Self-Condemnatory

I deem it as the climax of a series of unfortunate events. Dig the dirt with my polished nails, and shower myself till i drown into the earth. I just feel like burying myself with mud now and allow myself to cry out really loud. I did something terribly bad, i must say that i deserve death and not ever to be resurrected again. Im so bad, im so wrong! Please remove my face, for that shame as devoured and corrupted my features. Im such a sinful person, and ive never felt like that before. Today, is the worse day of my life! Actually, this similar event cloned itself from once a nightmare that happened 4 years ago back in ACS. It happened to Jonathan, my Pipa senior, and indirectly it left a scar that wounded me for life. And for the first time ever again for history to repeat itself with such close reciprocity, i feel that i cannot take another shock like this ever again! The synonymity is jarring, not just to the ears, it also impaled into my eyes with several images of the terrible event. The fall was hard-nosed. Its impact was so great, and it attracted massive attention from people around. I stood there watching, helplessly, just as the others did. I didnt know what to do... and just as then, train of thoughts crashed into other several similar thoughts.

Though i felt a certain overwhelming spirit pouncing upon me, i felt heavy like a rock that sinks deep into the ocean. Im lying there, on the oceanbed, struggling hard to break free of my shackle. Im an anchor. A rusty old piece of iron.

I woke up this morning feeling bad. I slept late last night, i was talking to Jonathan on the phone for a short period before heading for my games. Jonathan was chatting with Samuel, as for the rest, i didnt bother. I knew something aint right about today. I woke up on the wrong side of bed? The air-con was leaking, with droplets dripping hard on my forehead... like a certain rhythm which inspired me for my composition. Anyway, thats not the point! I knew something bad is going to happen... and just like ive mentioned above in that 2 very dramatic paragraphs, it apparently did. Not just that, it also left quite an impact on me.

It was terrible! The sight, the sound and the... experience! It was horrible! It was abhorrent, disastrous, vile, harrowing and really disturbing! Till now, im suffering from the side effects... my head hurts, with the pieces of trains left behind after the monstrous event. Shocking as it is, i think im going to petrify myself even further if im going to keep thinking about it.

Its no time for regrets and songs! I held the gravely injured up and hurried for a cab. It needed help. I couldnt hear its breathing, neither could i feel its pulse. I thought it was dead then, and my hands were shaking as i wiped my sweat off my perspiring body. I was drenched and clammy. I cant be ever more grateful for the weather, its so bloody humid and hot, i couldnt even get some sympathy from the heavens.

From a distance, glowed a shiny plate. A knight on a horse, that came with a big heart, to save the damsel in distress. Not me, im not the nymphet in the situation. But as for the distress section, yes i was too. The shiny object rode rather quickly from a distance. It was so hot, i thought it was merely a mirage. But i thought not... because it reads... 'comfort'.

Its a cab! I hopped on and told the uncle to drive me to the nearest funny farm. Anyway, a funny farm is an informal term for hospital or psychiatric institution. Well, it rode fast like a band-aid wagon. Can u smell the sarcasm? Well, its right here, and it smells like shit! The stupid old man drove like a dead snail. I think i'll be in China already if i were to just float on the sea at the speed he was going. Great... i needed to borrow time, and i all i can remember is MrYap's borrowed chords. I needed time or else... im afraid that the injuries will affect the whole body or spread around like a plague of infection.

Finally, it arrived. I paid the driver and took my flight. First, i flap really hard... then i realise, i cant fly! So, i walked over to KunRui's house.

For some, u may already realise whats happening by now, because i mentioned KunRui's name. So... i took it upstairs and he told me his plans for the ritual to bring back its spirit. Almost dead, but he gave me hopes that nothing will happen to the broken neck. Great, let me tell u now. I broke Raymond's Pipa neck! Fuck me! Im so terrible! I feel so horrible! Im so damn bloody sorry Raymond! I promised to take good care of it, but... im so sorry! Nothing happened to the body, because it dropped from a short height, but its neck couldnt take the pressure and broke off! I was stunned.

Raymond, im so freaking sorry! I didnt mean for anything like this to happen! I wanna go downstair and scream my lungs out. But i thought, maybe its not very nice... because i dunno how to put it back. Anyway, who is going to clear the mess too?

Raymond!

Anyway, the Pipa is with KunRui now. He is taking care of it, and he promised me that he'll do his best to seal up the injury, so that it'll not break loose again. I trust him on that, because he did 3 Pipas for me already.

Im so sorry, Raymond. Im so sorry!

Raymond!

Im so sorry!

Not just remorseful, im also conscience-stricken. I realised that im such a unreliable person. Ive made promises before, but in my life, ive broken a few. But, i didnt mean for all those to happen! Its all an acident. I know, Raymond, u must be feeling damn angry and furious now. But, theres nothing i can do... but to only undo what ive done by doing what i can best. Though a scar will leave a mark there and in ur heart, but... theres really nothing more i can do. How about lunch?

Im joking! Im so fucking sorry!

Please forgive me! Please!

Im sincerely apologetic and guild-ridden. Repentant or not, thats another case. Why? Because, theres nothing to repent, i didnt mean for all those to happen! But, true... how can i be so fucking careless? What was i doing? What was i thinking? Im horrible!

WeiKang is the worse person on earth! Im shamefaced.

Stupid me. Idiotic me. Beat me, thrash me up. I dun care anymore...

Raymond! Sob...

I wanna cry now.

Raymond!

Great, i'll first lose a friend, then i'll lose my life. Great! This is so great! Anyway, happy birthday to Angela! Happy birthday to u, ur 19 this year.

Back into my series of rueful vendetta... I just hate myself! Why am i like that? If im going to tell Mom, trust me... she'll blow ur head and scold me like she's never scolded me in my life before! She told me many times not to borrow other people's things. Great, after today... i believe nobody will ever lend me anything anymore! Not even a pencil or toilet paper! Im so scared... but i must be honest, so i chose to blog it out.

Great! No more friends! No more! Not even the auntie that sells soya drinks. No more! Im miserable, and thats what i deserve for my pitiful little life. Im such a cheap cake, not even contemptible enough for anything! Im so unimportant and scummy. Im wretched, terribly.

My sheep as sunk into the depths of Marianna. From there, everything is worthless already. Its so deep into the abyss that nobody will be able to get it back from there. No mortal beings will be able to bring it back again. Now, my hope all lies in KunRui's miracle work! He'll bring the Pipa back into life, so as it may run free again in the fields like any child can.

Run my child, fight hard for ur life! Go, Pipa!

Raymond!

Im so sorry! Please forgive me! Please! Im sorry!

Paltry.

I know, im at such a depressant. Its a pathetic sight... and i cannot lie to myself blatantly or to anyone that its not my fault. Because, it clearly... is my fault! I feel so bad! I cannot eat for weeks, to satisfy my own guilt. Not even weeks, probably my whole life!

Memento mori!

Anyway, thanks to QingLun for the concern. He is the only person that called to check up on me, and to give me words of encouragement. All the time, he has always been there. Always there, to mock at me, and to pull my up everytime i fall. Thanks QingLun. Not forgetting one more person, who has showed concern in almost everyway he can, and that'll be dear Christoven. SiHan, also... sometimes.

Raymond!

Im so sorry! What can i do to punish myself? Please tell me! Please allow myself to be punished! Please do not be merciful! I deserve no mercy! Kill me.

Raymond!

Im sorry. Goodnight.