain. In the end, since ZhangRongHui would want Jonathan to play the first movement of the concerto, we'll let him play. Well, CSCO will be playing the full movement soon, its going to be tough, but whats tougher is to hope that its well played. Anyway, i hate listening to music without the full movements, especially suites and concertos.

A pain in the ass, a splinter in the eye. I think my mind has been running wild into the rainforest again. Ive came up with my own conclusions about many things. Realism in arts are beautifully portrayed. In life, realism hurts. I cant deny that im not feeling quite good with u mixing with them, but theres nothing i can do. Im not those that denies my own predicament with excuses, i'll think thoroughly and somehow, i know where i stand. Im standing alone.

One ill turn deserves another, its over.

Skilless

Its great. And i think its good that its kept that way for now. Ive my own problems to settle first. Learning to ignore aint the same as solving. Therefore, something must be done! I managed to bring the point softly into place. Now, is there a place for me there? Im not really sure, but when i really need one, will it be there for me? I have doubts, but im relieved.

Choir was alright. Performance class was alright. Everything was alright. I think im losing the skill to blog. Alright... goodnight... alright?

The Road Ever Goes

Such problems are not mine to settle. In fact, ive never stepped over the line once. It reminded me of my role as India in the conflict in SriLanka. I must admit that im not very strong with social science and studies, so... somehow, an unappreciated peace treaty turns horrendously into a snowy war. Whateva it is, things are turning down and doors are closing for me.

I woke up in the afternoon. I had to rush out of house, take a cab down to catch the bus. The bus should have left on time, or else i could have taken my own sweet time. Anyway, its my bad, so nevermind. Ive to return back into my sad and lonely schedule after today. Its Sunday, but im sacrificing it for an event outside, which doesnt interest me at all. Well, most importantly, im willing. So, i managed to make it on time, and we were gathered there early for a briefing before heading for buffet dinner.

The performance was an experience, indeed. Its an outdoor performance, by the pool, and under this little tent which leaves a quater of the orchestra outside. I was hoping that it'll rain, but i figured that it'll be worse... because the orchestra might be cut down to just a few, and im sure i'll have to play. Anyway, im sharing the score with a LiuQin. Alvin and YanJun sat behind, and they held the Pipa scores. So, i had to play on memory and figure somethings out from the LiuQin scores. Yes, there was a microphone for me. Well, i shared some thoughts with Alvin. Told him about myself and how i coped with CSCO, also mentioned about some Pipa players to him. He seems ignorant to such issues, but well... ignorance is a bliss! Dinner was alright, i enjoyed the free flow, the conversation with friends and pigging out leftovers.

We were seated, the night flown smoothly, with not much changes. During our interval, we were allowed to go wash up, drink and rot about. Some were chatting, laughing and some were shouting about. It was really fun to imagine how life would be if i was to grow up in a more neighbourhood surrounding.

The performance ended finally, with a picture taken with the president. He had a sense of humour. Its my first time seeing him up close, other than those pictures in the bank or ministry and sort. Im glad that we packed up and headed back home. I took another bus, which would drop the NYP students, who borrowed their instruments to this CSCO event. How generous. They're a helpful lot, always joking and never fail to amaze me with their bonding. But well, i was skeptical about that last time, not getting used to their eccentricity, but im fine now... more or less. I walked with them to their studio and helped with the instruments. After that, we all left together for the MRT station. It was crappy talking to them, and it ended my day on a softer note.

I live near NYP, so i walked home. Just took a quick shower, to wash away the weariness and ennui. Im feeling much better, blogging away and still thinking of things to talk about. I know these few days, ive been rather emotional with my words. If u were to think, blogging is about making those frozen words come to live, aint it so? The mood when i blog, is different from how some reader would perceive, so its hard to transmit this so called emotions to the readers. Nobody would understand how i feel exactly, but somehow... u'll get the picture as we sing along.

I realized that signs are showing. Its the keen sense of awareness. My senses are acute but my actions arent. I can tell that a dark road grows beyond my sight. What would i have, when all lights turn out on me? Friends? Family? Money? I cant rely on any, except for myself. Im so helpless at times, i need my own shoulder to give myself assurance. Im pathetic. Good night.

Growing Weary

I wouldnt say that im shocked, neither surprised by both. I should say that, i think i need a break from the nonsense, and please let me recover from all those horrible drama. Poor acts, poor me. Whateva it is, stay this way for all i care, my hands are out of the water, washed clean.

