Broken Heart Of Hearts

I smile with tears in my eyes. I dun wish to let anybody see me in this state, especially Mom. He didnt send me a message today. Well, every year i'll recieve a birthday message from him. But not today, and it puzzles me. It breaks my heart to realise that hes not in the process of life with me now, and forever. But, i thought maybe that little part left in me will embed deep inside as an important archive. I remembered the messages, with so much sincerity, but replied with so little concern from me. I feel guilty. I miss him. And so, i looked up above and wonder... Dad, did u forget that its my birthday today?

Another tear. Reminds me of the dreadful day... of my own birth.

I was thinking in the morning. Thinking about skipping class, but the consequences are too heavy to bear. So, nevermind whateva surprises or nothing that might bring, i took my jacket and left home for school. Well, as soon as i got to school, ive expected nothing to come. And great, indeed nothing.

I was fine, till LianWei started wishing me a happy birthday. From then onwards, many knew that its my birthday. I really hoped for silence and ignorance, but well... too bad, my classmates are so nice. Composition lecture was interesting, i really had a good time there. Tomorrow, we'll be presenting our composition for minimalistic music. After that, i had a great time doing classwork during harmony tutorial. MrYap was absent, so... Karen took over his class too. Imagine, a huge class. And well, after that, i went off for lesson with YanYu.

Isnt it the best way to celebrate a birthday? Lesson was fine, but i knew that there are too many things that are not there at all. When i want it, its not there... its kinda frustrating. Tomorrow, i'll be performing my 2 pieces. Trust me, im going to cry there. Another thing is, im going to have my rehearsal tomorrow for my concerto piece with AlbertLin and YanYu. Anyway, YanYu's daughter is named Angela. She is so adorable. Im jealous, i feel that YanYu doesnt care about me anymore... somehow.

After lesson, my Mom fetched me to school. I had no time at all for myself, and so, needless to talk about lunch. She got me chicken rice, and when im in school, i ate alone along the stairs.

History lecture was boring. I hate music that are totally not pleasing to the ears. So what if its reasonable and has high intellectual value? Its not pleasing to my ears. So what? I really dun understand. Fhairil and ZhengYi introduced Bartok's piece to us today, with the use of their Percussion instruments. Well, they brought so many things into the recital hall, and they only used like half of them. Well, good effort though.

Now, let me thank some people. Firstly, to Joseph for being the first to wish me a happy birthday. On the actual day, Jonathan is first. For last one to wish me, its Jasmine. Great, clap. Anyway, thanks to Evan and Jwen for the nice tags. Thanks to ZhengQiang and Charmaine for the birthday message. Thanks to LianWei for the being the first in school to wish me a happy birthday... followed by QingLun, for the first Chinese instrumentalist in school. So many awards... but sorry, no prize.

Last night, Mom bought me a chocolate cake. Grandma ate a piece, and i ate a tiny portion. Now, its in my fridge. It breaks my heart to realise that ive nobody to share my cake with. Who wants a piece? Please take one. Dad, u want one?

Well, dun ask. Im not very certain with my own core. I have this bad vibes about myself... with this drone of sadness which hits me hard in the heart. I dun wish to make myself clear... neither do i wish this to be mentioned again. Im sorry, i didnt mean to be so vocal or to broach about my deepest mind. My inmost soul is hurt.

I need some healing, and some loving. I love u, Mom. I love u, Dad. Goodnight, all.