Christmas Wish

Its been quite a while since i last blogged . And the Christmas Season is coming , and i guess this Christmas , i will witness snow for the first time of my life . Emotions snowing in my heart ... Its time to tame the emotional creature inside ...

These 2 days has been a very emotional period . My tears couldnt fall anymore , and my heart is now numb , blocking my emotions from reaching my brain , thus causing my eyes to go dry , like in those wax museums . Im worthless ... and for some , this might be good news , to others , they might sympathise me . Well , go ahead and laugh and curse me if u want after reading this blog . Im fine ... because i dun think i care about what others say . Whats most important , really comes from my heart , and only my heart . Thanks for those who cared ...

Monday morning , i woke up early , and i travelled to SGH , Singapore General Hospital . I met up with Dad , and we waited outside the consultation room . DrTang is a very funny doctor , he'll joke around with serious stuff and he make things sound like chicken's feet . He'll do whateva he could to lighten the atmosphere . Well , its there when i really understood the condition of my Dad's illness . The cancer cells had infected rather deeply in the lymph nodes ... and that proves that the cancer is already at step 3 . Once Jane heard that , she couldnt hold herself . She was sobbing , but still trying to soothe herself . Amanda waited outside , and Dorothy , my auntie , came with us . The first time in my entire life , i saw the expression on Dad's face . Like a child ... innocent and yes , he was very afraid . He is as stubborn as a mule , he doesnt like to express himself much . Especially , when it matters how he feels personally . He kept quiet , listening to the doctor , not saying a single word . Everything was done by Jane , while i sat there like a log , listening to all i heard . DrTang was very nice , he suggested that the surgery should be done almost immediately . So Dad was warded , and the surgery would be decided by the doctor afterwards .

Before heading to the ward , Dad had to go through certain check-ups , to test whether his body is good condition for surgery . Well , there was the blood test , i saw the fear on his face . This is his first time in the hospital . We'd visited many patients here before , but never was it his turn on the bed . I couldnt stand it , i saw him went through the blood tests , as it reminded me clearly of my own's in school . It was kinda long ago , but it still kinda inflict a sharp pain when i think of it ...

When we arrived at the ward ... It kinda reminded me like a hotel , with very good service of course . The nurses were polite , and the bed was comfortable . I tried hard to bring a smile on Dad's face , and though most of the time , it kinda did ... but i know he is still thinking about the surgery . At least the pain wasnt there at that moment ... Guess my presence somehow made him happier , though he doesnt say it , i can feel it . We tried to connect , all we talked about was school . After a year , we somehow already lost some connection and it felt rather awkward . I dun even know what he likes now ... he doesnt play with his Tetris game anymore anyway , i didnt even know that . Anyway , my eyes were red since morning . I cant stop myself from getting emotional . I cried in the bathroom now and then , while trying to dry my tears and washing my face to look normal . I dun wanna show Dad that im sad or whateva , i just hope that he can be brave and positive . So ... i wont cry infront of him , even if i had to , i'll still smile hard .

The nurse came , and when she came , she brought a sense of mystery along . Its time to clear Dad's bowel ... and we wondered why . Well , i thought maybe its kinda obvious ... because ... its to prepare him for surgery ? That came sudden , and rather shocking . Dad didnt had enough time to prepare for that yet ... Doctor said its either today , as on that day , or tomorrow . And we'd only just settled down ... Jane was busy reading articles and guides on colon cancer . To think of it , she was really very sad and eager to find Dad a cure . But no matter how , i think we've to face the fact , Dad has cancer , and we should just go on and be happy because he'd found a cure ... which is surgery , as a treatment .

Everybody was motivating Dad . People came , and Jane's sister , Jock came to pray for him . Well , she was telling him about Jesus and how a healer he was , and he still is . Dad was touched , and his eyes were watery . I stood there listening ... and i felt the spirit in the air . It brought tears into everybody's eyes . Like a thousand letters in a treasure chest ... God will answer them , while Jesus will carry it ... but only Dad has the key to open up this box . No matter how much , the operation can only help 3/4 , the other quater must be done by Dad alone , and thats where will power comes in .