U probably wont know this, because u lack the apprehension to care or to worry. But im telling u this, to get a splinter out of this wounded heart. Im feeling very down, and i cant believe how low i can get. Its like a bitter winter, biting on my dry lips, cracking on my skin. I'd enough of ur indifference. I seriously dun think im being overly demanding as a friend. Neither do i think that im over-reacting. Guess what, i know its not right to think this way, but lets face it... im always there, but u werent. Almost there aint there, its just to raise a smile on my disappointed face. Sometimes, i lock myself away from the world, from my social circle, just to listen to u. Even at times, i wait just for this blink of an eye, to just hear a few words before u disappear. Well, i guess im just too foolish... I cant believe how gullible i am. However, i cant deny that im amazed how similiar this scenario is as compared to those days in ACS. Those were the days, and this is the future... What does it hold? I really dun wish to count on it...

Ive been horribly busy. Just today, i had a full rehearsal for a performance tomorrow. It'll be held at a country club, and the soundcheck plus rehearsals are enough to drain all my physical strength. Imagine what, the mental torture was about to black me out. Tomorrow, ive to wear a coat during an outdoor performance. I guess the weather wont be that bad, but its the spotlights thats killing me. Moreover, the mass of sound coming from the airplanes from above was irritating me. It comes every few minutes, and i was there for at least 4 hours. Not forgetting the buffet, which tasted alright... and now, it seems that its causing some pain in my gums. I think i got a slight cut or something, im afraid of any infections. What should i do?

Moses called me the other day, asking about my solo for this charity concert. LaiWeng mentioned it once, a long time ago, and i almost forgot about it. Im not approached yet, and i think the concert is coming up this late August. Despite so, im still not receiving any news, im not sure whether its still on. If its going to be such a short notice, im afraid i might need to cancel it, or approach Sophy to do a duet together. Whateva it is, im not bothered, just somehow... bothered. Another thing that bothers me now would be choir on Monday. Ive not practiced the pieces, and im quite sure that i'll be chosen to sing... im kinda worried, i dunno why, but DrGoh seems to love picking on me these few days.

U wanna know what bothers me the most? What else, but ruthless poison from the tongue of wicked men. These gossips spread like wild fire, set loose upon the dry leaves. Its smoke rises and chokes the atmosphere with pollution and waste. Im not sure whether its killing yet, but im sure its already toxicating my life. Actually, im not really sure whether theres a source for these gossips, but somehow... if there werent any around me, im sure my predicament wouldnt turn out like this today. One of such, would be obviously my dear friend, who stabs his own friends behind their back everytime. Come on, if u can gossip about ur own friends infront of me, im sure theres more to say behind mine, not to mention also the large surface area behind my back to stab. Im joking, but im serious. Another confident source would of course be a miser, who tilts his head high up and walks with his nose. Such an arrogant freak has already killed himself by being himself. Whateva happens to him, its none of my business, and i think he's already quite dead. As they always say, its impossible to get rid of a cockroach. He lives, within his own domain. Lastly, a group of weakminded people who listens to every word their preacher has to say. I just cant stop it, but to curse them for their weak goblin minds. Come on, be smarter, know ur host, ur own friends more than i do, please. For the sake of shit donkeys, why cant u guys be more aware of ur own surroundings? And where is the trust? I dunno, but im beginning to despise u... though i once admired u the most. A statue on my altar has been crushed into pieces, im finding new hope within another idol. Be gone for good...

Am i stupid? Please tell me i am. I just cant find the route to a good healthy friendship. I guess its a musician thingi? Well, i look around and i witness many similiar factors which are affecting my life as well as others. Some elements are unavoidable, but some are just self attracting. So, i seek these problems myself? Im at fault for my problems? Im sure i am. Thats why there are too much to regret, but yet more to learn from.

I dun wish this to end, neither to i hope to continue. I think its time for a break. Everybody needs a holiday, or some time away from each other.

Hold On

We've been having war so often. It happens that im always first to get shot. Ur merciless firing had me ended up in wounds that left memorable scars. I dun wish to tell the world that i care too much for myself that our problem doesnt bother me. But please, teach me how not to? I beg u so. U know what hurts the most? Its the intrinsic value that it holds. Vilifying, thats what im accustomed to already. Ur known to have a fortified character, thats what i worry most though i feel at times exposed at the front lines, behind a blockade. Sometimes, ur just too vituperative for me to manage, but mostly, ur like a gift that fell from the clouds. Im thankful, but yet it seems to me that times running short. It'll be most devastating to imagine that u might indeed turn out to become the last straw on my back. The burden is heavy, but yet the best is yet to be. The best, indeed.

