Wan Christmas

Once again, its another day to Christmas. I want to just let myself chalk out in the snow. I dreamt of white Christmas. With a meadow of snow, and a lea of pure whiteness, that fills the image of a frozen field. I just wanna lie there, and let me life slip away. To share the feeling of being alone with u. I look up above and i hope u see me too. Im the drop of ink that ruins the beauty of the picture. And just then, i spill my red against the achromatic ivory. My pulse becomes calm, as i close my eyes to let me imagination wander off. Soon, ur the last thing on my mind. When i know that its over, im in peace. Im, in peace.

Jasmine and ChaiXia just came over for some movies, then they left. I had dinner with them, before sending them off. In the morning, i recieved a call from Kenny. He told me not to be late, but well... when i was there, nobody was quite there yet. The practice started half an hour later. Well, there wasnt anyone. I knew that many werent coming, but they didnt inform ChaiXia, thus she went crazy like a mad cow. I could tell that she was pissed. Well, i once crossed over from that position, i can understand. Im not in the mood to describe the stupidity that i discovered through the practice today.

Went for lunch with Damien, Jasmine and ChaiXia. After that, they came over to watch movies. Damien left first, because he doesnt want to watch this gay film, which Jasmine and ChaiXia was so over their heels for. So, we watched it, and thats the end of the day.

Ive been thinking about the loneliness that'll befall tomorrow night. Its always the period of depression that hits right at this moment. Im not really sure whether its my own psychological crap, or that im really feeling this force that grips me heart. I know, its most probably the music that i allow in my ears to affect my mood. But honestly, they're just amplifying me. Im magnified. Thanks to my music, i can quietly just sit and listen to myself. Its bad enough that there aint any snow in Singapore to heighten the atmosphere of Christmas. And worse still, that i dun have the chance to spend Christmas with somebody else.

Matthew told me that he'll be drinking and having sex on Christmas. Well, he said that he'll be exercising his dick, and he'll go have fun after drinking. I told him that thats the true meaning of Christmas, and i encouraged him to give a testimonial of the true meaning of Christmas to the church. Then, he told me to ask Clarence to, or that gay Elliot. Funny, Matthew. I hope u have ur fun!

I dunno why, but im on the extreme ends of everything, everytime. I feel no pulse, neither do i feel merry. Christmas to me dun carry any true meanings anymore. There aint no sharing, never did. And there aint any love, nor from above. Mom asked whether she can stay in Malaysia abit longer. Well, i told her to. Since she asked, she must have the intention to stay. Anyway, if she's back, i might be away celebrating Christmas with my friends. So, whats the point? I'll rather that she enjoy herself, though im alone at home.

I remember those days, they come like torn pages from a dusty book. I use to wake up finding gifts under my Christmas tree. Or did i not? Am i dreaming my own childhood into a fairytale? I wished it wasnt scarred, and i wished that i lived normally like other kids. I want a normal life, and i want no forbidden love. I hate the way that ive to deal with things. I dun wanna hide anymore. I want to just live myself out like a normal growing boy. No more wierd stares, no more nasty looks. I want my toy car, my own wooden sword and my own family portrait. I dun wanna run around during the weekends. I dun want my Mom to cry, neither do i want my Dad to be angry. I just want to open my presents under my own Christmas tree. Not with tears, feigning ignorant of the unhappiness around me. But with joy and a happy smile that spreads across my face. I wish to return to 1988, the only period that i dun remember being happy or sad. But i do know, i brought joy to Mom. I hope i do continue to do so, even though i have to ability to make my father smile.

I still hold on to my Christmas wish last year. Most of u have already read that entry, and i do not wish to paste anything from the past here, though i still hold on tightly, my dear Christmas wish.

I do not intend to make things hard for u, Santa. I know its beyond ur ability to grant me my wishes. Im a child, with a different wish. What is material on this earth does not matter to me. I want things that no earthly ships can bring. I wish for life, time and a fading memory... But please tell me, let me know, whether they do celebrate Christmas up in heaven? Fetch me a present from above, and bring my wishes up to where its silent and blue. Let him know that i do care. Im still here, ur little boy.

Forever still here.