The nurses came again , and they pushed a bed here . I dunno whats it called ... its the bed where the patient would be lying , while they are pushed to the operating theatre . Dad got very afraid , but he didnt show it . He laid there while i held his hand , and Jane on the other side . We followed the nurses . Trust me , its not like the drama we see on TV . The journey was long , and it felt like no end in time . He opened his eyes , looking up , and looking around . Jane talked to him , whispered to him ... well , we said that no matter how , we'll be waiting for him , we'll wait outside the theatre until he comes out . We told him not to worry , and we promised that we shall wait outside the theatre and we wont leave him alone , we will be there with him all the way . He smiled ... while we watched helplessly , as he got pushed into the operating theatre . Then , after a while , we couldnt see anymore , the door started to close , very slowly . Everyone was worried ... but i was happy , because i know he's under treatment now , so i thought we should be happy for Dad because he was then fighting against cancer . Jane stood outside the theatre , crying while Dorothy accompanied her .

Time flew very slowly , almost like a dead snail , but thankfully , it didnt . I stood outside the theatre for 4 hours . Finally , when he was out ... we all rushed to the same bed that he was lying on before . He was half awake , maybe because of the anesthetic . The look on his face was rather bad , like he was in great pain . We talked to the doctor before , and it was kinda hard for us to swallow what he said . Well , DrTang said that they indeed found cancer cells rooted rather deeply at other areas , but not far from the colon . He'd removed some infected lymph nodes already , but sure enough there were somemore that couldnt be removed . Afraid that the only way to remove them is only through chemotherapy . Jane cried again ... and DrTang was still smiling . I didnt cry , i felt rather numb . I dunno how i felt ... i couldnt cry and i felt nothing . Now we've succeeded in the first step , its time for the next step , and things will definitely get tougher .

Dad laid there unconsciencely , feeling rather drowzy . I stood beside him , and we talked to him . He was feeling very uncomfortable , but he could reply . We were all very happy , and we brought ourselves up to tell him that the surgery was very successful . Guess he was very happy ... but we cant bear to tell him that the cancer cells were not totally removed . He needed rest , so we just sat around and watched over him . Jane was very down , and she was feeling very very depressed . Amanda just looked rather clueless , but sure she knew what was happening . I stood there , drying my tears ...

At night , he could talk normally already . His eyes spoke of emptiness , and i knew that he somehow should have guessed what happened . He stared into the TV , and he was feeling very hungry and thirsty , both he wasnt allowed to consume anything by mouth yet . I got a piece of cotton and i helped to wet his lips , and got a towel to wipe his forehead . He was feeling warm , because the air-con wasnt working really well . And its common that a patient will have fever after surgery . But im thankful that his temperature didnt shoot up . He was just feeling very warm ... so i went to ask for a fan . I stayed up the whole night ... watching his sleep . And hearing him snore could only be the only relieve for me . I didnt get to sleep , i wiped off his sweat and i wet his cracking lips . Wheneva he wakes up , he'll tell me to go to sleep . But im perfectly alright ... and wheneva i do anything for him , he'll say 'thankyou' . And that brings me to tears ... because i think thats what i should do . So i told him never to say 'thankyou' or 'sorry' ... because we are family .

Jane is weak , and she needs rest . But she couldnt sleep , she was reading and making calls ... so i forced her to sleep . I told her to have a good rest , because if she is sick , then nobody will be able to take care of the both of them . Dad needs her around ... and i think she should think of it this way .

In the morning , everybody woke up early . Amanda and i went for breakfast . There was this Indian patient beside Dad's bed . He is very funny ... because he complains alot . The nurses were all very irritated by him . I'll not talk about what he did and what he said ... but there's this other patient , a very old Chinese man , opposite Dad's bed . He had the whole family down everyday . He was very weak , and i hope that he will get well soon . His family is very caring , and they were all very supportive . They were very nice ... they offered my food when i stayed up late in the night to take care of Dad . Very nice people i got to know in the hospital . Anyway , when Dad woke up , the doctor instructed that he may take 500ml of water for a day . So we fed him sips of water ... I think the water must have tasted sweet , because thats the first sip after surgery . DrTang came to visit Dad ... and he mentioned to Dad about chemotherapy . I dunno how Dad felt when he heard that , because he didnt tell him anything . While DrTang brought it to him in a nice way , i guess Dad might have already expected what he might say . I told Dad that his operation was good , and now we have to prevent the cancer from multiplying itself , just in case if any is still inside the body , chemotherapy would be the choice to destroy all the cancer cells . Jane went outside to cry , because she knows that chemotherapy is going to be very tough . Chemotherapy uses this chemical agent , which is injected or swallowed as a pill , that destroys all the cells in the body which multiplies fast . So , the cancer cells would die ... along with good cells which multiplies fast too . Blood cells and white blood cells would all get affected ... The root of the hair , will not be able to tolerate the strong agent , and thus , the patient will definitely go bald during this period of treatment . The immune system will go very weak ... and thus hard to fight against simple flus or colds . This is a crucial period , he has to eat all he can before the treatment . DrTang said that he has to grow as fat as possible by eating anything in the world ... even red meat . Dad has to be strong and fit for the chemotherapy ...

