This I Pray

It might be the fatigue or probably the boredom. Discounting my only solution of releasing emotional tension through blogging, i thought that it would be wise to be vocal. However, it was anything else but.

Im surprised, more than happy, to know that people do still 'accidentally' read my blog entries. Mostly claiming their interest in improving or exploring new grounds for the way of expressing onself through my command of the language. I hope that people do come, no matter from what problems that shakle them, for a solution or to sympathize. Some may encounter similar predicaments as i do, while some may have gone through what i may be going through currently. It does not matter who or what brings u here. The main thing is that i hope it does benefit anybody somehow or another.

They say its not always possible to tell somebody's state of mind from the way they look. U have no idea what they are thinking or might be going through emotionally. Its confusing how different applications may be running at the same time.

From my personal experience, i think expressing oneself most honestly is blatantly stupid. One must show, but yet hide certain feelings. However, expressing onself is a common way of communicating. Who says that communication must involve words? It involves in fact not just words, but certain words. Its called metalanguage. Despite words and phrases, the body language is also strongly involved in the process of communicating or conveying messages. I see mostly from facial expressions and certain important words which brings about my own sense of judgement into deciphering codes which will enable me to understand or relate myself better with my friends. However, when all connections are cut away, theres no way to understand anything from them.

Recently, this is exactly how i felt. I wish not to bring it up again. I'll just let the matter fall, fallow and when i come back to it some other day, which i will have to, lets see what it has become of. If u plant a seed, water it with tears and watch it grow slowly, struggling to seek for sunlight and suffering for survival, then it will be empathetic to end its misery.

These few days are packed filled with rehearsals and performances. My schedule is jumbled and disoriented. I have no time for my Pipa. I believe i'll start my rehearsal for my concertos very soon. However, i havent got the time to run through my own concerto yet. And worse, this March, we'll be flying over to China. As u may know by now, i'll be performing for some concert which involves the XiAn Conservatory of Music. Im still confused about the details. Im not sure who will accompany my solo, but it does not really matter who. I just wish to know whether ive to complete learning the piece before flying to China. Of course i have to, undoubtedly. But, within such a short period, i wont be ready any time soon.

I must be strong. My will has grown a sprout amongst my shame. I will prove myself strong willed and healthy minded about things. I'll let whateva that bothered me pass, and look ahead for what awaits in the future. I shall not let the anger linger inside me. Instead, i shall let it slip by with a smile. When something is over, lets not walk around it and dream even of a solution. Just let it lie there, do not disturb whats history. Im currently doing quite well. I have carefully planned and tested myself for the power of my will. It has proven itself formidable at the moment. What will come to pass shall come to pass. Im not a seer, but i see shrouds of doubts ahead of me. A haze of confusion will befall and i will be lost in its maze. Yet, there will be one that will clear the cloud which envelopes me from deep within. And there will be a few obstacles which will challenge my will, to wear me down emotionally. I will never come to a halt, i will make my progress despite the mist or haze. In the darkness, i shall have my will as a guide, a dimly lit lamp, and i shall walk out of its shadows. Feeling strong and determined, no words shall discourage me. Let my friends be there with me, as i venture deep into somewhere to seek for new hope. Let someone interfere into my life as i dream of detouring from my current course. Let it flow along in a vessel, where i lay my trust and faith.

Take the wheel, it is yours.