I Am Still Who I Am

Beyond the setting sun lies another place in another time. This piece of land which i speak has marshmallow floating in its boundless sky and the reflection of caramel off the rising sun of gold. As my sun sets, a morning rises from somewhere else. As i see the coming of dark, my friends will see the nearing of dawn.

Im alone.

Is there yet another unfortunate to share my bitterness?

Please erase the emo opening that i just made from ur mind. It might still stay fresh, but refrain from blending that with my entry today... because that was my previous uncomplete post. Instead of labeling it junk, why not just randomly insert it an introduction. Shocking as it may sound, or hair-raising, but actually im feeling rather simple currently. So here goes...

Its been some time since i last took the effort to even consider blogging. In fact, i did settle down with some thoughts and actually laid my fingers on the keyboard to type a few paragraphs. They were structured and organised. Unable to focus in length, i threw the short-termed determination away and went gaming instead. My bad, my bad.

And so, i was worried and pestered by shrouding pessimism. These mystic creatures clawed and dug their nails deep into my wound. As the days wore on, i feel a reluctance gripping over my heart. I was disheartened and humiliated by self-reproach. It is inevitable that this paranoia would eventually weather my confidence into something least stable. Feeling brittle and vulnerable to judgement and negative comments. However, being the adept filter that i am, i was able to sieve the sand apart from the water. Adapting this technique has strengthened my survival skills in this competitive world. Delusional as i might at times call it, but deluding myself aint self-mocking. Its actually encouragement unlike learning in through a hard lesson. Cushioned landing. Yes, cushioned landing.

Then, i realised that theres actually nobody to judge u except for urself. Im the blockade i have to pass. Im the hurdle i have to jump. Im the fear i have to banish. Im everything i sort peace for, and only through me can i find comfort. Therefore, within the last few weeks before concert, i seeked for inner peace and serenity. Calmness claimed me just as quickly as it returned me into the void.

I was down with high fever. Its merely three days away from my concerto debut and im down with misfortune. Unwittingly, i went outdoors, under the sun, by myself, to run an important errand. I headed all the way to AlbertCourtHotel to rent for an academic gown. It was crowded with all the late birds. I had to wait for a long time for my catch, and when i did, they told me ive to pay by either cheque or cash for the worms. So, i walked all the way over to SimLim. That took the toll. I felt my head spinning and the floor below constantly seemed to vibrate vigorously. I was about to faint, and ive never felt any sensation such as this before. It was the first time that blacking out seems feasible at last. I was curious and hoped that i would so my misery would end temporarily. However, after a few minutes rest, i found myself aheading for the ATM machine. I had to travel back and forth. Upon recieving my gown, i took a bus home.

Ive never felt much worse than the food poisoning incident back then in 1997. The illness took me by the hand and tugged me forcefully. I feel the world fading against the dull backdrop of traffic and passing faces. Then, i fell.

I laid in bed for the entire night. I was deprived of all activities other than sleep. Recuperation never felt that distant. It came slow in the middle of the night. Mom was out of town and thus i was under the care of my three tenants. They are nice people who will be willing to lend a helping hand when one is needed. Kind and considerate, they hang around much with my Mom, keeping her company and they certainly do enjoying staying at our house. So, with the absence of Mom, they took me under their wings. They made me remedies, bought me medicine and cooked for me. With their attention, signs of recovery appeared overnight. I was beginning to heal and i thought there might be hope for my concerto debut.

Who knows?

Just as i was on the long journey of slow recovery, my uncle decided to concoct a remedy for my sore throat. Ive no idea what he used but it sure tasted sweet and somehow like those made-belief drinks that they sell outside for quenching thirst, cooling off body heat and curing fever. It is unforseen that by drinking that potion weltered i would fall into a worsen state of fever and sore throat. The sweet drink caused further damage to my throat. And i ate some pills that were kindly provided by ChaiXia. After taking the pills, my hands and feet grew tiny blisters. These blisters werent painful till i burst three of them. It made my hand numb, and i could feel a torrent of electricity flowing through my palms when i get a grip on an object. I couldnt walk without limping, due to the pain from the cute little blisters.

This misery ended right after my concerto debut.

I didnt play as best as my rehearsal, but im certainly shocked to finally have found peace on stage. Mike, music director and conductor, told me that constant rehearsals with the orchestra will surely improve my confidence for an accompanied performance. Performing two concertos in one night, under such bad conditions, aint easy for me. Moreover, its harder for me to swallow that fact that i might have disappointed in quite a number of audience who attended to watch me. Some were there to discourage, some were there to support and most were there to enjoy.

After the performance, i went to the stagedoor. At that moment, i heard cheers burning through my ears and i knew that those are my friends, people who wouldnt mind how i play but support me as long as im on stage. I must thank those who attended the concert; SiHan, YongRui, Audrey, Martin, Angela, Jwen, Evan, Jobyna, Amy, Jacky, Winnie, Mervin and their boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands and pets. Thank u so much for attending my debut! There were those who couldnt make it, and i understand; Christoven, Mark and those who were sincere to at least send me their regards. Im grateful for any effort in cheering me up. Now that these are all memories, some part will still leave a scar in my mind. There are many things to be happy about but still a few that i wouldnt wanna remember.

Had a great night with my friends. After the performance, we went to catch The Beatles performance, and dragged some other friends along for a night to be remembered. We hung out till 3 in the morning, and took the Nightrider home.

I was so shagged.

Now that the performance is finally over, i have greater things ahead of me. Sometimes, like they always say, a problem will reveal itself like a blossom just as another has withered away. Alright, nobody said that, i did. National enslavement. That is my greatest worry now. I just had a performance with MDC a few days ago. It was happening for me, a world of laughing matters, but might be just an ordinary day, a bothersome wont, to them. The performance was alright, dinner was great and the ride home was the best. I got to see many of the musicians and music lovers that night during the function. It was a dinner for the convention that took place a few days ago. Well, nothing much... there was fish, chicken, vegetable. Yes, i drank Coke.

I brought Mom to the cinema to watch MoneyNotEnough2. I watched it myself a few days ago and i managed to lie and convince here to go watch with me today. She talked to me quite loudly in the cinema, good thing those around us were aunties. I dunno why, but when i watched it myself, because nobody is free to watch it with me and my days are numbered so i thought i should spend my time wisely, the cinema was more alive and everybody was laughing. Today, when i was watching and recalling the scenes, i was anticipating for laughter but it seemed that they didnt catch the joke or they dun find it funny at all. Its wierd that even i find it funny! Those aunties are pathetic! Anyway, there was this auntie beside Mom were kept talking to herself. The movie is very touching and Mom kept crying. I peeped over, because i knew that she would cry! And bingo! She did. I cried when i watched it in the cinema. Well, i dun usually cry... but when i watch movie myself, i'll usually cry. In the cinema, i'll control my tears even when im alone. Next time, put a hidden cam infront of the TV and secretly tape me watching Korean drama. U'll be shocked!

Well, im home now. Composing for fun and blogging for quenching my ennui. Im heading for the games now... and ive no time for fanciful entries. Believe it or not, this blog entry is compiled over a few weeks. U can tell from the different style due to different mood on different days. But one this aint different. Im still me!