Im not that tough. Im not.
Im just different when im alone. U know, i sit by my window, facing my computer, staring out to the morning skies. Sometimes, leaning upon the frames... i just let myself go. Why hide it? Theres nobody else here. Just let it go.
It brings back memories. A long time ago, i was caught by my friends. They saw it, i hid it. It took me long enough to run away. I remembered that day, from then i knew... im an unhappy child. I recalled WeiFeng's voice, and flashes of Jonathan chasing me. Then there was once, on the way home with my friends, he was down there. Waited for me, and there was nothing that came out of my mouth. Questions slapped me in the face, and i hid it. Now, i just cant believe it that he is gone. Its like just yesterday. Its almost a year now, i hope he'll remember that he has a son still here. I know, i heard the apologies in my head everytime. U know, its easy to forgive... but never easy to forget.
Now, i look out, and see nothing but a starry sky. U know, its hard to spot stars. When u need them, they're often unseen. U know, hiding away in the clouds... but when u see them, u take them for granted. Im feeling strange, its sapping away my emotions. Soon, i'll turn numb. Then, i'll head for bed.
Im still not sleeping.
Unconditional love. What is that again? Eternal love, i know, theres almost no joy. When u let somebody go, because u know that he or she will not be happy with u, thats eternal love. On the other hand, those limited love applies to short lived relationships, aimlessly knocking upon each others doors. Nobody will be there to answer. I have eternal love within me, still burning like a lit candle. However, have u ever seen a dark flame? It keeps eternity rolling...
Somethings can never be undone. Whats done is done, and consequences takes place right after. I sit by my window, whispering to the wind, hoping that it'll carry my words to somebody's ears.
Breaking the silence, a cold shiver chills my spine. Unconsciously, i'll feel somebody patting my shoulder at times, even an echoe of my name. I'll look around aimlessly, only to disappoint myself. Ive wondered... its my sanity, isnt it? Or my uncontrollable thoughts. Frantic, yes... frantic.
Ive caked my memories upon a piece of white paper. Ive glued my childhood photos on an empty album. I took my favourite colouring book and packed it with my bedtime storybooks. And now, i look at them... and i smile, they're all still blank.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Wait For Me
Whats reading without imagination? Whats blogging without emotions? Read slowly.
That night, i stayed up. I waited... and u know how it feels? Well, silly me. U know, every single day, its always this day that wakes me up. Putting me to sleep even. Why? Because sleeping would bring me one day closer. Now, i just dun feel like sleeping, because i dun want this day to just fly away again. Again, it has. Silly me... even now, im still holding hopes for next year.
U know, that wind that blew me coldly on the face that day? Its that familiar wind that blows on us that very day, and again, on this very day. Its not even my birthday that i'll mark my calendar with the sweetest lipstick. Its not even anybody's! I just feel so angry that it just goes by like that everytime. U know? Do u feel how i feel? I know its been said before. I just cant stop myself from cooking up my emotions. U know, its been locked since very long. The keys, only u know where they are. Please, give it back. Please.
Many people have their reasons to live on. I stare out the window every dawn, to surprise myself that its grey than whats often believed as a bright lovely sunrise. Sadly, nobody has really sat there every single dawn to witness its reality. Its been raining heavily almost every morning on odd days. I stare out... and wonder what brings these people to strive on in life. Isit career? Isit family? Somehow, i know its never love. Though it brings people to life, and powerful enough to take it away, i think its a chain, a shackle. Ive experienced it before, a few times... and not forgetting seeing others changed. Some disfigured themselves, while some hiding the pain. Swallow hard, and even harder ur gone. Uve seen those grey skies, havent u?
Best friends. Yes, a few loyal ones... and quite a handful of fair-weathered ones. Well, many fell into dangerous predicaments. Dilemma, such horrible clutches. We stood at the cross roads, but never once chose the same path. Life's like that, reality even worse, they'll let u make ur decisions. But, they wont send u ur bill till uve chosen the wrong path. Ive seen many fly. They fly fast, really fast. Nesting around with other flocks, yes... a common sight. A pain at times, but a sigh mostly, a deep regret.
