Devil's Whisper

Do read my previous few entries.

Qinglun says that im paranoid, always worrying about nothing. He feels awkward, troubled and irritated by me. He says that he cannot understand the sensitive thinking of mine. He says im contradicting. He says that im overly-sensitive. And of course, im too emotional.

I must agree with everything. But he does not understand why i act this way suddenly. In fact, i feel guilty to vent my anger on him at times, because he is always the generous and giving type. Im different, i must admit. I am stubborn, strong-minded, sensitive and petty. I sincerely apologised, but he thoughtlessly brushed and rejected it. He said that i dun have to be sorry. Thats the last i wanna hear. All these could end one way or another. If we were to sit down to talk and make decisions to our actions, maybe this will be solved in a much quicker way. Sadly, i've approached every problem this way, and it turns out that im fooled. He make promises which he's too quick to accept. He'll say happy words to cheer me, but then its not what will last. Sooner or later as i have predicted, another cold war will befall. Not surprisingly, it came again. Much colder than the previous everytime.

I have thought it through. I'll forgive everything if he'll just apologise for dismissing me. He doesnt understand, i just need an answer to every question. And i hate to put a comma between problems. I'll rather settle it once for all, then to pretend that it is solved.

Back in Sydney, i was left alone by two very good friends too. Well, as for that, i was disappointed how friendship can be cast into stone with a few simple incantations. In fact, i did not feel angry in any way. I put the matter to rest, and waited for their decision. I have no say in such matters. In fact, i could not do much myself. During that period, i was feeling as helpless as a puppy. Now, with problems surfacing from every direction, Qinglun being the main cell which offshoots my other problems. U know, sometimes when u have an issue that bothers u, u'll tend to get urself so emotionally involved that more problems would arise while u brainstorm for solutions.

It does happen to me when im feeling down. When im left alone, my mind wanders far into the wilderness. I'll get misunderstood by myself, hear the devil's whispers and cast my worries back into my mind. My mind is like the sea. So unpredictable at times, ranging from a calm windless day to a nimbus storm. I feel so tired about it, and i hunger for company.

When im with my friends, i'll talk and eat and shop. These methods do help me to occupy my mind. I'll tend to be distracted away from my circle of problems. I love it when im free from the shackles of endless issues. That day, i was feeling very down. Jessica gave me a call, and we went out for dinner.

She is the best person u would wanna talk to. She has an endless range of things to talk about. I will never feel bored around her. And theres bunch of interesting stories to hear and to share. Well, we stayed out for 5 hours. We went shopping, had dinner and headed to McDonalds for a drink. We chatted for a long time, and i bought her to my favourite soup. I hope she loves it as much as i do. She passed me my pay, which i gave to ChaiXia for helping me out when im not free. Well, everybody is happy and thats what matters most.

Im gaining weight again. Im eating! Help!

I'll be flying off to China next Saturday. I have no idea what to expect, and with Qinglun there, im not sure what might arise. I went out with Dedric today, and we talked about many things. We discussed about the trip, and i shared a glimpse of my problem with Qinglun. He has nothing good to say, as usual. But he knows our character, and by that, he'll favour me less. Well, i cannot deny like i mentioned. Im the problem, not anything else. I am the very problem which im trying to solve.

I need professional help. My mind is in a mess, and its turned inside out, trashed around like smashed watermelon. I feel really helpless, because nobody will understand what im feeling now with so many things happening all at once. Honestly, theres nobody i wanna share my thoughts with currently. Everybody is so busy, and i wish not to disturb anybody now.

Goodnight. I'll blog again before i fly off...