Indigestible Chunk

For somebody like u, it never happens that what ur friends are going through. U think its possible and easy to let go of things or just live on with the junks u leave behind. However, when u leave these bags of rubbish, others have to suffer to clear them for u. Irresponsible, yet ironic how preaching is ur hobby. How righteous and rightful in ur judgements indeed. Preoccupied with nothing but ur own schedule, stubbornly refusing to succumb urself to changes or sacrifices for others. Busy with ur own nonsense and sometimes nothing. I curse that one day u'll realise that u have nobody else other than urself. That day has yet to come. But when it does, i will not be there and i will not give a damn. I would prefer it if u were to leave me alone now. It is healthier if u were to leave me completely out of ur circle of friends as to compared to ur self centered approach to friendship. What am i? U come and leave as u wish, without a single speck of concern for my feelings? Im not ranting like im being used. Thats just too far do describe our mere relationship as schoolmates. Wait a minute, from best friend to good friend, and from there to schoolmate. I think we can reduce ourselves to just fellow citizens of Singapore? Or casual strangers? It seems that u treat me as one anyway. I have made my point of chiding and rebuking u to knock these senses into ur head. U have acknowledged them but showed little interest in acting upon them, strongly believing that its genetic and irrevocable. Changeless? I think ur just doomed with ur character, and trust me, even now u'll agree. I dun need u to agree to what im saying, i know what i am saying and im sure thats how i feel about u. There is no room for any of ur useless agreements. I need only one thing which u have failed to achieve ever since i started pointing out ur flaws. And that thing happen to be something called 'change'. As for me? U told me what i need to change, and have i not changed? It appears that u want me to leave u alone. Isnt that so? No need for ur excuses about its u and not me for our predicament. Why? Because im sure that we are heading aimlessly for a solution. U do not care even if i were to change, because u cannot care less about a stranger! Or should i say, a fellow citizen of Singapore. Despite, u would prefer that i leave u alone. Why would i think so? Because if i were to leave u alone, u would slowly forget about my existence. I have ceased to exist. However, im here as a harsh reminder that im still here and i'll never let u fling me off. If one day i have to, i'll be the one to make the decision to let go. After all, u would not bother in any way to show that u care. Therefore, the decision lies with me and it is my suffering and curse to lose a friend like u. Then again, it is not my loss. Im sure ur tired and does it even occur to u that im the one feeling fatigue about this? Not just this, i mean these. Who are the ones who set what is normal and what is not? U, urself and urself. Ur the fault itself for being so passively faking through with these kind and comforting remarks. U say so much about how u feel and what u mean and what u really want me to believe. But u preach like a typical priest! U do not practice them or make me believe in them. Faith? U want me to follow and believe u blindly as u say till one day i realise the truth about ur promises? That day, i'll break down and die. Time does not allow that day to pass, and i would rather die than to hear myself out. Did i ask too much? Honestly, ask urself what im asking for. And ive recited that a million times to the Buddha and Madonna statues. They are unresponsive to my request, because they are dead and they care not for me and my concerns. But u, as somebody that u promise and sworn to be, act like one of them, only less thoughtful and supportive. I can even find comfort in the eyes of Mary, but never from u. Am i asking too much? I face rejection everyday, and im already used to its wear and tear. But from u, it seems that its an endless list of excuses. And worse, excuses reused over and over again. What do i ask of u? Have u really considered that? In detail, ask urself what have i ever asked for? My requests and simple and unselfish. But how many rejections does it take for us to reach where we are now? Ive been keeping silent for some time now and it appears to me that it does not matter only till recently. I cannot take ur indifference and insensitive statements. If i can buy faith, i wouldnt need u. So u keep me as a friend because of my uses? Of course! Of course! Typical of life and its advantages for people who manipulates with others emotionally and spiritually! Of course! How late for this realisation! How late am i! How late! How can i forgive myself for such stupidity to shroud my vision, in seeing through my values and how it appeals to draw in friends. But what can i do for u my dear? I have nothing. And its a loss to lose contact with a friend like that? Loss on my side too, but then why do u care? When did u start to care about things like that? Well, if u were to care, then why are u acting like that even though we have fought through pain and tears? It appears that ur the hypocrite this time, not me. My words are heavy and carries painful implications at times u say. But what about u? Ur words are empty and meaningless and doubtful in my ears. I cannot believe u any longer for whateva u say. U are selfish through and through. Look at urself, u know the err but yet refuse to take action to correct urself. Sympathy! Empathy! I dunno which to apply for u. It seems that ur a hopeless case! What can i say? U have agreed with somebody else that im stubborn and ignorant. Well, do u see that u have agreed with somebody more stubborn than me for passing such judgements and refuses to listen to others? Do u realise? And u stand on the side of my enemy, showing me no support and purposely not willing to turn back to give a single glance. U have done things to purposely set me ablaze and i have done so in return to enrage u. But where does this lead? Why do we do such things? Maybe its because of the little significance u show to my welfare? Have i ever acted in any way to make u feel less capable of how u feel? Have i never showed u encouragement? Have i never spoke up for u? Have i never thought of u when i have something to share? Have i ever hidden anything that u should know from u? All these, u have failed on ur part and have i ever complained till recently? I can swear that i have never done anything so explicitly wrong! I have wronged u. Sometimes i may carry my sense of humour too far into making jokes out of u, but if that does any of the above, im truly sorry. But then again, my apologies mean nothing to u in any case. And at this moment, if u even ever thought about apologising, save it! I know its the hardest word u can ever say. Well, u've changed into an animal that i have never known. I feel that i dunno u anymore. U wanna preoccupy urself with ur own selfish plans and leave me out of anything that ur doing, im fine with that, because we're just schoolmates. And u have reminded me countless of times that the line is drawn clear. Ive made it a point to embed that into my memory and to tell myself to stay away from u. But if thats clearly what u wanna achieve, keep it going, ur doing fine! And by the end of the day, u can even just forget my name and how i look. Because, i dun think that memory will serve u in any way for the rest of ur life. Im out of ur life, and ur out of mine. We go our own sweet ways, as u wish. Im not going to spend my life to wait for ur reply or response. Continue to dig in ur glory, ur as fine as hell a good person! Im sure everybody loves u for who u are! Go get urself a new toy. I should be refundable. I think. But with this scars and bruise marks, will they want me back? Even how, im sure they will. As for u, enjoy ur days when im gone. I dun wanna exaggerate things, like ive said, we're just schoolmates and i dun wish to blow this relationship of being strangers. I cannot imagine what else will categorise us other than strangers. Can u? U need some room? Some personal space? Sure, just turn around and look, u have the rest of the world to urself. There u go, the whole space on earth except for where im standing. Its all urs now! Enjoy wallowing in ur personal space!