So, recently i had a BBQ with some of my friends. When i detached myself from my usual gang, i bubbles started to pop. I know, i cant just stick with them forever. I thank this person for always being so concern. Thanks for the cheering, those words. I think its really too much for what i deserve. I look to myself in the mirror, and i see wasted friendships. Those were scars, marked on my face and will never leave me alone. Haunting me every minute, every second... only times when im sleeping, dreaming is the last place i hope to remind myself of such nightmares. And yes, most of the time... i'll smile to myself, for having such a friend. Indeed, a treasure from the pirate's box.
I think it was great, kindled some new bonds, and repaired some old ones. I invited ChaiXia over, and there are some secret dealings we made. Well, hope that she enjoyed herself, i didnt have time to entertain her much, because i was having trouble entertaining myself. I tried watching some VCDs, but it didnt work. We played games, and it was a hell load of fun for me. Im really bored. Soon, time slipped away like sand and it was time for lights out. There were 4 beds, but 1o of us. Its obvious that its impossible to contain all of us, i didnt sleep. Im not sure, maybe its the discontent that killed my mood.
Theres nothing for me to say, because its not anybody's fault. But, theres just this reason for myself to boil. Ive endured this aversion since the BBQ, but theres no valid reason for myself to get upset. Im at wrong, i know. But i cant just forget it. The uneasiness didnt falter, it lasted till i put myself to sleep. I slept at home.
I was sitting on the bed, and it was quite a rash decision for me to just leave. Dedric wanted to go home, and he offered me a ride. It wasnt me to say no. But, that day, i rejected.
Lyrics and music filled my mind. It brought away the dismay, and brought to me hopelessness. I sat in the chilling bus, dared not rest my eyes, but did not have the courage to settle my thoughts. This train of thoughts have been running ever since that day. U might not know, but this shine began a long time ago. So early, u might not even know me then. But it was that smile, from then i knew. Ur my friend.
Fondness, its my biggest mistake. I feel that its a bridge that cannot be destroyed. I cant live on with my sleepless nights. But, im going to.
Lets wait for next year then. Lets wait.
That night, i stayed up. I waited... and u know how it feels? Well, silly me. U know, every single day, its always this day that wakes me up. Putting me to sleep even. Why? Because sleeping would bring me one day closer. Now, i just dun feel like sleeping, because i dun want this day to just fly away again. Again, it has. Silly me... even now, im still holding hopes for next year.
U know, that wind that blew me coldly on the face that day? Its that familiar wind that blows on us that very day, and again, on this very day. Its not even my birthday that i'll mark my calendar with the sweetest lipstick. Its not even anybody's! I just feel so angry that it just goes by like that everytime. U know? Do u feel how i feel? I know its been said before. I just cant stop myself from cooking up my emotions. U know, its been locked since very long. The keys, only u know where they are. Please, give it back. Please.
Many people have their reasons to live on. I stare out the window every dawn, to surprise myself that its grey than whats often believed as a bright lovely sunrise. Sadly, nobody has really sat there every single dawn to witness its reality. Its been raining heavily almost every morning on odd days. I stare out... and wonder what brings these people to strive on in life. Isit career? Isit family? Somehow, i know its never love. Though it brings people to life, and powerful enough to take it away, i think its a chain, a shackle. Ive experienced it before, a few times... and not forgetting seeing others changed. Some disfigured themselves, while some hiding the pain. Swallow hard, and even harder ur gone. Uve seen those grey skies, havent u?
Best friends. Yes, a few loyal ones... and quite a handful of fair-weathered ones. Well, many fell into dangerous predicaments. Dilemma, such horrible clutches. We stood at the cross roads, but never once chose the same path. Life's like that, reality even worse, they'll let u make ur decisions. But, they wont send u ur bill till uve chosen the wrong path. Ive seen many fly. They fly fast, really fast. Nesting around with other flocks, yes... a common sight. A pain at times, but a sigh mostly, a deep regret.
So, recently i had a BBQ with some of my friends. When i detached myself from my usual gang, i bubbles started to pop. I know, i cant just stick with them forever. I thank this person for always being so concern. Thanks for the cheering, those words. I think its really too much for what i deserve. I look to myself in the mirror, and i see wasted friendships. Those were scars, marked on my face and will never leave me alone. Haunting me every minute, every second... only times when im sleeping, dreaming is the last place i hope to remind myself of such nightmares. And yes, most of the time... i'll smile to myself, for having such a friend. Indeed, a treasure from the pirate's box.
