Behind The Iron Curtain

I cannot imagine the stillness. U know how that feels? Well, i'll assume that u dun. I know, its not a thing that everyone will go through. The rhythm of my life falls under a slower pace as to those who are considered around my age. I dun just look old, i think old, but not mature, and i dress old, but not formal. Its just me, the dull old me. But now, its the last day of 2006, but theres just too much mystery behind the curtain of 2007. I have plans, and i know that i'll be busy. Honestly, i dun really care. What i look forward to will be something thats within a seed. I hope it grows. Ive been waiting for too long... Please tell me that the harvest is nearing, for that im growing tired. Im afraid that i'll not live long enough to see its harvest. Im afraid.

I woke up to a gloomy morning. The air was bad. The rain brought trouble along, and it stayed within my room, where i sleep with it everyday. Its no wonder that i'll wake up feeling dismal and crabbed. Then i thought, its not the stillness thats in the air. Its sullenness. I kept quiet for a moment while with my eyes still closed. I sat up and searched for my phone in the dark.

Not a single message, neither a single missed call. I threw my phone aside and headed back to bed. My head starting spinning as i wonder more and more about horrible experiences and joyous occasions. Of course, the ratio leans slightly over to the ordeals. With so much going on inside, i couldnt get myself to wonder back to dreamland. So, i hesitantly took my phone and headed to the bathroom to freshen up.

I stopped by the window and looked far across to the other side of the road. Everybody's dolled up and packed with plans. Its going to be a wild celebration tonight for many. Well, i consider myself with the minority who has to be alone, especially on such occasions. I headed into the bathroom and took a closer look into the mirror. I didnt see no orc today. I saw an ogre. It has only been the first week of holidays and im already exploding into the size of an elephant. Mom is right, im always growing out of my clothings wheneva its the holidays. I wanna change, but its something that will collide against my character. I'll work with time, and lets see where it'll bring me. Its reality that we're living in, no more fairytales and no more of those righteous statements. Hello, and welcome back into reality dude. Its just another slap on the face.

I took out my shirt, and found my black pants in the pail. Mom didnt wash it, but i needed to wear it for my performance later in the evening. I sniffed and found no smell, so i thought it should be probably washed. I didnt care, and i wore it. Though the day looked promising, but i had doubts about it. Ive realised that i shouldnt trust anything, not even mother nature for instance. As im naive and always there to repeat my mistakes, i thought maybe i should just leave the umbrella at home.

So, i headed out with my Pipa and just my belongings. I took a bus towards the MRT station. My hair was still wet, and my face was brushed with the unfeeling coldness in the bus. Everybody looked so fresh and ready for a party, except for me. I felt embarrassed, and i felt totally wasted, so i turn my head against their faces to hide away from their staring.

I took the MRT down to Cityhall. DongXiao was punctual, but she had to wait there for me, because i'll be late. My ears were muted, i couldnt hear anything on the train. The only noise that i heard was coming from my head. The only voice that i heard was coming from me. I was talking to myself silently. Pressing myself with questions to answer, and demurs to argue. I told myself to shut up, and i shouted to stop it. I couldnt answer them, and i still cannot. When the silence fell back into place, i heard them calling... im already at Cityhall.

DongXiao waited for me at the bank. She wore this makeup and she looked different. We were laughing and sharing different conversations. Well, im quite sure that it'll be safe to play with her, because she'll have more experience with pieces and songs, though she doesnt know how to improvise much. We walked towards Suntec, and found ourselves a Japanese restaurant for dinner.

She insisted that she'll treat me because im the one who introduced her to the performance. Its merely $250, but trust me, its one of the highest paid performance already. Usually, its only either $50 or till the most, $120. Ive arranged with Trissy for the price of $250, and i think its worth it because its a performance during a holiday. Good for me, ive nothing planned, and for her, she'll have to go meet up with her friend after the performance. Previously, i thought of asking QingLun, but Trissy told me before that they'll not want any Flutes, because they've one playing at another area already. So, i'll only have a choice of either the ErHu, or the Zheng. And well, of course, the ErHu. Ive been working with ErHus for so many years. Ive never tried playing with the Zheng before, because the tuning bit is quite a problem.

We were so full. The meal was $44, and i think its not really worth it. We were eating sushis and only a bowl of soba each. After eating, we travelled to the hotel by foot. I brought her around and showed her the way to the hotel. I was worried that we'll not have enough time, because we'd only 5 minutes left to travel to the hotel. Every step was difficult, especially with such a heavy load in the stomach. We climbed stairs because the hotel is located at higher grounds. When we're there, we were almost panting away.