I went back after lunch . I wanted to blog then , but i fell asleep . When i woke up its already 6pm . I remembered that i told Dad that i will be there at 4pm ... so i bathed and took dinner . Mom was telling me all the nonsense that i didnt wanna hear . I think whats past should be just left behind , because now , the only concern is the illness . I just want his cancer to stop , and i just wish him to be healthy , other than that , i dun really want to know anymore . Mom and i argued , because she was being stubborn , and she said all the bad stuff about Dad and Jane . Im grown up already and im no longer a kid ... i believe what i see , and i sure do know that this is true . This time , this isnt a lie ... for the first time . Everybody isnt acting to trick me or brainwash me ... if its a lie and all a fake setup , then ive to clap and congratulate them for that the were able to trick me . Mom was angry and she was really mad ... Grandma stood by my side and we kept argueing untill she wanted to blow . I stomped my foot into the kitchen , and i started to cry there , while Mom was still barking in the living room . She knew that she might have oversaid certain things , but its the truth . Though how fucking true it is , its over ... and i dun wanna pursue it any further . I took my sweater and i slammed the door shut ... i walked out of the house , heading towards SGH .

Mom called me after a while , crying on the phone , telling me how she felt . Well , i knew that she felt somehow bad and jealous for that i cared so much for Dad . She always think that i care more for Dad ... no matter how much i tell her that i love her most . Well , its obvious , because i dun see Dad that often , thus its only normal that i'll care for him more . But my heart stays with Mom . I dunno how she thinks ... and i screamed at her before , while i was at home , i wanted to stop her from talking , so i said that i'll die like Dad one day , before i headed to the kitchen and broke down .

Dad was having some company , family and friends . His company , Singtel , sent him a boutique . I was there and he was happy to see me . I smiled ... trying to clear my mind from that little war i had at home before coming . Guess his friends and collegues really cheered him up . Pastors came to pray for him too ... Dorothy's church pastor and Jock's . Many people came ... suddenly it looked kinda crowded . But none stayed for long ... soon , i took over . He could sit now , he had physiotherapy earlier in the afternoon . They taught him how to move ... At night , his wound started to ooze a little bit of blood , the sight brought me pain . I quickly pressed the button for the nurse , and i went outside to look for an available nurse . Well , a Chinese nurse came with some cotton to help clean the wound , and the other , a Phillipino nurse came with cotton and some other cream . Guess the standard of the Phillipino nurse is far better ... so she helped Dad clean his wound . I saw the wound ... its like some ugly stitches , and i didnt like what i saw . The Phillipino nurse was really very nice ... i like her alot . Though she got super irritated at times because of the funny Indian man ... she is very considerate and she is very polite to others . Anyway , she talks super loud to that Indian man ... and maybe its because the Indian man talks like a huge speaker . At night , im afraid he might disturb Dad's sleep ...

I stayed till 3 am , then i called Mom to fetch me . I think im going home to rest and prepare myself tomorrow . I need time to practice , i cancelled lesson last Sunday to visit Dad . I told Mike that i found one guy who might be willing to sponsor ... he's Adrian . Jock's friend ... and he is weird . He asked about me , and we talked ... then we suddenly came across this topic on whether i perform for private functions . So i thought about CSCO ... and i gave him Mike's number , and i told him about the sponsorship , and he asked me what figure are we talking about . I guessed maybe thousands ?

Now , my eyes are still red . Im very tired ... feeling fatigue . I need rest , and i need to go out to calm myself ... and maybe cheer myself up by ... dunno ... whateva means . Thanks to all those that prayed , and thanks to those who cared ... Dad's fine . My only Christmas wish is for him to celebrate Christmas with me . Amen ...