Haunted

Recently, ive been depressed again by thoughts that haunted me a long time ago. Its been a period of rest and peace, but... eventually, it came back into my mind as a reminder of regret and affliction. Well, things must change soon... and it will. The next Friday, i'll have to attend a court hearing, and im so stressed up. Nobody understands me, other than DrKan. But well, though she knows what is going on in me, but she cannot feel me... because she hasnt been through anything like this before.

Im a great listener, but if somebody talks too much, i'll shut my ears off. Well, listening also involves talking back as a form of giving advice or consolation, but if the talker doesnt wanna listen... then im sorry, it defeats the whole purpose to talking to somebody. So, shut up for a moment sometime and learn how to listen.

ChaiXia wants to celebrate my birthday with me after my competition, which made me smile. Im happy that i have friends like that who show their concern and understanding. But, she has competition too anyway, so... it'll be better to celebrate after the competition, so as to celebrate with less stress. However, the mood of the celebration would depend on the result of the competition too. I hope i do well for the competition.

My hopes are totally dashed when i hear myself play during lesson with YanYu this morning, and also during the performance class. Ive a bad habit of being inconsistent about my performance. Sometimes its good, sometimes... its just bad. The common comment i hear from my friends are that i play better when im not performing, meaning... in my self practices and stuff. Today, the comments were kinda obvious. Once i started playing my piece, i knew where my mistakes were. In fact, i can even list it all out without them telling me. There are some practical issues which they dun understand about the Pipa. But ShuMin is right about the weaker spirit i played with this afternoon. Im not finding excuses to hide it, but this morning... im already kinda depressed after the lesson... so... ive no mood for anything seriously. And moreover, during lunch, Mom was like comforting me because she knows that recently im kinda sad. Last night, she kept asking me whether somebody bully me in school. Right, nobody bullied me in school before, except for the period when i raged war with YiChun.

ChaiXia is telling me now that after competition we'll all be more relaxed for the celebration. I was right.

Had dinner with EeWei, SiHan, Fairul and Jonathan at Fish&Co. It was nice, but not fantastic. I prefer cheap food which tastes really good! Those will make a dinner enjoyable. However, today, i paid around $38, and somehow... there were some money missing. EeWei and Fairul paid quite alot, which is kinda wierd. But well... we'll settle that next time. I never had any money problems with Christoven before, because he is generally more easy going. Usually when we eat, the money will not cause a trouble especially after meals. He would treat, sometimes, which makes me feel kinda happy. Im like a mirror, remember? So, i'll have the feeling of treating him too. So, this goes on and on, though the money will come and go, its the feeling that is different. I think, this is generally good and healthy between friends.

Fairul's shoulders are in pain. I wish him... nothing. In fact, he is clubbing now.

Been talking to Jonathan over the phone. We're always talking about the same old things, and hearing his lame stories. We'll talk till we hear boredom knocking on our doors. Ennui spreads over our conversation, making several noises or humming melodies to shadow over the silence. Anyway, im going to call him now. He asked me to.