Indigestible Chunk

For somebody like u, it never happens that what ur friends are going through. U think its possible and easy to let go of things or just live on with the junks u leave behind. However, when u leave these bags of rubbish, others have to suffer to clear them for u. Irresponsible, yet ironic how preaching is ur hobby. How righteous and rightful in ur judgements indeed. Preoccupied with nothing but ur own schedule, stubbornly refusing to succumb urself to changes or sacrifices for others. Busy with ur own nonsense and sometimes nothing. I curse that one day u'll realise that u have nobody else other than urself. That day has yet to come. But when it does, i will not be there and i will not give a damn. I would prefer it if u were to leave me alone now. It is healthier if u were to leave me completely out of ur circle of friends as to compared to ur self centered approach to friendship. What am i? U come and leave as u wish, without a single speck of concern for my feelings? Im not ranting like im being used. Thats just too far do describe our mere relationship as schoolmates. Wait a minute, from best friend to good friend, and from there to schoolmate. I think we can reduce ourselves to just fellow citizens of Singapore? Or casual strangers? It seems that u treat me as one anyway. I have made my point of chiding and rebuking u to knock these senses into ur head. U have acknowledged them but showed little interest in acting upon them, strongly believing that its genetic and irrevocable. Changeless? I think ur just doomed with ur character, and trust me, even now u'll agree. I dun need u to agree to what im saying, i know what i am saying and im sure thats how i feel about u. There is no room for any of ur useless agreements. I need only one thing which u have failed to achieve ever since i started pointing out ur flaws. And that thing happen to be something called 'change'. As for me? U told me what i need to change, and have i not changed? It appears that u want me to leave u alone. Isnt that so? No need for ur excuses about its u and not me for our predicament. Why? Because im sure that we are heading aimlessly for a solution. U do not care even if i were to change, because u cannot care less about a stranger! Or should i say, a fellow citizen of Singapore. Despite, u would prefer that i leave u alone. Why would i think so? Because if i were to leave u alone, u would slowly forget about my existence. I have ceased to exist. However, im here as a harsh reminder that im still here and i'll never let u fling me off. If one day i have to, i'll be the one to make the decision to let go. After all, u would not bother in any way to show that u care. Therefore, the decision lies with me and it is my suffering and curse to lose a friend like u. Then again, it is not my loss. Im sure ur tired and does it even occur to u that im the one feeling fatigue about this? Not just this, i mean these. Who are the ones who set what is normal and what is not? U, urself and urself. Ur the fault itself for being so passively faking through with these kind and comforting remarks. U say so much about how u feel and what u mean and what u really want me to believe. But u preach like a typical priest! U do not practice them or make me believe in them. Faith? U want me to follow and believe u blindly as u say till one day i realise the truth about ur promises? That day, i'll break down and die. Time does not allow that day to pass, and i would rather die than to hear myself out. Did i ask too much? Honestly, ask urself what im asking for. And ive recited that a million times to the Buddha and Madonna statues. They are unresponsive to my request, because they are dead and they care not for me and my concerns. But u, as somebody that u promise and sworn to be, act like one of them, only less thoughtful and supportive. I can even find comfort in the eyes of Mary, but never from u. Am i asking too much? I face rejection everyday, and im already used to its wear and tear. But from u, it seems that its an endless list of excuses. And worse, excuses reused over and over again. What do i ask of u? Have u really considered that? In detail, ask urself what have i ever asked for? My requests and simple and unselfish. But how many rejections does it take for us to reach where we are now? Ive been keeping silent for some time now and it appears to me that it does not matter only till recently. I cannot take ur indifference and insensitive statements. If i can buy faith, i wouldnt need u. So u keep me as a friend because of my uses? Of course! Of course! Typical of life and its advantages for people who manipulates with others emotionally and spiritually! Of course! How late for this realisation! How late am i! How late! How can i forgive myself for such stupidity to shroud my vision, in seeing through my values and how it appeals to draw in friends. But what can i do for u my dear? I have nothing. And its a loss to lose contact with a friend like that? Loss on my side too, but then why do u care? When did u start to care about things like that? Well, if u were to care, then why are u acting like that even though we have fought through pain and tears? It appears that ur the hypocrite this time, not me. My words are heavy and carries painful implications at times u say. But what about u? Ur words are empty and meaningless and doubtful in my ears. I cannot believe u any longer for whateva u say. U are selfish through and through. Look at urself, u know the err but yet refuse to take action to correct urself. Sympathy! Empathy! I dunno which to apply for u. It seems that ur a hopeless case! What can i say? U have agreed with somebody else that im stubborn and ignorant. Well, do u see that u have agreed with somebody more stubborn than me for passing such judgements and refuses to listen to others? Do u realise? And u stand on the side of my enemy, showing me no support and purposely not willing to turn back to give a single glance. U have done things to purposely set me ablaze and i have done so in return to enrage u. But where does this lead? Why do we do such things? Maybe its because of the little significance u show to my welfare? Have i ever acted in any way to make u feel less capable of how u feel? Have i never showed u encouragement? Have i never spoke up for u? Have i never thought of u when i have something to share? Have i ever hidden anything that u should know from u? All these, u have failed on ur part and have i ever complained till recently? I can swear that i have never done anything so explicitly wrong! I have wronged u. Sometimes i may carry my sense of humour too far into making jokes out of u, but if that does any of the above, im truly sorry. But then again, my apologies mean nothing to u in any case. And at this moment, if u even ever thought about apologising, save it! I know its the hardest word u can ever say. Well, u've changed into an animal that i have never known. I feel that i dunno u anymore. U wanna preoccupy urself with ur own selfish plans and leave me out of anything that ur doing, im fine with that, because we're just schoolmates. And u have reminded me countless of times that the line is drawn clear. Ive made it a point to embed that into my memory and to tell myself to stay away from u. But if thats clearly what u wanna achieve, keep it going, ur doing fine! And by the end of the day, u can even just forget my name and how i look. Because, i dun think that memory will serve u in any way for the rest of ur life. Im out of ur life, and ur out of mine. We go our own sweet ways, as u wish. Im not going to spend my life to wait for ur reply or response. Continue to dig in ur glory, ur as fine as hell a good person! Im sure everybody loves u for who u are! Go get urself a new toy. I should be refundable. I think. But with this scars and bruise marks, will they want me back? Even how, im sure they will. As for u, enjoy ur days when im gone. I dun wanna exaggerate things, like ive said, we're just schoolmates and i dun wish to blow this relationship of being strangers. I cannot imagine what else will categorise us other than strangers. Can u? U need some room? Some personal space? Sure, just turn around and look, u have the rest of the world to urself. There u go, the whole space on earth except for where im standing. Its all urs now! Enjoy wallowing in ur personal space!