I Am Enjoining It

WeiFeng is online, and he is now talking to me. His computer broke down a few months, or weeks ago... and now its finally repaired. I miss talking to him, because is such a good friend. He supports me of what i do, and encourages me for what i want, and he helps me in what i need. I think that is what a friend is all about, another person would be ChaiXia and Jasmine, but ChaiXia aint in good terms with WeiFeng, but i try to balance them both. I think both of them are really nice people, and they should get along better some day. I just wanna thank some people here today. There are people who've changed my life, for the better or not, thats just another issue. But of course, to thank would be those who've helped or brought me a certain advantage that would be good for me, and not people who has changed my life due to their bad influences. SiHan, Christoven and QingLun saved me out of my other realm. I am somebody who helplessly fall into my darker side often. Back then, i would just sit alone, eat alone, take the bus alone, watch the stars alone and to even walk by the beach alone. I talked to myself, literally. There were times when i cannot control my tears, they flow like a river. There were times when my heart would shatter and i'll be picking them up alone. However, i cannot point my finger on anybody for my predicament, because... i wished for myself to be alone. I was so used to being alone that i hate company. I have a different view towards stranger, i hate them before i know them. Well, believe it or not, ive hated people like SiHan, QingLun, Jwen and even ShuMin. There are reasons why, and one of which would be an act of defence for my own safety. I do not wish to be cheated over and over again. Im always on the loss, its not that i wish to gain advantage of others, but i just hope that i do get cheated all the time. Sometimes, i'll just close one eye and get myself cheated on, because i felt like it, or i would prefer so. Mostly, ive to treat others how i'll treat them with hatred. Its not healthy, but my perspective grows out of the dark box with just a slight ray of light. Other than that, people who ive came to contact straight away were people who i'd never hated before. Those were like YouGuo, WeiFeng, Christoven, YongRui and YanYa. Well, i knew them straight away... and i was fine with them. Do u get what i mean? I dun think u do, but if u share the same heart, im sure u'll think deeper into my thoughts from this little words.

Sometimes, i just hope that i'll never grow out of my mother's arms. I dun wish to face the harshness or reality. I dream of a life, a life away from politics and criticism. I just wanna live away in a farm, from a far away land. With animals, which will love me in any way i am. U understand what i mean? Its unfeeling in the cold society, where people are just out there leeching anybody that provides them with the blood to. I watch in disgust as i see my own friends true colours. So, everybody has their masks on... The realisation has forced myself to put on a mask. I sadly stood among my masked friends, and gently forced the mask on my face. My tears, like a river. My face, like a loser.

Im not sure, but i can define myself as being moody. Its been kinda long since u guys have last read something this personal, or emotional. Recently, its been so preoccupied with events that i have little time for my own thoughts. Im back, im back. Its time for another onslaught of personal thoughts. The ratio aint right, ive been blogging so much about the events of my life that ive forgotten about my own thoughts. So, who cares about what i do? I think people would really wanna know what i think instead. Sometimes, i even wonder if its alright to blog it out. I should reside to my secret garden, where i pour my secrets like seeds, water them everyday with tears and to finally watch it grow and bear fruits. Probably a fruitless tree. Fruitless as other thing. Thats life, my life.

I woke up late this morning. I woke up at rehearsal time. I rushed down to school, only to find that QingLun was later than me. MrYeo wasnt really furious, but i knew that im in deep shit if this happens again. I took my seat beside Michelle, as i turned and saw ShuMin struggling with pain at the audience seat. I tuned my Pipa, and got myself a good view of the scores, and started joining into the piece. I was turning around talking to MinHui, and the donkey really thinks we're in good terms, he was talking to me like we're friends. Well, im not sure, but for me, i wont talk to strangers that often. After the rehearsal with the singers, they were great, i left with Dedric to the BotanicalGarden. Before taking the cab there, i ate with YongRui, SiHan and Clarence. Some asked ive finished my composition, and i dunno what to say. The composition was completed a few weeks ago, and it has been rehearsed once. As for the score itself, its not done on Sibelius. So, technically? Have i completed? Sometimes, technology is just another issue which destroys the result. Even during presentations, the computers will screw them up.

