Idee Fixe

I just heard some a recording of a Ruan concerto, performed by somebody. Well, being professional, i think it sucks. I didnt say that its ur teacher!

I just got home. Sending QingLun some clips now. Well, ive been performing for 3 days in a row. Imagine, i didnt wash my black shirt for 3 days! How dirty right? I think im falling ill. Im starting to sneeze... and i think im really falling ill...

I woke up late again. I told myself last night that i'll sleep earlier and wake up earlier for a beautiful morning. Who knows, same old thing. Nevermind, today i took bus 851 to school. Surprisingly, its much faster! Well, actually i knew it would be much faster... because it doesnt go the longer way unlike buses like 162 and 166. So, i wasnt late for aural.

I didnt do my work, and so i took someone else's book. EricWatson was quite nice today. During the previous class, he checked their work. SiHan and Christoven told me that they got a scolding from him. Well, lucky us! He didnt check our work! After dismissing us, i quickly ran out of class... just in case if he suddenly remember that he has to check our books. Anyway, i was like struggling with the harmonic dictation. Im so screwed. I think its going to be a tough year for me. I mean, a tough month ahead. Imagine, our exams will start next month. Thats like really fast. In fact, i have a few presentations next week. And well... we havent started out a single crap. Fairul, we shall keep up the good work!

Im feeling uneasy now.

I headed for music technology. We learned how to use a new software. Its meant for editting sound, clips in wave format, or even MP3. Anyway, JunRu didnt bring his disc, so i lent him mine. It went around and around, then somebody took it away. If its not urs, dun touch it. So, i had to go find that person who took it away. Apparently, it turned out to be Jonathan. Fret not, im not going to scold anybody. People do make mistakes, but on purpose or not, thats just the other factor to doubt. Smile.

I promised everybody that my entry will sound pretty more positive than the past few entries. Well, im happy now. In fact, very happy. Though sometimes i do get moody, i hope others will not guess that its because of some donkey matters. Well, its not. Im just moody for my own reasons, not because im affected by anything donkey matters. I wont.

Had lunch with SiHan and Christoven. We bought instant noodles. It tasted great! They told me that its not spicy. From one look, its all bloody red. How can i believe them? But well, though its spicy, i think it was really tasty! I loved it. Christoven gave me some fish too, thanks. After eating, i felt quite uneasy. I went to the toilet and sat there while listening to music. There was nothing for me to do, even though my stomach ached, i couldnt bear to release anything. Oddly strange, yes.

I walked towards Bugis, and stopped by OUB bank, and realised that i cannot withdraw money from their ATM, after waiting for my turn. I walked over to Bugis, withdrew cash and headed to the bus-stop. There, i met YinXuan, and he accompanied me for the trip. To where? I dun tell u. Its a secret. For those who know, just keep quiet. YinXuan told me that he went to see a doctor. He has an infection in his right ear. He cannot really hear well, and i shared my experience with my blockage in both ears, and he told me to go see a doctor too. Well, for my case, im quite certain that its nothing serious... Now, its alright, but i cannot shake off the bad habit of shifting my jaw. Ive been doing that for months, and i think my joints are wearing off! My jaw hurts! So painful.

I messaged LimChooLi and told her to cancel tomorrow's rehearsal, because my Pipa is with someone else. Its tough to live without a Pipa, especially for somebody who plays the Pipa for a living. Last night, i read a student's blog entry, well... she was talking about me. If u wanna read about it, u may ask me for the link. Well, the entry made me laugh like mad. Its really nice to see students blog good things about u, instead of complaining about how bad u can be. She said that im very young and very cute. That made me laugh like crazy. Then, she said that i made the whole CO practice rock! I felt so happy after reading that, i like hearing good comments from students about my teaching. It makes me love teaching. Lets stop here, or else many of u will think that im boasting and stuff. As usual... nevermind.

I came back with YinXuan. Headed for sightsinging class. There, we didnt sing single note. We went through our composition exam's date and time slots. Well, DrGoh gave me a time slot, and i checked with YiLeng and JiaJin. They can make it, but as for ChaiXia, she cant. I need to ask another Ruan person to help me out. I think i'll ask either MinHui or XuYang. At least they can handle the piece technically. I dun want any losers.

There i go again! No more, stop it! Dun worry, thats the last one.

Im talking to DongXiao now. She's asking me why im so sad. Well, i think they've been thinking that im sad and angry because of Jonathan. Its fucking not! I said very clearly already that its never about him anymore! I dunno him! Not worthy for me to be sad about. Well, i'll explain this later.

We had rehearsals with the band and stayed behind to watch the Trumpet concerto. Its blown by this American guy, not too bad. Then after that, i headed to Bugis with QingLun and gang.

We bought a cake for ShuMin! Its her birthday. Happy birthday, and dun get angry so easily. We surprised her, or actually not, thanks to TingTing and DongXiao who brought her to the ambush area. We took out the cake and lighted the candles. It was some tough situation. Candles in the wind...