Ive been biting hard with my schedule, though ive failed to plan my practicing slots properly. Being diligent aint my forte, if i should fail to brush up my socks, it might turn out to be the last and final chance to. Im getting out of NAFA soon, and what other woes would i have other than to get out in piece and in peace. My Mom has never forced me to do anything against my will, but she has driven me once with her expectations. She realised early that it'll never work. I'll rebel and i'll refuse to excel, and she managed to foresee such consequences with drilling exercises. Im how i am today, thankfully to Mom's method of controlling me. I gained trust as early as 8, and soon... im equally independant as i am since then. Imagine, a kid that age with the ability to save money up to $70 plus. The only regret was being too careless, as a result, i lost my wallet at Ikea's toilet. How forgetful, and what a miser would steal a little boy's wallet! However, for the kind of money inside, its really a hole in my heart which filled the miser's own. I was rebuked badly, but from then... i knew how to save my money with my own bank account. I remembered that i frequently visited the banker, bringing as little as $7 each time to deposit. Its really a tickle to think of it now, but now... ive grown lazy. I can just sit my donkey ass on a sofa whole day, and yet refuses to go down to the bank to deposit my savings. I know that many of my friends are amazed how i get all my cash. Mark asked so often that i just cant recollect how many times. In fact, im supposed to have more, but my imbecile father threw all his money to that fucking slut, Jane. When i ponder deeper, the pit gets darker and darker... Its really a pain in my heart...

But what hurts more is our friendship. Ive been hurt once and over again. Im never shy, which explains why im always bitten. Well, 5 years ago, my ruler was broken, just a few days ago, my heart. Thats the past, now im putting much hope into ours. Probably ive put too many eggs in one basket. Explanations are excuses. They share similiar definitions now. I cannot imagine why.

Lets chuck them aside. Recently, im in love with DrTan's method of teaching. She's so adorable and its almost impossible to sleep in her lectures. I dunno why, but im usually working hard not to doze off, but now im wondering if i can even wander into dreamland. DrGoh's composition tutorials stressed quite a handful of people, who didnt fulfill their duty to go hunt for folk songs. U see, we're currently working towards a composition which features materials from folk songs. We're basing ourself with Bartok's words, and we'll be arranging choral folk songs according to solid materials from our own research about a folk song, and its origins. We're to pick a song thats related to us, either with our race or dialect. As for me, a lover for the Mongolian songs, i picked 'GaDaMeiLin', which is a very popular piece as a symphonic poem, also as a common folk song. Its melody is unforgettable and very moving. I fell in love with it when i first heard it, but i remembered once that an orchestra played it, and i immediately fell asleep instead of otherwise. Therefore, with the pushing and the stress, many came to me for last minute work. Despite getting through the first tutorial, some changed while some carried on with using my Pipa practices, which were based on folk melodies.

I researched in depth, and found much sources about my selected folk song. However, there're just too many versions, due to the cultural backgrounds and influences. The original Mongolian version is however, sadly, lost. Alright, its not, but i just cant find it anywhere! So, ive planned to use the Chinese version. The tutorial today was very interesting, because everybody got a chance to talk about their chosen folk songs. Its funny how some presented, and its interesting how some got their information. I had a good laugh, but whats more entertaining would be the previous class, DrTan's lecture on instrumental and vocal teaching. She talked about many grading systems available now. She then talked about grading exams and their roles and purposes. Everybody in class had to come up with an answer, and she'll elaborate it further, and its how amazing how she can drive us round a huge lake and end up again on the same spot we started off from. She's just amazing! I love her! Anyway, the first 2 answers took a really long time... and somehow, she landed off somewhere talking about her friend's dog, and how it got buried and many other wierd things...

I prepared my notes beforehand. On my way to school, i whipped out the notes and scanned through really quickly. I read the first line of every paragraph and roughly got the idea of what its about. Im amazing! I learnt that from DrKan, sometimes im forced to, so im well trained.

