The Lost Chapter Of Life

Sometimes, i do look around. I look around to find everybody indulged in their own problems. Theres actually nobody for me to really turn to. I know, u might think that ive so many friends... but why cant i just speak out to all of them. Well, theres too much to understand... and seriously, its a brain killing topic. Even now, im so bored and tired of mentioning about it.

U know, sometimes... i can only just dream. Im not someone who can live with reality. The harsh and rising tides of criticism just splashes on my shore, wearing me off. Most of the time, they just splash directly on my face. Well, reality. Who can i blame, only for myself to take the pain inside me, which poisons my mind.

Well, i had my exams last Friday. I cant find any word to describe it... only that its not even as bad as my best performance. My nails came loose, and i wonder... why must there be always something, some problems or some bad condition, to destroy my peace on stage. Well, i was sweating like a pig, and i was too busy playing that ive no time at all to wipe it off. I thought, maybe thats how stages are like... so, ive to deal with it. In reality, nobody cares what happens on stage, they'll only wanna hear music from u. As for me, ive so many of these problems... even technical issues of my own music making. I think im really a failure. A failure... in many things. Many.

Mom came home before Friday, and on she fetched me to YanYu's house. There, i had my last lesson before my exam. My hands were still kinda sleeping, so i warmed up and played through the pieces for her. It turned out well, merely some usual mistakes and some movement problems. I packed up and left for the road to exile... hoping that it'll turn bright at the other end.

On the way for lunch, Mom and i quarrelled badly... thanks to uncle's insensitive question which agitated me. I was yelling in the car, and i couldnt think straight. I spurted some very insensitive statement which made Mom cry. She started shouting and crying, while driving towards home. Uncle's intention didnt meant for things to happen this way, thus he sat quietly and started feeling rather guilty. Well, i made it such a big issue because i wanna let them all know that im serious towards such gibberish talks. I dun want any of these to happen again. I thought that after winning the competition, mindsets would change. But apparently, they grew out of the box for the moment and was shut back into their little pea box. I dunno why, but its impossible to make them realise some things. Moreover, i started comparing with others, which made Mom very unhappy. My main punch wasnt with the comparisons, but its the fact that they dunno how others are like, and how the outside world of my circle is like. Come on, sometimes i hear statements that are utmost insulting towards my interest, my passion for music and for the Pipa. I feel so angry but theres nothing i can do, but to keep my cool and turn myself bluntly sarcastic. Mom scolded me for not being able to take a joke. I replied with a freezing hurting statement. Its not a joke anymore, its vilifying and hurting me. Its not a joke at all, it has been said for too long. Ive closed an eye for long enough, its time i leer towards their direction and to mock at them. Come on, im doing something with my bare hands. Im stepping on the ground more than others are. I know, i dream. Im a dreamer, and ive never wanted to live a life enslaved to the feet of any authority or government body. I dun want to make dirty money like conmen and illegal dealers. I dun feel any pride in what i do. Imagine, ive been pressed till ive totally lost my faith in things that i love. Sometimes, when certain questions are thrown at me, i blush and really dunno how to avoid feeling lost about my answers. I really dunno if im doing the right thing. I think, im just foolish. Mom's tears made me realise that ive carried it too far. But i wanna bring my point across hard and strong like stones on fire, which hits hard on falling towers. This time, my line is drawn clear.

Mom couldnt take it, she drove home and alighted... and asked my uncle to eat alone. I asked him to fetch me to school, and i insisted that i go school and not have lunch. My appetite was lost, and to think that im going to have my exams in such an emotionally unstable state... im really devasted. I almost lost it and wanted to just take a bus somewhere and skip my exams. To think of it, since Mom has supported me so far financially, unlike my dead father, ive to just do it for once. After that, if this fissure will never seal, im going to just destroy myself by doing what others want me to. I'll blot out my dream of a musician and become a nurse. I know, u might find it funny. However, this joke of becoming a nurse is a serious thing for me. Im going to be a nurse. So, i'll tell myself everynight before i sleep, with a dropping tear and some heart breaking prayers, i'll tell myself, i'll tell myself that i wanna be a nurse, a good nurse, to do everybody proud. Be happy for me.