I think it was great, kindled some new bonds, and repaired some old ones. I invited ChaiXia over, and there are some secret dealings we made. Well, hope that she enjoyed herself, i didnt have time to entertain her much, because i was having trouble entertaining myself. I tried watching some VCDs, but it didnt work. We played games, and it was a hell load of fun for me. Im really bored. Soon, time slipped away like sand and it was time for lights out. There were 4 beds, but 1o of us. Its obvious that its impossible to contain all of us, i didnt sleep. Im not sure, maybe its the discontent that killed my mood.
Theres nothing for me to say, because its not anybody's fault. But, theres just this reason for myself to boil. Ive endured this aversion since the BBQ, but theres no valid reason for myself to get upset. Im at wrong, i know. But i cant just forget it. The uneasiness didnt falter, it lasted till i put myself to sleep. I slept at home.
I was sitting on the bed, and it was quite a rash decision for me to just leave. Dedric wanted to go home, and he offered me a ride. It wasnt me to say no. But, that day, i rejected.
Lyrics and music filled my mind. It brought away the dismay, and brought to me hopelessness. I sat in the chilling bus, dared not rest my eyes, but did not have the courage to settle my thoughts. This train of thoughts have been running ever since that day. U might not know, but this shine began a long time ago. So early, u might not even know me then. But it was that smile, from then i knew. Ur my friend.
Fondness, its my biggest mistake. I feel that its a bridge that cannot be destroyed. I cant live on with my sleepless nights. But, im going to.
Lets wait for next year then. Lets wait.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
To You
Cool, now Blogger saves ur draft every minute, to ensure that what uve typed will not go into waste due to stupid computer system suicides. Well, its been ages since i last dusted my blog, and it seems to me that very seldom anybody would now drop by to see whats left to salvage from their hungry boredom. Here it is! Another entry to set my day. Another entry to kill urs.
Its difficult to recall what happened during my previous entry. U know, its like those hide and seek thoughts that lurks behind ur brain. And well, todays a special day. Significant not just to the one and only, but to me too. May all ur wishes come true, unlike those dwindling hopes of mine which laid in the bin years ago. Ive given up as much as uve once did, but im still holding on to the little pieces. Feasible or not, it doesnt matter anymore. As i turn my head to take one more glance of the past, i smile... and just rub the silliness out of me. But well, others always say... love is silly.
Im not angry. I just look to my phone, hoping that i'll recieve a message on this day for a response. Though ive expected nothing in return, because ive learned that recieving is joy but yet giving is bliss. I know as much as u do that we wouldnt wish to be flushed back into memory lane for such ridicule. However, who can blame the naivity in a boy? Its silliness that drives him, its that little innocence which makes his world goes round. Im touched, not once, not twice, but just again by this blissful thought. A thought uve left behind as a fragment for the mirror, the mirror of my life.
Recently, ive been indulged into watching Korean dramas, variety shows and even some stupid Korean songs. Its like an addict to glue, ive bought many Korean dramas and watched almost every Korean crap on YouTube, and of course... downloaded illegally many Korean songs! I know, its kinda stupid. But can u believe it? Even WhampoaHilton is watching Korean stuff on the net now, why not me? Thanks to Audrey for her recommendation, and for others like myself for the spirit which thrives me into digging more Korean stuff. But well, i wonder... what makes this craze? I think its not the actors, nor the actresses. Its the plot of the stories. Its just so similar in a way that when i watch them, it brings a sense of belonging somehow. I must say that its impossible that i'd grown from such backgrounds, because the stories are just too fairytale like. Its like it happens only in once upon a time lands. But u have to admit! When u laugh and cry with the stupid plasma screen, u'll just relate urself with them. Its this weird thing that keeps the people going on with stupid ridiculous Korean dramas. Its stupid! Thats why people love it! U have to agree.
This feeling has been creeping behind my back since then. When? Im not very sure myself. Ive been wondering whats happening and whats going on. Im too lazy to step out of my comfort zone to find out, and too afraid that i'll blow my cover. I think its time to do as im told. Its a game. Yes, i think it really is. But, i dun think i can afford to play, its not the money or time at stake, its the emotions. I think and i think, i never do. I think its time to do something. Look, im thinking again! When will this stop?