The guy gave us a room. Its the same old room which FuKang and i used last year. In fact, i was the one who asked for that lousy room. He wanted us to leave our things on the floor at where we'll be performing. That'll be ugly, wont it be? DongXiao and i headed to the restroom, though i could have just put on my clothing like that. She needed company, because she has to change into another attire. I went to the toilet to cut my nails, and tried putting on the clothing. I couldnt button the top notch, because im either too fat, or that it has always been that way. Actually, it has always been like that since 2 years ago. I remembered having Stanley to help me button them everytime. This time, its DongXiao's turn. She thought that i'll be faster, because i'll just have to put on the clothing, but she had to wait outside with her costume for me instead. She felt so embarrassed. She helped me with the button, and after a few attempt, it got in.

She told me that i looked wierd, because the button made me looked so tight and as though that i cannot breath. So, i unbuttoned the first notch and made myself more comfortable. I hate the clothing, because its not flattering, and its very ugly. Its bright yellow, and it makes me look even bigger than usual. Anyway, the clothing belongs to Stanley, i must find some time to return it back to him. Its been 2 years, and im so sorry.

We took our seats and requested for 2 chairs without the armrest. We tuned our instruments slightly higher, because it'll sound nicer and probably more in tune. The first piece was quite a screw up. I was hoping that she can cover me up, but in the end, we're both looking out for each other most of the time. As for her, she doesnt know how to improvise, but she knows quite a few melodies. She told me that she has done many of such performances before back in HongKong, with a YangQin friend. They worked in the hotel almost every night for almost a year. They get paid like $100 a night, for 3 sets of 45 minutes. If i can do that, it'll be enough for me. I think they work on odd days only. Anyway, the first set was the best. The people were polite and very appreciative. There was this Australian group who clapped for our every piece. They even wanted us to play a song for them, but i couldnt remember the tune at that moment. I felt sorry, when the guy left, we exchanged some eye contact, and he even winked at me! Its funny and scary... DongXiao and i went on for 3 sets, until we couldnt take it no more. During the second set, they changed the chairs back to those with the armrest. We didnt pursue, and we went on with those chairs. It was so uncomfortable, because we had to sit out to play. We tried quite a few pieces, but there were many which sounded quite badly. I had to play this solo pieces for this old uncle. He wanted to hear the famous Pipa solo, 'ShiMianMaiFu'. So, i played it, though i cut off many important parts, i jumped straight to the back. I stress DongXiao to play some ErHu solos, and she even played 'Czardas', with me on the Pipa accompanying. It was so hard to follow, because she's constantly going faster and faster. I think its the rushing habit of fast running notes. As for me, my accompaniment fell on every offbeat, so... its tough to follow especially when she's rushing.

Finally, after a long day of work, merely just 3 sets of 45 minutes, we get our reward. Its $250 each, and thanks to DongXiao for the meal. She treated me to the Japanese meal, though i insisted that i shall pay her some money, because i still owe her money from a meal previously. And so, i gave her all notes i have. I saved myself with a $50 note, and hoping that i wont spend it tomorrow.

Well, its a quiet night for me. In my heart, im still searching for an answer to flush away those memories and pain of 2006. I boarded my bus, and headed back home. On my way, i saw many people gathering at Esplanade. I watched the skies, hoping that it'll burst with fireworks, but i knew, its too early. Its still an hour away from midnight, and for me, im just an hour away from 2007, as similar for many too. But for me, its different, because its just me that i think about these days. I dun think of anyone around me, neither do i think of people i love. I just think, its all about me tonight. Nobody can help me resolve my problems, and nobody can answer all of my questions. Its all me, and up to me to deal with it.

I sat in the bus, and soon... i fell asleep. Maybe its destiny... I went into rest, and left all my unanswered questions back where they belong. 2006 will go, and never return. I'll miss those days, because its so little to me. And i'll miss those moments, because its so precious to me. And of course, i'll miss one person, who is so dear to me. He left this year. And soon, it'll be over, and its another year. 2007 will turn my pages yellow, my photos dusty and my memories murky. I think its time to rest, and not bother myself with unsettled issues.

The first greeting was from SiHan, and from then, i realised, its 2007. Thats it, its already a new year. I hastily looked out the window, i raised my curtains to take a look outside. I opened my eyes wider to make sure and to make myself certain. Everything outside looked just the same as before. The flat opposite is still orange in colour, and the trees downstairs are still green as ever. Then, i knew, nothing changes. In fact, its still the same old me. Its life... its still the same. Its just a divider to make life into different sections. And as for this new chapter of life, i want it to be different. I want it to change. No more 2006. Its time to say bye now.

And with my most heart filled thanks, i bid u farewell, 2006. As i draw open the curtains of 2007, i sincerely hope that it'll look promising. Let it be a new start. I wonder... whats behind the curtain. Its so quiet...

So... quiet.