So, after the fight, on the following day, Mom and i pretended that nothing happened. We talked like normal, only to find ourselves awkwardly talking to each other and caring for each other more. Well, my heart aches so, with a tormented soul, so vilified by jokes which sounded like a screech to my ears. Now, with love sheltering over, i feel like a baby, safe in the arms of Mom. Theres nothing i would do to hurt u, Mom. I wont say anything like that ever again to break ur heart. Well, everytime i dream of my Mom's funeral, i'll wake up crying. Trust me, i have many dreams of her dying or sacrificing for me in some way or another. I'll wake in a violent jerk and just flush my cheeks with tears. To think of it, its quite sudden that my Dad just passed on like that. I remembered cursing him when i was young, and Mom told me that by the age of 18, i'll be able to decide whether to see him anymore or not. Well, it seems that i dun have a choice, at the age of 18 he died to dark phantom who took many lives away, cancer. If Mom goes, i'll have nobody left in this world. My aunties and uncles from my maternal family are all useless. They rely on my Mom to take care of their mother, my grandma. They owe my Mom so much money, and some even seek shelter in her own home. They've dumped their kids under the care of my Mom, an unemployed single woman. She told me that she fears that once their kids grow up, they'll forget about her. She fed them, and hopes that they'll remember her and take care of her next time. She's always worried that i'll side my father while she's always the one sheltering me and watering me till i grow. Its hurting to see her cry... and i dun think i can take another blow like this. In another words, im sorry for stubbornly highlighting my statements.

Im 90% sure that such things wont happen again. Well, 2 years ago, such an event took place. It was the journey home from Sentosa. I skipped my prelims, i bet many of u might find this familiar, but... do u know why? Or, what really happened? Many things happened, and i had fun at Sentosa, only to find Mom and i crying while she fetched me home from Sentosa. She came looking for me, because i was really unstable. I grew up in a emotionally depressing home. When i was young, my father never cared for me. Mom would come home with me running to her arms, and she would then question Dad about my crying. I remembered one night, i was awakened by Mom, and she dragged me out of the house with a luggage. I was carrying my blue coloured smelly teddy bear, while with my thumb in my mouth. I was really confused, i didnt know what was happening... and well, i asked Mom... where are we going? Will we come back again? As far i remember, i never stepped into that house anymore.

Mom filed a divorce with Dad, and i was kept with Mom at grandma's place at AngMoKio. We left Hougang for good, and never to return that dreadful place ever again. I was kept away from all this legal issues. Mom won custody over me for a huge sum of money, and giving away the house and many of her assets. Dad wanted materials over me. After learning about this only a few years ago, i was disappointed and i was really down for a long period. I found my father a disgusting person, but i told myself that he might have changed... for that i can see that he loves me so. I was wrong, though his love might be unfailing, his love for Jane dominates over this thoughts and his decisions for he he entrusted everything to Jane, who took all his money and threw his adopted daughter, Amanda, out of the house. She wanted to send her to China illegally, but was unsuccessful to her surprise that Amanda went against her and filed a case with some organisation who takes care of her now in a juvenile home. As for me, im left with nothing but just useless photos of Dad which means alot to me. These memories are priceless, but... whats the worth? How isit worthy of my love? Dad is a huge disappointment. Honestly, ive no feelings for him anymore. I love him, but ive enough reasons to hate him.

I know, ive repeated this story for long enough. However, theres another part which nobody has heard before. Why do i hate fruits? Why do i hate balls? Why do i not like people who stands on my left side? Why do i only draw people facing the left? Why do i not drink coffee nor tea? Theres many stories... i think i can publish many different issues.

Well, enough of the happy stories of life. Today, i went to Jasmine's place for a visit. ChaiXia and i met before we took the lift up. I sat at the living room, while ChaiXia started practicing her XiaoRuan. Then, something horrible happened, which was kinda sweet actually. I was so tired of listening to music already... after my exams, i think i need a long break from the instruments. So, she was practicing then she accidentally used too much strength, which resulted in the breaking of one fret at the higher register. The fret dropped out, and i was laughing... I have a glue to fix it, but i dunno how to pass to her. We watched Turandot, and they enjoyed it.

After that, we played MahJong with Jasmine's Mom. She kept saying that im fat. I feel so... happy. Honesty is the best policy right? Anyway, it was fun... i won so many times! So many times! Its my blog, i say anything i want! I can even lie... But, honestly, i won so many times. ChaiXia and Jasmine must be so jealous...

Well, im tired and thats enough for the day. Tomorrow, i'll have the whole day dedicated to Andy's recital and the BBQ at JunRu's place. So, peace.