Jeremiah is leaving soon. Anyway, i caught up with the movies recently. The funniest thing would be 'TheSimpsons', obviously u should know why. And for the worst, 'KnockedUp'. Its totally crap. U know how movies are when they lack of music. More surprisingly, the language was thoroughly spoilt with the overdosage of vulgarities. Some parts were practically funny, and many were either lame or too fake to be comedic. Anyway, i didnt enjoy the latter. American humour is something that we should be well versed with, afterall we're all so americanised already. U know, its not that everybody wanna be American, but due to its smart ways of spreading cultural styles through their superb media, its inevitable that the world is americanising in some way or another.

Whateva it is, it has been a shattering week for me. Im picking up the pieces, but shedding tears aint for now. Im holding on...

Fumble

The dark shade fell through the crack. The reflection in the window reminded me of a mystery. My red bricked room sheltered me from all sources of light. Theres no escape, but only a prison which locks my mental state from liberty. In the comfort of my bed, binded with my blanket, i witnessed the changing hues of darkness from the empty piece of papers. They flew like autumn leaves from my coffee table. There, a stained cup, weighted with sorrow and agony pressed hard upon my suicide note. I havent found enough time to end off the last sentence. There, it laid, empty in the second half, merely probably still stuck in my mind. Theres too much to think. Endless trains of thoughts, running upon the track of my breaking nerves. Im going crazy, or mad as i may seem. Deem what may, im rooted that i need no help.

Hold on. Hold on to myself, because the rest is going to hurt like hell. What isit thats in me that refuses to believe? It is easier to seek for no truth than to, though im practicing none. The mad prophet and his tales tailed me back home. If ur out there, wont u hear me, though we've never talked before? My heart is leaving, and wont u take him when he comes to ur door? Now ur sleeping peaceful, i lie awake and pray that u'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day. At the crossroad i am standing, i just hope an answer will fall from above. I'll learn to love the light that brings a smile across ur face.

The burning torches, the bloody runes and the droning chants. Love is sacrificial, but yet it doesnt come with a guarantee. My glass is empty and its a hell of a long way home. Will u take me? Its no good to go alone. After all the bullshit ive heard, its refreshing not to see that i dun have to pretend that they dun expect it from me. All i need is an assurance. Its not the wind that cracked my shoulder and threw me to the ground. U know of what i speak, but ur shaken to the bone. I just dun understand, i deserves so much more than this...

Uve never been there as much as i stood by ur side. Its a disheartening realisation. It pains me to ignore what i see, but yet hurts me even more as i tell myself a lie loud enough to believe it. Nothing is simply good enough for u. Let me try, i'll be good to u. I'll show u why that ur so much more than good enough. Despite my efforts, will u even remember me?

Im falling into a trance. I hear deep voices calling. They sounded like music to my ears, but they muttered ungodly curses. The paper on the floor now sweeps across my empty room. My solitude, my seclusion and my sanity now lies in the hands of fate, a monster ive created. Its not my command, its not my call anymore. Its in ur hands, u give the shot this time. I'll do what i have to do, but u carry on with what u should do.

Broken hearted, i laid in my bed, consumed. Im gone... The mystery in the window brought about curiosity. I blinked, took in life, and got onto my feet. I turned, facing away from the tall oak door. Looking down from the window, the limited view of trees slowly grew out of sight across the horizon. I wiped the mist off the window, and planted a grin on my face.

It hung for a moment. However, it fell back into place when my vision was enchanted with ur presence. Dimly lit, the candle flame swayed with the unfriendly wind. The familiar coldness brought about warmth. I rubbed my eyes, forcing them open, i stared into the flicker.

I tilt my head slowly, and the sound of nothing varies with my movement. Theres just nothing to do, i can only think of u. Of course, and me. The last tear rolled off my cheeks, and i smiled.

Floral fields, a boundless prarie of peace and romance. Butterflies and hummingbirds, the misty spring morning and the cool evening zephyr. There, lying in the middle of nowhere, its u. Surprised, i ran towards u. I laughed at the sight of u smiling at me. I cried with joy and soon it grew into sorrow once again...

The distance between us grew further and further. The fear of committment and regrets of ur wrongdoings has brought this gap into our friendship. Standing on the edge of something much too deep, i cant get myself to wander off. Its funny how we feel so much, yet cant say a single word. Dun let ur love pass u by, but weep not for those memories.

