Little Moments

Well, this is a rather fast update. Last night, i didnt blog, thus i blogged in the afternoon today. So, im here to continue today's full entry. For those who didnt catch up with all the full picture, please refer to the archive.

I just came home. Classes were bad. I cant say anything else but to ask myself why i should feel disappointed about class... During performance class, Dedric showed me this booklet featuring the composers who took part in the SCO composition competition. I heard that EricWatson's piece aint got a high chance of winning... because its too boring. Well, i havent heard it myself. As for the others, such as ChenWei, i think it'll turn out rather interesting. Ive seen the titles and the faces of the composers, i must say that they're all rather talented. They're either professional composers or composition majors in some known universities. I wanted to take part the other time, but to think of it now... i'll be slapped so hard in the face that i'll not even feel a sting.

Im emotionally numb.

After that, Andy called me and asked if i can go down to ChinaTown. I called the person, who is in charge, and she told me to go over if i can. Well, i helped them a few times before, and its no harm doing it again, though it greatly bores me. So, in the end, Andy and BenLim and a few others, i think got cancelled off by them. So, they're not performing anymore. And... do they get the $30 at all for last night's practice? I hope they do... or else, its really a horrible experience.

Had dinner with QingLun, ShuMin, YeoYee and Jonathan. Andy came later, not QiLong that i was talking about in the previous paragraph. Well, i was quiet... because i was hungry. U know, my character... i dun talk when im hungry. Anyway, i was also quite moody too. So, i ate and after that we left. They were all asking why im so quiet and stuff... whether im sad or what. But, see... as ive said, i cannot choose to be a quiet person anymore. Im known to be noisy, irritating, funny and really disgusting. Not to mention, being naturally ugly, fat and stupid.

Well, thats all ive to say about that before i leave for ChinaTown.

One more thing, before leaving... i played the XiaoRuan with Jonathan on the ZhongRuan. We were going through the same old songs. He asked me whether i would wanna play with him. Well, thanks for the offer. And it made me late for the practice... but, it doesnt matter... because im not the latest!

At ChinaTown, everybody is happy. Right, except a few. The musicians are like slaves, they are important... but nobody cares for us. I hate it when the guy say things that imply that musicians, like us, are just accompaniment and stuff... not of any value and stuff. I hate it! Though there is nothing much to do, i took a few breaks myself to send messages, or make calls. The Dizi player changed, its the guy that i use to play with a year ago... Well, he is quiet and nice. Today, finally, i managed to talk to him after practice. He works in the national library. I think im going to go visit him some day. Anyway, today, the aunties are all so happy looking... and that pisses me off. Its not that im mad or angry, but im agitated wheneva they sing wrongly or cannot catch the tempo. Come on, even my grandmother can do better! Sing in tune, and in time, though u may have the voice... u still need to sing together with the music right? Stupid... Moreover, i cannot take the act smart uncles. They think they know everything, the pretend to be very good and they teach around and showoff their skills. Worse, when they try... they cannot, and they pretend that their right. In the end, we're just sitting there watching them fool around. Please, we're professional music students, or some already professional musicians, dun stand there are start pretending that ur some professional singer. I think its so stupid... i really felt like laughing. But, i resisted. There were many times when i give signs to the ErHu or Dizi player, and we'll signal back with stupid looks wheneva the uncles and aunties do stupid things. Its so funny!

I see SiHan's nick on MSN, and it frightens me of reality that it might be true. Not a good player, never was... and never will be! I see myself in the mirror trying to become something that is beyond what i can be. Its impossible... face it. Well, ive already faced the music. And now, im facing the music and learning to listen to how it sounds. I think, Pipa is just an instrument, music is within me. Therefore, im going to do things related to music, but not necessarily the Pipa. Probably through the Pipa... and i'll find means that i can play and live with. Its a tough route that we all have chosen. Theres a reason why people pick this path... because, its challenging, and the outcomes and unpredictable.

In the end, we're all working towards an unhappy conclusion. Trust me, the endings will never be happy. But, its all the happy little moments in the process which will make everything... alright.