I went out recently with YongRui, SiHan, Mark and Christoven. Not together, but on different ocassions. Yesterday, i went out with Christoven and Mark. And 2 days before that, i went to YongRui's place with SiHan. It was that day, SiHan wanted to watch this opera at Esplanade, but he didnt buy the tickets, which we thought that he already did. Its so expensive, its like $120. To me, i think its not worth the money for a show like that. So, we realised when we stared into his horse face that he didnt buy the tickets yet and its already sold out till their last show. Too bad, and so sad. Well, if it was me, i would have bought the tickets a few days in advance! But thanks to fate, we went to Suntec to catch a brilliant movie. A comedy to chill the day, excellent.
I think ive already scanned through all the movies this season. Now, im just waiting for the month to pass so that there'll be more to enjoy. I watched 4 movies with SiHan this month, and its the only 4 which i'll rather watch. Its kinda funny, on the first day of May, the official release of Spiderman, he came over to AngMoKio early in the morning to catch the first screening with me at Jubilee. Well, it was fun, and definitely the first time for me to catch a movie that early. It wasnt quite full yet, because its the first show. And next, another day at Bishan, we caught 2 movies in a row. The first would be another sad children show. I think this world is changing, especially with Britain using touching children shows to enlighten the world. I thought it was stupid, and i still think so too. My hair stood throughout the movie, with thoughts of such horrible childhood flashing through my eyes. I think im lucky! Im not gonna say the title, u guess. And the other would be a zombie show, yes theres only one in town. Lastly, the funniest and i would give my three thumbs up, 'Blades of Glory'.
Its the holidays! And i seriously cant wait for school to start. Before that, of course... my dear Australia trip. My friends are going over to China, i hope they have fun though i'll love to tag along. I wanna ask myself, whats this doubts im having about? Sometimes i'll just think too much ahead. I manipulate my own emotions to an extent that im my own enemy. I think its kinda bad... and not to mention, unhealthy. I realised that, the more im distant with my friends, the more i worry. I'll start thinking funny... and its not really funny... words dun express how i mean at times. Its seriously... funny. As in a bad way.
There'll be a BBQ this Sunday, which is tomorrow and i'll have to pay $30. Well, its sounded so expensive... but i thought, it was my suggestion to make everyone pay $30 at least. I laughed...
I'll be heading down to SCH later in a few minutes time to catch a concert. Fellow Pipa player, Harry, will be performing a solo, i thought it'll be good to go watch. Moreover, QingLun... nothing. And i'll see ChaiXia there too, i wanna scold her! She's telling me that she has no money, not even $10! Well, its a secret. Its already a special discount!
Im quite bothered with my long hair. I dunno how to manage it, and i dun wish to cut it just yet. I wanna cut it short before leaving to Australia... because i dun wanna waste money making it short now since im always at home. And i wanna complain about Singapore's weather! Can i lodge a complain to the government? They should plant more trees! So thick that it shelters the whole island away from sunlight, trapping heat and lowering in the infiltration of the precipitate. That'll be great!
As u can see, im getting bored... and im going out of point. I hate to eat fish.
See what i mean? So, see u guys soon. Actually... they should make a week holiday from every month, to balance up the holidays. Dun u think that'll be better? Or else we're like all trapped in boredom sticky tapes. Help me... im bored, but... im lazier!
Its difficult to recall what happened during my previous entry. U know, its like those hide and seek thoughts that lurks behind ur brain. And well, todays a special day. Significant not just to the one and only, but to me too. May all ur wishes come true, unlike those dwindling hopes of mine which laid in the bin years ago. Ive given up as much as uve once did, but im still holding on to the little pieces. Feasible or not, it doesnt matter anymore. As i turn my head to take one more glance of the past, i smile... and just rub the silliness out of me. But well, others always say... love is silly.
Im not angry. I just look to my phone, hoping that i'll recieve a message on this day for a response. Though ive expected nothing in return, because ive learned that recieving is joy but yet giving is bliss. I know as much as u do that we wouldnt wish to be flushed back into memory lane for such ridicule. However, who can blame the naivity in a boy? Its silliness that drives him, its that little innocence which makes his world goes round. Im touched, not once, not twice, but just again by this blissful thought. A thought uve left behind as a fragment for the mirror, the mirror of my life.