Xi'an Trip

Life has been unkind back in Singapore, but least to my expectation, life has been worse here in China. Im currently blogging in a very friendly environment of a LAN shop in Xi'an. The air is pregnated with the smell of cigar, the floor with its ashes and probably some stains of spits. What impression u have of China, keep it.

Well, i've been here in Xi'an for four days now. Tomorrow, i'll be flying back to Singapore, landing around 5 in the morning. And that leaves me no choice but to skip another day of class! Imagine if i have to head down to school after my flight. If u can, i cant. I flew here on Saturday morning, with Dedric, Qinglun and Shelly. The latter is our in-charge. She is an excutive in the company 'Full House', who is partly organiser and supporter of this cause, this trip.

Im so thankful and Mark and ChaiXia came to see me off! We had a short breakfast, for that Mark was there slightly later. Therefore, i only had time to talk with ChaiXia more. Im so sorry if Mark felt kinda 'cheated' into going to the airport. Well, whateva it is, im very thankful!

Obviously, the flight was smooth. We touched down at the airport at Shanghai around late afternoon. We took a transit flight from there to Xi'an, which cost us an extra 3 hours, including time wasted on waiting. However, somehow i really do enjoy the sensation of being at the airport, the anticipation of flying and of course the precious time spent on the plane.

Im choking, the smell of cigar is really infiltrating and killing me. Fuck, stupid! So smelly!

Our first dinner was a plate of awe. A head from Xi'an Music Conservatory came to welcome our arrival at the airport. We boarded a small bus, and was brought to the place where JunRu and his family would be waiting. MajorTay, the president of NAFA, some of our own local reporters and MrChew's clerks were there earlier. They were having their dinner when we interupted.

Like as ive mentioned, a plate of awe. In fact, many plates. We were brought to a private room, where noise was the main occupant and probably some song-singing and crazy tunes. We took our seat with JunRu's family. MrChew welcomed us and asked us about our flight. The table was filled plates of wierd dishes, which looked promising. My sense of taste was on the verge of breaking down when we were served with royal food during our flight. Seeing those dishes, coloured mostly in brown, red, gold and green, my tongue was dying for just a bite. One bite, and i knew i'll be in heaven.