We took a really long time, lighting the candles again and again. We took many photos and after that, we sang her a birthday song. I was moody then, and i bet they thought that im angry with Jonathan or something. Well, no, im not! What has he done this time? Honestly, im never happy with anything that he do, so... must well fuck care right? So, im sad because its another birthday party. Honestly, let me blog out this embarrassing fact about me. I hate cakes. Why? Because i never have any birthday cakes before. I used to have it, before Dad passed away. In fact, when he's still around... it stopped ever since that day when Jane bought me yam cake. What the fuck? I hate yam! It was like purple coloured, the whole cake, i hated it! I wanted to spit on it and just cry out loud. It has always been chocolate cake, and suddenly... a yam cake! What the fuck? I cannot take it...

Well, ive never had any surprise birthday party in my life. Thats why, i hate birthday parties... and cakes. To an extent that im missing out so much in my growing up life that i hate things that i lack, things i never had. I know, sad childhood. I know. So, i was sitting there, admiring ShuMin for having friends like that. As for me, im comfortable feeling this way already. Every year i'll go through this phase several times. As for others, im not so worried. Im only worried that i'll get depressed in parties that im involved in. I sat there, stared in the sky, and almost dropped a tear till TingTing asked why am i crying. I wasnt crying... yet. Almost, honestly, almost.

I left for the toilet, and dropped a few tears. Washed my face and headed back out. Its so sad... im still waiting for my birthday gift. I know its never going to come. Jonathan said that he'll buy me those CDs that i requested for when he gets his pay. Well, as usual, he never fulfills any promises... so, just forget that ive ever requested for anything from him in my life. Dad, u still owe me my present. As for urs, i know... i havent been filial enough to celebrate ur birthday with u when ur still around. Great, ur gone now. How nice...

The concert started, and i sat somewhere far alone. Who knows, QingLun came and sat beside me. Even though im in a bad mood, im glad that theres someone there to just accompany me even though they know shit about what im going through. Thanks so much to QingLun who's always there to talk things out. As for Christoven and SiHan, thanks to them too for always being able to lighten up my mood. Especially the diva times with Christoven, so stupid please!

Headed to the recital hall for warming up during the interval. EricWatson looked so much like MrBean, as he conducted his piece. The choir sang well today, i think. After the performance, im so shagged already. When we're at level 6, ShuMin and QingLun had a cold war. Im not sure what happened, but i guess its a huge misunderstanding. ShuMin threw away every Snapple bottle that QingLun collected over the months. Its so sad... ShuMin looked so mad. Everybody went over to talk to her, or at least say bye before leaving... except her good friend, who sat at the corner practicing his Ruan. I went over and talked to QingLun. Well, he sat there quietly, blowing his Dizi.

I left and met up with SiHan and gang. I ordered noodles, and had fun talking to Evan, Eudora, Charmaine, Vincent, SiHan and Christoven. Vincent was so extremely evil! Cant imagine that he can be that evil! He look so friendly, innocent and like some really nice guy... but he is so evil! Im joking. Well, there were 3 guys who came to ask for donation. They sang songs with their Guitar, and passed us a card. We donated $10... and Vincent signed off with the word, 'fuck'. Its so bad! But well, we were laughing like usual. Vincent was stuttering and its so funny to hear him talk. He is a nice guy, unlike Evan, who will keep scolding others and beating up little kids for their allowance.

I walked to the bus-stop with Christoven, SiHan and Fhairil. He smoked, and i think he is turning bad! No! No! Must help him. Anyway, i didnt know that Fhairil smokes until dunno when. Oddly strange, yes. Again, yes.

At the bus-stop, i met ShuMin and ChinLee. Well, i didnt stay for long, because bus 851 arrived earlier than ive expected. Took a bus home, with a lady sitting opposite me. She was wearing tubes, with tattoo all over her right arm! Freaking scary! Everybody was staring at her tattoo... its huge and it stretched all over the right arm, from the shoulder to the wrist. All covered. My goodness... its scary. I mean, its for a lady! Come on, my grandma would do that if its normal... The problem is, its not!

Well, im in no mood today. LianWei asked whether im alright, even he could tell that im looking sad. Its strange, because i dun realise how bad i looked. LuHeng asked me whether im alright when i was entering the hall. Its so wierd! But thanks so much for everybody's concern. Its just my own problems... with my own nightmares. Im fine after slapping myself.

My hair sucks, i know. Stop making fun of it. It'll grow back one day... sooner or later. Evan said that ive put on alot of weight. Well, i can agree with that. But well, let me start on my long lost diet which should have started a few years ago. Tomorrow will just never end, will it?

I dunno, but some elements are stapled into my life. Not just me, but into many other's mindset too. Why? Why am i always associated with Jonathan? No! Please, no! Get that picture out of ur mind, because it'll never happen that we'll be friends again. Not even normal friends. Probably just hibye. Good enough. In fact, too good already. So, its just the idea that dominates the mind that has to be rid off.

The reality of obsession is its incessant return to the same few themes, scenarios and questions. Its meticulous examination and re-examination of banal minutiae for hidden meanings that simply aren't there. The cancerous way an idee fixe usurps other, more interesting thoughts is that it is confining, not rebellious, and not fascinating but maddeningly dull.