The Only Rule Is That There Are No Rules

Im going into the state of craziness again ... i dunno ... many many different emotions pouring over me now . Somehow im reminded of my lonley past . Examples like YiChun reminding me that i have no friends ... its really saddening ... my eyes cannot hold the force of my tears , and it showered down just like that , flowing down my cheeks . Things i dun wanna hear just echoed in my ear , like sound of very strong bass . To think of it , i really do not have any real friends , no true friends . Some may claim they are , i do hope so , but it just seem to me that ive always been there for a friend , but none has ever been beside me to walk those difficult steps , to cross the bridge which i feared crossing . Im not psychic , but i really can expect answers from anybody . I want somebody who is unpredictable , not as in really moody and unpredictable , but someone who can throw me surprises , someone to really cheer me up when i dun expect one at my lowest times . My spirit is really low now , on the doldrums ... really feeling heavy .

Sometimes when ur friends are those u really wanna go out with , they're often with thier friends , to think of it , why cant i be one of them . Its not that im not , but people just see me as a very normal friend , not a hangout type . Im always the second class , to no matter what may apply . My time spent is really little , little with friends , but plenty alone . I spend my time alone , doing self reflection , my self progression , my inner most thoughts . Thats when i pour out my inner most emotions , its the time when i get confronted with myself . My inner most treasured moments . There is nothing else more then what i may expect from the term 'friendship' . Im really disappointed , though i had already expected this to happen , like i said , im not a psychich but i saw this coming dunno ever since . I know what happens in the end , but i dun wanna experience the process , its painful to bear it through . Look at my pictures , im usually alone ... only recently to find some very old pictures of myself when i was younger . Now i can fly , i fly , but i fly alone . Look at others , they are always with someone , their friends , and their gang . A clique ... whoeva doesnt have one ? I do have one ? I know ? I dunno ... people might say that i dun treasure and cherish things around me , they tell me that things are around me , meant for me , but i dun grab is fast . I dun cherish the moment , i dun think about others . They are always there , but im alway thinking that im alone ... I must comment on that , it might be true at times , but if it isnt , then what will make me think of all those unhappy moments , it must be the thoughts or feelings that bring to the state of mind .

I need some songs in minor key ... I must admit that i bought 3 CDs yesterday . Its YangJing's DVD , featuring her compositions , its really too good for me even to see it . I bought another LinHai's CD . I like his songs , i think its so filled with inspiration and emotions . It really moves me . Some are just my type of classics ... some are forever so fresh sounding , unlike songs that will just die out , like pop usually . And another CD is a newage instrumental music ... inside got MaTouQin , the Mongolian bowed string instrument ... its really cool .

Some people think practical . They think about money , how it works , what will happen without it . They are straight forward , they dun like to waste time sitting or rotting around , because time is money , they can be more productive with the free time they have . These people , they tend to prefer to solve problems in groups , they like to say things out to inform others of how they feel about certain matters , most of the time . Some people think about emotions . They are romantic , they dun really care about money , they treat it as a second factor to affect other factors . These people will like to appreciate and hang around somewhere to feel what the surrounding is giving . They like to think alone , they dun really wanna say what they think most of the time . Some people think about rights . They are very righteous , they like to do things which they think its right . They have their own sets of beliefs , they follow rules and regulations of law , or religion . They are usually , morally more conservative . They solve problems by using methods or ways that are proven to be right . They tend to preach alot , but practicing what they preach is another matter . Some people just think about reality . They know what is right and wrong , they are a mixture of all of the above . But whateva they do , they do think about how reality really works . Like lets say donation , its good to donate as u'll get ur share back in the future , ur helping the poor , the needy and those who are really disabled of earning to live . But in reality , every morale is proven stupid . In reality there are only a few things to concern , money , sleep , eat and work and more i guess ... but the fact is that the rest are just ur own business , u interfere with ur own accord . Relationship problems of other people ... and stuff will just weigh u down , i dun wanna be concerned , but i usually do in the end . Im the reality thinking type of person , i dun really care anymore about anything , reality is there , it is proven . Reality is the saddest thing ive ever heard , seen and touched .

I dun wanna fall back into the same topic almost everyday . Is this interesting enough , ChaiXia ? I'll just mention this occassionally ...

Ive completed my another song . Yesterday's was the beach and today's the field . Its all part of the partita ... i must say that ive done better , its an improvement , but it doesnt follow any rule , im not some composition student or diploma holders . However , composing is my hobby , and i follow only one rule , that is that " there is no rule " .