We walked a very long way, and we talked about certain people in the Chinese music circle. There are just those people who are utterly disgusting. They bring their status to such a high level, but reality just smash them down on the floor and shatter their bones. Some people are just lousy, but with a humble character, its totally fine. But, with a character thats just too hungry for attention and fame, im sorry, i think its wholly despicable. As for others, i think they are just brainwashed with higher thinking which rules over their own personal opinions. I know that im easily influenced, but i must say that im speaking with my own words most of the time. This thoughts might be under the influence of somebody else's thoughts, therefore, its difficult for u or anybody to really listen to somebody's thoughts. U just dun understand whether its their own opinions or really somebody else's. Its a prevailing sentiment, its so common that it runs in ur blood too, i believe.

We found ourselves a seat under the tree. The tree roots were cleaner than the grass patch, so... we sat there, and enjoyed the concert. LuJie, ZhangNianBing's student, played the SanXian with a band, comprising of ethnical Percussion, a Guitar and a BassGuitar. I think its kinda cool, and its something which YanYu's has encouraged me to try on. As for me, though ive burning passion for something like that, i dun think it'll recieved very good remarks from critical bad breath of many people. I just hope for myself to enjoy my own dreams, to wallow in shame.

It started drizzling, but it ended with hopes of the people there. If it rains, almost everybody will leave, because there aint much shelter, though there are towering trees around. Dedric and i were talking about LuJie, and then... slowly, to other musicians. LuHeng messaged me, and i had to leave for school. On our way walking out, we talked about another musician. Some people are really irresponsible. They are just shady and really undependable. So much for dolling themselves up with their honest speakings. Im naive enough to once believe that such honest and perfect people do exist. But, only to disappoint myself when i see the truth for myself. These are people who causes others to hate, to be prejudice against such acts. There is no integrity and initiative for what they do, they just hope to buy their way out of everything. People like that may climb to the top, but... isit worth the respect of others? Though being respected or not doesnt matter at all, but is ur conscience clear? I think it doesnt even matter at all if they dun even wanna earn any respect. In the end, its always ignorance that feign its way around anything, or even everything.

Got to school, and LuHeng showed YiKai, YongRui and i his compostion, for Piano, DoubleBass and the Pipa. Well, i edited some things with him, and unlike Mark's which was a chaos, LuHeng's piece was surprisingly fine. There wasnt any clashes, and the chords were playable. I think he has done research, and he knows what he really wants, thats the important part. I told him to edit the score for Pipa into Piano's score, meaning with both the treble and bass clefs. I prefer reading that way, as compared to the single line.

They all left after they've recieved their scores, as for me, i had to stay to help LuHeng with the scoring for Pipa. He editted the score rather quickly, and surprised with people how they can manage Sibelius that quickly. I have to learn! I have to!

After that, there was nothing to do... so, Dedric, TingTing, YouYi and i went to Swensen's, at Bugis. We ordered ice-cream, as for Dedric, he ordered baked rice. Its been quite some time since i ate ice-cream like that. But to think of it, i'll need to spend some time too to sweat them out. Most probably i wont, but i hope i do. My body doesnt listen to my heart, they recieve lazy signals from my aging brain.

Dedric then talked about his love life. He shared with us his troubles, and i sat there quietly listening... and referring it to my very own love life. Love, something that one must not get addicted with. For people out there, if u havent been in a relationship before, i advice that u dun till ur prepared. The word is to be prepared, and not curious. He told us the pain that he has to go through alone after having a company for so many years. Well, there are ways to handle such pain. Numb it, like i did. Its simple, but it takes time. As for me, ive managed to numb one, and transformed another intro hatred. And of course, hidden another. Im fine now. This is the main reason which got my thinking just now. During the MRT ride home with Dedric, i was thinking and bothered by my own thoughts.

Then, he had to go somewhere, so he got me out of the MRT station at Cityhall. He wanted to treat me to a cab ride home, but i refused, because i wont be sharing it with him. So, whats the purpose? Im not a free loader, i wanna just take the bus home myself if thats the case. So, i headed towards my bus-stop, while him feeling guilty about dragging me out. I told Dedric, he is stabbing himself in the heart. He has nobody else to blame. As for me, ive nobody else to blame either. Im too naive, thats all i have to say. But now, im changing, and im a different person. Still the old self within me, but adapting differently. Im accepting my old self as a lesson. Ive learned. And its time to show what ive learnt.

Today, i was disgusted with QingLun. The more i look at him, the more i see him as a donkey. But well, he is a good friend. I have to go help him now... so, its time to say goodbye.

I have demonstrated a steady stream of decisions enjoining myself from getting hurt. U should too.