General's Command

So, i have deproved. Not much of a surprise. I played for performance class today, and i realised myself only later that ive indeed lost touch with the Pipa! Over these 3 months, i think ive been a really bad boy. Well, im looking forward to my lesson with YanYu. I think she'll need to fix her jaw afterwards...

Its been a hell of a week. Not really busy, yet. There were a few things to be done, and im diligent enough to get them completed before its due. Im comfortable with the timeslots for this semester. I think its fixed quite well with my schedule, except currently for one, which aint about school. Im facing this problem of... i dunno how i should put it. But well, whateva it is, im just not really happy with it. More or less, disappointed. Nevermind, i managed to change my timeslot for counterpoint, so i can wake up later and attend a smaller class, where i'll most probably recieve more attention. Despite the advantage, im quite worried if i'll recieve too much of it. My stress level has dropped much ever since i graduated from my second year. On the other hand, another meter is rising. Im sure everybody in class would face this fear of our final year end recital. Im sure mine would be a big screwed up.

Its funny. My performances during class are usually bad, in general. But during my exam, or competition, it'll boost up quite thick. Im wondering whether its the stress, or the lack of concern and sincerity in my playing. Whateva it is, im very aware of my own standards and where i stand amongst the other players. Im not first, neither am i last, but im definitely not as good as some other rising juniors. Whateva it is, its the fact that i should face due to my karma. Im not speaking in tongues of Buddhism, but just that its my consequence to face. Its my burden to bear. However, im very open about such comments about my playing, afterall im prone to filtering things i hear. So, today and as the normal days back then, i know... i played badly. Im not sure whether to laugh or to just stone. Im sure i wont feel sad, unless i let somebody down. I know, how about myself right? I can deal with it, im fine.

Revenge was sweet, isnt it? U'll taste ur own medicine very soon...

That was some random thought for somebody. Dun worry, it meant no harm! Well, the first week got past quite quickly. U know, like sandflies, but they do leave a scar behind. I'd almost no time to do any other things at night, because i was preoccupied with CSCO concert, which was held at SCH yesterday. HuBingXu, as mentioned before, was our guest conductor, who motivated us, taught us, scolded us and praised us. We fought hard, and he acknowledged our effort. We were all touched by his words, his passion and his care. The concert was a kick off, for the first time i felt so satisfied with myself for orchestral music. U know, i seldom really dive in deep into the spirit of those orchestral pieces, but being the principal this time round, without any others to help me, i was on my own.

Alvin, YanJun and LaiWeng were great on stage. The Pipa group was fantastic! LaiWeng had to deal with my sarcasm and chidings. Poor thing, but well i hope she understands that its to help her. Its no good relying so much on YanJun too, afterall theres not a full percentage that both are equally sure of certain things. Even for me, sometimes ive to listen out to Alvin too. Well, theres always a line to balance on. So, LaiWeng, please practice hard and focus more! Orchestral music is about urself and the whole orchestra. How much are u giving out, and how much are u recieving? I bet ur not even sure about that. I had to force her to not play for this single legato melody because of the noise from her nails. I had to, but its not a bad thing. Its for all, not for one. Well, LaiWeng, keep going. Alvin and YanJun are experienced players, they shoud know better.

I must thank my friends who came to watch. Mark and Christoven, along with Lisa, thanks to them for supporting me. Dear Tommy, who came to support too, thanks very much, though i think u were having a hard time accepting Chinese music. My family members of course, being my grandparents, Winnie, Mervin, Dorothy and Yong, Maria and Nerissa, Gloria, Douglas and WeiKeat. It was a pleasure and really a stapled smile on my cheeks to see u guys at my concert. Im so grateful for u guys to keep supporting me though the tickets were really expensive! Im so thankful, i dunno what else i can do. Well, and of course finally to my dear friend, QingLun, who fought with me in the morning.

Well, QingLun, i dun wish to put everything here, but roughly... its still... ur fault! I think sometimes our fate is in the script of a play. How can such things happen over and over again? I really cant believe it, though im certainly sure that ive done my part. So, with his insensitivity, he made me tear. He never fails! We fought over messages, and i seriously mean long messages like 2 or 3 pages long each. He didnt wanna pick up my phone, and so i didnt care after calling once.

We met at SCH, and everything was fine. QingLun, ur full of surprises. I hate surprises... Anyway, we chatted on the phone late at night till deep into the wee hours. We laughed at silly things, talked about dirty things... im joking, and we shared some thoughts. Well, he's still sure that its my fault. Whateva! Anything! Go get a can. And, hello, please!