What is Xi'an known for? Of course, what else? Good food! Well, the first piece of lamb went into my mouth, and literally, my mouth shot rays of gold into the air which transformed vaguely into a shape of a soaring dragon. Alright, probably too anime for u guys. But im not exaggerating, its seriously damn bloody good! Well, i bet nobody could see much from my expectation, because it wasnt really what ive expected and im adamant to show that ive been defeated.

Songstresses sang familiar tunes, though less familiar when sung with the beauty of their local flavour. The male voice rung in the room, while cheers and talks were breaking around in the small private room for two tables. Some of us were stunned and brought away by their voice, while some were too engrossed with their discussions and poorly constructed jokes. I ate so much, i was about to vomit. And even if i were to, it'll probably taste good!

We were brought back to the hostel. Only a few of us stayed at the hostel, to understand the life of a normal student we were told, but probably for some other reasons. Unfortunately, i shared my room with Dedric. Its not that i wish not to share with him, but i would prefer to share with Qinglun. In fact, we agreed to it already, and because of his indifference to it, i grew mad.

My first few days were practically dark. I was drawn inward, within into myself, so deep that nobody could decipher any expression on my face. Shelly could, and somehow i think she knows something which i dun think she would, and she asked why im pulling such a long face. I felt lonely, due to my own prescription, and very depressed. However, thanks to my mood, i did not eat much. Despite so, im constantly feeling very full!

Tell u guys what, im not in the mood to blog now. The LAN shop stinks! And theres Qinglun and Dedric beside me. If ur wondering, Qinglun and i are fine as hell. But im feeling irritated by Dedric at times! Laugh all u want, i'll blog again when im back! I need some personal space and time to think and construct my entry. See you all!

Bon Voyage

What will come to be in a few hour's time is what i am looking forward to these few days. It has been a tough one, i thought. However, it seems anything but. Day and night went forth like an endless chase, from liquid golden to silver threads of moonlight. I sat by my window, looking out into the starry sky, wondering how different it'll look from somewhere else other than my own home. Then i wondered, how different will it be over there. Not difficult, though the answers never came, and i never expect myself to find one from my mind.

My mind is a stormy sea. To play safe, i would rather not risk waking up late, therefore i skipped my beauty sleep. It brings about memories of my first year in NAFA, when i was still under the torments of portfolios and seemingly endless piles of papers. Why now, everything aint that bad after all, isnt it? My final year in NAFA, believe it or not. As i wipe the disbelief from my eyes, i find nothing but tears. We have gone through much, and too much for some who could not take the stress. As for me, time has been pulling everything along with it in such velocity that my eyes could not catch a glimpse of any memory. Everything is so vague, including the future. Now, as i type with sleepiness clutching on my shoulders, i can only say that this is nothing compared to what once was.

I'll be heading to the airport earlier than anybody else. Christoven and ChaiXia would be seeing me off, and they do not know how grateful i am to have somebody accompany me for breakfast. I cannot ask more, for that i do not require for myself to plea. They go on their own accord, without a need for second hearing. Dedric might be meeting me, but with my knowledge of him, i doubt he will reach in time for breakfast. Whateva it is, ive a feeling that i'll be flying quite often next time. And whateva it is, whereva the source of such intuition, i'll have friends to see me off into my travels. Im thankful.

Before my Mom drove off to Malaysia, she helped me with the packing of my luggage. Without her, i would be pulled into several parts by two directions. One of my senses tells me to bring everything, while the other tells me otherwise. Being poisded in between, only my Mom makes the final judgement on what i bring. Thus, with her help, everything went smoothly and quickly. Though, i never admit to her how much help she was, instead at times i will give her an agitated look. Irritated as usual by my short temper, i will often make harsh decisions for the sake of killing time. Despite my temper, my Mom has been well equiped to withstand the pressure of my foul weathering. Again, im thankful.

Like my previous trip to Australia, i brought quite a huge sum of money. Im shocked to see so much cash. Ironic that a spendthrift would be surprised to hold such an amount in his wallet. Well, i think i wont have the time and means to get it spent.