Recently, ive been indulged into watching Korean dramas, variety shows and even some stupid Korean songs. Its like an addict to glue, ive bought many Korean dramas and watched almost every Korean crap on YouTube, and of course... downloaded illegally many Korean songs! I know, its kinda stupid. But can u believe it? Even WhampoaHilton is watching Korean stuff on the net now, why not me? Thanks to Audrey for her recommendation, and for others like myself for the spirit which thrives me into digging more Korean stuff. But well, i wonder... what makes this craze? I think its not the actors, nor the actresses. Its the plot of the stories. Its just so similar in a way that when i watch them, it brings a sense of belonging somehow. I must say that its impossible that i'd grown from such backgrounds, because the stories are just too fairytale like. Its like it happens only in once upon a time lands. But u have to admit! When u laugh and cry with the stupid plasma screen, u'll just relate urself with them. Its this weird thing that keeps the people going on with stupid ridiculous Korean dramas. Its stupid! Thats why people love it! U have to agree.
This feeling has been creeping behind my back since then. When? Im not very sure myself. Ive been wondering whats happening and whats going on. Im too lazy to step out of my comfort zone to find out, and too afraid that i'll blow my cover. I think its time to do as im told. Its a game. Yes, i think it really is. But, i dun think i can afford to play, its not the money or time at stake, its the emotions. I think and i think, i never do. I think its time to do something. Look, im thinking again! When will this stop?
I went out recently with YongRui, SiHan, Mark and Christoven. Not together, but on different ocassions. Yesterday, i went out with Christoven and Mark. And 2 days before that, i went to YongRui's place with SiHan. It was that day, SiHan wanted to watch this opera at Esplanade, but he didnt buy the tickets, which we thought that he already did. Its so expensive, its like $120. To me, i think its not worth the money for a show like that. So, we realised when we stared into his horse face that he didnt buy the tickets yet and its already sold out till their last show. Too bad, and so sad. Well, if it was me, i would have bought the tickets a few days in advance! But thanks to fate, we went to Suntec to catch a brilliant movie. A comedy to chill the day, excellent.
I think ive already scanned through all the movies this season. Now, im just waiting for the month to pass so that there'll be more to enjoy. I watched 4 movies with SiHan this month, and its the only 4 which i'll rather watch. Its kinda funny, on the first day of May, the official release of Spiderman, he came over to AngMoKio early in the morning to catch the first screening with me at Jubilee. Well, it was fun, and definitely the first time for me to catch a movie that early. It wasnt quite full yet, because its the first show. And next, another day at Bishan, we caught 2 movies in a row. The first would be another sad children show. I think this world is changing, especially with Britain using touching children shows to enlighten the world. I thought it was stupid, and i still think so too. My hair stood throughout the movie, with thoughts of such horrible childhood flashing through my eyes. I think im lucky! Im not gonna say the title, u guess. And the other would be a zombie show, yes theres only one in town. Lastly, the funniest and i would give my three thumbs up, 'Blades of Glory'.
Its the holidays! And i seriously cant wait for school to start. Before that, of course... my dear Australia trip. My friends are going over to China, i hope they have fun though i'll love to tag along. I wanna ask myself, whats this doubts im having about? Sometimes i'll just think too much ahead. I manipulate my own emotions to an extent that im my own enemy. I think its kinda bad... and not to mention, unhealthy. I realised that, the more im distant with my friends, the more i worry. I'll start thinking funny... and its not really funny... words dun express how i mean at times. Its seriously... funny. As in a bad way.
There'll be a BBQ this Sunday, which is tomorrow and i'll have to pay $30. Well, its sounded so expensive... but i thought, it was my suggestion to make everyone pay $30 at least. I laughed...
I'll be heading down to SCH later in a few minutes time to catch a concert. Fellow Pipa player, Harry, will be performing a solo, i thought it'll be good to go watch. Moreover, QingLun... nothing. And i'll see ChaiXia there too, i wanna scold her! She's telling me that she has no money, not even $10! Well, its a secret. Its already a special discount!
Im quite bothered with my long hair. I dunno how to manage it, and i dun wish to cut it just yet. I wanna cut it short before leaving to Australia... because i dun wanna waste money making it short now since im always at home. And i wanna complain about Singapore's weather! Can i lodge a complain to the government? They should plant more trees! So thick that it shelters the whole island away from sunlight, trapping heat and lowering in the infiltration of the precipitate. That'll be great!
As u can see, im getting bored... and im going out of point. I hate to eat fish.
See what i mean? So, see u guys soon. Actually... they should make a week holiday from every month, to balance up the holidays. Dun u think that'll be better? Or else we're like all trapped in boredom sticky tapes. Help me... im bored, but... im lazier!
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