Today, after catching the very... interesting... concert at NAFA, i headed home immediately with KaiXiang. Well, its a totally new feel. U know, sometimes u idle in school, wasting time... finding mates to eat prata or something, its a total waste of time. U see, after arriving home earlier, i could illegally download songs, search for some photos and even listened to some music. I can do so much at home, in the joy of my comfort zone! While walking there, KaiXiang, or Rit, shared some music with me.

Surprised, as we were too, we met Joe on the bus too. Well, now at least i know i can find some other people to accompany me home! But Joe and ShaSha dropped off at Novena, probably because of the packed bus. My ears were parched with new music, after Rit shared some, i was so motivated to go seek and hunt for such music myself. He was embarrassing in the bus! I was busy hiding my face, but theres nothing bigger for me to seek refuge.

After alighting, i brought him to my vacinity. We walked over to the coffeeshop, to grab a bite. He had dinner, and i bought him light snacks and drinks. Mom was there, and i think she was surprised to see me and my friend. I passed her my bag, and i went to sit with Rit on a separate table. He was busy teaching me Thai, and i think i did quite well though my brain is currently switched off already. Busy server i guess... i just cant remember much... It was fun talking to him, crapping and laughing cock. Its really sick at times... i just dunno what to say.

Well, i walked him back to his stop, and waited together for his bus. Sang some songs... and said goodbye.

I dunno why, but i know there are things i shouldnt say here. This isnt regarding anything uve just read, dun think so far yet. I'll guide u slowly... follow my lines. I think, its like the poles, and i find that people from a different upbringing of instrumental studies, especially the Chinese woodwinds, are of a wierd category in my magazine. Theres so much to look out for, but somehow, they're different, very much different. Read between the lines...

Alright, my Mom just came in to give me that cold stare and commanded me to go to bed. Its the general's command! How can i not obey? So, rest well people. Enjoy and goodnight!

First Week

Its later than i thought. Its already the fourth day of school. Hows life? Hows school? The usual questions i hear around. Well, to be honest, i thought its kinda great. However, to be realistic, it sucks. Theres a difference there, if u dun get it. It doesnt matter, whats important is that i get to rest more and relax more than the previous year. So grateful for that! And of course, being blessed with friends around.

This is a busy week. Other than school, ive to handle with my rehearsals for CSCO. This Sunday, we'll be performing at SCH already. Guest conductor, HuBingXu, is so far one of the greatest ive seen. Back then, there was ZhangLie who i enjoyed his logical explanations very much. His temper was not thrown around like ive heard he would. Being merciful towards us, being an amateur orchestra, unlike his usual professional orchestras. Its his first time conducting an amateur orchestra, i hope he'll find something new with us, as we learn many other new things from him. U see, if theres an exchange, its a good bargain. However, if he finds us irritating and hard to teach, then... theres no good trading experiences between us and the conductor. So far, so good. The concert will definitely be awesome!

Not just the concert, this time round, my tickets sold has raised up to a few percentage. I remembered that i used to return the tickets in a full booklet. Im amazed myself how supportive some of my friends are. I did call up a few friends, messaged my relatives and reminded some of my fellow musicians. Well, the reply was pretty good. Fairul, a Malay Euphonium player, even agreed to come watch my concert. I know, its strage, but im elated to learn of that. QingLun bought tickets from me, my relatives bought the most and of course, my friends like Mark and Tommy bought from me too.

Talking about Tommy, recently... there was a concert held at VCH by SNYO. Tommy was featured as a concerto soloist for the YellowRiver Piano concerto. It was played very well. I think i mentioned that already... but well, no harm mentioning again! Im also quite dissapointed with the intelligence of the audience. They are not musically aware of anything, and yet they have the cheeks to bring out their ugly concert etiquette. Its really fascinating...

Its been quite a long time since i last blogged. I told myself that i'll start blogging up my life again. Slowly, it'll eventually bring sacred place back into a holy ground for many people. Well, the holidays have clearly slowed my pace...