My luggage now lies in the living room, blended into the shadows like any other objects. With a lamp on, my book lies beneath it against my soft toy. Im thought of bringing a lamp over, just in case there are not enough lights. Then again, there is the problem of space. The book however must be brought over, just like the soft toy. The soft toy, furred with lifelessness, bears an unmeasurable value. It has been entitled the position of my reading companion in bed. Not featureless, despite its permenant expression. However, sometimes i feel that it empathises. Somehow, it shares some sense of emotion through my touch. Sometimes i would bring myself to believe that it is a magical creature, wreathed in fur.

It fell not from the heavens, but an earthly gift by a mortal angel. My skin flushes at the thought of its owner, the bearer of my torch. The best friend of my soul.

In a few hours time, i'll be off to bath and to don whateva i have prepared. I'll be off in a flight towards disappointment, which i was told. I hope to waste the time with most of what i can, to spend every wasted minute with consideration for everybody. Bless me a swift journey, and a happy home coming!

Paranoia

What started as an attempt of gentle confrontation on my part has become a full-blown argument. However, nothing matters now. I just need some friends to keep my company, to occupy my time and bring me far away from my thoughts. Distraction, thats what i need most when everybody doesnt. And that is my prescription.

Life has been unkind. Time has been dedicated mostly to wild thoughts and critical thinking. Amongst the latter, mostly has bewildered me quite often enough to cause serious hassling. I hate it deep into the core. I hate the frustration, dilemma, annoyance and nuisance. They are not plainly a pain in the neck, but a huge block of wood in the ass too. Therefore, the only cure which i have discovered would be what i mentioned earlier, distraction.

I think the only solution to my previous problem would be to leave Qinglun alone. There is no use talking to him. Im trying my best here, but with futile efforts it seems. When he is done feeling whateva he is feeling, he'll come talk to me. But, i wont be surprised that this day will never come. Or then, i wont be surprised even that it'll take a few months. By then, i'll be gone. I wont be surprised that i'll feel anything. Pot calling the kettle black, look who is the paranoid one! Well, if u're reading this, i suggest u flip back to the previous post too.

Do people apologise by shouting? Not necessary the volume, but in such a tone?

I wanna share abit about life recently. I'll be flying over to China within a few days time. Im as elated as im nervous. Firstly, i have no idea what to expect there. It'll be the first time im flying over to China to have a look at their conservatory of music. However, i do know the kind of reputation Xian Conservatory of Music has. Many do opinlate their impression of the conservatory. Experimental or not, we can look to it with open ears and probably be more welcoming of such creations. Personally, i do not know them enough to pass any comments. Judgemental as i may be, but reasonable. In fact, everybody is judgemental. To say one person biased is another's biased judgement. Foolish to think so righteous about oneself when one passes judgemental comments so freely.

Sorry that im getting somewhere out of point. Because im suddenly reminded of a few incidents. And i feel injustice to what happened. Nevermind, lets just let it drop for now.

Anyway, i have to play a piece with them for a concert. I can expect the least from the performance, and probably more showers of negative comments plus a few burning hot juicy gossips. Whateva it may be, im more concerned now with other issues. The concert will be held before my concerto concert with CSCO.

I bought a few books recently. Im hooked to TerryBrooks. However, the devices he used on his previous books are used again in quite an obvious manner in the one im currently reading. While im merely a sixth done with the book, i already bought another trilogy to occupy myself. In fact, the one im reading now aint a trilogy, it has four books. I love thick books! And i love trilogies, only when they're all in one single volume! Its cheaper anyway.

Many people wish to borrow my books, but honestly, i have no idea how to reject them. Why? Because i treat my books as a personal item. If i were to lend it, i cannot trust anybody else to treat them the way i do. Will they take care of it like i do? Will it end up tattered and torn? No. I dun think that they'll leave it under the wind and the sun. But, if it happens to be damaged, will they buy me a new book? If they do, then the personal touch to it will be lost as well. That'll be sad. And it will not be easy on my part to ask for a new book from a friend. How easy isit for u to ask them to pay for damages? Everybody will just overlook it, though they do realise what a grief mistake.

I wish not for these. Therefore, i hope not to even try from the start. Meaning, i dun wish to lend any books. U know what? I treat my CDs as personal items too. Books and CDs are the only resources which people are eyeing for. I know its never a good feeling to lend people something. For me, it depends on what it is. Money is fine, because i only lend my trusted friends. Well, sadly one has proven ill for three years.

Choir practices are mentally and physically stressing. Its draining me of my voice and my strength. Worse of all, when it leaves me mentally dead, i still do have the energy to wander my mind somewhere else. In the end, im left with nothing but fatigue, exhaustion and frustration. Last night, i went for supper with quite a few. Had fun talking, which released me of my weariness. U know how it feels when ur on the verge of exploding with unsolved miseries? Not mysteries, mind u.

