Paranoia

What started as an attempt of gentle confrontation on my part has become a full-blown argument. However, nothing matters now. I just need some friends to keep my company, to occupy my time and bring me far away from my thoughts. Distraction, thats what i need most when everybody doesnt. And that is my prescription.

Life has been unkind. Time has been dedicated mostly to wild thoughts and critical thinking. Amongst the latter, mostly has bewildered me quite often enough to cause serious hassling. I hate it deep into the core. I hate the frustration, dilemma, annoyance and nuisance. They are not plainly a pain in the neck, but a huge block of wood in the ass too. Therefore, the only cure which i have discovered would be what i mentioned earlier, distraction.

I think the only solution to my previous problem would be to leave Qinglun alone. There is no use talking to him. Im trying my best here, but with futile efforts it seems. When he is done feeling whateva he is feeling, he'll come talk to me. But, i wont be surprised that this day will never come. Or then, i wont be surprised even that it'll take a few months. By then, i'll be gone. I wont be surprised that i'll feel anything. Pot calling the kettle black, look who is the paranoid one! Well, if u're reading this, i suggest u flip back to the previous post too.

Do people apologise by shouting? Not necessary the volume, but in such a tone?

I wanna share abit about life recently. I'll be flying over to China within a few days time. Im as elated as im nervous. Firstly, i have no idea what to expect there. It'll be the first time im flying over to China to have a look at their conservatory of music. However, i do know the kind of reputation Xian Conservatory of Music has. Many do opinlate their impression of the conservatory. Experimental or not, we can look to it with open ears and probably be more welcoming of such creations. Personally, i do not know them enough to pass any comments. Judgemental as i may be, but reasonable. In fact, everybody is judgemental. To say one person biased is another's biased judgement. Foolish to think so righteous about oneself when one passes judgemental comments so freely.

Sorry that im getting somewhere out of point. Because im suddenly reminded of a few incidents. And i feel injustice to what happened. Nevermind, lets just let it drop for now.

Anyway, i have to play a piece with them for a concert. I can expect the least from the performance, and probably more showers of negative comments plus a few burning hot juicy gossips. Whateva it may be, im more concerned now with other issues. The concert will be held before my concerto concert with CSCO.

I bought a few books recently. Im hooked to TerryBrooks. However, the devices he used on his previous books are used again in quite an obvious manner in the one im currently reading. While im merely a sixth done with the book, i already bought another trilogy to occupy myself. In fact, the one im reading now aint a trilogy, it has four books. I love thick books! And i love trilogies, only when they're all in one single volume! Its cheaper anyway.

Many people wish to borrow my books, but honestly, i have no idea how to reject them. Why? Because i treat my books as a personal item. If i were to lend it, i cannot trust anybody else to treat them the way i do. Will they take care of it like i do? Will it end up tattered and torn? No. I dun think that they'll leave it under the wind and the sun. But, if it happens to be damaged, will they buy me a new book? If they do, then the personal touch to it will be lost as well. That'll be sad. And it will not be easy on my part to ask for a new book from a friend. How easy isit for u to ask them to pay for damages? Everybody will just overlook it, though they do realise what a grief mistake.

I wish not for these. Therefore, i hope not to even try from the start. Meaning, i dun wish to lend any books. U know what? I treat my CDs as personal items too. Books and CDs are the only resources which people are eyeing for. I know its never a good feeling to lend people something. For me, it depends on what it is. Money is fine, because i only lend my trusted friends. Well, sadly one has proven ill for three years.

Choir practices are mentally and physically stressing. Its draining me of my voice and my strength. Worse of all, when it leaves me mentally dead, i still do have the energy to wander my mind somewhere else. In the end, im left with nothing but fatigue, exhaustion and frustration. Last night, i went for supper with quite a few. Had fun talking, which released me of my weariness. U know how it feels when ur on the verge of exploding with unsolved miseries? Not mysteries, mind u.

I'll be flying off on Saturday, early in the morning. I have to reach the airport at 8 in the morning. I hope some of u can make it to send me off. Those who are going, lets have breakfast at the airport alright? I know its abit early! Love u all.

A few days ago, i woke up to find an Indian man sitting in my living room. Today, he opened my bedroom door. He painted my door frame, and now its permeated with the smell of it. Its still lingering in my room. Its horrible!

By the way, i lost weight during the holidays last year. This time, within just a few days of extreme eating, im almost back! Im back! Back to my previous spot. Back to square one. I really hope not for this, but eating is a way of venting anger too. And im really gaining weight again, help! Honestly, it doesnt matter. But its just annoying.