The first day of school was horrible. We had to audition for the choir. What the hell? Yes. I had to sing this wierd tune from the Piano that DrGoh played. I told him i couldnt get the first note, and i was immediately sent to a 'B' choir. Whats that for? I dunno. But well, its obvious that those who got the notes were sent to the supposingly better choir, 'A' choir. So, some others were forced or asked to audition for the chamber choir, which would be held on Friday mornings. Im glad that i passed the audition. Not literally passed... but im happy its over. The size of the Chinese musicians are overwhelming. As compared with the past, i think im slightly happier with the current size. However, back then... theres its pros. Though the age gap is closing up, more immature situations of course would rise. Let me recall the new musicians who joined us this year. Theres Moses, who'll be in the second year straight with QingLun and ShuMin. In the first year, theres Clara and Sophy, the twins. Also, MinHui, Joe, Candy and Michelle. The unfamiliar faces would only be Joe and Candy. Well, it was easy to get along with them... and to get them to talk, because we're all so close already. Somehow...

I took up 2 more new electives. One of which would be MrYeo's and another would be composition, not by DrGoh this year. Its by this composer. Ive heard of his name, but i just cant recall where i heard it from. But well, its alright. DrTan is my favourite lecturer so far. Though i miss DrKan's sweet voice, im starting to enjoy DrTan's humour. She's so bubbly and cute. She'll laugh at her jokes, and its very tickling for a standard of a doctorate. U get what i mean...

MrYeo's performance class will begin next week after my concert. I'll be joining the first years. Great... how great... By the way, our ensemble conductor has changed to MajorTay. I looked forward to it, and on Wednesday, i had the privilege of witnessing things myself. Before that, i had a tough time understanding counterpoint. I knew MrLim for a long time. We knew each other when i met him in ACS, he was conducting the band there. Well, we're not that close, but its not that cold listening to him teach for the first time. There was this friendly warmth there, but still... the idea of counterpoint has sunken in, but it doesnt reflect in my homework. I had a hard time filling in my assessment. It was tough! Mark, LianWei and SiHan were all bothered by the irritating issues that were not mentioned by MrLim himself during class. But well, DrGoh told us its wrong. During our composition tutorial, we gave it to him for checking. Well... i should have just ignored everything and answered those questions with my knowledge of the mentioned rules and just pass it up to Mark.

Anyway, i wont wanna talk about the ensemble. This week, many little cracks were shown in between friendships and more clouds of doubt cleared with just a gentle wind. I blew them away a time ago, but they came back to me today. I feel so much lighter when i have u around. I think u saved my life... before i fall deep into the pits of depression once again.

Its been hard clambering up. I wish not to fall, but u know, fate is not in my hands. Its in your's...

Sotto Voce

School is starting. Before it does, it has leeched me of my money. Well, not long, im sure it'll grab me by my ankle. I just need a relief, remove this shackle from my feet. Theres so much to do, theres so much to complete. Im not sure about u, but im worried for myself as i am for some others. Im sure there are plenty who'll get along just fine. They play by the rules, they play with their cards and they play well enough. As for us, we have to cheat. Some may see through a juggler's trick, but while others, they gape at it.

Ive lived and suffer long enough. Im sure its time to move on. To think about it, ive forgiven many, forgotten much but forgone little. Much of my woe stays. They do not free me, neither do i seek to liberate myself from its snare. Freedom is mine for the taking sooner or later. However, how ready am i? That, troubles me. My face remains wrinkled as i live by day and night, harrying myself with a burden that i cannot carry.

I wanna look far enough. Further than my eyes can bring me. But then again, bring me out of sight...

That day, i went to support Tommy. He played a concerto with SNYO. Well, it was great! I loved the third movement most, and its obvious that the other girls were... kinda poorer. Anyway, after that, Tommy's family treated us to supper at HongKongCafe. I felt kinda bad, but since his father was willing to, im kinda alright with that. Anyway, im sure i'll have another chance to treat Tommy or Audrey to something else some day. Goodjob Tommy, keep it up and build up more courage. Well, im looking at a mirror actually, i think im not any far from Tommy. Ive some fears... but well, ive to pretend to overcome them. It really depends on my audience...

Well, the CSCO concert is coming. The tickets are selling fast. In fact, i started selling mine today only, and ive left with just one last ticket. Im sure i'll need a few more, but well... its really hard to encourage people to attend the concert. U know, when its free, they'll consider. If its expensive, they'll really consider till they forget. Ive many replies, which from it ive learned how people react with stressful questions. Im sure there'll be a day that i'll use those innovative and creative replies on them. I simply learn from the best.

Theres much to say, but theres more to hide. I got quite a few comments... but somehow, its as soft as the wind. It shall appear as a guide, when all lights turn out on u.