The Wall And I

Throughout my entire life, only on screens have i seen how love can bring two people together. But then again, its on screen when i see how it can tear them apart into shreds. In this life, i was made believed that relationships never work. The perfect example brought me undesirable memories and shaped my childhood. It worked in me, sluggish at first, but as age settles upon me, the shroud before my eyes abated. I see things clearly as how they will become, not how they first appear. Of course, the guide books. And you're reading them? It shows much in the understanding of how a relationship works in this century. I cannot disagree that those few pages of psychological brainwash would bring u eventually, after a few years, into a perfect relationship that u dream about. Well, whether it'll be accomplished in ur dreams or in ur lifetime, they're all filled with social fabric. Manmade and fake, whateva u might wanna call them. I call them artificial.

I am not certified as a human relations practitioner. However, im qualified as a huma, though people around me seldom treat me as one. I am somebody with little wits and memory. Much of the latter has been embedded unwillingly, while the other gone with my frivolous conduct. I have bad memory, and im quite sure i did not lose my temper somewhere else where i shouldnt. And i must admit, im not taking my medication seriously. For if so, i would not have committed much frightening deeds. Sometimes, i scare myself. Im scared.

I have some explosive issues. If i could control my anger, i would not have caned my maid when i was young, pushed some idiot bastard down the stairs, sprayed paint at the same bastard, tore my Chinese textbook when i did not wanna study, skipped school during my exams, smacked an Indian boy in the face with my science textbook, broke someone's nose, poured coffee over somebody's head, thrown somebody's bag around in the classroom while shouting, screamed at my Mom, refused to visit my Dad for a year till he was diagnosed with cancer, chided my friends for hiding my bag, sent horrible messages to people im fed up with, cursed some musician for the rest of her life till she dies a horrible death, thrown my cousin's mattress out of the house and locked him outside, bit my cousin till he bled when we were fighting during our primary school days and lastly, i would not have blogged such nonsense over the net for others to speculate.

Sounds too much for u to imagine probably. I have such anger issues, which would surface once in a blue moon when im pushed too hard against the wall. Well, thats me. This is WeiKang.

I am very sad.

I have never believed in relationships ever since a year ago. But, ive turned to friendship for companionship and fellowship for company and comfort. Many a times, sitting around in a circle and chanting gibberish and gossips will lighten up my day. When i feel lonely, i have a few friends to rely to. Of course, friendship comes both ways.

However, at times, i feel that ive been treated like shit and waste. As long as it brings a smile, i'll be willing to do anything to cheer my friends. Sometimes, its abit too much. Much of the time, i'll sit around waiting and stand around idling for nothing. What im going to say tonight does not apply to all my friends. I must thank them for being there most of the time when i needed them.

Best friends are really hard to define nowadays. What comes between good friends is love. Mutual respect and brotherly love most probably. I am dishonoured and striped off this priviledge. It shatters my heart to realise how naive ive been. Have u ever wished for equal treatment? Everybody does. Only fools who are crazy in love would do anything to just see that girl, or just smell her hair and stuff. Thats crazy bullshit. Im in a normal friendship, i just hope that my questions are answered and my answers appreciated.

Sometimes, im afraid to keep calling, because i dun wish to be deemed irritating or hounding like a horny dog. I just need some reply. Fine, i wait for a response which will usually come after an hour or sometimes, not at all. I have a wall as a friend. I talk to a wall everyday, thats what im told, joke aside, i think its quite true.

It brings tears to my eyes to realise things so late. Im very stupid. Probably im thinking too much. Well, i believe so. It has been proven once and again and again. If things like that happens so many times, the problem lies only in me and not in other people. But i dun understand why isit my fault that i care? My concern as pesky questions, my care as unnecessary attention. Now, i just wanna give myself a pathetic attempt of laughing.

Im not surprised that the situation has turned its back on me. Now, im like the crazy woman scolding the world and walking around with my head shivering and whole body limping about. Im the crazy one now. Great. Fantastic.

Once, twice, and im still getting bitten. Never shy, thats my biggest flaw. This kinda fights happened many times, and its resolved in the most friendliest manner imaginable. Laughs, jokes and big talks. Well, im grateful for the good times, but if one cannot provide the cat with food everyday, they should just leave the cat be. Dun come treat me like a rag doll. When ur happy, u come play with my and have tea parties. When ur not, u tear my hair and throw me aside. Im sick of playing and adapting to different moods. Sometimes, i get a treat, at others, i get mostly a bruise. If ur happy with it, im fine.

But, what makes me happy? Sharing. I love to sit down and share things. Talks, food, ideas or even playing. U cannot believe it how simple things can make me happy. When i was young, im always alone, and brought up to watch my Mom cry and my Dad scorn. Im not going to state how pathetic my life is, because it is not. There are others out there with 'real' problems. Im just rebuking because im not feeling fine. Im as simple as that.

Anyway, i sat at Bugis today and just waited blindly for twenty minutes. For what? I really dunno! I really dunno! Shit, what was i doing? Im sad im not in the priority list of my friends. So, ive to play thick skin to ask where they're going and if i can go. Im shameless! Forget it. Now to think of it, im really fucking stupid. Im not that pathetic. I have to hear of such things in an open conversation which does not even involve me. Im pathetic. Thanks alot.

Im embarrassed to the core now.

I quit. Im not going to be there to just entertain and help all the time. I ask if they're alright all the time, asking them hows their day. I wanna learn how my friends are, how they think. Some people will shut me up by just ignoring me. Fine, thats what friends are for. And they dun come asking me about my day. I have to vomit my accounts everyday to an empty white wall.

Now i feel so guilty. Im being so bad to somebody who treats me so well. I dun think i should say anymore. Im just utterly disappointed in myself.

Anyway, dun start treating my differently. Im accustomed already to such treatments. Im used to it. I think it affected me and it changed me.

Me and my very best friend, the wall.