Deep Blue Sea

Im not sad ... im just moody . I dunno why , today i didnt go to school , i was feeling maybe just abit uncomfortable , but mainly it lies around truancy .

I went for lunch with my grandparents . It was my grandma's birthday , actually my Dad asked me if i wanna go for the dinner with him . I ignored him , and i rejected him when he prompted me twice . Anyway , the dinner was cancelled . We ate at CrystalJade . After eating i had to rush off because my Mom was waiting for me at the carpark . She didnt join us , she brought me there to eat with my grandparents . Anyway its my paternal grandparents , and my parents are divorced so its kinda awkward for my Mom to see my paternal grandparents . Anyway , things are getting better between my Mom and them , now the problem lies with my Dad , that useless freak . Since the bill took so long , i thought maybe i'll be good this time and foot the bill as a treat to my grandma as her birthday gift . So i told them i had to rush off , while they were waiting , i sneaked my way to the cashier and paid $89.90 . It was indeed a bomb , but i just took out the cash and only worried that they'll find out . I didnt want them to wait there forever for the bill , so i told the waitress to pass them the reciept and tell them i paid already . After awhile , my auntie called , she was with us also , to take care of the old folks . She said that grandpa was scolding me , not in the fierce manner , but just saying why i paid for the bill and stuff ... Then i laughed .

I went down to Esplanade only to find that everyone's going home . I was so upset , i came from home and now im going back . Mark's movie outing was cancelled because he couldnt find any cinema showing the movie he wants to watch . So i was dragging myself . I feel so left out sometimes ... but im fine with that . We went on this river taxi ride ... it cost $6 . It was fun , Samuel and gang was shouting and taking photos ... Then , for me , i'll prefer to settle down and feel whateva its out there ready for me to feel . My mood was with the current ... the ups and the downs , the rise and fall ... suddenly i became all moody and stuff , my mind was then filled with thoughts . I was thinking about something ... All of a sudden , i think im spoiling the mood of others . Shawn and Audrey was asking why im so sad , but im not . I smiled and looked out to the waters . Its dark , its quiet and its beautiful . I remembered i asked many people about this personality test ... describe the ocean with one word , and the answer would be on how u would describe ur own life . For me , that specific scene would suit my answer . Its not that bad after all , at least i know there are people passing by me each day , but none will stop to appreciate and take a closer look . I feel so used ...

To make a firm stand to the question on my first blog entry , i think this year isnt an end . Its a miracle beginning . A miracle wouldnt mean something very drastic , its just that its something unexpected ... its not like the dead would come alive , its like , at least the dead didnt rot .

Im poised on the tip of the knife . Like again , i can already feel its pull ... the fall is inevitable . Sometimes i wonder if my ideas are feasible , but i'll always expect them to be failures like how i am . Things will never change , will they ? When will things start changing ... or has it been changing all the while ?

I dunno ... i dunno anything .