My Pillar

So much for being washed clean yesterday . My mood can change so drastically ...

Woke up early to visit Dad today . Went there ... wished everyone there a happy new year ... then gave the oranges to Dad . He was happy ... and he was smiling . I couldnt stay long because i have to perform at Conrad again , for tomorrow as well . Thus i couldnt follow them down to grandparent's place , and for tomorrow , i cannot have lunch with them too . Then Dad changed his clothes ... Jane also . We all took some photos ... and i ate some cheese cookies , for the first time .

Uncle fetched me to Conrad during noon . Then , i was almost late ... i took my Pipa and the same thing went on and on ... Carol was there , that idiot , didnt see Melinde today , except for this afternoon at the conference room . But there was another lady who offered us drinks ... thanks to her .

During the 4 hour break , Stanley and i went to hunt for lunch . We ate BurkerKing , and i saved $0.10 from buying the burger and a set of snacks . Went to shop a while ... and walked alot in circles . Bought a few shirts ... because it was cheap . We were like some aunties , we were trying on shirts and looking for the cheapest around ... searching for the sizes ... and even colours . It was really funny ... Stanley bought aprons also , because he loves to cook . I bought toe socks ... quite nice . Then i bought some VCDs and CDs ... it cost me $47 plus ... I wanted to buy some formal clothings , but my size wasnt available , they only had medium and extra large . Well ... was quite fun , but then we had to carry our plastic bags back to the Golden Peony , the restaurant where we left our instruments .

Performed for another set ... and it was really boring . Then we played several new songs ... and we even improvised our own pieces together . Played Russian music ... Western ... and some Korean . Good thing was that , Stanley is my partner , or else i'll die . He knows all the chords , all the progressions and melodies . In fact , he could play everything without me . But he was nice ...

Ate some gelato , but it didnt taste like how it should be . Then Stanley went back to buy some cigarettes at the hotel , because i didnt want him to buy at Suntec . In fact , i told him not to ... but he insisted . We took some artistic pictures ... and i was Stanley's photographer for the night .

I am very hungry now , and i wanna go eat ... Mom was such a pain in the ass . She made me so angry just now , in the car , on the way home . She was talking about many things ... and the bottomline is that being a musician makes no living . I wanted to just shut her up ... and didnt i say that i'll scream my head off the other time if she mentions this again ? Well ... i didnt . Just then , i talked back ... and she gave me that look . I hate it ... So , when we were quiet , i thought about some horrible things that i'll do . And no wonder im a Pipa abuser , im gonna trash my Pipa in front of her and lock myself up in the room and do nothing . I shall not play music for the rest of my life ... and i shall go back and study my Os and get some better grades and go get my A level certificate ... then proceed on to university then i shall get another certificate which will make me an ordinary worker in the society . I was getting so mad , i almost wanted to fling my fist against the window and break it ...

Mom never supports me in anything that i do . Though she does financially , she doesnt really quite enjoy me doing all this . She thinks that im an entertainer , those that plays the instruments to entertain people while they eat ... some low class musician . She doesnt know about performances on stage , she thinks that thats low class . Well ... even if i were to play some concerto next time , i think she'll not even be proud of what im doing . She always tell others that im somehow like a busker . Ive always stormed my brain just to explain to her how the art circle works ... but she doesnt listen and she doesnt believe , she thinks that i dunno anything . Well , fuck it , i do . Unlike my Dad , he likes to hear my play , and he always ask about my concert details . He is the one who watched my concert , unlike Mom who was forced to go watch just one performace which i had a few years ago , and she even complained how horrible it was . I can agree to that ... but , thats not the point . I hate it ... but to look at it , it was Mom who fed me , but it was Dad who encouraged me . Its a balance of both ... but honestly , i need someone who can encourage me other than support me financially . Well ... fuck , im now facing this stupid problem which ive faced last year which have almost cost me my life .

Im not going to go into this serious state of depression again , im just depressed . Thats all ... folks . Goodnight to all ... and tomorrow shall be another routine .