I'll be flying off on Saturday, early in the morning. I have to reach the airport at 8 in the morning. I hope some of u can make it to send me off. Those who are going, lets have breakfast at the airport alright? I know its abit early! Love u all.

A few days ago, i woke up to find an Indian man sitting in my living room. Today, he opened my bedroom door. He painted my door frame, and now its permeated with the smell of it. Its still lingering in my room. Its horrible!

By the way, i lost weight during the holidays last year. This time, within just a few days of extreme eating, im almost back! Im back! Back to my previous spot. Back to square one. I really hope not for this, but eating is a way of venting anger too. And im really gaining weight again, help! Honestly, it doesnt matter. But its just annoying.

Devil's Whisper

Do read my previous few entries.

Qinglun says that im paranoid, always worrying about nothing. He feels awkward, troubled and irritated by me. He says that he cannot understand the sensitive thinking of mine. He says im contradicting. He says that im overly-sensitive. And of course, im too emotional.

I must agree with everything. But he does not understand why i act this way suddenly. In fact, i feel guilty to vent my anger on him at times, because he is always the generous and giving type. Im different, i must admit. I am stubborn, strong-minded, sensitive and petty. I sincerely apologised, but he thoughtlessly brushed and rejected it. He said that i dun have to be sorry. Thats the last i wanna hear. All these could end one way or another. If we were to sit down to talk and make decisions to our actions, maybe this will be solved in a much quicker way. Sadly, i've approached every problem this way, and it turns out that im fooled. He make promises which he's too quick to accept. He'll say happy words to cheer me, but then its not what will last. Sooner or later as i have predicted, another cold war will befall. Not surprisingly, it came again. Much colder than the previous everytime.

I have thought it through. I'll forgive everything if he'll just apologise for dismissing me. He doesnt understand, i just need an answer to every question. And i hate to put a comma between problems. I'll rather settle it once for all, then to pretend that it is solved.

Back in Sydney, i was left alone by two very good friends too. Well, as for that, i was disappointed how friendship can be cast into stone with a few simple incantations. In fact, i did not feel angry in any way. I put the matter to rest, and waited for their decision. I have no say in such matters. In fact, i could not do much myself. During that period, i was feeling as helpless as a puppy. Now, with problems surfacing from every direction, Qinglun being the main cell which offshoots my other problems. U know, sometimes when u have an issue that bothers u, u'll tend to get urself so emotionally involved that more problems would arise while u brainstorm for solutions.

It does happen to me when im feeling down. When im left alone, my mind wanders far into the wilderness. I'll get misunderstood by myself, hear the devil's whispers and cast my worries back into my mind. My mind is like the sea. So unpredictable at times, ranging from a calm windless day to a nimbus storm. I feel so tired about it, and i hunger for company.

When im with my friends, i'll talk and eat and shop. These methods do help me to occupy my mind. I'll tend to be distracted away from my circle of problems. I love it when im free from the shackles of endless issues. That day, i was feeling very down. Jessica gave me a call, and we went out for dinner.

She is the best person u would wanna talk to. She has an endless range of things to talk about. I will never feel bored around her. And theres bunch of interesting stories to hear and to share. Well, we stayed out for 5 hours. We went shopping, had dinner and headed to McDonalds for a drink. We chatted for a long time, and i bought her to my favourite soup. I hope she loves it as much as i do. She passed me my pay, which i gave to ChaiXia for helping me out when im not free. Well, everybody is happy and thats what matters most.

Im gaining weight again. Im eating! Help!

I'll be flying off to China next Saturday. I have no idea what to expect, and with Qinglun there, im not sure what might arise. I went out with Dedric today, and we talked about many things. We discussed about the trip, and i shared a glimpse of my problem with Qinglun. He has nothing good to say, as usual. But he knows our character, and by that, he'll favour me less. Well, i cannot deny like i mentioned. Im the problem, not anything else. I am the very problem which im trying to solve.

I need professional help. My mind is in a mess, and its turned inside out, trashed around like smashed watermelon. I feel really helpless, because nobody will understand what im feeling now with so many things happening all at once. Honestly, theres nobody i wanna share my thoughts with currently. Everybody is so busy, and i wish not to disturb anybody now.

Goodnight. I'll blog again before i fly off...